


A Different Side to Barba

by WindInYourSail



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: And now it’s the first one with a real ending..., Barba can be demanding, Chapter three or four is when I decided to actually post this, F/M, He’s really not though, Smut, and then I really started to like it, lots of smut, probably four..., seriously not how I normally write Barba, there’s fluff too, this one just kept going, unconventional start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:17:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 86,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15974054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindInYourSail/pseuds/WindInYourSail
Summary: Not really a summary, more of a note:This one stemmed from an idea I was playing with... I didn’t actually plan on it turning into the story it has become. I have ideas for certain episodes and some that won’t take place during any episodes. That being said, I’m kind of writing it where if it were read after watching the episode referenced it would fill in gaps in Barba’s life that we don’t see... if that makes sense.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not exactly sure where this came from. It’s nothing like I usually write Barba...  
> I may include other characters later... I haven’t decided yet.

_What the hell am I doing?_ Maddox thought to herself as she got dressed to leave. She never stayed the night. This wasn’t a relationship. It was convenient. She had known Jesse for years so maybe it was a little more than convenience... they were definitely friends. Friends that fucked, because that was the best word for what they did. It wasn’t intimate. “Hey Maddox, what are you doing tomorrow?” Jesse asked, pulling on his pants. “During the day?” She questioned, turning to face him. “No, the evening.” He replied. “I could come over.” Maddox said. “No. I’ll pick you up. I need to stop by a friends if you don’t mind coming with me.” He smiled. “What time?” She asked. “Six.” Jesse replied. “Ok.” Maddox said and headed home.

The next day flew by. It was Saturday but she had so much work to do she had gone into the office that morning. The amount of stress she was under to get this ad campaign put together was probably the reason she kept finding herself in Jesse’s bed. _Hopefully we won’t stay at his friends long... or maybe... no... bad Maddox_ , she thought, regaining her focus on her work. When she finally got home she showered, put on a sundress and styled her shoulder length blond hair straight. After putting on a little make up, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was pretty, short but fit, smart, had a good sense of humor, enjoyed sex... still she hadn’t been in an actual relationship in years. _Too busy,_ she thought. Work occupied so much of her time. Thank goodness for Jesse, otherwise she’d never get laid.

He was late, but that was typical, it was six thirty before she heard a knock at her door. “Sorry.” He said, not waiting for a response as he took her hand, almost dragging her out of her home. “Who do you know who lives here?” She asked as she followed him past a security desk, the guard merely nodding their direction. “A friend I’ve known since high school.” He replied as they got on the elevator. Maddox met Jesse in college, well when she was in college. He was an art professor... still was an art professor. She hadn’t been his student, they met through mutual friends but he was a good ten years older than her. Jesse was tall and slender, muscular but slender, dark brown hair that he kept a little long, long enough to fall into his eyes anyway, brown eyes, and tattoos. Lots of tattoos, well placed, all hand drawn by him, covering most of his arms and some of his back and chest. It was like he was his own canvas, a continual work in progress, and he was talented.

“Jesse, come in.” The friend from high school said, gesturing both of them into his apartment. “Raf, this is Maddox. Maddox, this is Rafael.” Jesse said introducing them. Maddox smiled and shook Rafael’s hand when he extended it. “She’s cute.” Rafael smirked as he let her hand go and made his way to his bar. “Do you prefer whiskey or rum?” Rafael asked as he poured whiskey into two glasses, a third sitting empty. “Rum.” She replied. He smiled to himself, almost like he had known her answer, and then topped the three drinks off with coke. Jesse pulled her to the couch and Rafael handed her the drink as he sat on her other side. They were both close, like really close, and then it dawned on her why Jesse wanted her to go with him to stop by his friends. _I’ve got to stop telling him the crazy thoughts that go through my head._ Maddox looked at Rafael. He was attractive, more so than Jesse, at least in her opinion. She watched as he licked his lower lip, his eyes scanning her. _Fuck it_ , she thought as she downed the drink.

Maddox turned her head to look at Jesse. He smiled and pressed his lips to hers, his hand reaching behind to the back of her head. Maddox lost herself in the kiss, feeling Rafael’s hand lightly graze her body, tugging the strap of her dress down and then his mouth on her nipple, tonguing ever so softly. “Do I need some sort of safe word?” Maddox asked, panting slightly as she pulled away from Jesse’s lips. “How about stop.” Rafael smirked as he stood, extending his hand to her. She took it and both her and Jesse stood, following him to a bedroom. “Lay on your back.” Rafael said. Maddox complied. Jesse pulled her so that her head was hanging off the bed while Rafael slipped the other strap of her dress down as his tongue started it’s path downward. Jesse pressed his tip against her lips about the same time Rafael shifted her to remove her underwear. Her mouth opened when she felt his tongue and Jesse pushed himself in.

The most she knew about the man between her legs was his name and that he was extremely talented with his tongue. It wasn’t long before she was moaning against Jesse as he thrust in and out of her mouth. She could feel the tension building within her when his fingers push inside her, and she couldn’t hold back any longer. Her body wriggled against him but he held her in place, causing her to grip his hair tightly as he gave her a few extra licks. Jesse helped her sit up on the bed in front of him, caressing her neck as she did. She watched Rafael strip as she leaned against Jesse, eyes widening slightly when his boxer briefs came off, and then climbed on his knees on the bed. “Crawl to me.” He ordered, pointing to the bed in front of him. Maddox looked up at Jesse who nodded. She felt like she should find this demeaning, off putting, but instead it seemed to excite her. _What is wrong with me_ , she thought as she crawled to him while maintaining eye contact. He gripped her hair and held her head in place, forcing her to keep looking at him. “Open.” He demanded. _Who the fuck is this guy?_ she thought, obediently opening her mouth. She felt Jesse behind her, slowly pushing into her, as Rafael continued to hold her head still. She noticed the corners of his lips pull up slightly before he slid himself in. They both seemed to be in rhythm with each other as they pushed into her and she assumed they had done this before. Jesse’s thumb pushed into her backside but that wasn’t a surprise to her, he always did that when they were in this position. She had expected Jesse to finish but instead he pulled out and pulled her back toward him by her hips. Smiling as he kissed her forehead and rested his hands on her shoulders.

“Come here.” Rafael said as he rolled a condom on. He had moved and was standing between his bed and the wall. Maddox made her way to him with Jesse following not far behind. She stood facing him, her forehead barely reaching his chin. She felt Jesse behind her as she waited for Rafael’s instructions. Instead of saying anything, Rafael lifted her, lined her up, and slowly lowered her onto him. Maddox had to wrap her arms around his neck to keep her balance as he thrust into her. She could feel Jesse behind her and then something cold and Jesse’s hands on her. “Wait.” She panted. They both stopped. Maddox looked at Jesse over her shoulder and then back at Rafael. “You want us to stop?” Rafael asked, leaning his head down slightly to look at her. _I must be really screwed up,_ she thought. “No. Keep going.” She said, taking a deep breath. “Try to relax.” Rafael whispered in her ear as she felt Jesse slowly push into her. She hadn’t really known what to expect, despite having been curious, this was a first. It started slightly uncomfortable but she tried to relax and the more they thrust, the better it felt. Soon she was close to climaxing again. Her head tilted back against Jesse as Rafael grunted into her shoulder. “Fuck.” She panted, gripping the back of Jesse’s hair with one hand and Rafael’s with the other. Her body convulsed between them but they kept their pace, Jesse’s muscles tightening shortly after, thrusting a few last times before pushing her hard into Rafael’s chest. Rafael’s hands moved closer to her butt so he could support her better as Jesse moved to dispose of the condom he had on. Maddox had thought he’d pump a few more times and release himself but instead Rafael moved them back to the bed his hands gripping her legs as he continued to thrust. “My god.” She moaned as another orgasm approached and this with just him inside her, it usually took more than that for her. He waited until she finished bucking against him before he allowed his own release.

He laid next to her while he caught his breath... they caught their breath... and then went to dispose of the condom. “You ok?” Jesse asked with a mischievous grin on his face. “I am.” She smiled, rolling her eyes when he tossed her underwear to her. Rafael emerged from the bathroom in loose pajama pants and a t-shirt. “We’ll head out.” Jesse said taking Maddox’s hand and pulling her toward him. “I’m glad you stopped by. It was nice to meet you Maddox.” He more smirked than smiled. “You too.” She smiled back as Jesse dragged her to the door.

“You could have told me.” Maddox said as they walked down the hall to the elevator. “You said you’d talk yourself out of it if you knew it was coming.” He smiled. “I’m not telling you anymore of my fantasies.” She said, smiling as she shook her head. “That seems a bit counter intuitive if you enjoyed yourself. You did enjoy yourself?” He asked, slightly concerned he may have overstepped. “Oh, I had fun.” She assured him.


	2. Chapter 2

The next week at work had proved to be as stressful, if not more than the week before. Maddox texted Jesse but he was out of town for a conference. _Great_ , she thought to herself. She left work late, walking passed Rafael’s building on her way to the subway. Maddox paused for a moment and then shook her head. “Don’t be crazy, you’re not desperate.” She muttered under her breath and continued toward the subway entrance at the corner. When she reached the steps she paused again and looked back at the building. _What could it hurt?_ It’s not like she knew him if he thought she was some crazy sex fiend and turned her away and if he let her in... She walked back up the sidewalk toward his building, nodding at the security guard as she passed.

“Maddox?” Rafael said as he opened his door slightly surprised to see her standing there. “Do you have company?” She asked. “No.” He replied, slightly amused that that was the first thing out of her mouth. “Jesse’s out of town and it’s been a rough week and...” She stopped talking when he gestured for her to enter his apartment. “Do you want a drink?” Rafael asked. “Not really.” Maddox replied. The corners of Rafael’s lips pulled up as he moved to stand in front of her. “Ok. First rule. If you’re going to stop by my place unannounced you need to be in a skirt or dress.” He stated, pulling her against him by the waist band of her slacks. “Pants too much work for you?” She quipped. “I just like them better.” He breathed against her ear as he unfastened her pants. “Second rule. You do what I say, when I say.” He said, reaching his fingers into her folds. Maddox was silent as she stood there, already breathing heavy. She didn’t know if it was his fingers or the game he was playing that was turning her on more. “Do you agree to those rules?” Rafael whispered in her ear. “Yes.” She managed to speak.

“On your knees.” He ordered, gesturing to the area in front of his couch. She assumed he would sit down so she faced the couch. Rafael smiled and knelt behind her, pulling both her slacks and underwear to her knees before pushing her against the couch. Maddox saw him set a condom wrapper next to her on the couch and wondered where he had pulled it from when she felt him push into her. “Damn.” She grunted as he gave her little time to adjust before he began thrusting. He bit her neck when she leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her torso. “Fuck.” She panted when he brought her to orgasm after barely touching her. “Take your pants off.” He instructed before leaning back on his heals. Maddox did what he said. He pushed her to sit on the couch, pulling her to the edge as he leaned in, pressing his tongue against her. He ran his tongue the length of her slit before returning to flick it against her. “Raf...” She moaned as she gripped her hand in his hair, her hips bucking against him. She tried to pull away but he held her in place, only relaxing his hold when the sound she was emitting became almost inaudible. Rafael pulled her slightly farther off the couch, pushing himself into her again, his hands unbuttoning her dress shirt as she laid in front of him. “Nice bra choice.” He smirked as he unhooked her front clasping bra. His hands slowly moved up her sides, thumbs pressing firmly against her abdomen before softly cupping her breast. “How?” She panted as she felt the pressure building again. “How what?” He asked, continuing his steady pace, thrusting in and out of her. She would have actually asked the question the first time if she had been able to get more than one syllable out. When she opened her mouth to speak again, it came out as air so she gave up, choosing instead to just enjoy what he was doing. Her back arched and he gripped her waist holding her still as he drilled into her even harder than before. “Fuck.” She moaned as she came, her body pushing back against him as he pumped a few last times, grunting his own release.

“Better?” He asked, his breathing heavy. “Much better.” She panted. “How long is Jesse out of town for?” Rafael questioned as he pulled out of her. “I didn’t ask.” Maddox smiled. “Just needed to get laid so bad you stopped by someone you’ve barely mets apartment?” He teased, moving to dispose of the condom. “Something like that.” Maddox sighed. “You’re a little kinky, huh?” He smirked when he sat next to her on the couch. “Me? I’m not the one who fucks girls with my friend.” She smiled. “You are the girl who let us.” He countered. “That was a first for me, clearly not for the two of you.” Maddox replied. “No, but it has been a while.” He said. “It’s been a while?” She inquired. “Life happened.” He smiled. “Oh.” She blurted. “Oh what?” He asked curiously. “You have a girlfriend or wife.” She said as she started to gather her clothes. The other woman was one thing she refused to be. “There’s no way I would have done what I just did to you if I were seeing someone. I am very much a one woman guy. I meant work.” He smiled pulling her to sit back down next to him. Maddox looked at him as she tried to determine if he was telling her the truth. “I should go.” She sighed. “Where do you live?” He asked. “Chelsea.” She replied. “You can stay. It’s past midnight, it’ll take you over an hour to get home at this time.” He offered. Maddox was tired, she hadn’t left work until well after nine and she knew she’d wait thirty minutes at least switching trains at this hour. “Are you sure?” She asked. “Yes.” He smiled, taking her hand as he guided her to his room.

Rafael tugged at her shirt as she climbed in his bed. “No clothes.” He stated when she looked back at him. “Is that another rule?” She teased. “It can be.” He smirked. Neither of them had redressed but her shirt had never really been removed. “What time do you get up?” She yawned, unintentionally smiling when he cuddled against her. “I don’t set an alarm on the weekend. Do you need me to get you up at a certain time?” He asked. “No.” She replied. “Why did you say how earlier?” He questioned. Maddox chuckled before answering. “I just normally don’t get off without clitoral stimulation. I promise it was more rhetorical than actually expecting you to answer.” “How many guys are you comparing me too?” He smirked. “Three.” She answered. “How old are you?” He asked, slightly hoping she looked younger than she actually was. “Twenty four.” She replied. Rafael buried his head in the back of her neck and groaned. “What? I assume you’re close to Jesse’s age.” Maddox said dismissively. “Plus about five years.” He sighed. “You’re thirty nine, big deal.” She smiled. “Please tell me Jesse didn’t deflower you?” Rafael questioned, knowing his friend was charming enough to have. “No,” Maddox chuckled, “he has been doing his best to corrupt me though. I think he enlisted your help a bit with that.” “You’re not helping.” Rafael scolded, pulling her tight against him.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning she didn’t stay long, merely thanked him for helping her... destress, and then headed home. Maddox showered and changed into a sundress to meet up with a coworker for a late lunch before they headed back into the office. This ad campaign would be the death of her. It was bad enough that she was a female in a still mostly male dominated PR firm but she was also young. Maddox wanted a corner office... or at least an office... She wanted to be taken seriously at work and she knew to make that happen she had to put in the hours. Weekends, evenings, grunt work, whatever was needed. This campaign was the first opportunity she had really been given to show how well she could actually lead as a creative director, a title she desperately wanted. “You very tightly wound.” Kevin, her coworker, teased as Maddox paced while they waited for the computer to load the files they had been working on. “I have more on the line with this than you.” She replied. “True. You’ve just seemed stressed lately. You do relax when you get home, right?” He was half teasing, half serious. “I promise, I take care of myself.” She smiled, sitting at the computer as the files popped up.

They worked the better part of the afternoon. “I think were done.” Kevin said, glancing everything over once more. “You think?” She questioned, looking at every detail of each image. “It’s good. I’ll set it up for you to pitch on Thursday.” Kevin replied, pulling up the schedule. Maddox nodded and went back to looking over their work. “You want to get a drink, unwind a bit?” He asked, as he gathered his things to leave. “No. I’m going to double check and make sure nothings misspelled before I send it to the printer.” Maddox replied, not even looking up as she mouthed each word, scanning the letters for typos. “Ok, see you Monday.” Kevin said, shaking his head slightly as he left.

Maddox spent another hour or so, not changing anything but checking that it was perfect and then sent the file to the printers. She scheduled the pick up for Tuesday so she’d have time to proof it before she pitched the campaign on Thursday. It was close to six when she gathered her things and left. Her work was so close to Rafael’s building she’d have to go a block out her way not to pass it on her way to the subway. Maddox paused briefly and smiled, looking up the side of his building, before shaking her head and continuing onward. “Changed your mind?” Came a voice behind her. She turned to find Rafael standing not too far from her, a few grocery bags hanging from him. “I merely paused to smile at the memory of last night. I wasn’t debating whether or not to stop.” She smiled turning to walk towards him. “You came all the way over here to reflect on last night.” He said lifting a brow. “No, I work in that building,” she smirked, pointing to a building a block down from his, “I needed to finish up something for next week. You just happen to be on my path to the subway.” “That’s a shame, you’re even dressed appropriately.” It was his turn to smirk. “I don’t really have anything planned for the rest of the evening.” She shrugged, looking up at him. Rafael bit back a chuckle and gestured for her to lead the way.

“Wait there.” He said as he put away his groceries. Maddox nodded and looked around his apartment, running her hand along the Vonnegut books that lined a shelf on his bookcase. “Have you read A Man Without A Country?” She asked, noticing it wasn’t in his collection. “I have.” He smiled as he made his way to her. “I was sitting in my economics class when I found out he died. The girl next to me had the school paper sitting between us and there it was in black and white. I mean I know he was eighty four but I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of class, I had been so excited when he started writing again. I’ve read A Man Without A Country almost once a year since.” She sighed. “Can you stop reminding me that you’re in your twenties?” He scolded, his hand entangling itself in her hair. “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.” Maddox smiled up at him. “Quote him again.” Rafael hummed, inches from her lips. “And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” She breathed as his lips moved closer to hers. They had done so much but he hadn’t kissed her. That hadn’t bothered her as this was just stress relief but the feelings that stirred as he continued to close the gap between them were hard to ignore. Maddox put her hand to his chest to stop him about the same time their lips connected and instead completely gave in to him, gripping his shirt and pulling him closer to her.

Rafael lifted her and carried her to his room, there lips barely parting. Maddox moaned against his lips... neck... shoulder... lips again. She didn’t notice their clothes come off, didn’t notice him get a condom, but he was definitely pushing into her. Her hands were gripping his hair, her back arching off the bed. His hands holding the sides of her face, not hurting her but definitely a firm grasp. His lips, brushing lightly against hers one moment and then aggressively pressing into her the next. This wasn’t like last night. There were no orders, no commands. Just two people who couldn’t get close enough to the other, at least she wanted to be closer to him. It felt reciprocated. _Don’t overthink this_ , she told herself, _it’s just sex... really, really good sex_. “Raf...” She panted, her head leaning back, her breathing becoming labored. Rafael grunted into her neck, waiting for her. Maddox’s hips bucked against him as her body jerked forward, their lips meeting again. His thrust were purposeful and then slowed as his lips caressed hers.

“Don’t move.” He huffed as he disappeared into the bathroom. _Now he’s demanding_ , she chuckled to herself. Rafael crawled next to her and pulled the covers over them. “Have you eaten?” He asked, his fingers tracing lines on her shoulder and arms. “Not since lunch.” She replied, running her hand through the hair right behind his ear. _So different than last night_ , she thought. “We can take a quick rinse, then go out... if you want?” Rafael suggested. _Fuck he has nice eyes. No... no... say no..._ “Ok.” Maddox smiled, ignoring her own thoughts. He smiled and kissed her again, before taking her hand so she’d follow him to the bathroom.

“You realize I know absolutely nothing about you, other than your name and where you live.” Maddox said after they ordered. “You know I’m a Vonnegut fan.” He teased. “This is true. I also know you have a good job.” She smiled. “What else can you infer?” He asked curiously. “Something about my age bothers you and I’m going to assume it has to do with perception and your work because you clearly have no problem in the bedroom.” She smirked. “What else?” He asked leaning back slightly, the corners of his lips twitching upward. “You and Jesse have a crazy past.” She said as she tried to think. “That’s not exactly an inference.” He stated. “Fine,” Maddox’s said rolling her eyes, “You’re smart, like Ivy League smart, but not boastful and you’re kind, or at least you have been to me.” Rafael bit back a smile but didn’t say anything. “What about me?” She goaded. “You’re a Vonnegut fan.” He smiled when she rolled her eyes again. “You’re desperately trying to prove something at work. That’s the only reason I can think of that you’d spend your Saturday there. You enjoy sex but aren’t necessarily interested in a relationship. You’re fairly intuitive and I assume you met Jesse at school.” “It’s not that I’m not interested in a relationship, it’s more about finding the time to meet someone.” Maddox sighed. “You never dated Jesse?” He asked curiously. “We’re friends, never anything more.” She replied. _Did he just smile?_ Maddox brought her drink to her lips to hide the brief blush she knew crossed her face. “Is any of what I said the truth?” She asked. “You’ll have to get to know me better to find out.” He smiled, taking a sip of his own drink.

They walked slowly back toward his building where she assumed they’d say goodbye and she’d catch her train. “I don’t want you to go yet.” Rafael almost whispered when they reached his building, taking her hand in his. “Is that a request or a demand?” She asked, her eyes locking with his. “Which ever one gets you to stay.” He said, not breaking their eye contact. “I can stay.” She replied softly. “So which was it?” He questioned as they entered his building. “Honestly, I would have stayed for either, so go with however you originally intended it.” She smiled. “It was a request then.” He said, interlocking his fingers with hers.


	4. Chapter 4

_Two mornings in a row... What am I doing?_ Maddox thought as she woke with her arm draped over his torso, her head resting on his chest. “Morning.” Rafael mumbled as he stretched his arm, letting it rest back on her side. “Morning.” She smiled, reaching to grab her phone off his night stand. “Hey!” She squealed when he took it from her. “What’s your password?” He asked, keeping it out of her reach. “You want to go through my phone?” She questioned. “No. Just give me your password.” He smiled. “Fine. Four, seven, eight, nine.” Maddox sighed. “You give up quick.” He said, laughing when she smacked his arm. “You want to meet up with Jesse Friday?” He asked. “What?” She questioned, not knowing what he was referencing. “Jesse texted you. Do you want to meet up with him Friday? I can reply for you.” He smirked. “I don’t know what I’m doing yet Friday.” She smiled. “What or who?” He teased as he typed something into her phone. “What are you doing?” She asked, ignoring his jab. “You’ll see.” He said as his phone buzzed. “What did you do?” She half panicked as he handed her phone back to her. “Texted myself your number.” Rafael smiled. “Your last names Barba?” She asked when she saw the contact he had added and left up on her screen. “Yes. What’s yours?” He asked as he created a contact for her. “Maddox.” She replied. “Your name is Maddox, Maddox?” He questioned. “No. My last name is Maddox. My first name is Susan,” she said rolling her eyes, “don’t put that in there. Just use Maddox.” “What’s wrong with Susan? He questioned. “Nothing, I just don’t think it fits me.” She replied, as she looked at her screen.

“What are you doing?” Rafael inquired, noticing she had been scanning her screen since he handed her phone back to her. “Googling you.” She smiled. “That’s cheating.” He huffed, trying to take the phone from her. “I’ll just do it when I get home.” She giggled when he pinned her arms above her head to keep her from looking at her phone anymore. “You’re an ADA?” She grinned. “Are you on the pill?” He asked, ignoring her question. “Yes.” She answered. “When was the last time you were tested?” He asked. “A few months ago. I’m clean. You?” She replied, looking up at him as he hovered over her. “I’m clean. Are you sleeping with anyone other than Jesse?” He asked, spreading her legs with his as he lowered himself between them. “Just you,” she smiled, “what about you?” “I’ve never slept with Jesse.” Rafael smirked. Maddox rolled her eyes. “I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” He added. She watched him, her heart rate increasing as he eased himself into her, her arms still pinned above her head, his eyes locking with hers as he thrust. They stayed like that, staring at each other, her arms pinned, him pushing into her. _Jesus_ , she thought as her toes curled, _he can’t be that good... can he?_ Their eyes were still locked, his intensely staring back at hers. Her breathing quickened and her back arched, breaking their eye contact as her neck stretched upwards. “Not yet,” Rafael huffed, taking his hand and forcing her to look at him again, “I’ll tell you when.” _He’s fucking kidding, right?_ Maddox thought as she felt she could explode at any moment. _Breathing, focus on your breathing. Can I ask him to stop looking at me? Fuck._ Maddox closed her eyes, but that only made the sensations flooding through her stronger. _Baseball_ , she thought, her eyes popping open, _don’t guys think about baseball or something?_ Her eyes connected with his again. _I don’t know anything about baseball... Fuck!_ “Rafael, please!” She pleaded. “Not yet.” He purred. Maddox didn’t know what was happening. It was like her orgasm was just sitting there building in intensity waiting for his permission and all she could do was let it happen. _Or beg. You can beg._ “Fuck... Raf... Please!” She couldn’t even say his name at that point, one syllable was all she could manage at a time. “Ok.” He panted his permission and suddenly her senses were overloaded. _Holy fuck,_ she thought as her hips didn’t buck or push against him but her body was flooded with an indescribable feeling that radiated through her. Her toes curled, hands clinched, and eyes rolled back when her body finally began to jerk.

Maddox’s breathing leveled out and she opened her eyes to find Rafael had release her arms. His body was pressed against hers and he was panting into her clavicle. “You glad I made you wait?” He teased, not bothering to lift his head. “Proud of yourself?” She quipped when she felt him smiled against her skin. “Always.” He panted. _Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?_ Maddox thought as her senses returned to a normalized state. “Shower?” Rafael asked as he peeled himself from her. “Why not.” She smiled, taking the hand he was offering her.

“So, you’re an ADA?” She asked as they ate lunch at a restaurant not far from his apartment. “I am.” Rafael smiled, knowing she would just look it up later if he ignored her question. “Which borough?” Maddox asked. “Manhattan.” He smiled. “Don’t want to talk about your work?” She teased. “Not really.” He smirked. “Ok.” She grinned as she pulled her phone out to look him up. Rafael shook his head, the smirk still present as he watched her read about him. “Wow...” Maddox muttered as she scrolled through different articles his name popped up in. “You prosecute mostly sex crimes.” She stated. “And...” He said, lifting his brow. “Just didn’t expect that considering how we met.” She smirked. “We didn’t do anything you weren’t ok with. You’re just lucky I didn’t have you to sign a consent form.” He teased. “How’d you meet Jesse anyway? He said you were a friend from high school but if you’re five years older than him you wouldn’t have been in high school at the same time.” Maddox asked. “I worked a summer program at my moms charter school, mentoring juniors and seniors, helping them stay on track for graduation. Jesse is one of the success stories. We continued to talk throughout his college days, becoming good friends over the years.” Rafael said. “So whose influence was it that led to what we did the other night?” She chuckled. “That was all Jesse and other than you, only really happened a few times in my late twenties.” He replied.

“I can get mine.” Maddox offered when the waiter sat down the check. The corners of his mouth turned upward as he picked up the check and looked at her. “Or not.” She added shaking her head slightly. Rafael set his card down not breaking eye contact. “Most people can’t do that.” He said. “Do what?” She asked. “Maintain eye contact without nervously talking. It’s usually how I get information out of people.” He smirked. “You can ask me anything.” She shrugged. “You’re very relaxed today.” He said. “That’s because you gave me the most intense orgasm I think I’ve ever had this morning.” She chuckled, turning slightly pink when the waiter she hadn’t notice walk up glanced between the two of them as he picked up Rafael’s card. “Well at least you don’t purposefully share the details of your sex life.” Rafael smirked after the waiter left. “Funny.” She huffed.

“Thanks for lunch.” Maddox said as she grabbed her work bag from the floor next to his couch. “You’re welcome.” He replied, moving to stand in front of her, smiling when she looked up at him. Their eyes locked as he leaned in to kiss her. _It’s just sex... it’s just sex..._ She told herself as her stomach did a little flip when their lips connected. His arm pulled her tighter, a throaty, almost groan, escaping him. “Bring whatever you need for the morning when you come over tonight.” He breathed as he broke the kiss. _Tonight?_ Maddox looked at him like he was slightly crazy. “Say eight?” He asked, before pressing his lips to hers again. _No. I don’t stay the night. I mean... I don’t make plans to stay the night. Especially consecutive nights... Tell him no. Say you can’t, beg off for a few nights..._ Maddox smiled softly when their lips parted and eyes connected again. “Eight is fine.” _Really..._ Maddox internally rolled her eyes. “Great.” He said, pressing his forehead to hers, his hand holding hers as long as he could until she left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode reference is season 16 episode 11: Agent Provocateur

Maddox opened her eyes to the now familiar sight of Rafael’s torso as her head rested on his chest. She had slept in his bed every night for the last two weeks, using work as an excuse to beg off from meeting up with Jesse last Friday. Part of her had hated to disappoint him, he had always been available when she texted, almost always... but she kept ending up here. It was like she couldn’t help herself, if Rafael texted... called... asked... she couldn’t say no. Well she could, but she didn’t exactly want to... no matter what she tried to tell herself. Maddox shifted so she could look at his face and smiled when his arm tightened around her. “Are you trying to watch me sleep?” He asked, the lines around his eyes crinkling slightly. “How can I watch you sleep if you’re awake?” She smiled, pulling herself to straddle him as she laid against his chest. Rafael ran his hands through her hair, gently brushing it to one side. “We have to get up.” He sighed. “I know.” She groaned, pulling herself off him. “Shower?” He smirked.

Her hairdryer, makeup, toothbrush, shampoo... everything she needed to not look like she hadn’t slept at home when she went into work had somehow ended up at his place over the last couple weeks. _I have shit here... like lots of shit here..._ Maddox thought as Rafael dragged her passed the laundry basket piled with her clothes from the last week on their way to the bathroom. “Come here.” He said pulling her toward the bench seat in his shower. “You’re going to be late.” She smiled as he pushed her to her knees on the bench so that she faced the wall. “Then I’m late.” Rafael stated, lowering himself and pushing into her. One hand braced against the wall, the other pulling against her abdomen. “I’m going to be late.” Maddox half moaned as she leaned her head against his shoulder. “You want me to stop?” He grunted. “No.” She smiled, reaching her hand behind her and into his hair. Rafael continued to thrust into her until she was panting, both of her hands pressing against the shower wall to support her. “Fuck...” She moaned, buckling against him. “You really like that word.” He smirked, gripping her hair and pulling her head back firmly, grunting his release.

 _He’s a distraction..._ Maddox rolled her eyes as she sat in her cubicle thinking about Rafael instead of work. _He’s an attractive distraction... The way his hair kind of arcs over to one side. That stupid smirk that’s always on his face._ Maddox smiled. _Stop it. It’s just sex... really really good sex. That’s why I keep going back... It’s not like he’s interested in more anyway. He’s just horny and I’m willing... but my god... who wouldn’t be..._ “Maddox?” Kevin said, pulling her from her thoughts. “Huh... I mean yes.” She replied, almost knocking her water bottle over. “Did you get the studio booked?” He asked. “Yes. It’s set up for nine on Monday.” She said as her phone buzzed. “Can you get away early for a late lunch?” Rafael texted. Maddox smiled when she read it. “Your boyfriend?” Kevin smirked. “Not exactly,” She smiled, “Do you think anyone would noticed if I left around two thirty?” “Go ahead. Photographer’s booked for Monday, not much more you can do until then.” He smiled, giving her his blessing to skip out early, he was technically her supervisor. “Thanks.” She smiled, turning to her computer to finalize a few things before she left. “I can leave here around two thirty.” She texted Rafael.

He had texted her directions to his office and told her to meet him there. “Can I help you?” Carmen said as Maddox approached the office Rafael had directed her to. “I hope so. I’m looking for Rafael... Barba. Rafael Barba.” Maddox said, faltering on whether to use only his first name or his full name. “Can I tell him whose here?” Carmen asked, looking at the young women curiously since most people used his last name, or full name, but rarely just his first. “Maddox.” She replied. “Just a second.” Carmen said. Maddox watched as she opened a door not far from her desk and spoke. “You can go in.” Carmen said, stepping aside so Maddox could enter. “Hey.” Rafael smiled as she entered his office. “You look good in a suit.” Maddox said before Carmen shut the door to his office, neither of them noticing her smile to herself at Maddox’s comment. “I don’t look good regardless?” He smirked. “You do, but seriously, don’t change out of the suits before I get to you.” She smiled, moving closer to him. “You’re making rules now?” He asked, standing to meet her. “If you’ll let me.” She teased, wrapping her fingers around his suspenders. “I can keep the suit on sometimes.” He replied, pressing his hand into her hair at the base of her head. “Are your blinds always closed or is that for me?” Maddox breathed. “Mostly for you, but don’t get any crazy ideas, I really invited you here for lunch.” He replied. “Then why close the blinds?” She pouted. “Because you’ve been in my office less than two minutes and look at us.” He smirked pulling her closer to him and pressing his lips against hers.

“Mr. Barba?” Carmen said opening the door after she knocked like she always did. Rafael removed his hand from Maddox’s hair and stepped back from her slightly. “Yes.” He said. “Sargent Benson and Detectives Amaro, Carisi, and Tutuola are here.” Carmen stated. “Of course they are,” he sighed, “give me a minute and then send them in.” Maddox watched as Carmen nodded and stepped outside. “Do you mind waiting outside? I shouldn’t be long.” He asked, apologetically. “That’s fine.” Maddox smiled, turning toward the door. The group glanced at her when she exited before they entered his office, closing the door behind them. Maddox smiled politely at Carmen and sat at a chair nearby, pulling a book out of her bag while she waited.

Maddox looked up when his door opened less than twenty minutes later. “Are you leaving Barba?” Liv asked as he followed them out, adjusting his suit jacket. “You have my number if you need me.” He smirked, making his way to Maddox. “You ready?” He asked. “That was quick.” She smiled, standing when he offered his hand. They followed the detectives to the elevator. “You going to introduce us counselor?” Carisi asked as they got on the elevator. “No.” Barba huffed. “I’m Maddox.” She smiled, ignoring Rafael’s eye roll. “I’m Sonny, this is Liv, Nick, and Fin.” Carisi said pointing to the people around him. “How do you know Barba?” Nick asked, hinting at the question they all wanted to ask. “Mutual friend.” Maddox replied. She was standing close to Rafael, but purposefully not touching him. “Are you in college?” Liv asked, trying to gauge Maddox’s age. “No. I’m graphic artist at an PR firm.” Maddox answered. They rode the rest of the elevator in silence, Rafael thankful no one flat out asking if they were dating, although he was curious what her answer would be.

“The detectives seem nice.” Maddox smiled after they had ordered. “They’re nosy with impeccable timing.” He huffed. “You really don’t like me mixed with your work life.” She chuckled. “I wouldn’t have invited you to meet me at my office if it bothered me.” Rafael smiled. “What is the case you’re working on or can I not ask that?” She questioned. “That one.” He said gesturing to the television that was playing LMZ above the bar. “You’re the prosecutor on suitcase girl?” Maddox asked a little too excitedly causing Rafael to roll his eyes. “Sorry.” She smiled. “You pay attention to that stuff?” He questioned, assuming from her use of ‘suitcase girl’ she watched LMZ. “I work in public relations and advertising, I’m on top of all current events, including celebrity gossip.” She replied. “I’m on the news fairly often. You didn’t recognize me?” He teased. “I mostly read the news. I’m familiar with a few of your cases but mostly an overview. If I read your name it never stuck.” She smiled, turning her attention back to the television. “Right on cue.” Rafael huffed as his phone rang. “Barba. Yeah I saw. No. Yeah I can swing by. When will you pick him up?” “You have to go back to work?” Maddox asked. “Not for longer than an hour. How’s you book?” He asked. “It’s good.” She replied. “If you don’t mind waiting you can come with.” He offered. “I don’t mind.” She smiled.

Maddox read in a chair while Rafael watched Nick and Carisi interview Scott Russo from Liv’s office. She only had a few chapters left and managed to finish her book before the door opened and Rafael emerged with the woman she had been introduce to as Liv. “Who’s the girl Barba?” Liv asked when she notice Maddox sitting across the bullpen. “A friend.” He replied, ignoring the intent behind her question. “Barba...” She said, furrowing her brow. “I have to go, interview the girl again.” He stated, quickly making his way to Maddox so they could leave. “You’re done?” Maddox asked, standing when he got closer to her. “I am.” He smiled as she walked next to him as they left. “I need to get some clothes for tomorrow, do you mind if we stop by my place?” She asked. _Shit... He didn’t actually ask me to stay over tonight..._ “That’s fine.” Rafael smirked, taking her hand in his.

“You live in a brownstone in Chelsea?” Rafael asked, the surprise in his voice not going unnoticed by Maddox. “My aunt lives in the brownstone, she lets me use one of the rooms.” Maddox smiled as she let them in. Rafael immediately noticed the bohemian style that was almost overwhelming, especially compared to his more contemporary home. “Molly!” Maddox called as they walked into the main living area. “Hey Maddox, I’m upstairs.” Molly called back. “Are you decent? I’m not alone.” Maddox yelled as they started up the stairs. “Is Jesse with you? He’s seen me naked.” Molly yelled back. Maddox almost laughed at Rafael’s face before she called back up the stairs. “It’s not Jesse, put your clothes on.” “Fine.” Came the response. “My aunts a bit of a free spirit. She’s never slept with Jesse.” Maddox chuckled as Rafael paused on the stairs. “That’s good to know.” He half muttered as he followed again.

“You’re home early... or should I just say home.” Molly, who was wearing a robe, smiled as Maddox and Rafael entered the sitting area Molly used to meditate. “Molly this is Rafael, Rafael this is my aunt, Molly Maddox.” Maddox said, introducing the two. “Please tell me this is where you’ve been every night recently.” Molly almost purred as she scan Rafael with her eyes. “Ignore her.” Maddox smiled as she shook her head. “Listen to Maddox, I promise I’m harmless.” Molly smiled. “I doubt that.” Rafael quipped, earning a chuckle from Molly. “Your mom stopped by last week for dinner.” Molly said turning her attention to Maddox. “Sorry I missed that.” Maddox replied sarcastically. “She’s doing better.” Molly sighed. “I’ll take your word for it.” Maddox said flatly. “Alright.” Molly said, dropping the subject of her mother. “Hey, can I borrow your blue top with the three quarter length sleeves?” Maddox asked. “Yes, it should be in my closet.” Molly smiled. “Thanks.” Maddox said as she dragged Rafael to her aunts room to get the shirt. “She’s not exactly what I expected when you said this was you aunts house.” Rafael laughed once they were out of ear shot. “Would you believe she works on Wall Street?” Maddox chuckled as she pulled the top out of the closet.

“How long have you lived here?” Rafael asked when they entered her room. It was a good size room with a nice bedroom set but lacked a lot of personal touches. She had a few paintings hung on the wall, an easel with a partially started canvas sitting on it in the corner, paints and brushes on the dresser, a small bookshelf, but not much else. “Since I was fifteen.” She replied as she scanned her bookshelf. He watched as she traded out the book she had been reading for a new one before moving to her closet to grab something to go with the top. “Does me inviting myself over tonight count as showing up unannounced?” She teased as she folded a pair of jeans to bring. “You know you can wear whatever you want when you come over.” He smiled. “I know.” Maddox said as she grabbed underwear. “You don’t really have a lot of stuff in here.” He noted. “I bounced around for a few years before I moved in with Molly so I just find it easier to not keep a lot of things.” Maddox replied as she placed the items she had gathered into a bag. “Are you ready?” She asked turning to him as she place it over her shoulder. “Yes.” He smiled, mulling over the way she talked about her mother and her comment about bouncing around for a few years as he followed her out.

“I need to do laundry.” Maddox muttered as they laid in his bed. “You can use my washer tomorrow if you want.” Rafael replied. “That means I’ll be in your apartment for a few hours.” She said looking up at him. “I’ll survive.” He smiled. “You don’t mind me being here?” She asked. “Since you’re doing laundry, we can stay in all day. You can wear the top you borrowed on Sunday.” The corners of his lips twitched slightly upward. “You just want to have sex all day?” She chuckled as she rested her head back on his chest. “Maybe not all day.” He hummed. They laid in silence for a while just enjoying being next to each other before he spoke again. “Maddox?” “Yes.” She hummed against his chest. “Is Molly your mother’s sister or your father’s?” He asked. “My mom’s.” She replied. _Don’t ask about my mom... Don’t ask about my mom..._ “Why don’t you want to see your mom?” Rafael inquired. “I’m tired, Rafael.” Maddox sighed. “I thought I could ask you anything.” He said, his tone more serious than she would have liked. _Is that concern_. “You can. It’s just... Can you ask me tomorrow?” Maddox looked up at him again, her eyes pleading with him to let it go. “Ok.” He said, pulling her slightly higher on his chest so he could kiss her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a little choppy... It’s all one day just in case that’s not clear.

Maddox chuckled to herself when Rafael lightly snored as she laid on his chest. _Even his snoring is attractive. Is that possible? ...Jesus, I’m pathetic._ Rafael’s arms tightened around her when she shifted to get out of bed but he didn’t wake up. _Great..._ she thought as she laid pinned to his chest. _How serious was he about having sex all day?_ Maddox smiled to herself and reached her hand lower under the covers, lightly stroking him, giggling when he stirred slightly. “What are you doing?” He mumbled, still half asleep. “Waking you up,” she smiled, “is it working?” Maddox could feel in her hand that it was working but still enjoyed the little groan that escaped him. “Where are you going?” Rafael huffed when she got up. “I’ll be right back, I’ve had to pee for a while now. Don’t move ok?” She grinned as she disappeared into the bathroom.

“You couldn’t have gone to the restroom before you woke me up?” He huffed when she returned. “You wouldn’t let go of me.” She smiled, climbing back in bed. “I’m pretty sure you could have gotten out of my arms.” He smirked as he watched her kiss down his chest. “I don’t know, every time I tried, you squeezed tighter.” Maddox said, taking him in her hands. Rafael watched as she licked up the underside before wrapping her hand around the base and taking him in her mouth. She bobbed a few times to help lubricate him and then shifted her position so she could take him deeper. Maddox looked up at him and watched his eyes shift from her mouth to her eyes and then mouth again. “Can you take all of it?” Rafael breathed as he reached both hands into her hair, gripping close to her head. Maddox moved her hand and relaxed her throat as she took him deeper until her nose pressed against him. “Mierda.” He groaned as he tightened his grip and held her there as he bucked slightly. He had expected her to come off him, maybe gasp for air, when he lessened his grip on her, but instead she pulled back slightly and kept bobbing. A few quick bobs, followed by longer ones where she took all of him in again. “Jesus.” He moaned, his breathing becoming more labored as she continued. “Maddox...” He panted, his hands gripped in her hair again. She came almost all the way off him and then took him back down her throat, holding him there when she felt his muscles tense and he jerked against her. Slowly, she eased herself off him and kissed her way back up his chest, enjoying the sounds of him panting as his arm came to rest on her side again. “I really hope you like doing that because now that I know you can...” He smirked. “I do.” She smiled, pulling herself up to kiss his cheek but instead finding his lips. Rafael turned toward her and pulled her tighter, pressing his lips firmly against hers. “Let’s go get your laundry started and then I’ll repay you for that.” He breathed when their lips finally parted.

“Are you still sleeping with Jesse?” Rafael asked as he held her in his bed. “With all my free time?” Maddox chuckled, “I enjoy sex but I’m not an addict.” “Would you sleep with him?” He asked. “Not if you’re my other option.” She teased. “I’m kind of being serious here.” Rafael sighed. “Do you not want me to?” Maddox asked. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t sleep with anyone but me.” He said, locking eyes with her. “So, we would be exclusive?” She questioned. “Some might call it a relationship.” It was his turn to tease. _A relationship? Don’t be giddy... Don’t be giddy..._ “You’re the only person I want to sleep with.” She smiled. “Good.” He smirked, pulling her tighter. “When was the last time?” Rafael asked. “The last time what?” She questioned. “With Jesse?” He clarified. “That night with you.” She replied, looking up just in time to see him bite back a chuckle. “What’s so funny?” She asked. “It’s just we’ll never be able to tell people the circumstance in which we met.” He laughed. “Let’s just stick with we met through a mutual friend.” Maddox chuckled.

“I’m number four?” He asked. “Yes.” She replied. “And Jesse’s number...?” He question. “Two.” She said as she traced lines on his chest. “Whose number three?” He inquired. “You want to tell me your sexual history?” Maddox chuckled. “Fine, I’ll stop prying.” He mumbled. “My first was a close friend from high school. He liked me more than I liked him... we dated for a bit but it just never felt right. The third, was a guy from one of my classes that I thought was cute. We went on a few dates and slept together once and he never called back. A few weeks later I called Jesse back up.” Maddox said dismissively. “You didn’t have to tell me.” Rafael sighed. “I told you you could ask me anything.” She smiled. “You didn’t love the first person you slept with?” He asked. “No. I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I just wish I hadn’t hurt James in the process.” She sighed. “How’d Jesse end up being the second guy you slept with?” Rafael questioned. “I hung out with a lot of grad students and he showed up at different get togethers I would get invited to. We started talking and became friends. I kept hearing little things about how he taught Jenny this or Anna that so I asked him to teach me.” She shrugged. “You asked him to teach you about sex?” He inquired, lifting an eyebrow. “I wasn’t interested in anyone, he made me feel safe, and I was curious. Is it so wrong to want to be in control of when and how you learn something?” She asked. “No it’s not. I guess I have Jesse to thank for this morning.” He chuckled. “You can call him later.” She smirked. “You want to know about me?” He asked. “After what you and Jesse did to me... no.” She chuckled. “Fair enough.” He smirked, pulling her tighter. “I’ve never done this though.” Maddox said softly. “Done what?” He asked. “Found someone I wanted to spend time with both in and out of the bedroom.” She smiled. “You mean a relationship?” He chuckled. “Yes.” She said, lightly smacking him. “Maybe we will leave my apartment today after all,” he smiled, “I’ll take you on an official date.”

“You managed to get me into a skirt anyway.” Maddox teased as she slipped on her favorite work dress. The fitted red one that was both modest and subtly flattered her figure that she had purposefully worn to pitch her ad campaign over a week ago. “My ultimate goal.” He smirked as he adjusted his tie. “It’s not too much?” She questioned moving closer to him, while putting on a pair of earrings. “You look amazing.” He smiled as he wrapped his arm around her waist. “You’re not so bad yourself.” She smirked, pressing herself against the front of the gray suit he had put on as he leaned down to kiss her. “Whose that?” He asked, breaking their kiss when her phone rang. Maddox looked at her phone laying on his bed. “Jesse. I guess I should tell him I’m seeing someone.” She smiled. “Are you going to tell him it’s me.” Rafael asked. “Unless you don’t want me to.” She replied. “Put it on speaker.” He smirked.

“Dinner was nice.” Maddox smiled as she curled into him. “It was.” He hummed, curling his arms around her. _I could get used to this..._ Maddox thought before quickly scolding herself. _Don’t get attached... It’s only been two weeks..._ “Is it ok if I ask about your mom?” Rafael asked. _See.._. Maddox sighed before just jumping into her childhood. “My mom had me at eighteen. She wasn’t dating my father. He was in his thirties and dating the women he’s currently married to. He completely refused to admit I was even his. She was never exactly responsible and didn’t handle my father abandoning us very well. I don’t know when exactly she started using but she was pretty much your typical junkie by the time I was eight. It was just me and her bouncing around wherever she could afford to sleep that month. Molly convinced her to get a paternity test and sue my father for back child support so we could get a decent place but the money just ended up going to drugs. She almost died from an overdosed when I was ten. DCS got involved and I was placed in foster care for almost a year before the courts finally contacted my father. I was moved in with him and his family but that was almost worse. I had a room and clean clothes... mostly for appearances... but he didn’t want me there. It was like I was an outsider watching what an actual family was supposed to look like, their kids being a few years younger than me. He had his picture perfect family, I was just the ever present blemish from his past. Molly would have taken me sooner but she was ten when I was born and only halfway through college when my mom lost custody. After she graduated, she took a job on WallStreet and saved enough to buy the brownstone. She’s the only person whose ever wanted me. My father happily transferred guardianship to her and I’ve been there ever since. My mom stops by occasionally but she’s always the same despite Molly statement that she’s doing better.”

Rafael didn’t say anything, just looked at her while he ran his hand through her hair, clearly thinking. _Too much Maddox... Too much... I should leave..._ “I’ll go.” She said softly, starting to get up. “What? No. I don’t want you to go,” Rafael said pulling her back down, “I was only trying to figure out what to say.” “It’s a lot.” She sighed. “I asked.” He replied, pulling her closer. “My parents are crap but that doesn’t change who I am.” She almost whispered. “I know.” He smiled softly. “Are you ok?” She asked. “I’m fine, I kind of want to punch your father but I’m fine.” Rafael smirked. “Are you ok?” He added. “So it goes...” Maddox hummed as she rested her head on his chest. Rafael smiled at her subtle Vonnegut reference. “I have to go to an obligatory, who has the biggest ego, gala next month. Do you want to be my date?” He asked. “You want to make plans for a month out?” She asked, looking up at him again. “I’ll even buy you a dress.” He smirked. “Ok.” Maddox smiled before pressing her lips against his.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode reference: season 16 episode 11 and 12

“Hey Rafael.” Maddox said, giving him a quick peck as he let her in his apartment. “Maddox.” He greeted as she plopped on his couch. “So, you know how this week has been crazy?” She asked as she reached into her bag. “I have a vague recollection of helping you relieve a little stress.” He smirked. “Well it’s done,” she smiled, rolling her eyes at his comment, “everything’s been sent off. Ad space bought. And I’m getting to work with Kevin on one of our biggest clients.” “That’s great.” Rafael said as he sat next to her. “Look.” She grinned handing him her iPad. “Is this what you’ve been working on?” He asked as he flipped through the images. “Yes. They’ll be on billboards and in magazines... on buses. I mean it was a group effort but the concept is mine.” She smiled. “When?” He asked. “Should be visible nationally next month.” Maddox replied. “You’re cute when you’re excited.” He smiled, leaning in to kiss her. “How was your day?” She asked. “Simmons didn’t show and I ended up spending two hours watching a grand jury play sudoku.” He huffed. “You need me to relieve a little of your stress.” She smirked, pulling him down to her lips again. “Hmmmm...” he hummed, “maybe later. I’d like to take you to eat first.” “Ok,” Maddox smiled, “what happened with Simmons?” “Liv waited until the end of the day to pick him up. He wont be processed until Monday.” Rafael grinned. “That’ll teach him to waste your time.” She teased. “Jesse wants to have lunch tomorrow, the three of us. Is that ok?” He asked. “Fine by me.” She smiled. “Good. I already told him yes.” Rafael smirked.

“Hey Jesse.” Maddox said, giving him a hug when she and Rafael joined him at a small cafe. “Hey Maddox, Rafael.” Jesse smiled. “Jesse.” Rafael greeted. _Is this weird? It doesn’t feel weird... Should it feel weird?..._ Maddox thought as she and Rafael sat across the table from Jesse. “Is this awkward?” She asked glancing between the two of them. “Should it be?” Rafael asked. “I don’t know, I was just checking.” She shrugged. “How exactly did this happen?” Jesse questioned. “You introduced us.” Maddox smiled. “Yeah, you didn’t exactly do a lot of talking that night.” Jesse smirked. “She just showed up at my door one night... I think you were out of town.” Rafael chuckled. “Maddox...” Jesse half scolded. “What? It was a stressful week and it’s not like we hadn’t done it before.” She grinned. “And you just let her in?” Jesse asked, lifting a brow toward Rafael who merely shrugged with an impish grin on his face. “I’ve created a monster...” Jesse muttered. “Yes you did.” Rafael replied, laughing when Maddox smacked his arm. “Ok, but that just explains the sex. When did it become more?” Jesse asked. Maddox was going to say a week ago but Rafael spoke first. “The moment she quoted my favorite Vonnegut line to me.” _That was before we kissed... right before we kissed... Is that why he kissed me?_ Maddox looked at Rafael so quickly Jesse chuckled, “I take it that wasn’t the answer you were expecting.” “Shut up, Jesse.” Maddox smirked. Rafael didn’t say anything, just smiled and took her hand in his.

“You’re serious about her?” Jesse asked when Maddox excused herself to the restroom. “You know me. I wouldn’t commit if I weren’t.” Rafael replied. “I know, I just don’t want to see her hurt.” Jesse sighed. “What about me? She’s the one who could find someone younger, more age appropriate... quite easily I might add.” Rafael said a little defensively. “She wont, but you could handle it if she did. Maddox has been through a lot, she’s more fragile than she lets on.” Jesse said. “She mentioned some things about her mom and dad.” Rafael sighed. “She told you about her parents?” Jesse asked cocking a brow. “About a week ago.” Rafael replied. “She must feel comfortable with you. It was over a year before she mentioned her mom to me, even longer before her dad. Did she mention anything else?” Jesse questioned. “Should she have?” Rafael inquired. “I was just curious.” Jesse shrugged. “How close are you two?” Rafael asked. “She’s never been interested in me that way if that’s what you’re getting at. We’re friends.” Jesse replied. “Have you ever been interested in her like that?” Rafael questioned. “I’d be lying if I said it had never crossed my mine but she deserves better than me. I’ve never been able to commit.” Jesse shrugged. “You’re ok with us?” Rafael asked. “I’m still glad I brought her by.” Jesse smirked. “Me too.” Rafael grinned. “Have you met Molly? That women’s a trip.” Jesse chuckled. “Apparently you’ve seen her nude.” Rafael laughed. “Spend some time there and tell me you don’t walk in on her meditating in the buff. It doesn’t even phase her either, she just smiles and continues with her relaxation techniques.” Jesse said, shaking his head. “I think I’ll keep Maddox at my place.” Rafael chuckled. “What are we talking about?” Maddox asked as she sat back down. “Molly.” Jesse grinned. “Oh yeah. I should apologize now in case you ever see her naked. I’m not sure she would wear clothes at all if it were socially acceptable.” Maddox smiled at Rafael. “She has a nice body though.” Jesse chuckled.

“I can’t believe it ended up being Skye Adderson!” Maddox scoffed, holding a tabloid magazine up to show Rafael. “You do know I know more details on that case than that magazine, right?” Rafael said rolling his eyes at her as she continued to read. “It’s perfect PR for Russo.” She said setting the magazine down. “What do you mean?” Rafael asked. “His new movie, Falsely Accused... Him being falsely accused... The press from this alone will sky rocket his career.” Maddox replied. “It’s odd you should say that. Liv seems to think that he and Madison set Adderson up.” Rafael said, looking up at her from his work. “It’s cruel but believable if she’s obsessed and he’s demented enough. Are they looking into that?” Maddox asked. “There’s no evidence and Skye already confessed... If they did, they got away with it.” Rafael sighed. “That’s shitty.” Maddox said as she picked up her laptop to get some actual work done.

“Here.” Rafael said the following weekend as he pushed a key into her palm. _A key?_ “What’s this?” She asked. “A key.” He stated. “No shit.” Maddox replied, rolling her eyes. “To my place, so you can come in if you beat me home instead of waiting around work until I text you that I’m here.” Rafael smirked. _Am I that transparent?_ “I don’t wait at work for you... I’m working.” She smiled. “Until eight, nine... every night?” He questioned, pulling her closer to him and lifting his brow. _I could be..._ “You’re giving me a key?” She asked, changing the subject. “I enjoy coming home to you.” Rafael smiled. “The girl with no home now feels like she has two.” Maddox said, pulling him down to her lips. “I knew I’d get sex out of this.” He teased. “Whatever, you were going to get laid anyway.” Maddox smiled as she pulled his shirt over his head.

Clothes littered their path to his bedroom as Maddox pulled him on top of her. “I want what you did that one day.” She said. “You’re going to have to be more specific than that.” Rafael smirked, lifting his eyebrow at her. “When you made me wait to orgasm until you said I could.” She smiled, looking up at him. “You’ll have to beg.” He hummed into her ear. “I’m fine with that.” Maddox breathed. “Look at me.” Rafael said as he slowly pushed into her. Maddox locked eyes with his, maintaining contact as he thrust. “Jesus, Rafael.” She moaned as she felt it starting to build. “Keep looking at me.” He breathed, gently using his hand to prevent her from turning her head. “Fuck, Raf...” Maddox panted as her back started to arch. “Not yet.” Rafael spoke, pulling her focus back to his eyes. “Can you... distract me...?” She managed to ask. “No.” He replied, forcing himself not to smile. _Is he trying not to smile? He does know his eyes crinkle and give him away, right? Yes do this... keep focusing on his face... fuck, never mind._ “Please!” She pleaded. “You can do better than that.” He said, increasing his pace. Maddox gripped his hair as she tried to keep her back from arching, her toes from curling... her eyes from pulling away from his. “Fuck... Please... Fuck... Raf... Please...” She begged, her eyes pleading with his. Rafael didn’t respond for a moment but instead enjoyed the desperation in her eyes. “Go ahead.” He breathed, bringing his lips to hers as he pushed towards his own release. “Fuck, that’s intense.” Maddox panted when she could speak again. “Good.” He chuckled into her shoulder. “I mean I don’t want to that every time but feel free to just take control and do it when the mood hits you.” She smiled.

“You used you’re key.” Rafael said putting his phone away. “I did. Were you about to text me?” She asked. “I was.” He smiled. “You literally text me when you walk in the door?” Maddox questioned. “Usually.” Rafael smirked. “That’s pretty cute.” She smiled. “You’re cute.” He hummed pulling her against his chest and kissing her. “How was your day?” She asked, pulling away to set a couple plates out for them. “It’s getting better. Did you cook?” He questioned as he watched her pull something out of the oven. “No. I picked up takeout from that restaurant you seem to take me to once a week. I was just keeping it warm until you got home.” Maddox smiled. “You know you’re amazing right?” He hummed wrapping his arms around her waist as she plated their food. “You said your day was getting better, that implies it wasn’t so great before you got home.” She said. “Amaro’s dad fractured his fiancés skull and the whole case is a mess.” Rafael huffed, following her to the table carrying his plate. “Amaro?” She inquired. “One of the detectives, Nick Amaro, you met him in the elevator that day you came by my office.” Rafael clarified. “Oh, he was the less chatty of the two pretty boys. The one with dark brown hair?” She asked as she sat in the chair adjacent to him. “Yes. You think they’re pretty?” Rafael questioned. _Is he jealous?_ “Don’t loose that arrogant confidence on me now.” She smirked, leaning over to kiss him.

“God I hate this case.” Rafael said as he dropped his briefcase down in a chair and sat next to Maddox who was curled up on his couch. “This is the one with that detective’s Dad?” She asked as she leaned into him. “Amaro, yeah.” Rafael huffed. “You’ve already had a scotch.” Maddox noted, the rich sent still lingering on his breath. “I stopped to have a drink with Amaro, to tell him he didn’t have to testify. It’s not going to do any good anyway, the jury loves his father.” Rafael sighed. “He might want to face him, for his own catharsis,” Maddox replied, squeezing herself behind him as she rubbed his neck, “Geez, you’re tense.” “It’s just this case... it could be my father up there, charming everyone... raising his fist in private.” Rafael scoffed. “I’m sorry.” She said, resting her chin on his shoulder. “For what?” He asked, relaxing slightly as he turned to look at her. “That your dad was an ass.” She replied, looking softly into his eyes. “That’s putting it mildly.” He huffed.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 16 episode 13  
> The dialogue with the detectives is straight from the show although I skipped some of it. I basically just put Maddox there as an observer... possibly because I wanted Barba in a tux... I really kind of like that scene.

“My god you look good in a tux.” Maddox smiled when he exited the bathroom. Her dark green gown had been tailored to fit, with a high neckline and ornate flower details down to her waist, an open back, and deep pleats down the flowing floor length skirt. “Not half as good as you look in that dress.” He smiled, lightly touching the soft curls framing her face. “I know, right?” She grinned, pushing herself up to his lips. “It’s almost a shame we have to go to this thing.” He sighed, his hand still pressed against the small of her back while he held her against him. “Just think of how worked up we’re going to be later, after watching each other all night.” She smiled as she pulled away to touch up her makeup in the bathroom. Rafael shook his head as he watched her, bringing his phone to his ear when it rang. “Barba. They what? Ok. Yeah, I’ll handle it.” “Are you ready?” Maddox asked when she came out of the bathroom. “We have to make a stop by SVU but yes.” He smiled.

Maddox followed him into the bullpen, standing back a bit as he approached the detectives. Fin, Carisi, and Nick looked up when they entered, glancing first at Rafael, then Maddox, then back to Rafael when he spoke. “Jerome Jones, he still here?” “We’re still waiting on the vic’s statement.” Fin replied. “What’s taking so long?” Rafael huffed. “The girl was intoxicated, her memories off.” Fin said. “We did find what might be semen on her sweater. We could put a rush on it.” Nick added. “On her sweater? That’s probable cause. If it’s not, then he’s extraordinarily lucky at DNA test. He has got ammunition for another false arrest and harassment lawsuit.” Rafael said as he started to move again. Maddox watched as he quickly made his way from the desk where she waited and out of sight, talking to the detective as he went. She considered sitting while she waited but hadn’t made up her mind when she heard his voice again. “Get him out of here... Politely.” Rafael said to the detectives when he came back into view, then turned to Maddox and took her hand as they left. “You’ve been so sweet lately, I forgot how sexy you are when you’re bossy.” She smirked. “You want me to be bossy later?” He asked lifting a brow. “Rule number two: I do what you say, when you say it.” She purred in his ear as he held the car door for her. “Jesus.” He chuckled as he followed her in.

“How long do you typically stay at these things?” Maddox asked as they waited at the bar for their drinks. “A couple hours tops.” He huffed. “You’re cute.” She said, smiling with her eyes. Rafael shook his head slightly as he took her hand, guiding her away from the bar, towards a table. “Who’s your date, Barba?” Cutter asked as they got closer. “This is my girlfriend, Maddox. Maddox, this is Michael Cutter, he’s a supervising ADA.” Rafael said, introducing them. _Girlfriend?_ “Yours?” She smirked as she shook the hand Cutter offered. “No. Cutter hasn’t been over special victims since... When were you over SVU?” He asked turning back to Cutter. “Not since 2012.” He replied. “Who is your boss?” Maddox asked. “Our boss is Jack McCoy.” Rafael said pointing to a man not too far from them.

Rafael was introducing her to the other people at the table when McCoy approached. “Did you get the Jerome Jones situation taken care of?” He asked. “They’re releasing him until they have something substantial.” Rafael replied, noticing McCoy glance at Maddox. “This is Maddox, my girlfriend.” Rafael added. “Jack McCoy.” McCoy said extending his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.” Maddox smiled, shaking his hand. “You too.” He replied, glancing at Rafael. “I’m going to get another drink before the speaker starts, do you want one?” Maddox asked turning to Rafael. “Yes, thanks.” He smiled, squeezing her hand slightly as she stepped away from him. “That’s your girlfriend?” McCoy questioned, cocking an eyebrow. “Yes.” Rafael smirked. “She’s never been a witness... not a detective... something else that I should be concerned about?” McCoy asked. “She works at a PR firm a block from the building I live in.” Rafael replied. “Thank goodness.” McCoy chuckled as he walked away.

“That wasn’t nearly as boring as I thought it would be.” Maddox smiled as she and Rafael stood once the speakers were finished. “They always get good speakers. No one would come if they didn’t.” He smirked as they made their way back to the bar. “Shit...” Maddox whispered as a man in his late fifties approached them. “Why is Senator Feldman coming over here?” Rafael asked. Maddox turned to say something but didn’t get a chance before Feldman spoke. “What are you doing here, Susan?” “It’s nice to see you too Arthur.” She snapped. “Don’t be cute.” Feldman huffed. _If he can use girlfriend..._ “I’m here with my boyfriend, Rafael Barba.” She said, reluctantly introducing him. “You and your mother’s affinity for older men.” He scoffed. Maddox didn’t say anything, just glanced at Rafael and then looked at the ground. “Make sure you use your own condoms.” Feldman advised turning to Rafael. “Excuse me?” Rafael huffed. “If you can’t bother to be civil, can you just pretend I’m not here?” Maddox hissed. “Shouldn’t be too hard,” Feldman said as he started to leave and then turned back to them, “Oh Susan, Paul’s around somewhere. Make sure you say hi, he always liked you for some reason.”

Maddox felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. _Fuck... Paul’s here..._ She knew she hadn’t moved but she couldn’t get herself together yet. _He’s going to notice... Just breath... Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale... Now smile and look at him... Pretend you’re fine._ “Maddox?” Rafael whispered, noticing her hand was clammy and she seemed to be intentionally breathing. She shook her head slightly and smiled softly at him. “I’m sorry.” “What was that?” He asked. “You just met the wonderful man who gave me life.” Maddox said sarcastically. “Senator Feldman is your father?” He clarified. “Biologically, but that man has never been a father... at least not to me.” She huffed. “When was the last time you saw him?” Rafael asked. “Ten years ago.” She replied, tugging his arm to get them moving toward the bar again.

“Do you want to dance?” Rafael asked as they set at the table. “Rafael Barba can dance?” She smirked. “I’m full of surprises.” He smiled as he stood and offered her his hand. “I’ve never actually done this.” Maddox said, hesitantly standing while taking his hand. “Danced?” He questioned, biting back a chuckle. “Don’t make fun. I never went to a school dance and it’s not like my mother enrolled me in tap.” She huffed. “Just follow my lead.” He smiled, pulling her to face him while putting his right hand on her waist and taking her hand in his left. She smiled as he almost effortlessly guided her around the dance floor. “Your father calls you Susan.” He said once she had established a comfortable footing. “I didn’t start going by Maddox until after I moved in with Molly.” She replied. “Are you ok with seeing him tonight?” He asked. _No_. “So it goes...” She sighed as she rested her head against his shoulder. He stopped asking about her father, having always interpreted the Vonnegut quote as meaning somethings couldn’t be controlled.

“What do you think, one last drink and then we get out of here?” Rafael asked guiding her toward the bar. “May as well take advantage of the open bar.” She smiled. “Little Susie Maddox.” Came a voice she was hoping to never have to hear again. _No... No, no, no, no, no..._ Maddox froze when she looked to her right and saw him smiling at her. Her mind went blank, she knew she was squeezing Rafael’s hand... she was honestly surprised she was still standing. “Are you ok?” Rafael whispered. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She forced a smile as he approached. “Paul, hi.” She said, barely getting the words out. “It’s been what... ten years?” Paul smiled, running his hand along her cheek. Rafael noticed her recoil slightly. “Something like that.” She replied, her gaze dropping to the ground. “You grew up so beautifully.” Paul breathed, reaching to touch her again. Rafael put his arm around her and pulled her protectively against him, stopping Pauls reach as his eyes connected with Rafael’s. “I guess I’ll be going. It was good to see you Susan.” Paul smiled and then left the two of them.

“Who was that?” Rafael asked. “Paul Owens, my fathers campaign manager.” Maddox said, cringing slightly. “How old is he?” Rafael questioned. “A few years younger than my father. Why?” She asked looking at him. _Stop thinking Rafael... Stop putting the pieces together..._ “And how old were you when you knew him?” Rafael continued. “Thirteen, fourteen.” She sighed. “And he would have been how old?” He asked. “I don’t know... in his forties I guess. You do the math.” She snapped, making her way to the coat check to get her things. “Maddox wait.” Rafael said as he followed her. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” She sighed, when he caught up with her in the hallway. “We can leave.” He said, taking her hand and guiding her to the coat check.

“Can you take me home?” She asked once they were in the car. “The apartment.” He questioned. “No. Can you take me to Molly’s. I need to talk to her.” Maddox sighed as she stared out the window. “Ok.” Rafael replied as he gave the driver her aunts address. “Shit.” She muttered. “What?” He questioned turning to her. “All of my pajamas are at your place.” Maddox said looking up at him. “I’ll go up and get whatever you need.” He offered, gently placing his hand on hers. _This isn’t his fault, ask him to stay._ “Rafael...” She whispered. “Yes.” He said. “Will you stay with me at Molly’s tonight? I need to talk to her but I really don’t want to sleep alone.” Maddox asked, her voice slightly shaky. “I’ll grab pajamas for both of us.” He smiled softly pulling her to lean into him.


	9. Chapter 9

“Did you tell him?” Molly asked as she and Maddox talked in her bedroom. “No.” Maddox sighed. “Honey, you have a beautiful man, I would say sitting except he has so much nervous energy he’s probably pacing, but either way he’s in your room waiting for you.” Molly said. “And once he finds out, everything will change.” Maddox huffed. “I doubt that. Nothing changed when you told Jesse.” Molly reminded her. “I wasn’t dating Jesse,” Maddox huffed, “it was also years later when I was becoming more experimental and we were setting limitations. It felt natural. This... this is forced and way too soon. He’s going to bail.” “Does he assume something happened?” Molly asked. “Of course he does. You should of seen me react to seeing Paul... and then Rafael’s questions... I shut down.” Maddox sighed. “You need to tell him. With the type of cases he deals with and the fact that he cares about you, he probably has you pimped out to all of Paul’s friend in his head by now. Go clear things up for him. Let the chips fall where they may. At least then it’s just the truth to deal with and not assumptions.” Molly suggested. “Fine.” Maddox sighed as she stood. “Maddox?” Molly called as she reached the door. “Yeah...” She replied. “You look really pretty.” Molly smiled. “I know. I kind of want to live in this dress.” Maddox grinned, as she pushed the skirt down with her hands. “Go talk to the man who bought it for you.” Molly smirked.

Rafael paced in her room as he waited, his jacket on the edge of her bed, the bow tie on her dresser, his mind was racing with different thoughts, each one worse than the last. “Stop.” He muttered to himself, shaking his head from the latest image that flashed across his mind. He was facing her nightstand when he paused, noticing a small framed picture that looked like Maddox holding a small child. He had just picked it up to look at it closer when Maddox entered the room. “Sorry that took so long.” She smiled, moving closer to him. “Are you... Do you...” He faltered on his words as he still held the picture. Maddox smiled and took the photo from him. “My mom and me. It’s the only picture I have of us from before you could see the physical effects of all the drugs.” “I thought it was you for a minute.” He said. “I look so much like her. Just another thing for my father to hate...” She sighed as she set the picture down. “Maddox...” Rafael started but stopped when she looked up at him. She smiled softly, pressing her hand to his cheek, lightly grazing it with her thumb before pushing herself up to his lips, pulling him tightly against her. He returned the kiss but softened it before pulling away, his arms still holding her. “I need to know your ok.” He sighed. “I know. I just wanted to feel that again.” Maddox said, her forehead on his chest. _Just in case..._ “You don’t have to tell me.” Rafael said. “Yes I do.” She replied, pulling him to lay next to her on the bed.

They were laying on their sides, facing each other, Maddox face level with his chest, not really wanting to look at him while she spoke. “The courts didn’t exactly give my father a choice when they moved me out of foster care to live with him. The system was over crowded and he was blood and financially capable of supporting me. He and Rebecca gave me a room, put me in school with their kids, and made sure I was fed... that’s about it though. I was twelve at the time and all I could think was how I wished I was back with Frank and Gina, my fosters. Sure their house was crowded and I shared a room with three other girls but at least they cared, asked me how my day went, took me to the library to check out books. My fathers family barely spoke to me. Rebecca could barely look at me, like it was my fault Arthur cheated on her with my mom and I was conceived. They ate dinner as a family every night. I sat at the table, never speaking, just listening as they talked with their kids, Tanner and Sydney, about their day. I may as well have not been there at all. I got to see Molly but that was only once a month or so. It wasn’t that they cared if I saw her, I just never had a way to get there. It was like that for a year I guess and then Paul started coming around more. My father was up for election and they always seemed to be working on something. Paul was always nice to me. He’d ask me how school was going, about the book I was reading... We started having actual conversations. This went on for over a year, I considered him a sort of surrogate father. When they’d work late he’d stop by my room to say goodbye, sometimes he’d come in and chat a bit... I was sooo stupid...” Maddox whispered, fighting back tears. “You were barely a teenager.” Rafael said, running his hand through her hair.

Maddox cleared her throat and wiped her eyes before continuing. “Yes, but my mom was so paranoid that her life choices were going to cause something bad to happen to me that she constantly told me to watch out for men who were overly nice. The ones that let their hands linger on my shoulder too long... took little opportunities to touch my thigh or neck... I ignored those signs with Paul, he was like a dad to me, not some junkie my mom was getting her latest fix from. I wasn’t even convince she knew what she was talking about. None of the men she took me around even gave me a second glance, I thought the drugs had just made her paranoid. But she wasn’t paranoid... One night I was sitting on my bed reading. It was late, I should have been asleep, I guess he saw that my light was still on and knocked on my door. I let him in and he shut the door. I didn’t think anything of it. I thought he’d check up on me and leave like always, but he didn’t. He pushed my hair out of my face and leaned toward me. I remember asking him what he was doing but he just told me I was beautiful and kiss me. I tried to pushed him off me but he was so much stronger than me. When he started to remove my shorts I panicked. I kicked, screamed... I tried to get away but he pinned me down and did what he wanted. It hurt, everything about it hurt. I screamed as loud as I could, hoping that someone would hear, someone would make him stop. He didn’t even stop me, like he knew no one would care. I saw my bedroom door open and Arthur standing there. I screamed for him to help me to make Paul stop but he just looked at me with disgust and shut the door. I stopped screaming... stopped fighting... no one was coming to save me. I just laid there and cried while he finished. When he was done, he put his hand on my cheek and told me that the next time would be better for me.”

Maddox shuddered and pushed her face into Rafael’s chest. He didn’t say anything just held her as she continued. “Once he left I took a shower. I stayed there until Arthur yelled through the door for me to get out. I couldn’t make eye contact when I passed him as I went back to my room. Some fucking father. I couldn’t bare to sleep in my bed so I curled up in a ball on the floor and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, when I went down stairs for breakfast, Rebecca muttered, like mother like daughter, under her breath and I just remember feeling so small. I sat silently, picking at my food while they ate. Then they went out, I honestly don’t know where they went, I didn’t care. I was just glad they were gone. I went to my room and packed my clothes into a bag and left. I didn’t have any money for a cab or the subway so I walked from the upper west side to the Molly’s apartment in Tribeca and waited in the hallway until she got home. I told her everything. We talked about going to the police but the idea of having my father deny what he saw and call me a liar was more than I could handle at fourteen, so she took me to a therapist instead. I slept on the couch in her tiny efficiency and continued to go to the school my father had paid for until she bought the brownstone. Once Molly had a room for me she went to Arthur to transfer guardianship so she could enroll me in a school that was closer. I had everyone call me Maddox when I started the new school. I wanted to be a new person with a new life. In a way I got that. Molly’s been the most stable person in my life and it has only improved in the last ten years. I don’t go to therapy regularly anymore but I still go if I need a session.” “Will you make one now?” Rafael asked. “I will. I’m sorry to dump all this on you so soon. I panicked when I saw him.” Maddox sighed. “Is this the first time you’ve talked to either of them since it happened?” He asked. “Yes.” Maddox nodded.

Rafael sighed as he shifted to his back and pulled Maddox so that her head rested on his chest wrapping his arm around her. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “Nothing.” He said but it wasn’t exactly convincing. _He must think I’m royally fucked up. Give him an out... Let him go... He deserves better._ “You don’t have to stay... if this is too much...” She whispered, fighting with everything she had not to cry. “It’s not that. I want to be here. To be with you. I just keep thinking about how I talked to you that night you showed up at my door. I shouldn’t have...” Rafael started but Maddox interrupted. “Don’t do that, don’t let what he did impact what we’ve done. They’re not the same.” “I know but...” He started again. “No. I liked it. I wouldn’t have stayed if I hadn’t. It was a game, one I’d like to play again. Please don’t let him ruin that.” Maddox said shifting so she could look at him. “Ok.” Rafael nodded. “It’s been ten years. I’ve moved past it. I just didn’t expect to see them tonight.” She assured him. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but I actually wish you were just one year younger.” Rafael said. “Why?” She asked. “I would eviscerate them both in open court.” He huffed. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I just want to live my life.” Maddox said. “I could have the detectives look into Paul. People like that usually have done this more than once.” He stated. “Rafael, can you be my boyfriend and not a prosecutor right now.” She smiled. “I can.” He smirked as she pulled herself up to kiss him before returned her head to his chest. They stayed like that in silence for a bit, Rafael running his fingers through her hair, Maddox tracing shapes on his chest. When he noticed she had fallen asleep he pulled his jacket over her exposed back and arms, and closed his own eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode reference: Season 16 Episode 13

“Well this was a bad idea.” Maddox groaned when they woke up. “What was?” Rafael asked. “Falling asleep in our clothes.” She smiled as she sat up. “Yes, yes it was.” He grumbled sitting up with her. “Raf, do you mind?” Maddox asked turning her back to him and pulling her hair aside so he could unhook the clasp at the back of her neck. “Sooo not how I wanted to watch that dress come off you.” He said, smirking when she looked over her shoulder at him as she changed into the pajamas he had picked up for her. It was an attempt to move things past last night and she was thankful for it. “Put your pj’s on.” She smiled, tossing them at him. Rafael quickly changed and followed her into the Jack and Jill restroom that connected her room to a guest room, bringing his toothbrush with him.

“It feels like forever since I last slept here.” Maddox noted as they walked back through her room to go downstairs. “We can sleep here sometimes if you want.” Rafael offered, taking her hand. “We?” She smirked. “I’ve grown rather fond of sleeping next to you.” He smiled, stopping them for a moment and pulling her to his lips. _He does that so well..._ “What was that for?” She breathed, her arms wrapped around his neck, fingers pushed into his hair. “I just wanted to feel that again.” He said, resting his forehead on hers. “Does it feel like the whole world disappears and it’s just the two of us for you too?” Maddox whispered. “Every time.” Rafael smiled, pushing her hair behind her ear. “Still?” She asked softly, her eyes meeting his. “Still.” He assured her, pressing his lips against hers again.

“Morning Molly.” Maddox smiled as they entered the kitchen. “Morning.” Molly yawned turning her attention to the coffee maker. “What do you have for breakfast?” Maddox asked Molly. “I just went shopping so pretty much the same things we always have.” Molly smiled. “Can we make Chocolate chip pancakes?” Maddox grinned. Molly nodded. “Chocolate chip pancakes?” Rafael questioned as he watched Maddox pull a boxed pancake mix and chocolate chips out of a cabinet. “If she can put chocolate on it she will.” Molly laughed. “We can make some without if you want. I don’t put the chocolate chips in until I’m cooking them.” Maddox smiled, dumping the mix into a bowl. “Do you put syrup on top?” He questioned. “No,” Maddox made a face, “powdered sugar.” “Do you have syrup?” He asked looking to Molly. “We do.” Molly smiled. “I’ll do without the chocolate.” Rafael said, sitting next to Molly at the counter.

Molly got up when the coffee maker beeped. “Do you need cream or sugar for your coffee?” She asked Rafael as she got down three mugs. “No, blacks fine.” He replied. “One or two scoops Maddox?” Molly asked as she handed Rafael one of the mugs. “One, since there’s chocolate in the pancakes.” Maddox replied, pouring batter in a pan. “Are you putting cocoa in your coffee?” Rafael asked as he watch Molly put a scoop in each of the two remaining mugs. “The chocolate influence may or may not have come from me.” Molly smirked. “Did you two do this every morning?” He asked. “Only on the weekends. My workday starts at six so there’s no time during the week. The trade off is I’m usually home by four” Molly replied. “She was pretty much always here when I got home from school. It was fantastic. We’d talk or go shopping, a museum, do different touristy things.” Maddox grinned. “You had to see the city you lived in sometime.” Molly smiled. “Hey Molly can you take over for a minute? I’m going to run to the restroom.” Maddox said. Molly nodded and made her way to the stove. “Maddox is level headed and rational. She’ll make an appointment with Dr. Patterson and work through this. Most likely without ever letting you know she’s struggling at times.” Molly said once Maddox was out of earshot. “Isn’t it healthier to lean on the people around you when you’re struggling?” Rafael questioned. “Probably, but Maddox has been taking care of herself since she could walk. Her mom...” Molly exhaled as she paused, “Maddox has never really had the luxury of depending on others. The only reason Megan is alive is because Maddox was smart enough to call for help and flip her over so she didn’t choke on her own vomit. She never really got to be a child, her mother selfishly took that from her and as much as I wish things had been different for her, it made her incredibly strong. Maddox doesn’t dwell on the past, she looks forward. She’s always looking forward.” “Who’s always looking forward?” Maddox asked as she reentered the kitchen. “You.” Molly replied. “Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.” Maddox smiled. “Who’s that?” Rafael asked. “David Sedaris.” Maddox replied giving him a peck on the cheek as she made her way to help Molly.

Rafael had been quiet on the car ride back to his apartment. _I told you not to get attached..._ “Do you want me to go back to Molly’s for a bit. Give you some space?” Maddox asked when he still hadn’t said much as they entered his apartment. “No, I don’t want you to leave.” He sighed. “Then what is it?” She questioned. Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose and guided her to the couch. “I’m going to inquire about one last thing and then I promise I’ll let it go. Ok?” “Ok.” She nodded. “Does Jesse know?” Rafael asked. “Just that I was raped, I didn’t go into the details.” Maddox sighed. “He still agreed to teach you things?” He questioned. “He didn’t know when it started. I only told him a year or so ago when we were discussing new things I wanted to try. I needed him to know that if I said I didn’t want to do something that I meant it.” She replied. “You needed control.” He stated. “I didn’t want to associate sex with what happened to me and I made a mistake with James. He loved me... he kept saying it over and over and when I couldn’t say it back... You should have seen his face. I knew I never wanted to hurt someone like that again. So yes, I wanted something controlled.” Maddox said. “What about me?” He asked. “You’d never do anything I wasn’t ok with.” She smiled, resting her hand on his cheek. “No. If one day I were to say I love you would you be able to say it back?” Rafael questioned. “God I hope so, because if I can’t love you then I really am completely fucked up.” Maddox blurted, covering her mouth almost immediately afterwards. The more comfortable she became with him the more the thoughts in her head were... well, less in her head. “Good to know.” He chuckled before pressing his lips to hers.

Maddox pulled him up with her as she stood and guided him toward his room. “Maddox...” Rafael breathed between kisses. “Shhh.” Maddox smiled, gently backing him toward the bed. “Are you...” Maddox put her finger to his lips before he could say anything else. “Just kiss me. If it leads to more let it, but don’t over think it.” Maddox hummed, pulling him down on top of her. They made out. Only the thin material of their pajamas separating them. Then the pajamas were gone. Their breathing become more labored as their hands pressed against the other. Rafael slowly eased into her, their lips barely parting. Maddox moaned against his lips as he began to thrust faster. Her back arched, toes curled, her hand gripped in his hair as she came followed shortly by Rafael’s release. “And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It’s good for you.” She panted. “How many Vonnegut quotes do you have memorized?” Rafael chuckled against her shoulder. “Probably more than I should but he keeps me laughing.” Maddox smiled. “Are you ok?” He asked. “As long as our relationship, this, doesn’t change.” She replied, running her hand through his hair.

As the next week passed things went back to normal. Maddox let herself in after work, usually picking something up for them to eat as the case Rafael was working had been keeping him late most nights. “Hey.” Rafael smiled as he entered the apartment. “Hey to you too.” Maddox smiled back, setting her laptop down. “What do you want for dinner?” He asked as he removed his tie. “I ordered Chinese when you texted you were leaving.” She replied. “You’re kind of the best.” He smirked as he went to his room to change out of his work clothes. “Is this your case?” Maddox asked, holding up a copy of the New York Ledger when he returned. “Unfortunately.” Rafael huffed. “Why didn’t you tell me it ended up not being Jerome Jones?” She asked. “It just hit a little too close to home, you know.” He said pulling her against him. “How’s the girl?” Maddox inquired. “A mess. Her whole life’s been turned upside down.” He sighed. “What’s going to happen to her dad?” She asked. “He didn’t intend to kill Jerome so if Jenna will cooperate I’ll work out a plea deal.” Rafael replied. “Good.” She stated. “You know, they could do something similar with you and get others to come forward.” He said. “No. If someone comes forward they can do what they need to do but I want no part in it. That Dr. Alexander guy only thinks he has clout, Arthur Feldman has political consultants, PAC funding, lobbyist who want to keep him in office... The two of them have done enough damage, I won’t have them go after you too.” Maddox replied. “Me?” He questioned. “You really think they wouldn’t go after everything you’ve spend your career building if I were to bring something up now? They met you, know were together, and don’t exactly play by the rules. Let it go.” Maddox sighed. “It just bothers me that neither of them are behind bars.” Rafael huffed. “I know.” She smiled, pushing up to kiss him.


	11. Chapter 11

“How’s your work load?” Maddox texted Rafael around ten that morning. “Light actually.” He sent back. “I have a dentist appointment at eleven and works slow so if you wanted to grab lunch, maybe play hooky the rest of the day...” She texted. “Swing by whenever. I’ll text if something comes up.” Rafael replied. Maddox smiled and pulled her book out as she waited for the train. “Good book?” A voice said from behind her. “Jesus, Jesse! You scared the shit out of me.” Maddox scolded, hitting him with her book as he laughed. “You’re so jumpy. I though Raf was taking care of that.” He smiled, lifting his eyebrows a couple times. “He is. I’m actually meeting him for lunch after my dentist appointment. Do you want to join us? I can text you when I know where we’re going.” She offered. “I’m pretty sure sharing you was a one time thing for him.” Jesse smirked. “I really meant lunch, asshat.” Maddox said hitting him again. “I know,” he chuckled, “I would but I have back to back classes starting at noon.” “Another time then.” She suggested. “Definitely, tell Raf I said hi.” He said as her train pulled up. “I will.” She smiled.

Rafael’s blinds were open when she approached and she could see him talking with the lady she had been introduced to as Liv the last time she was there and a blond she hadn’t seen before. “Maddox, right?” Carmen asked as she approached. “Yes, Rafael said you’re Carmen?” Maddox questioned, wanting to make sure she had her name correct. “I am. I’ll let him know you’re here.” Carmen said. “It can wait until they’re finished. I’m not in any rush.” Maddox stated. “Mr. Barba told me let him know when you arrived.” Carmen replied, making her way to his door. Rafael smiled at Maddox through the window as Carmen told him she was there, causing both women to look her direction. Maddox smiled and held up her book as she made her way to a chair to read while she waited.

“Did you two need anything else?” Rafael asked as he started straightening the things on his desk. “No, I guess that’s it. Can you think of anything else, Amanda?” Liv asked turning to Rollins. “Who’s the girl Barba?” Rollins questioned, pulling her eyes from Maddox to look at him. “Maddox.” He replied, still busy at his desk. “She the same one Nick, Carisi, and Fin were talking about you bringing by the precinct when you were all dressed up a few weeks ago?” Rollins asked. “It’s nice to know you guys talk about me.” He huffed as he looked for something under some papers. “How old is she?” Liv asked, looking rather seriously at Rafael. “Twenty four.” He replied dismissively as he found the sticky note he was looking for and stuck it on top of a stack of files. “Barba...” Liv said in a tone that caused him to look at her. “I didn’t know she was twenty four when it started.” He smirked. “You just hoped she looked really good for her age?” Liv chided. “I’m not forcing her to date me.” He replied flatly. Liv held up her arms and made a face as if to say she’d drop it. “She’s pretty.” Rollins noted. “What? You don’t think I can get pretty?” Rafael deadpanned, looking at her as he put on his jacket. “I didn’t say that.” Rollins smiled.

“Maddox, this is Sargent Olivia Benson and Detective Amanda Rollins.” Rafael said, officially introducing them. “It’s nice to meet you.” Maddox smiled as she stood. “Does Maddox have a last name?” Liv asked. “Maddox is my last name, my first name is Susan.” Maddox said. “Please tell me you call him Barba.” Rollins quipped. “She calls me Rafael.” He huffed. “How did you two meet?” Liv asked. “We have a mutual friend.” Maddox replied, smiling as she glanced at Rafael. “Barba has friends?” Rollins teased. “Oh speaking of, Jesse says hi.” Maddox said. “When did you see Jesse?” Rafael asked. “I ran into him at my subway stop this morning. I invited him to join us for lunch but he has class this afternoon.” She replied. “Your mutual friend is in school?” Liv questioned, raising a brow. “Jesse’s a art professor at NYU.” Maddox clarified. “Yours?” Rollins asked. “I consider him a mentor but I never took his class.” Maddox replied. “And how do you know him?” Rollins asked turning to Rafael. “From a summer mentor program I worked at my mom’s school while in college.” Rafael answered. “You’re her mentors, mentor?” Rollins chuckled. “Don’t you have a case you should be working on?” Rafael replied, rolling his eyes. “Yes, we do.” Liv said, almost pulling Rollins with her as she left.

“Now the blond one is nosy.” Maddox chuckled once they were out of ear shot. “The blond one?” He smirked. “I’m really bad with names. I’m surprise I remembered the brunettes name is Liv. I will get them eventually if I see them enough but it usually takes a while.” Maddox shrugged. “You remembered my name without me reminding you.” He smiled, moving closer to her. “You were memorable.” She smirked. “You took the rest of the day off?” Rafael whispered. “I did, can you?” She asked. “I can.” He smiled. “You think they’re still waiting on an elevator?” She teased, knowing he was waiting for them to leave to avoid more questions. “It’s probably safe.” He smirked, taking her hand as they walked.

“What did you want to do with our rare afternoon off.” Rafael asked after they had eaten lunch. “Do you mind if we stop by the library for a minute?” Maddox asked. “I guess not. What do you need at the library?” He questioned. “A new book.” She smile, taking his hand and guiding him the few blocks to the library’s main branch. “I never come in here.” He said as they climbed the steps. “Really? This is my favorite place in the city.” Maddox said, dragging him faster up the stairs. “Your favorite place?” He inquired. “Yes. During the summers, when school was out I spent my days here. My mom worked as a waitress at a diner on forty third and couldn’t afford day care or a sitter. It’s so big no one really noticed me. I never talked to anyone, just found a book and a corner and read.” She said, dropping the book she had pulled out of her bag in the return. “How old were you?” He asked. “I really don’t know when it started. I’d guess from the age of five until I was forced to live with my father. Although with Frank and Gina, I would only get to come to check out books once a week and one of them would always come with me.” Maddox replied. 

“How did no one notice a five year old reading by themselves everyday...” He mostly muttered to himself. “I’ll show you.” Maddox smiled, dragging him toward the children’s section. “I always walked with a purpose, like I knew exactly where I was going. Most people just assumed I was making my way back to an adult. Even in the children’s section, I was short enough to not be seen over the shelves. I’d find a book and then made my way to the stacks.” She took his hand and walked them towards the stairs. Once they were in the stacks she guided him further, past shelves and shelves until they got to a section where the floor bounced a little and you could hear their steps as they made their way deeper. “Where are we going?” Rafael asked. “You hear us right?” She questioned. “It’s kind of hard not to.” He replied. “Try to walk and not be heard.” Maddox said. Rafael humored her and tried to walk quietly but it didn’t matter what he did, you could still hear the floor squeak as it gave a bit beneath them. “I don’t think that’s possible.” He said, walking normally again. “I know. You can hear if anyone is coming back here. No matter how engrossed I was in a book, this floor was my warning to move so that no one would see me. That being said, hardly anyone ever came back here.” Maddox smiled, turning him down a row of shelves. 

“This,” she said pointing at a small area projecting from the building with a single window, “is my favorite spot in the city.” The space was small but even as an adult she could sit, leaning on one wall, and not be seen unless you were standing right in front of her. “This is your favorite spot in the city.” Rafael questioned. “For me, thousands of adventures took place right here. I learned how people can change and grow with Mary Lennox, went searching for gold with Tom Sawyer, Matilda... Ronald Dahl could have written that book about me... As I got older I began to enjoy the satirical writings of Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Sedaris. All of that happened here.” Maddox said. “How old were you when you first read Vonnegut?” He asked. “Nine, Cats Cradle, but I didn’t really get the humor until I reread it at thirteen.” She smiled. “When did you read Tom Sawyer?” He questioned. “Six or seven, I’m not exactly sure. I read so much then that those years are a blur.” She said turning to look at him. “Your teachers must have loved you.” He smiled. “They did. I was quiet, never got in trouble, and could read and comprehend above grade level. That’s the one thing I’ll give my mom a lot of credit for, she taught me to read. We never had a tv and moved so much that the only possessions we had were what we could carry. Library books are portable and free, they were our main form of entertainment. I was reading chapter books before kindergarten, that poor teacher tried to challenge me and after a month had me moved to first grade.” Maddox said as she started to guide him back out of the stacks.

Rafael watched her scan a shelf looking for the book she wanted. “How were your grades when you were in high school?” He inquired. “Good.” She replied. “Good?” He repeated, smirking at her vague answer. “I graduated top of my class.” She said dismissively, pulling the book she wanted off the shelf. “You’re reading Malcolm Gladwell?” He asked, noticing the cover. “I enjoyed Outliers and The Tipping Point so I thought I’d read David and Goliath.” Maddox replied as she flipped to the contents page. “I didn’t know you read nonfiction too.” Rafael stated. “Eric Schlosser, Jon Ronson, Jon Krakauer... I actually prefer nonfiction most days.” She said, taking her choice towards the check out counter. “What was your ranking?” He inquired. “My ranking?” She questioned. “When you graduated, what was your ranking? Top ten?” He clarified his question. “I was valedictorian.” Maddox replied handing the lady behind the counter the book and her library card. “You were?” He paused. “Yeah but I had an unfair advantage. The classes I took at the school my father sent me to bumped my GPA and put me ahead and I received college credits for half of the classes I took my senior year.” She said as they left. “You must have had one hell of an admissions essay.” Rafael stated. “I got in everywhere I applied.” She smiled. “Which were?” He inquired. “NYU, Columbia, Cornell, School of the Art Institute of Chicago, and Yale.” Maddox replied. “You got into three Ivy League schools and chose to go to NYU?” He asked. “The irony of irony’s, my father transferred guardianship to Molly but didn’t revoke his parental rights completely. Between both of their incomes I didn’t qualify for financial aid or a hardship scholarship and there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to my father for money. I received some scholarships and decided to go somewhere I could continue to live with Molly to save money. After touring both schools I just kind of liked NYU better than Columbia, no other reason than that.” She said. “What was your first choice?” He questioned, taking her hand as they walked down the street. “It doesn’t matter, I’m happy with how things worked out.” She smiled. 

“So now what?” Rafael asked. “You show me your favorite spot.” Maddox smiled. “I don’t have a favorite place.” He stated. “Sure you do. It’s the place that holds the fondest memories for you. The place that reminds you of someone or inspires you to be the person you are.” She replied. Rafael gave her a look insinuating she was slightly crazy. “Just humor me and think.” Maddox smiled. “Fine.” He said, rolling his eyes. “The Empire State Building.” He said after some thought. “Really, of all the places in the city that’s what you can up with?” She questioned. “And I’m sticking with it.” He smiled. “Alright, then lets go.” She said taking his hand. “Oh, you were serious about going?” He asked as he followed her. “Yes and we’re really close so it kind of perfect.” She relied. “It’s not like you haven’t been there before.” He sighed. “I haven’t been there with you.” She smiled.

“When was the last time you were up here?” Maddox asked as they looked off the observation deck. “It’s been years.” Rafael replied, wrapping his arms around her. “So why is this your favorite place in the city?” She inquired. “When I was little and my father was in a mood, mami would drop me off at my abuelita’s and more often than not she would bring me here.” He said. “Mommy?” Maddox teased. “It has a different connotation in the Spanish culture.” Rafael smirked. “I’m only teasing.” She smiled. “My abuelita would bring me up here and tell me about how much the city had to offer. About how my mom was the first in our family to go to college to become a teacher, because at the time she was. She later went back to school to become a principal and runs that school now. Abuelita would also tell me that if I was going to get in trouble for mouthing off, I may as well study hard so that I could at least benefit from it. She’s the reason I became a lawyer, went to Harvard... the reason I am who I am. A lot of those conversations happened right here, with her pointing toward the building I currently work.” He said. “And here I thought you just picked a random place to appease me.” Maddox smiled, turning her body to face him. “I’ve never really thought about it, but I loved coming here with my abuelita and the experience helped shape who I am.” Rafael stated, leaning down to kiss her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 16 Episode 15

“You worked late.” Rafael noted when Maddox entered his apartment around nine thirty that Friday. “Yeah, I’ll probably be up there this weekend too. We have a big project that the higher ups set an arbitrary deadline of next Wednesday. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kevin this stressed.” She replied as she sat next to him on the couch. Rafael sat down his book and pushed her hair off her shoulder when she leaned against him. “And how stressed are you?” He hummed, running his fingers lightly across her neck. Maddox turned her head to look at him while reaching her hand into his hair. “Pretty stressed.” She replied, fighting back a smile. “You want a little help with that?” He asked reaching his arms around her to unfastening her pants. “Always.” She breathed as she watched his hand disappear into her pants, feeling his fingers lightly graze her. Their lips met when she turned to face him again. Maddox pressed her lips harder against his when a finger slipped inside her. “Don’t be gentle.” She hummed as she made eye contact with him. “If that’s what you want.” Rafael said, smirking as she jerked and dug her fingers into his leg when he curled the fingers he had inside her, his thumb circling her clit.

Rafael unbuttoned her dress shirt with his free hand while Maddox wriggled at the movement of his other. “Take your shirt off.” He demanded, once he had all the buttons undone. _He’s kind of perfect._ Maddox thought, pulling herself up slightly to do what he asked, the task made more difficult by the unrelenting hand between her legs. “The bra too.” Rafael ordered when she started to lean against him again. Maddox reached a hand behind her to unclasp it before pulling it off her arms and dropping it to the floor. He pressed his lips to hers, muffling her gasp when his free hand tweaked her nipple. “Fuck, Raf...” She panted, pulling away from his lips and pressing her face into his neck as her body bucked. “On your knees.” He ordered, barely letting her finish before he pushed her over an armrest. _God, I love him..._ She thought when he yanked her pants and underwear to her knees and pushed inside her. “Fuck.” She moaned as he pounded into her. Maddox pressed her face into the armrest and pushed back against him as she felt her release flooding through her. “You can come, but I’m not stopping.” Rafael grunted as he gripped her hair close to the scalp and tugged her head back. “My god.” Maddox panted, buckling against him. Maddox didn’t think it was possible but Rafael started thrusting even harder into her. “Fuck.” She moaned as she tried but failed to pull her head down. Her insides were keenly aware as each inch moved in and out of her when he pulled her back and pushed her torso against the couch cushion. Gravity seemed to be helping him plow into her, her moans muffled by the cushion. He felt her tighten around him as her body began jerking again before he came himself and collapsed on top of her.

Rafael pushed the hair that was plastered to the side of her face behind her ear as he laid on her, still throbbing inside her. “Better?” He asked, still breathing heavy. “Much.” Maddox panted. _I really love the feel of him next to me... on me... in me... love... stop thinking that Maddox... I just mean I love the things he does... my god, the things he does..._ “Maddox?” Rafael said pulling her from her thoughts. “Yes.” She replied. “I asked if you wanted to shower before bed.” He said giving her a curious look. “We can take a shower but I still have some work to do before bed.” She smiled taking his hand to help her sit up. “Where’d you go just now?” He asked. “Nowhere, I was just thinking about how much I like the feel of you.” She smiled, running her hand across his cheek before pressing her lips to his. “The feel of me?” He smirked. “When you’re laying next to me or your weight as it presses against me... inside me.” Maddox breathed, kissing him again. “I’m going to get a workout between now and Wednesday.” Rafael chuckled. “You’ll enjoy it.” She smirked.

“How’d the project you were working on last week go?” Jesse asked as he handed her and Rafael a drink. “It went really well. Thanks again for your help.” Maddox replied. “I didn’t know Jesse helped you.” Rafael said. “Yeah, something didn’t seem right about my original layout so I emailed it to him to look at.” Maddox smiled. “Did you get the perspective fixed?” Jesse asked. “I did.” She smiled. “You know one of the nice things about you and Maddox being together is that she can manage to drag you out every now and then.” Jesse said to Rafael. “I got out before.” Rafael argued. “We’d meet for lunch or a drink but you never came to any of my parties anymore. If you had, the two of you might have met sooner.” Jesse chuckled. “I actually kind of liked that she just appeared at my door one night.” Rafael smirked.

Maddox introduced Rafael to a few the people she knew and then they found a place to sit on a couch. Jesse popped by a few times as he circulated but only stayed for a few minutes each time. “Who are we rooting for?” Rafael asked. “I don’t even know whose playing.” Maddox replied. “You wanted to come to a party to watch the Super Bowl but you don’t know whose playing?” He questioned looking at her curiously. “I really don’t like sports, I just enjoy watching the commercials.” She smiled leaning into his side a bit more since his arm was around her. “Aren’t games more fun if you pick a team you want to win?” He questioned. “I wasn’t exactly planning on staying for the whole game.” She hummed, pulling herself to his lips. “So it really wont matter who wins.” Rafael said between kisses. “Nope.” She chuckled pulling back to find James staring down at her. “James, hi.” She stammered. “Maddox.” He replied, glancing between her and Rafael. “This is Rafael, Rafael this is James.” Maddox said, introducing them since she really didn’t know what else to say. “Ok.” James shrugged. _Still hates me..._ “Ok...” Maddox sighed. Rafael watched as the young man walked away from them, a slight twinge of jealousy hitting having not expected him to be as attractive as he was.

Rafael opened his mouth to speak when he felt his phone vibrate and instead closed hismouth and breathed a puff of air out his nose. Maddox bit back a smile at his reaction to getting a phone call she was sure would be work related. “Barba. Yes. You what? Ok. Yeah, I’ll get there when I can.” He sighed, hanging up the phone. “Work?” Maddox asked. “Always. You can stay if you want or come with, it’s up to you.” Rafael offered. “I’ll go with you. The games halfway over now and I wasn’t really planning on us staying for the whole thing anyway.” She smiled. “You just want to get me home faster.” He smirked as he stood. “Am I that transparent?” Maddox teased, taking Rafael’s hand when he offered it. “We’re not that far do you want to walk?” He asked. “You don’t need to get there quickly?” She questioned. “They aren’t going to let anyone go before I get there.” Rafael smiled as they went to find Jesse to say goodbye.

“That was James?” He asked once they were a block from Jesse’s. “Yep, and he still hates me.” Maddox muttered. “You dated him, correct?” Rafael inquired. “For a few months.” She sighed looking up at him. “And you still see each other?” He questioned. “I haven’t seen him since he told me to leave when I couldn’t say what he wanted to hear. He went to NYU but he wasn’t an art major so once he stopped talking to me I really never saw him again.” She said. “You seem a little sad.” Rafael noted, looking at her. “He was my best friend... I just didn’t feel the same way he did.” Maddox replied. “Did you date in high school?” He asked. “No, our freshman year of college.” She answered. “So you’re the same age?” Rafael questioned. “He would be twenty six now I guess. His birthday is in September so he was already eighteen when we graduated. My birthday isn’t until July and I skipped kindergarten so I was still sixteen.” Maddox said. “How old were you when you finished college?” He asked. “Twenty.” She smiled. “How long have you known Jesse?” He questioned. “I’ve known him since I was nineteen but we didn’t do anything until after I graduated.” She replied. “I thought you said you went out with a guy from your class after you slept with Jesse.” He said. “I did but it wasn’t while we had class together, I ran into him at a bar maybe two years ago.” Maddox clarified.

“So you didn’t love him?” Rafael asked a few minutes later. “James?” Maddox questioned. “Yes.” He replied. “Not like that. We were friends, I miss him as a friend, but I screwed that up.” Maddox shrugged. “Some people just need more time to say how they feel. It really doesn’t sound like he gave you that.” Rafael said. “I didn’t need more time, I knew him better than anyone. I just didn’t love him. I knew that when it started but I faced loosing my best friend either way, he’s kind of an all or nothing type of person. I thought maybe the friendship could turn into more if I gave it a chance but for me it never did.” Maddox replied. “Were you his first?” Rafael inquired, knowing they were both fairly young when they dated. “No. I transferred to his school our junior year. He was dating Amber when we met and they continued to date through most of our senior year. We were all friends until she cheated on him and I took his side. She was his first. He thinks he was mine though...” She said, her voice starting to shake a bit. “Maddox, he was your first,” Rafael said pulling her to face him in the middle of the sidewalk, “the other doesn’t count. That wasn’t your choice.” Her eyes glistened as she looked up at him. _If you say so..._ “Ok.” She mumbled, pressing her face against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Can we talk about something else?” Maddox asked when they started walking again. “Anything.” He said, taking her hand in his. “What did they call you to the station for?” She inquired. “I don’t have all the details yet, just that they’ve made some arrest in a case they’ve been working. They’re trying to help a mom find her daughter whose being trafficked.” Rafael replied. “Will they find the girl?” Maddox asked. “I don’t know.” He answered. “That’s really sad.” She said. “Yes, it is...” He sighed. “I really don’t know how you deal with the cases you work.” Maddox replied, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Some days I don’t either.” He said, looking at her and slightly pushing his bottom lip up.

“Barba, great you’re here... and you brought Maddox...” Liv said when she noticed her walk into the bullpen behind him. “You interrupted our evening, did you want me to just leave her?” Rafael quipped. “No, of course not,” Liv replied as she glanced around the bullpen, “Nick, can Maddox hang out at your desk?” “Yeah.” He called, motioning for Maddox to come over. Maddox sat across from him and pulled her book out of her bag, letting the busy bullpen disappear as she started to read. “Must be a good book.” Nick said after things began to settle a bit. “I’m sorry?” Maddox questioned, looking at him over her book. She hadn’t even noticed a good hour had passed and Nick had gotten up multiple times to move people from holding to interrogation. “You just seem to be really into your book.” He restated. “It’s pretty good, but most books tend to pull me out of reality pretty easily.” Maddox smiled. “So you and Barba?” He questioned, furrowing his brow slightly. “Yes.” She nodded. “Aren’t you a little...” Nick trailed off as he thought of how to finish. “Young?” She asked, lifting her brow. “That too but I was thinking more along the lines of out of his league.” Nick chuckled. “I don’t think so.” Maddox said, not exactly finding him amusing. “I didn’t mean anything.” He said, backtracking on his comment. “Yes you did. I’m happy with Rafael and beyond that it really isn’t any of your business.” She huffed. “Relax, I was teasing. We like to pick on each other a bit here.” Nick said. Maddox looked Nick’s face over. “Sorry, I tend to get defensive when I don’t know someone very well.” She smiled. “You’ll have to explain to me how you ended up with Barba then, because that guy is the most sarcastic person I’ve met.” He chuckled again. “Really? I would have gone with demanding.” Maddox smiled. “That too.” He laughed.

“You two seem to be getting along.” Rafael said as he approached Maddox. “We’re just talking about you.” Maddox smirked. “Oh yeah? What about me?” Rafael inquired. “Just about how demanding you can be.” Nick replied still chuckling slightly. Rafael quickly cut his eyes to Maddox. “I merely mentioned that I would have gone with demanding to describe you when we first met.” She clarified. “Wait, is there more I should read into that?” Nick questioned, noticing Rafael’s face. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Maddox chuckled. “How long have you two been together?” Nick asked. “I’m going to let you take this one, since I got it wrong when Jesse asked.” Maddox said looking at Rafael. “A month and a half.” He said, answering Nicks question. “You’re starting from the beginning?” She asked. “Why wouldn’t he start at the beginning?” Nick questioned. “I’m starting from the day I kissed you.” Rafael smiled. “It was different after that.” Maddox chuckled. “You guys aren’t going to explain any of that are you?” Nick asked. “No.” They both replied. “Are you ready?” Rafael asked. “Since we got here.” Maddox smiled at him before standing to leave.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode reference: Seasob 16 Episode 16

“I’m kind of surprised you aren’t stuck in your office this weekend.” Maddox said when she got tired of reading. She was leaning against his chest as Rafael leaned on the armrest of his couch, both of them reading their respective books. “Johnny D’s been remanded to federal penitentiary pending trial. We’re building our case but it’s not being rushed through the system like most of them seem to be.” Rafael said, noting the page he was on before closing his book. “Does that mean you’ll be home all weekend?” She smiled. “I don’t plan to go back to work until Monday. What did you have in mind?” He smirked. “I was thinking we could get out for a bit, maybe go to a museum.” Maddox suggested. “Grab a late lunch.” He mused as he pushed her hair behind her ear when she turned to face him. Maddox had just pulled herself to his lips when his phone rang. “I’ll wait to change out of my pj’s until I know if you have to work.” She smiled as she got up, handing him his phone off the coffee table.

“Mami, hi.” Rafael smirked as Maddox smiled and hurried to go change. “Slow down mami. She’s where?” She could here him saying as she quickly put on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt. “Is everything alright?” Maddox asked when he rushed into his bedroom and started changing himself. “My abuelita is in the hospital. She’s fine, she fell or something... my mom wasn’t exactly clear on what happened.” Rafael fretted as he pulled on a sweater. “She’s the one who you spent a lot of time with as a child?” Maddox asked, pressing her hand against his cheek. “She is, grab your coat.” He smiled, taking her hand. “You want me to go with you?” She asked hesitantly following behind him. “Unless you don’t want to. I’d like for my three favorite women to meet.” He grinned. “They wont think I’m too young or something?” She questioned. “Please... my father was ten years older than my mom, not that that’s a stellar relationship to aspire to, and my abuelo had a good sixteen years on my abuelita.” He chuckled. “So this younger woman thing is a family trait.” She giggled.

“Rafi!” Lucia said, pulling him into a hug as they entered the hospital room. “Hi mami, where is she?” He asked noticing the empty bed. “They took her to check out her hip. I think they want to keep her a few days to do some physical therapy so she can get around a little better.” Lucia said, looking passed him as she noticed Maddox for the first time. “Mami this is my girlfriend Maddox, Maddox this is my mom, Lucia Barba.” Rafael smiled, introducing them. “You haven’t mentioned you were dating someone.” Lucia smiled moving toward Maddox. _He hasn’t_... “That’s because you get too excited and it’s new.” He chuckled. “Have you talked about babies?” Lucia asked. _That’s why_. Maddox chuckled internally. “In the two months we’ve been together, no babies haven’t come up yet.” Rafael huffed while rolling his eyes. “Do you want kids?” Lucia asked Maddox. _God no._ Maddox slightly panicked. “Mami!” Rafael scolded. “Fine, fine... What do you do?” She asked instead. “I work in advertising and PR.” Maddox replied. “And you like my son.” Lucia questioned eliciting another eye roll from Rafael. _I could quite possibly love your son..._ “Very much.” Maddox smiled. “Ok then.” Lucia smirked as they wheeled Catalina back into the room.

“I can walk.” Catalina huffed as the nurse helped her back into bed. “It’s a liability issue.” Rafael stated. “Rafi brought his girlfriend.” Lucia smirked. “You’re dating Rafi?” Catalina smiled looking at Maddox. “This is Maddox, Maddox this is Catalina, my abuelita.” He smiled. “She’s pretty.” Catalina noted, smiling when Maddox blushed as she waved. “She is.” He agreed. “I hate that she’s meeting me here.” Catalina huffed as she messed with her hair. “You’ll get over it.” Rafael smirked. “Did they say how long they are going to keep you here ma.” Lucia asked. “A few days to a week but I’m going to start fussing to go home after a few days.” Catalina smiled. “You’ll stay as long as the doctors want you to.” Rafael hummed, kissing the top of her head. “That’s what you think.” She huffed. “Your mami and grandmother are nice.” Maddox smiled when they got out of the hospital. “What do you want to eat?” He asked, ignoring the small poke she had made at his name for his mom. “You want to just pick up something and take it back to your place?” She suggested. “I thought you wanted to get out of the apartment?” He smirked. “I did but now I want to go cuddle with you.” Maddox smiled. “Cuddle?” He smirked. “Cuddle.” She grinned.

“I’m sorry my mom brought up kids. She does that and I have no way of stopping her.” He chuckled as they finished eating. “That’s ok... Do you want kids? I mean not necessarily with me but in general.” Maddox asked, wishing she could backtrack out of the question the moment it left her mouth. “I’ve never really pictured myself with kids. Work was always my priority and... I honestly feel like the time to have kids has come and gone for me.” Rafael said. “So you don’t want them.” She clarified. “No.” He sighed. It was the truth, he just hoped it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for her. “Thank god.” Maddox exhaled. “You don’t want kids?” He inquired. “After my childhood... no. It may be selfish but I just want to live my life and not have someone dependent on me.” She replied. “You’re still pretty young, you don’t think you’ll change your mind?” Rafael asked. “No. I don’t get excited when other people bring their kids around me or someone announces their pregnant... I didn’t even like other kids when I was one.” She smiled. “At least we have that out of the way.” He chuckled. “Whose going to break it to your mom.” She teased as he pulled her against him. “She’ll figure it out eventually.” He smiled, pressing his lips to hers.

“Do you want to go to a museum tomorrow?” Maddox panted as Rafael climbed on top of her. “We can.” He hummed as he kissed down her neck... chest... torso... “There’s an exhibit at the Met I really want to got to.” She breathed, her voice hitching when he tongued her. “Fuck, you’re talented.” She moaned as her back arched. The corners of his lips turned up at her comment and he slid his fingers into her, holding her hips tightly in place as she tried to jerk. “Fuck.” She moaned, gripping his hair as she buckled against him. “What time?” Rafael asked once he had kissed his way back to her lips. “What time what?” She asked her voice hitching again as he pushed into her. _He did that on purpose..._ “Do you want to go to the museum?” He smiled as he started to thrust. “Not too early, maybe noon.” She panted. “Ok.” He hummed, pressing his lips to hers again.

“Have you been home long?” Rafael asked as he entered the apartment. “Not too long. Kevin has a new project we started on today. He gave me a lot of creative freedom so I spent quite a bit of time up there working this evening.” Maddox smiled. “I brought food from my favorite Cuban restaurant since I was in the Bronx.” He said holding up a bag of food. “How’s your grandmother?” She asked, making her way to help him set the food out on the table. “Stubborn. I tried to talk some sense into her. She can barely get around anymore, it’s not safe for her to live in a building without an elevator.” He huffed. “Did she agree to look at the place you found?” Maddox asked. “Yes. She’s not happy about it but she agreed to look tomorrow.” He replied. “Don’t you have court tomorrow?” She questioned. “I do but there’s a scheduled break so we’re going then.” He smiled.

“You’re home late.” Maddox noted looking up from her book when he entered his apartment. “You ate already I hope.” He smiled, setting his briefcase down. “I did. How’d it go with your abuelita?” She grinned. “You practiced that didn’t you.” He smirked, sitting next to her on the couch. “I did.” Maddox chuckled. “She’s fighting it but I don’t think it gets to be her decision anymore.” He sighed. “It can’t be easy to leave a home you’ve lived in for so long. She just needs some time.” She said running her hand behind his ear. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” Rafael asked, looking up at her softly. “I honestly have no idea. I haven’t exactly had a lot of experience with grandparents. My paternal grandparents are still alive but I’ve never met them.” Maddox replied as he push her back on the couch, resting his head on her chest. _Not even at Christmas when everyone went to their house..._ “How was court?” She asked, changing the subject. “Eventful. They took a deal, the daughters... well at least one of them is happy.” He chuckled, mostly at how crazy the whole case had been.

Maddox was quietly working on an idea she had for project she was helping Kevin with when her phone binged. “I’m home. Pick up food on your way. No rush.” Rafael had sent. It was four so Maddox decided she’d call in an order for food around four forty five and leave at five. “How are things coming?” Kevin asked as he popped by her cubicle. “Not bad, what do you think?” She questioned, turning her computer screen so he could see what she was working on. “I personally like the one on the left but bring both to the meeting next week.” He said. “Ok.” She smiled as she started to save her work and shutdown her computer. “You’re leaving at five?” Kevin smirked. “I am.” Maddox smiled while slipping her laptop in her bag and putting it on her shoulder.

“Raf.” She called when she entered his apartment. “In here.” He called back from his bedroom. Maddox put her bag down on the couch and the food on the counter before making her way to his room. Rafael was lying face down fully clothed on his bed. “Are you ok?” She asked, climbing on the bed behind him. “No.” He mumbled. “What happened?” She questioned as he turned to look at her, his eyes puffy and red. “My abuelita...” he said pushing his face into her stomach. “Honey...” She breathed, not wanting to assume what she feared he was about to say. “She’s gone... and it’s my fault.” Rafael sniffled, squeezing her tighter. “Raf...,” she exhaled, “this is not your fault.” “I pushed her to move. She wanted to stay in her home. She even said she wanted to die there.” He muttered. “This is not your fault. The timing is terrible but sometimes things just happen.” She said, running her hand through his hair. “This wasn’t supposed to happen...” He sighed looking up at her. “I know.” She said, her eyes softening as she looked at him. “I’m sorry.” He said, pulling back, clearing his throat, and rubbing his eyes after she had held him for a few minutes. “For what?” Maddox asked, pressing her hand to his cheek. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You’re young and...” He stopped and sighed as he looked at her. “Raf, I’m here for you, to be with you, no matter what either of us are going through.” She assured him. “Are you sure?” He asked. “I promise.” She smiled softly pulling him back against her. _I could never leave you alone with this._ Maddox thought as she held him, running her hand through his hair as he buried his face against her stomach again.

 


	14. Chapter 14

“Can you do lunch?” Maddox texted Rafael. “I though you were crazy busy this week?” He texted back. “We are but the client had to reschedule the shoot we had today so my afternoon opened up.” She sent. “What time?” Rafael asked. “Anytime after one.” She replied. “One will work. Meet me at the precinct. Liv asked me to stop by for something around twelve thirty. Do you have to go back to work?” He sent. “No. The shoot was supposed to take the rest of the day.” Maddox texted. “I may see if I can get enough done to skip out for the afternoon too.” Rafael replied.

“Hey Liv.” Rafael greeted as he knocked on her open office door. “Barba, come in.” Liv replied, standing to close the door behind him as he sat across from her desk. “What did you need?” He asked, watching her make her way back to her chair. “I did a simple search that pulled up way more information than I thought it would. I promise this wasn’t my intent but I felt you should see...” Liv sighed, handing him a file she had put together. “What is this?” Rafael asked as he took it from her. “Just look at it.” She replied. Rafael opened the file, flipping through it. There were multiple arrest records for Megan Maddox, DCS records, custody records... a small amount of information on Senator Feldman. He continued to look until he saw a bit of information he didn’t already know. “Why would you do this?” He snapped, forcefully closing the file and tossing it on her desk. “I just wanted to check her out a bit.” Liv replied. “Why?” He barked. “She’s young, I just...” Liv stopped and exhaled when she saw how angry he looked. “So you just thought I was so entranced with her youth that I didn’t bother to talk or learn anything about her.” He huffed as he stood. “I just...” She started but he interrupted. “I know about her mother, maybe not that she’s been arrested but honestly I could have assumed that. I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity of meeting her father. She still lives with her aunt since you seem to be so curious but you may already know that too seeing as I stopped reading when I learned that her mom’s parents died in a car accident when she was nine. I shouldn’t know that... not like this. Maddox should get to tell me when she wants to or it comes up naturally in conversation. This is a huge overstep...” Rafael’s rant was interrupted when Liv’s office door was swung open.

“Senator Feldman?” Liv blurted, surprised to see him standing there. Arthur Feldman looked at her and then Rafael. “Are you still dating Susan?” He asked Rafael. “I am.” Rafael huffed. “Why are you looking into me?” Arthur questioned, glaring at Rafael. “Why, are you worried about something?” Rafael snapped. “We’re not, I inquired about Maddox and some information on you came up. Nothing more than that.” Liv stated. “You’re alerted when information on you is pulled by a government agency?” Rafael sneered. “I have too know what information is out there if I want to run an effective re-election campaign.” Arthur countered. “Here.” Liv said handing Arthur the file. He flipped through it, more or less satisfied that he wasn’t being investigated for something. “This is highly inappropriate.” He huffed at Liv as he dropped the open file on her desk. “I know. It wasn’t meant to go as deep as it did, the information just kept coming.” Liv tried to explain. “I get the concern, she’s always had a thing for older men, couldn’t leave her alone with anyone as a teen.” Arthur chuckled as he made eye contact with Rafael. Liv watched, unable to stop him, as Rafael balled his hand into a fist and hurtled it towards the senator. It landed with a thud causing Arthur to bring his hands to his face as Rafael gently stretched his fingers while holding his hand close to his chest. “Barba!” Liv exclaimed rushing to the other side of her desk. “You do realize you just assaulted a sitting US Senator?” Arthur barked, wiping blood from his lip with the tissues Liv was handing him. “I do. I also know you care far more about your political career than to risk your name being dragged through the mud with information on how you’ve treated your daughter in the past.” Rafael threatened calmly. “Just keep her away from me.” Arthur hissed. “Believe me, I’d prefer it if she never even heard your name again.” Rafael growled.

Both Liv and Rafael were still standing in her office, silently watching Arthur leave, when Maddox entered the bullpen. She all but froze when she saw her father heading towards her. Carisi and Rollins looked up from their desk as Nick and Fin stood nearby watching the senator they had just been talking about leave. “I should have paid for your mom to have an abortion.” He said softly as he reached her. “It’s always good to see you too, Arthur.” Maddox snapped. “I hate it when you call me that.” He huffed. “You actually expect me to call you dad after you just told me you wished my mother had aborted me.” She scoffed. “You’re not even worth arguing with.” Arthur exhaled. “At least that feeling is mutual.” Maddox grumbled as he left before turning to find Rafael. “Your father’s Senator Feldman?” Carisi inquired as she passed. “Biologically.” She huffed.

“Why was he here and why did he have a busted lip?” Maddox asked Rafael once she entered Liv’s office. She glanced around and noticed her mother’s mugshot in the open file on Liv’s desk before either of them could figure out how to answer her. “Did something happen to my mom?” She asked, the concern in her voice slightly unexpected by Rafael. Both he and Liv watched as she flipped through the file. “What is this?” Maddox questioned, speaking softly as she turned to look at Rafael. His eyes softened as he started to speak but Liv beat him to it. “I’m sorry Maddox. I was concerned and overstepped. I was wrong. I promise Rafael had nothing to do with this.” “Can I have it? I’d like to know what you know about me.” Maddox huffed. “You can.” Liv nodded. Maddox picked up the file before moving toward Rafael. “We’re still on for lunch?” She asked. “Yes.” Rafael replied, taking her hand. Maddox paused and brought his hand higher to inspect it. “Did you hit my father?” She asked, noticing the split skin on his knuckle from where it had collided with teeth. “I really don’t like that guy.” Rafael huffed.

“Did you look at it?” Maddox asked curiously as they ate lunch. “Until I saw something you hadn’t mentioned. Then I closed it and threw it back on Liv’s desk.” Rafael huffed. “Has there ever been anything between you two?” She asked. “No. We’ve become friends over the last few years but nothing more. I really think she was just concerned.” He sighed. “Seems more like jealousy than concern.” She muttered. “I really don’t think that’s it.” Rafael replied. _Maybe not..._ “What did you see that I hadn’t told you?” Maddox asked, not really wanting to talk about Liv anymore. “About your grandparents.” He sighed. “God I miss them, we spent a lot of time there when my mom was in between places, they actually kept me for a while. It was really hard on Molly when they died. She was only nineteen and had to take care of the funeral arrangements and their financial affairs on top of school while my mom went off doing god knows what.” She said. “Where were you when your mom went off?” Rafael asked. “I stayed with Molly at my grandparents house. We reminisced about them and pretty much hung out like sisters. I’m about the same distance in age from her as she is to my mother. I’ve always been close to Molly but that time together really changed our relationship.” Maddox smiled. “Are we ok?” Rafael asked. “Why wouldn’t we be?” She asked. Rafael shrugged and gestured to the file she had sitting on the table. “You didn’t ask for this.” She replied as she sat her hand on it. “No I didn’t but...” He started but Maddox interrupted. “It upset you?” “It’s insulting... to both of us.” He huffed. “We’re fine then.” She smiled handing him the file. “I don’t want it.” Rafael stated as he refused to take it. “Fine but the only thing I may have kept from you for a while you already know. Anything else that’s questionable has nothing to do with my choices but those of my mom.” Maddox shrugged setting the file back down. “It’s still not how I want to get to know you.” Rafael smiled. _He’s absolutely perfect.._. Maddox thought as she returned his smile, gently rubbing her thumb against his hand. “I really hate to bring this up but could she have found out about Paul?” Rafael asked. “Not unless my therapist broke doctor patient confidentiality. Why?” Maddox questioned. “Liv just gets tunnel vision sometimes when it comes to getting victims justice. I know your wishes and trust me it’s just easier if she doesn’t know.” He sighed. “Isn’t it too late anyway?” Maddox questioned. “Yes, but that wouldn’t stop her from digging around to see if she could find a victim that could press charges.” Rafael replied.

“Do you have a shredder?” Maddox asked when they got to his apartment. “In the office.” He said, gesturing towards the door. Maddox dragged him behind her as she entered his office. “I’ve never been in here.” She said as she looked around. It was softly lit and fairly cozy with wooden furniture and bookcases. “Are these all law related books?” She asked as he pulled his shredder out of a low cabinet for her. “They are, it’s convenient to have them here when I still need to work but don’t feel like being in the office anymore.” He replied. “This is going to be somewhat cathartic.” Maddox smiled, sitting at his desk chair and laying the file open on his desk. “I’ll leave.” He said as he started towards the door. “No, stay... I really don’t care if you see something in the file but I wouldn’t mind company.” She said, grabbing his hand. “Ok.” He nodded.

Maddox looked at each item as she pulled it from the file before she shredded it. Rafael sat on the edge of his desk watching her. “She found my high school and college transcripts...” Maddox scoffed as she sat them in a stack on his desk. “Not shredding those?” He asked. “It’s the only thing in here I have found that is actually about me.” She shrugged. Maddox continued to shred as Rafael picked up her transcripts. “You’ve never made a B.” He noted as he flipped through them. “The only thing my father and I have in common... except I don’t boast about it.” She huffed. “He brags about his grades... still?” Rafael questioned, lifting an eyebrow. “It’s mentioned in a few campaign ads I’ve seen over the years. Other than that I’m just going off how much he use to tell his kids. I don’t know if it was supposed to inspire them to do better or make them feel bad for not doing well enough... I have no idea how they did in school.” Maddox replied before putting her mother’s mugshot in the shredder. “Anything in there that you wish Liv didn’t know?” He asked setting her transcripts in the now empty folder. “It doesn’t bother me that she knows but that she felt it was damaging enough to warn you.” She sighed. “I’m cutting her a very slim amount of slack because she recently found out Johnny D is Noah’s biological father and was probably thinking that I’d prefer not to have any surprises if avoidable.” Rafael sighed. “You didn’t tell me that.” Maddox stated. “That’s because it wasn’t my information to share, but considering today...” He shrugged and smirked slightly. “I won’t say anything.” She said as she stood to face him. “I know.” He smiled, placing his hands on her hips.

“Thank you.” Maddox said as she brought her lips closer to his. “For what?” Rafael asked. “Punching my dad.” She smiled before closing the space between them. His arms tightened around her as she ran her fingers through his hair. Rafael’s kisses moved to her neck as she reached between them to unfasten his slacks. He moaned softly when she found him, running her hand along his length before dropping to her knees and taking him in her mouth. Maddox watched him work his fingers into the knot of his tie, pulling it loose as she sucked him deeper. _How does he make removing a tie attractive..._ Rafael tossed the tie and loosened the top button of his shirt before gripping his hands in her hair, his eyes intensely locking with hers. Maddox relaxed her throat as she let him push himself fully into her, humming against him just to watch his eyes close as he gave a throaty moan. He pulled out and gently pushed back in while she did things with her tongue he hadn’t known were possible. A few more thrust and he pulled out bringing Maddox to his lips in one smooth motion. Rafael reached his hands down her thighs and lifted the skirt of her dress, tugging her underwear down just enough so she could kick them the rest of the way off. His lips never left hers as he spun them so that her back was to his desk, lifting her so that she sat on the edge, her legs spread around him. Maddox moaned against his lips as he thrust inside her, her legs wrapping around his waist, her arms around his neck. “Raf...” She panted as her climax grew nearer. “Haz lo que necesites, cariño. (Do what you need to, sweetheart.)” He hummed into her ear. She didn’t know what he said just that him speaking Spanish that softly in her ear seemed to push her over the edge. She arched against his chest causing his kisses to move to her neck. _God he’s amazing._ Maddox thought as she came back down pulling him back to her lips as he pump toward his release, grunting as his body stiffened slightly before collapsing against her. “Maddox... I... I...” Rafael panted, his confidence faltering as he looked at her, talking himself out of telling her how he felt, fearing a little over two months was too soon to say what he had wanted to say. _I love you, too_. Maddox thought as she smiled and softly nodded at him before pulling him back to her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don’t think Liv would go as far as I made her in this chapter with prying into Barba’s personal life but I have few ideas for later that I want a bit of tension between her and Maddox for.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 16 Episode 17

“You’re watching television.” Rafael noted as he walked in the apartment. “I’m watching a movie. Do you want to join me? I just started it, but I don’t mind rewatching the first ten minutes.” Maddox smiled. “What movie?” He asked. “The Devil’s Backbone.” She replied. “Is it a horror film?” Rafael asked lifting an eyebrow. The screen was paused on a scene with a few boys talking to each other. “Technically, but it’s more suspenseful than anything. Guillermo del Toro is the director so it can get a little gory at times but this one is fairly tame... at least compared to Pan’s Labyrinth.” Maddox replied. “You’ve seen it before then.” He said as he sat next to her on the couch. “It’s my favorite movie.” She smiled. “Well, if it’s your favorite.” Rafael smiled as he pulled her against him on the couch. Maddox grinned and started the movie over, snuggling closer to him. “It’s in Spanish.” He noted. “I’m aware. That’s what subtitles are for.” She smirked. “Doesn’t that mess with the flow of the movie?” Rafael asked. “I’ve seen it enough times that I don’t have to read as much as I watch anymore, it doesn’t hurt that Guillermo del Toro isn’t huge fan of dialogue.” Maddox smiled, shushing him as he opened his mouth to ask another question. “What does it matter if I talk... you can’t understand what they are saying anyway.” He whispered after a few minutes. “You can and you haven’t seen it so you’re going to miss something and I hate explaining the movie to someone because they talked through it.” She smiled while she used her hand to make him look at the television instead of her causing him to chuckle.

“What did you think?” Maddox asked when the movie ended. “I was surprised at how much history they put into a horror film.” Rafael replied. “I really don’t think of it as a horror film I guess.” She smiled. “I don’t see how.” He smirked. “I actually wrote a paper contrasting The Devil’s Backbone to Pan’s Labyrinth in a film studies class I took in college, Duality of The Spanish Civil War in El Espinazo del Diablo and El Laberinto del Fauno. The paper focused mostly around the Spanish Civil War that is a major presence in both films. This one, The Devil’s Backbone, follows the lives of orphaned boys of men who died as Republican soldiers and Pan’s Labyrinth follows Ophelia a little girl who lives on a military base with her mother who married a brutal Captain in the Nationalist forces.” Maddox said. “You’ve seen each movie a few times then?” Rafael smirked. “Have you seen Pan’s Labyrinth? It was more popular than this one and won three oscars for makeup, art direction, and cinematography. It’s a beautifully shot film.” Maddox stated. “I thought you said it was gory?” He questioned. “Oh it is but Guillermo del Toro can make some really pretty, albeit disturbing movies... him and Danny Boyle.” She smiled. “What has Danny Boyle directed?” Rafael asked. “Trainspotting, 28 Days Later..., Millions, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours.” Maddox replied, listing off a few of her favorites. “I’ve actually seen the last two you mentioned.” He smiled. “Then next on our list is Millions, it’s not disturbing... more of a kids movie actually, but still really pretty.” She grinned. “I didn’t know you were this into movies.” He chuckled. “I almost majored in Radio, Television, and Film but I enjoy creating print work and painting more than I would have working on movies. I can still appreciate them though.” Maddox smiled.

“You don’t seem excited.” Rafael stated as they made their way to Molly’s brownstone. “It’s not that I don’t want to have dinner with Molly, I do, I just know from the tone in her voice that this is an attempt to get me and my mother together.” Maddox sighed. “And you don’t want that?” He questioned. “I love my mom but it kills me to see her the way she is now. I hate wondering if today is the day I’m going to get a call that they found her dead somewhere.” She replied, leaning into him when he wrapped his arm around her. “Maddox, baby, I’ve missed you.” Megan said as she opened the door, wrapping her arms around Maddox. “Hi mom.” Maddox sighed, returning her hug. “Who is this? Molly said you were seeing someone.” Megan questioned. “This is my boyfriend, Rafael Barba, Rafael this is my mom, Megan Maddox.” Maddox said introducing them. “It’s nice to meet you.” Rafael said. “You too...,” Megan replied, smiling as she looked him up and down, “well come in. Molly has everything set up on the terrace.” “You do realize that both your mom and aunt have checked me out know.” Rafael whispered as they followed her mom. Maddox gave him a light jab in the side, smiling as he chuckled. “So what do you do?” Megan asked Rafael as they sat at the table. Molly was busy getting the food set out so Maddox excused herself to help. “I’m a prosecutor for the DA’s office in Manhattan.” She heard Rafael say as she approached Molly. “It’s ok that she’s here, right?” Molly asked. “I guess... and don’t even start with your ‘she just swung by’ bit... I’ve assumed since you invited us that she’d be here.” Maddox huffed. “She begged me to see you, she misses you.” Molly replied. “I know, I miss her... she’s just unpredictable.” Maddox sighed, taking a stack of plates to the table.

“Rafael was just telling me how you two met.” Megan smiled when Molly and Maddox joined the table. “Were you...” Maddox chuckled. “Yes, that our mutual friend brought you with him to my apartment for drinks and we bonded over our fondness for Vonnegut.” He smiled. “Aww... The PG version.” Molly smiled causing to Maddox giggle, laughing even harder when Rafael’s eyes widened and cheeks turned slightly pink. “There’s a different version?” Megan questioned. “We may have slept together that night.” Maddox replied as she bit back a smile. “You told Molly?” He whispered as Molly and Megan started talking. “I don’t have secrets from Molly. I told her the day after it happened, which was a week before I randomly stopped by your place that evening. If I had known it was going to turn into more I probably wouldn’t have.” Maddox replied. “Probably?” Rafael questioned, lifting his eyebrow. Maddox forced herself not to laugh again and he rolled his eyes.

“I’ve been sober six months now.” Megan interjected from across the table. “Six months? That’s great mom.” Maddox smiled. “Yeah, that latest rehab you sent me to really made a difference and NA is keeping me focused now that I’m out.” Megan said, while fidgeting with her sleeves. Maddox sighed as she watched her mothers tell. She may not be high right now but Maddox knew from her mothers gentle tug at her sleeve that she hadn’t been sober long. “So your arms must be almost healed.” Maddox said. “What?” Megan questioned. “The track marks, they must look pretty good after six months. Can I see?” Maddox asked. “Well... I mean the marks are still there, they take a while to heal when you’ve done as much damage to your body as I have and a lot are scars that will never go away...” Megan rambled. “I get that but they should look better.” Maddox said, forcing her mothers hand. Megan sighed and rolled up her sleeve. Maddox saw at least three needle marks that couldn’t have been more than a week old. “Mom you don’t have to lie to me. I appreciate the fact that you’re currently sober. All I want is for you to be honest with me and yourself. You’ll never get better if you can’t be honest with yourself.” Maddox said softly. “I know. I just didn’t want you to think you wasted money on me again.” Megan sighed. “For three months you were safe and off the streets. I don’t consider that a waste of money.” Maddox assured her. “I think I need stability. The constant stress of worrying about where I’m going to sleep drives me back to the people I’ve used with.” Megan replied. “I would agree with that.” Maddox stated. “Then I was hoping, if it’s ok with you, that maybe your mom could stay here for a while.” Molly said. Maddox looked at Molly and then back at her mom. “We can set up any guidelines you want.” Megan offered. “You have to stay sober.” Maddox stated. “Already established that one with Molly. If I do anything in or out of the house the arrangement is over.” Megan replied. “You have to go to meetings.” Maddox said. “I’m attending one every Tuesday and Saturday currently.” Megan nodded. “You need to get a job once that’s out of your system.” Maddox added. “I already have a waitressing job, I started yesterday.” Megan smiled. “Ok... Last thing... If you bring drugs or anyone you know from that life into Molly’s home, if you steal anything from Molly, we are through. I will never speak to you again. Is that completely understood.” Maddox said rather harshly. She wanted her mother to have an opportunity to get sober but hated that Molly was going to let this into her home. “I understand. I don’t plan on seeing anyone from that life. They say avoiding being in situations that tempt you is one of the best ways to stay sober. I definitely wont tell anyone where I’m living if I do see someone at NA or the diner. No one really ever asked where I lived anyway.” Megan said. “I’m going check in on you.” Maddox stated. “All the more reason to stay clean.” Megan smiled.

“You paid for your mothers rehab?” Rafael asked as they crawled under the covers in his bed. “A few times... it gives me peace of mind knowing she’s not on the street somewhere.” Maddox shrugged. “Doesn’t that get expensive?” He questioned, wrapping his arms around her. “I make decent money at my job and Molly has never charged me rent or for utilities, she never even made me pitch in for groceries. The only bills I have are my student loan, phone, and credit card, which I pay off monthly. I can handle trying to help my mom occasionally.” She replied. “Yes but you could have used that towards getting your student loan paid down.” Rafael said. “It’ll be paid off this year.” Maddox smiled. “Molly taught you some financial sense.” He chuckled. “That she did.” She grinned. “How do you feel about your mom being at Molly’s?” He questioned. _Hopeful... concerned..._ “I honestly don’t know. She’s right about needing some stability and I don’t see her getting it anywhere else but she’s made it hard to trust her over the years.” Maddox sighed.

“How was work?” Maddox asked when Rafael entered his apartment with a smile on his face. “Not bad.” He said giving her a quick peck as he went to his room to change. “You come in here with a grin on your face and that’s all I get.” She chuckled as she followed. Rafael smiled at her as he slipped out of his suit jacket and vest. _Really_... “So...” Maddox pestered. “They took a plea.” He said as he removed his tie. _Why is it sexy when he does that..._ “This is the case with that detectives brother in law?” She asked as she moved closer to him. “I don’t think they’re married yet.” Rafael said as she ran her hands under his suspenders. “Does that really matter?” Maddox smiled. “No,” he smirked, “she’s not going to jail but she will be on probation and go on the registry.” “So it’s like a win.” She said as she unbuttoned his shirt. “On a case attempting to prove a woman can rape a man... yeah, it’s a win.” He smiled. “Does that mean you deserve a little reward?” Maddox teased, her hands unfastening his slacks. “In full disclosure I couldn’t have done it without the dinner we had with your mother.” He said, his hands finding her hair. “How did that help?” She asked, looking up at him. “The last witness was a junkie I knew was still using. I wouldn’t have thought to have him roll his sleeves up to prove it if you hadn’t made your mom.” He replied. “Hmmm... If I’m that helpful, maybe I’m the one who should get the reward.” She teased, giggling when he all but tossed her on the bed.

“What kind of reward do you want?” He hummed into her ear as he pressed himself against her, his hand breaching the waist band of her pants. _Jesus, that._ Maddox thought as his fingers pushed inside her. Rafael’s lips were on hers, as she moaned, reaching her own hand into his already opened slacks. Maddox gently ran her hand along him as she moved beneath his boxer briefs, further down until she was massaging the boys below, letting his moans guide the pressure she used. “Damn, Maddox...” Rafael groaned when she unexpectedly ran her hand back up him. “Flip over.” She breathed. “Huh?” He panted, pulling himself up on both hands to look at her. “Flip. Over.” Maddox smiled, kissing him as she lifted herself onto her elbows. Rafael turned so that he was laying on his back as Maddox hovered over him. “I thought you wanted the reward...” He smirked as she kissed down his chest, pulling the suspenders off his shoulders as she went. “You can make it up to me later.” She teased while tugging his pants down enough to access the parts she wanted. One hand resumed it’s gentle exploration, while the other wrapped around him, her tongue working his lower region. “Fuck.” Rafael grunted when the hand wrapped around him gently squeezed up his length. “You ok?” Maddox asked innocently, her mouth close to his tip as she looked up at him. Rafael smirked as he took a deep breath, watching her take him in. It wasn’t long before her nose was pressing against him as she bobbed. Her hair had fallen around her so he used his hands to move it to one side, gripping it gently as he held it in place. Rafael moaned when she shifted so that she could look up at him. “Maddox...” He panted, lifting his hips when her hand cupped him again. Maddox continued to caress him as his grip on her hair tightened and he pushed her down onto him as he released, his grip softening shortly after.

“You’re going to have to give me a minute.” He panted when she crawled to lay next to him. “Take all the time you need.” She smiled as she rested her head on his chest. “You can go ahead and undress, it wont take me that long.” Rafael smirked, despite his labored breathing. “I can?” Maddox teased, moving to straddle him. He watched as she slowly pulled her top and bra off, huffing slightly when she stopped him from touching her. Maddox took her time unfastening her pants, slowly lifting her lower half in the air as she peeled them and her underwear off. “If only you had been facing the other direction.” Rafael quipped as she brought her lips back to his. “Next time.” She chuckled as he flipped her beneath him. His wight pressing against her while he pulled at the sleeves of his dress shirt before tossing it to the floor. Maddox tugged his undershirt off as he kissed down to her chest, tonguing her nipples as he moved between her legs. Rafael smiled when she lifted her pelvis to him when he hadn’t made contact yet. “Raf...” She pleaded. He chuckled softly before giving into her, his tongue licking up her slit. _Finally_... Her hips pushed into him when he gripped them to hold her in place. “Raf...” She moaned, pushing his head toward her as he lightly grazed her clit. Rafael looked up in time to see her throw her head back in frustration, his lips curling up as he intensified his touch. It was like he knew exactly where to lick, when to suck, whether to be gentle or aggressive with each stroke. “Fuck.” Maddox gasped, her fingers tightly gripping the sheets as her toes curled, her body shuddering against him.

Maddox was still panting when Rafael curled up behind her, pushing into her from their spooning position. _When did he take his pants off?_ Her legs intertwined with his while his arms wrapped around her. “My god, Raf.” She panted when his hand reached between her legs, the other rolling her nipple as he thrust. “Adelante cariño. (Go ahead sweetheart.)” Rafael purred in her ear. _Fuck, I should’ve taken Spanish..._ Whether she understood him or not she almost immediately obeyed, buckling against him. Rafael remained rigid inside her, holding her tightly to him as she turned her head and brought her lips to his. “Can I?” He half whispered when their lips parted. During the kiss he had pulled himself out and was now pressing gently against her other opening. Maddox bit her bottom lips as she looked over her shoulder at him. “I know I’m a little larger than Jesse.” Rafael said softly, maintaining eye contact with her. _A little?_ “Ok... yeah, yes.” Maddox nodded, expecting him to start pushing into her. Instead he reached his hand between her legs and used her natural moisture to help lubricate them both. “Fuck!” She gasped, tensing when his head entered her. “Try to relax.” He purred, his lips lightly grazing the back of her neck. _Easy for you to say..._ Maddox focused on her breathing as he filled her. It wasn’t that she hadn’t done this before, she had, enjoyed it even... just not with someone his size. “You ok?” He panted, his arms tightly wrapping around her waist when he bottomed out. “I am.” She smiled, looking over her shoulder at him. Rafael smirked slightly and started to move, gently pumping into her as she adjusted to him. “My god.” Maddox groaned, burying her face in the sheet as his pace picked up. “Fuck, Maddox.” Rafael grunted, smushing her face against the mattress when he turned her slightly to get a better angle. Maddox panted as his hands gripped her hips, pulling her back against him with each thrust he made until he grunted one last push while holding her firmly in place. “Shower?” He panted as he pulled them back to a spooning position. “When my legs work again.” Maddox chuckled, as she cuddled into the arms he had pulled around her.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 16 Episode 18

“That was ok... what we did the other night?” Rafael asked as he watched Maddox make dinner. _Sooo going to make you work for this..._ “The other night?” Maddox questioned, looking at him curiously as she chopped veggies. “What we did after the trial of Carisi’s, sister’s, boyfriend’s, PO ended?” He said, fighting back an eye roll at his seven degrees of separation description. “Carisi?” She truthfully hadn’t remembered the name but knew who he was talking about. “One of the two pretty boys.” He smirked, rolling his eyes as he figured out she was messing with him. “Oh yeah, the blondish one.” She smiled when he moved to stand behind her. “Seriously though, was that ok?” Rafael asked. “I wouldn’t have agreed to it if it hadn’t been.” Maddox smiled, turning to face him after she put the veggies in a bowl. “Yes but I keep thinking that I shouldn’t have mentioned Jesse. That it may have obligated you to say yes.” He sighed. “It didn’t.” Maddox said, kissing him as she went to get the olive oil and seasonings she wanted to use. “But...” He started. “Raf, I trust you enough to except if I don’t want to do something, if I hadn’t wanted to I would have said so. I was a little anxious at first,” Maddox glance at his crotch and smirked, “but that was the only reason.” “Are you sure?” He asked. “I promise, now do me a favor and grab the salmon out of the fridge.” She smiled as she tossed the veggies in the olive oil and seasoning before putting them in the steamer. “Are you sure you can cook?” He teased, handing her the salmon. “I’ve made you pancakes.” Maddox scoffed playfully. “Yes because boxed pancake mix and cooking fish are the same thing.” Rafael smirked. “You have a meat thermometer, I promise I won’t poison you,” She chuckled, “Molly and I cooked all the time and not always from a box.”

Rafael shook his head as he went back to the stool on the other side of the counter to watch. “Can you cook?” Maddox asked, leaning on the counter across from him after she placed the salmon in the oven. “I’m not sure I could even make the pancakes from a box you made at Molly’s.” He chuckled. “Sure you could. The box has directions and you can read.” She grinned. “Yes but that wouldn’t stop me from burning them.” He smiled. “Why do you have so many kitchen gadgets if you don’t cook?” Maddox questioned while making sure the potatoes weren’t sticking to the pan. “An ex girlfriend.” He said dismissively. _One who lived with you..._ Maddox paused her movements for a moment before quietly exhaling and placing the potatoes back in the oven. “Was she a good cook?” She smiled, resuming her position across from him at the counter. “That completely freaked you out.” Rafael chuckled. “What? No it didn’t.” She claimed, unconvincingly. “I have had girlfriends before you.” He smiled softly, taking her hands in his. “I know... I just didn’t expect to be using their things.” Maddox sighed, pulling away to check the temperature of the salmon. “You’re not, I bought this stuff.” He countered. “Ok...” She replied, closing the oven door again. “Hey,” he said softly, making his way back into the kitchen and wrapping his arms around her, “I’m almost forty, I have dated other women.” “I know... I’m not sure why it bothered me.” Maddox replied, looking up at him. “I’ve never seen you jealous.” Rafael smirked. “What? I’m not jealous.” She scoffed. _Oh my god, I’m jealous..._ “Sure you’re not.” He said humoring her. “How many?” She asked, rolling her eyes as she pulled away to check the food again. “Girlfriends or people I’ve slept with?” He questioned. “Both.” She answered as she started plating the food.

“Are you sure you want to know?” Rafael asked as he took his plate from her and they moved to his table. “You know about me.” She shrugged. “Seven that I actually referred to as my girlfriend, though the seriousness of the relationships varied.” He stated. “Does that include me?” She asked. “It does.” He smiled. “And the other?” Maddox pried. “I didn’t exactly keep count of the other.” He replied. “That many?” She teased. “Jesse was a fantastic wingman when I was younger.” He smirked. “Enough said.” Maddox chuckled as she took a bite of food. “Ok, I will never doubt your abilities in the kitchen again. This might be the best salmon I’ve had.” Rafael said. “That’s because it’s not drowning in some rich buttery sauce that’s going to make your stomach hurt later.” She stated. He smiled at her as they ate in silence for a few minutes. _Don’t ask him... don’t ask him..._ “How many did you love?” Maddox asked, kicking herself internally. “Three.” Rafael replied. _Is that including me..._ She watched as the corners of his lips tug upwards slightly as he looked at her while chewing another bite of food. _That’s including me_. “Did she live here?” Maddox smiled. “Who?” He asked. “The girl you bought the cookware for?” She clarified. “No. I’ve never lived with anyone.” He replied. “You haven’t?” She asked, looking at him curiously. “You basically live here, I mean you have slept here every night since that evening you dropped by unannounced, but technically you still live at Molly’s.” Rafael smiled. “Have you done this before?” She asked. “No. I’ve never given anyone a key either. Typically, I like my space to myself unless I feel like inviting someone over. You... well I like knowing you’ll be here when I get home or will at least show up at some point.” He smirked. “Everyday though?” Maddox questioned self consciously. “Everyday.” Rafael said smiling at her brief blush.

“I’ll get those.” Rafael said as Maddox started to take the dishes to the sink. “There aren’t that many. I cleaned most of it while I cooked.” Maddox shrugged, ignoring him until he physically took the plates from her. “And I appreciate that but you don’t clean the dishes if you cook.” He smiled. “You know we really should be writing these rules down somewhere.” She joked. “Why, you’ve broken most of them.” He smirked as he washed dishes. “Not the no clothes in your bed one.” Maddox smiled. “That one might be my favorite.” Rafael grinned, groaning when his phone rang. “See...” he huffed, as she took over the dishes when he dried his hands. “Rules are meant to be broken.” She smirked. Rafael rolled his eyes and answered his phone. “Barba. I can...” Rafael found the remote and turned the television on. “The mayors wife huh? Ok. Yeah, I follow up with them.” There weren’t that many dishes left so Maddox joined him moments later. “Do you have to go into work?” “No. McCoy was just giving me a heads up. SVU’s going to be looking into this case.” He said gesturing towards the television. “I never understood the appeal of fraternities.” Maddox stated. “What about sororities?” Rafael smirked. “I guess I’ve always liked being my own person, never really feeling the need to be around a lot of people. I meant more the appeal of the guys in fraternities, though. I’m sure they all aren’t, but I always get a douche vibe from them, it’s a total turn off.” She replied. Rafael smiled and pulled her to sit on the couch so they could watch the segment. “He’s one of our clients.” Maddox said. “Who is?” Rafael asked. “Skip Peterson. The PR side of my agency represents him.” She replied. “He needs PR?” He questioned. “Everybody on television needs PR.” Maddox smiled.

“Are you working late again tonight?” Maddox texted as she left work late herself. “I am.” Rafael responded. “Do you want me to bring you food. I know you wont take the time to get it yourself.” She sent back. “You’d be a lifesaver.” He replied. Maddox smiled to herself and headed toward the subway. She stopped at a deli not far from his office, grabbing and half sandwich and soup for him. “Maddox, right?” The blond detective she had met once before asked as she made her way towards the elevators. “Yes, I’m sorry, I’m terrible with names...” Maddox apologized. “Amanda or Rollins.” Rollins smiled. _Great two names to forget..._ “Is he busy?” Maddox asked. “Liv is in there, I’ll go back with you. I was just walking our victim out.” Rollins said, getting on the elevator when it opened. “Does she have a problem with me?” Maddox questioned softly. She didn’t really know Rollins, but for some reason felt comfortable enough to ask her. “Liv has a tendency to come off that way, but she is just concerned that Barba’s thinking this through.” Rollins smiled. “I’m young, not a sycophant.” Maddox huffed. “If it helps, that comment alone makes me think your perfect for Barba.” Rollins chuckled, as they got off the elevator. “Which do you prefer?” Maddox asked. “Which do I prefer of what?” Rollins questioned. “Rollins or Amanda?” Maddox clarified. “Amanda, since I think it will annoy Barba more.” Rollins smirked, causing Maddox to chuckle.

Rollins gently tapped on Rafael’s office door before opening it. “Great, you’re here.” Rafael smiled when he saw Maddox. “Hey Raf.” Maddox smiled, more or less ignoring the other woman in the room for the moment. “Maddox.” Liv nodded. _What is Liv short for again..._ “Olivia.” Maddox said, returning a brief nod. “Ok...” Rafael exhaled, glancing between the two of them as Rollins barely bothered to hide the amused look on her face. “I got you a half sandwich that you like and soup.” Maddox smiled, setting the bag on the only clear spot on his desk. “A good soup?” He questioned, lifting an eyebrow. “Vegetable.” Maddox replied. “You’re worse than my mother about what I eat, you know that.” Rafael grumbled. “You’ll eat it and you’ll like it, besides I compromised and got you your favorite sandwich which is in no way healthy.” She stated. “Half of it...” He huffed. “Trying to keep him alive longer?” Rollins quipped. “Have you seen the way he eats? Between that, the stress of this job, and his caffeine intake, he’ll be lucky if he doesn’t have a heart attack before he’s sixty.” Maddox chuckled. “You do realize that’s still twenty years away?” Rafael countered. “Yes but the goal is to prevent it not deal with it when it happens.” Maddox smiled. “Do you do this every meal?” Liv asked. “Just when she brings me food. I order what I want when we go out.” Rafael answered since he was almost afraid to let Maddox. “It’s the least I can do.” Maddox smirked as he looked up at her from his chair. “You could do less...” He mumbled. “Quiet you, or I’ll take the rest of the brownie for myself.” Maddox teased. “There’s a brownie?” He asked, his eyes lighting up. “Half a brownie.” Maddox corrected. “They don’t sell half brownies.” Rafael replied looking up at her again. “No but they do have knives. I ate the other half while I waited for your food. They were surprisingly busy.” Maddox smiled. “So if they hadn’t been busy I’d have a whole brownie?” He asked. “No. I would half eaten my half at home.” She smirked. “I really do appreciate the food.” He smiled. “I know. I’ll let you get back to work.” Maddox said, leaning down to kiss him. “I shouldn’t be too much longer.” Rafael said softly when their lips parted. “Ok.” She smiled. “Maddox, can I talk to you?” Liv asked as Maddox started to leave. “No.” Maddox huffed, still not quite over Liv’s indiscretion, and continued out the door. “What did you do to her?” Rollins asked Liv before Maddox made it through the door. _At least she didn’t share the file with everyone..._ “Nothing.” She heard Liv mumble as the door shut.

“How was your day?” Rafael yawned as he crawled in bed next to her when he finally got home. “Long, not as long as yours, but long.” Maddox replied curling into him. “Why was yours long?” He asked. “Skip Peterson damage control. I don’t usually get called in for the public relations side but it means that they’re liking my work that I did.” She smiled. “What about Skip Peterson?” Rafael questioned. “Oh, I didn’t even think about your trial. He’s administering an apology tomorrow.” Maddox said pulling up to look at him. “It’s fine. I’m dropping the charges anyway.” He sighed. “Was she not raped?” She asked. “No, she was, just not gang raped.” Rafael replied. “There’s nothing more you can do?” Maddox inquired as she rested her head back on his chest. “Her credibility is shot. There’s no way a jury would convict at this point.” He sighed, squeezing her gently.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 16 Episode 19 and 20

“You look stressed.” Maddox said when Rafael huffed and tossed the file his was flipping through on the coffee table. “It’s just this case. It’s a disaster. Parent’s are complaining that their kids civil rights have been infringed upon, seeming to forget that we are just trying to prevent these photo’s from getting in the hands of predators.” He sighed. “Can I?” Maddox asked, gesturing to the file. Rafael nodded and leaned his head back on the couch. “Ha! This is my old school.” She chuckled. “You went to Tribeca Academy?” He questioned, lifting his head to look at her. “When I lived with my father. They did this then too, just no one had iPhones... it wasn’t released until after I graduated high school. You’d occasionally get a crappy flip phone picture floating around but they tended not to bring out actual cameras at these things.” She replied. “Did you go to one?” He asked, lifting an eyebrow. “God no. I would have never been invited to one of these type things. I was that weird girl who always read and avoided talking to people.” Maddox chuckled. “Would you have if you had been invited?” He questioned, his mind not exactly eased from her last statement. “No. I avoided people, not the other way around. I only became the weird girl when a few of the more popular guys realized I was never going to give them the time of day.” She replied. “That must have been lonely.” Rafael said. “Those weren’t my favorite years.” Maddox shrugged.

Maddox watched as Rafael threw his briefcase down as he entered the apartment and headed straight for the scotch. “Rough day?” She asked lifting an eyebrow. Rafael grunted as he exhaled before taking a sip. “Can I help?” Maddox smiled, pressing her lips to his, a kiss he rather aggressively returned, at least initially. “I wish...” He sighed, stopping her when she started to unbutton his slacks. “I’m arraigning Typhoid Mary tomorrow and still have a ton of prep work to do.” Rafael explained when she pouted. “I get it,” Maddox smiled, “how’s Liv’s kid doing?” “I thought it was Olivia?” He smirked. “I’ll get over what she did eventually...” She huffed. “Noah’s still in the hospital. She’s barely hanging in there.” Rafael sighed. “You really care about her.” Maddox noted. “She’s become a close friend and I don’t like to see my friends in distress.” He replied. “Maybe I overreacted to her looking into me.” She sighed. _Nope... still really, really annoyed.._. “No, you didn’t. If I didn’t know her, I’d still be mad too. Hell I do know her and it still annoyed.” He smirked.

“You’re in a better mood.” Maddox chuckled, when Rafael wrapped his arms around her shortly after getting home. “I got a guilty verdict, it was on the lesser charge but still...” He smiled. “You want to pick up where you stopped me the other night?” She smirked, reaching to unfasten his pants. “Not exactly.” He breathed, enjoying her hand as it ran along his length. Maddox looked up at him, a little confused, as he pressed his lips to hers. He ran his hand beneath her skirt and into her underwear. She moaned against his lips, her hand still on him, while his fingers teased her. “Raf...” She panted, pulling her lips from his and burying her face in his neck. Rafael used his free hand to pull her chin up so she’d look at him. _So not fair..._ Maddox thought as his eyes locked with hers and her body jerked against him, her arm gripping around his neck so she wouldn’t collapse. “Pull me out and take your panties off.” He hummed against her ear. Maddox did as he asked, pushing her underwear low enough that she could wiggle out of them without bending over. Rafael smirked before pressing his lips to hers again, walking her backwards towards the nearest wall. “Hold on to my neck.” He breathed. Maddox gripped her arms around him as he lifted her so that he could ease himself inside. “Jesus, Raf.” She grunted when he pushed into her against the wall. Maddox crossed her ankles around his waist, taking some of her weight off his arms. “This is one of the reasons I like skirts.” He panted, penetrating her deeper with each thrust. _How does he keep getting better... Is that even possible..._ “Maddox?” Rafael grunted. “Yes.” She panted. “I’m going to need you to cum soon.” He spoke, his words strained. “Am I getting heavy?” She teased, despite how close her orgasm was. “No, I just really like this position.” Rafael smirked, making eye contact with her. “Fuck...” Maddox moaned, feeling herself constrict around him as he released. “Why do you orgasm when I look at you?” He chuckled once his breathing leveled out, his body still pressing hers against the wall. _Do I really? Fuck, I do... It’s the way he looks at me... not that he looks at me..._ “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Maddox smirked.

“You’ve been home early every day this week.” Maddox smiled when she entered Rafael’s apartment to find him reading on the couch. “Liv’s been in Chicago all week.” He smirked. “So she leaves and the rest of SVU just stops taking cases?” She chuckled, setting her bag down and leaning against him on the couch. “No, but half of the squad went with her. Something about a case she worked ten years ago.” He shrugged, shaking his head when Maddox started to read his book. “Don’t you have your own book to read?” Rafael chuckled. “I do, but you’re at a really good part in this one.” She smiled. “You’ve read it before?” He asked. “Multiple times.” Maddox muttered, continuing to read. Rafael chuckled in amusement and wrapped his arm around her as he went back to reading.

“Did they catch whoever they went to Chicago to find?” Maddox asked. She had met him for dinner at a restaurant close to his office. “Yes, but not until they returned to New York.” Rafael replied. “You’ll be busy then.” She said. “Trial starts tomorrow.” He sighed, taking a sip of the scotch he had ordered. “You sound like you don’t like your job, which I know isn’t true.” Maddox smiled. “It’s not that, I was just enjoying my evenings with you.” Rafael smirked. “Oh, I took off to take my mom to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe after I can stop by and actually see you in court.” She said. “No.” He responded, harsher than he intended. “Oh... Ok.” Maddox replied, visibly shrinking in her seat. “I’m sorry. I’d love for you to come by court sometime just not this trial. Yates is a psychopath. The girl I’m trying him for rape and murder of worked at Chicago PD. He took her specifically... out of spite. I’d prefer him to not not know you even exist.” Rafael explained. “He wouldn’t know we were together.” She said. “He’s smart and reads people extremely well. That’s not a chance I’m willing to take.” He smirked. “Ok, but I’m going to see you in court one day.” Maddox grinned taking a sip of martini. “Why are you taking off to take your mom to the doctor?” Rafael asked. “She hasn’t been in over ten years and she’s really nervous. I told her I’d go with her for support since Molly can’t take off.” She replied. “How’s she doing?” He questioned. “So far so good. I’ve never seen her arms look this good. I’ve also checked between her fingers and toes, since that’s a place junkies will sometimes shoot up when they’re trying to hide it and they look good too. I’m not getting my hopes up but she seems pretty dedicated this time... It feels different...” Maddox sighed. “I’ll be in court all day tomorrow and prepping pretty late for the next day, why don’t you have dinner with Molly and your mom tomorrow evening.” Rafael suggested. “You mean like a girls night?” She chuckled. “You could even pack a bag and sleep over if you wanted.” He smirked. “I like how you’re giving me permission to sleep at the house I technically live at.” She smiled. “Will you?” He questioned. “I’ll hang out with them but I think I’ll come home to you.” Maddox replied. “My bed is really comfortable.” Rafael stated. “Yes, because that’s what keeps me coming back.” She chuckled.

“Hey Maddox.” Megan smiled as she let her in Molly’s home. “Hi mom.” Maddox said, giving her a hug. “Have you eaten?” Megan asked. “Some toast before Raf left for work.” Maddox replied. “Do you want to get lunch after the appointment?” Megan asked. “We can. I took the day off so I’m all yours today.” Maddox smiled, mostly at the grin that took over her mothers face. “I can’t remember the last time we spent the day together.” Megan said. “I can. I was nine and it was summer so I was out of school and you had the day off. We went to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, I’m pretty sure we spent most of the day there.” Maddox replied. “That can’t be right. That place is too expensive for me to have spent money on. I selfishly saved any extra money for drugs at that time.” Megan sighed. _That’s the most honest I’ve ever heard her..._ “Admission is free if yo get there before noon on Friday. You always found a way for us to do things.” Maddox smiled. “It’s not Friday and we wont make it before noon but we could go and see what’s changed in the last fifteen years.” Megan suggested. “That could be nice.” Maddox smiled.

“I’ve got it.” Megan smiled as she paid for lunch. “Mom, you don’t have to.” Maddox said, putting away her own wallet at Megan’s insistence. “I got paid yesterday and Molly’s putting it in savings for me, other than a small amount of spending money, I can afford to treat you for a change.” Megan replied as they took their food to a nearby table. “Molly’s forcing you to save.” Maddox chuckled. “What’s so funny about that?” Megan asked. “Nothing, she just did the same thing to me when I got a job at the video store at sixteen,” Maddox laughed, “wait until she forces you to learn how to manage it.” “Manage what? I’m not going to get rich working at the diner.” Megan chuckled. “Molly will talk to you about budgets and how to save... what you should or shouldn’t buy.” Maddox smiled. “Do you think I should do the behavioral therapy the doctor recommended?” Megan asked, turning the conversation a bit more serious. “I think it could be helpful with coping with stressors that will inevitably turn up.” Maddox replied. “I think you’re right. I’m anxious to start a new program but I really want to be successful this time.” Megan sighed. “Take it one day at a time.” Maddox smiled. “God, you sound like my sponsor.” Megan chuckled. “How’s that going?” Maddox asked. “Pretty good actually. I’ve made a few friends in group, all of which have been in the program for over a year now and are very supportive.” Megan replied. “That’s great.” Maddox smiled.

“This place is beautiful.” Megan noted as they walked around the gardens. “It is. I texted Molly to meet us here after work, I hope that’s ok.” Maddox said. “It is. It’ll be nice for the three of us to hang out.” Megan smiled. They walked around the gardens for a while, just taking in its beauty. “Susan?” Megan whispered. Her mother was the only person that could use her first name without every hair on her body standing on end. Maddox had never told her why she started going by Maddox, just that she liked the name. “Yes, mom.” Maddox smiled. “Do you think I’ve screwed myself?” Megan sighed. “What do you mean?” Maddox asked. “All those test the doctor ran. HIV, hepatitis B and C, other STD’s... liver damage...” Megan bit her bottom lip as her eyes became glossy. “You’ve been putting various toxins in your body for close to twenty years. I think we should think in terms of being hopeful for not too much damage... something manageable. Don’t stress about it being more until we know for sure. There’s no use worrying about something that might not be.” Maddox replied. “Ok.” Megan exhaled. “There you two are.” Molly called as she joined them. “Hey Molly.” Maddox said, giving her mother a moment to compose herself. “This place is really pretty.” Molly smiled, grabbing an arm of each her sister and Maddox as they started walking around again.

“How was work?” Maddox groggily asked when Rafael climbed into bed next to her. “Long... Yates has the jury charmed and I haven’t found a way to convince them of who he truly is.” He sighed, pulling her closer to him. “You’ll be in court again all day tomorrow?” She questioned. “I will, closing arguments are set for late afternoon. How was your day?” He asked. “Good actually. My mom and I had lunch and then we went to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Molly met us there and we ordered pizza and watched movies when we got back to her place.” Maddox smiled. “How was the doctor?” He yawned. “He ran a bunch of test which, understandably, have my mother freaked out a bit. I told Molly to keep an eye on her until we get the results.” Maddox replied. “What kind of test?” He asked. “HIV, hep B and C, liver damage... your typical post drug use exam.” Maddox said. “How are you?” He asked, looking at her. “I don’t worry until I have to. We’ll see what the results say next week.” She shrugged.

“When do you get off work?” Rafael texted around four thirty. “Six, six thirty.” Maddox replied. “Come by my office when you’re done and we can grab dinner.” He sent. “Ok, I’ll let you know when I leave.” She texted back. “The person you’re always texting... Is that your boyfriend?” Kevin asked, causing Maddox to jump in her seat. “This is why I need an office.” She scolded as he laughed. “So...” He pestered. “Yes, he is.” Maddox grinned. “Ok, that face is going to have to give some details.” Kevin chuckled. “What do you want to know?” She asked, giggling when he pulled up a chair to sit down. “Do you have pics?” Kevin smiled. “Not on my phone... I really should take some pictures of us...” She mostly muttered the last bit to herself. “How do you not have any pictures? I thought your generation documented everything.” He smirked. “I can find a picture of him, hang on.” Maddox chuckled, pulling google up on her computer. “Rafael Barba? That name sounds familiar...” Kevin said tapping his fingers, thinking as he watched her type. “There.” Maddox said, pointing at her screen. “That’s why.” He chuckled. “What?” Maddox asked, confused by Kevins reaction. “That’s the prosecutor on Jocelyn Paley’s case a few years back. It was before you started with us.” Kevin replied, still chuckling. “I remember, people were still talking about it when I started... wait... with the belt?” Maddox blurted as the dots connected. “One in the same... please tell me he’s that depraved in the bedroom.” Kevin grinned. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Maddox chuckled. “I really would.” Kevin smirked. “Ha! You think he’s cute.” Maddox smiled. “Please, I don’t think people are cute.” Kevin mocked. “Fine, attractive.” She smirked. “Yes, I do... I’m a little jealous, is he good?.” He asked. “Good?” She questioned. “In the bedroom? He seems like he’d be good.” Kevin smirked. “Oh, he’s good... really good.” Maddox chuckled. “I kind of hate you.” Kevin huffed. “Whatever.” Maddox laughed.

“Hi Carmen.” Maddox smiled as she approached his office. “Hi Maddox, I’ll let him know you’re here.” Carmen smiled, gesturing for Maddox to enter shortly after she popped her head in his office. “Where do you want to eat?” Rafael asked when she sat in a chair across from his desk. “Can we do Greek?” She asked. “We can.” He smiled. “Did your jury come back yet?” Maddox asked. “It did, guilty.” Rafael smiled. “So you got the jury to see him for who he really is.” She said. “I simply let him show the jury who he truly is.” He smirked. “Do you have a lot more paperwork?” She questioned as her stomach growled. “Yes, but it can wait until tomorrow.” He smiled, standing to grab his suit jacket. “How was your day?” Rafael asked taking her hand as they headed toward the elevators. “Informative.” Maddox chuckled. “Informative?” He questioned. “I found out my boss, Kevin, had a little crush on you during the Jocelyn Paley trial.” She giggled. “Why that trial?” Rafael asked. “My agency used to represent her, even booked the Adam Cain show... It was before I started working there though.” Maddox replied. “They don’t represent her anymore?” He questioned. “There’s nothing to represent. She hasn’t written anything new yet. They would if she had, she’s not blacklisted or anything.” She said. “So this boss of yours, did he mention anything else about that trial?” Rafael chuckled. “He didn’t, but I started shortly after and people were still talking about it.” Maddox laughed, especially when he rolled his eyes.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 16, Episode 23

“You know we’ve been together going on four months now.” Rafael smiled. “Really?” Maddox questioned, lifting her head off his chest to look at him. “Yes. Jesse brought you by shortly after the new year started.” He chuckled. “What’s so funny?” She asked. “That ridiculous sun dress you were wearing... it wasn’t exactly weather appropriate.” He smiled. “I had a coat. I thought you liked dresses.” She huffed, rolling her eyes. “I do.” Rafael replied, kissing the top of her head. “What made you agree to that?” Maddox asked. “Agree to what?” He questioned. “What we did with Jesse? You said you hadn’t done it since your late twenties up until then so why did you decide to with me?” She said, restating her question. “Truthfully?” He smirked. “Yes.” She replied. “I hadn’t been laid in a while and Jesse always had a knack for finding attractive, albeit young, women.” Rafael chuckled. “How long is a while?” Maddox asked. “A year maybe...” He shrugged. “A year!” She blurted. “It’s reactions like that, that make me question that whole sex addict thing.” He laughed. “I’m not an addict... it just seems like a waste for you to not share you talents for a whole year.” She replied, putting more emphasis than she intended on the last two words. “It seemed to have worked out for you.” He smiled. “Still... not even just a little fling or one night stand?” Maddox questioned. “I’m pretty busy with work most days and I don’t like to mix the two.” Rafael replied. “It’s a good thing it’s not something you forgot how to do.” She chuckled. “Did you want to do something like that again?” He asked. _Wait... with Jesse?_ “Do what again?” She asked. “What we did with Jesse?” He clarified. “No. My curiosity is satiated. I meant it when I said you’re the only person I want to have sex with.” Maddox smiled, pulling herself up to kiss him. _Is that a look of relief..._ “Do you want to get breakfast or stay in bed all day?” Rafael asked. “Preferably both.” She smirked.

“How’s Molly and your mom?” Rafael asked when Maddox returned to his apartment from a visit. “Molly’s always good. They’re bickering like sisters which is kind of entertaining, I haven’t seen them do that since my grandparents were alive. Oh, did I mention that my mom got her results back?” Maddox replied, excitedly. “No, I take it they were good.” He smirked. “She has definitely damaged her liver, the doctor recommended that she didn’t drink and to restrict her use of Tylenol or other pain relievers, but if she takes care of herself she can live a good long while with the liver she has. Other than that she came back clean... She’s extremely lucky, I know how desperate she’s been in the past to get high, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had shared needles at some point.” She said. “That’s good.” He said, moving some things so she could sit next to him on the couch. “As long as she takes care of herself.” Maddox stated, leaning into him. “You think she will?” Rafael asked. “I don’t really get my hopes up anymore,” She sighed, “if she does, fantastic... if not, it is was it is.” 

“What’s all this?” Maddox asked, looking at the files he had spread across the coffee table. “I managed to get Johnny D’s case back from the feds. Trial starts in a few days and I need to get myself and SVU back up to speed.” Rafael replied. “You’re going to be busy.” Maddox said. “Very.” He sighed. “Is this another trial you want me to stay away from the courthouse for?” She asked. “I really doubt I’d have time if you came by but I’m not concerned for your safety like I was with Yates. If for some reason, and it’s doubtful, Johnny D isn’t convicted he would more than likely want to stay under the radar and slowly build his trafficking ring back up. Harming the prosecutor’s girlfriend wouldn’t exactly achieve that. That and since Liv has stupidly decided to name him on Noah’s birth certificate he’d probably focus his energy there.” Rafael replied. “Why does she want to do that?” She questioned. “Something about not wanting to start her life with Noah on a lie.” He shrugged. “Would the courts have issue with it if it came out later that she knew but didn’t name him?” She asked. “Possibly... but the chances of that happening...” He started. “I wouldn’t want to have that worry sitting over my head until the kid I was adopting was eighteen.” Maddox stated, causing Rafael to chuckle. “What?” She huffed. “I just didn’t expect you to side with Liv.” He smiled. “I remember when Molly finally got all the paperwork signed off on so she could keep me. It was a long hard process, but my father wasn’t the issue, the fact that I left his house to live with her for half a year before she started the paperwork was. Believe me, lying about something never works out in adoption cases.” She sighed. “Do you really think it’s in Noah’s best interest to one day find out who his dad is?” He questioned. “I’m better off knowing who my dad truly is. I mean the two acts aren’t exactly comparable on scale but in affect, personally for me, they have some similarities. You hate your dad but a part of you is the man I’m sitting next to because of him. I’m sure Liv has some issues with her dad.” Maddox said. “You have no idea...” He replied, pushing his bottom lip up as he realized she was right. “Who we are cannot be separated from where we’re from.” She shrugged, quoting Malcolm Gladwell.

“Have you eaten anything all day?” Maddox texted. “I’m currently getting coffee with Liv.” He replied, smirking to himself at the annoyed look he knew would cross her face when she read it. “I’m bringing food to your office. What time will you be back?” She sent back. “I’ll be there before you make it with food.” He replied. Maddox stopped at Rafael favorite restaurant close to his work to pick up the to go order she had placed on her way to his office. “You really need to take better care of yourself...” She grumbled as she entered his office without knocking. It was well past six and Carmen had already gone for the day. “I’ve eaten... just not a meal.” Rafael argued. “Grazing on the snacks sitting around your office and the precinct doesn’t count.” Maddox huffed, as she set out food for both of them at his round table. “It kept me from realizing I was hungry.” He smirked. “Don’t be cute... I’m irritated with you and I can’t stay irritated with you if you’re being cute.” She scolded, fighting back a smile. “You’re joining me.” Rafael questioned when he noticed two containers of food. “Unless you need to work while you eat.” She said. “I can stop long enough to eat dinner.” He replied. Maddox smiled and sat in the chair next to him as they started opening containers. “How was today?” She asked. “Terrible. Johnny D’s trying to reinstate his parental rights, that’s why Liv and I stopped for coffee. One of our witness flat out lied on the stand because she’s scared of what he can still do to her after the whole Timmer thing. Liv went to talk to the others, hopefully tomorrow goes better.” He sighed. “Are you worried about the trial?” She asked. “If the girls don’t tell the truth on the stand, I am.” He said, leaning into her hand when she ran it through the hair behind his ear. 

“You look like you fell out of the nineties.” Rafael chuckled when he walked into his apartment to find her in a pair of high waisted jeans, a white midriff, and a black and white flannel shirt. “The nineties are back... at least style wise,” she smiled, “I didn’t expect you home so soon.” “I didn’t expect you to look like I stepped back in time to my college days.” He smirked pulling her off the couch. “Hmmm... I don’t know if I could have handled the stamina of a twenty year old Rafael.” Maddox teased as he guided her to his bedroom. “I’ve learned quite a bit over the years, believe me I’m better now than I was then.” He hummed, running his hand up her sides and under the midriff. “I take it today went better.” She breathed as they undressed each other. “Much, but I don’t exactly want to talk about that right now.” He smirked, pressing his lips to hers as he pushed inside her. “You know,” she panted as he thrust, “for someone so excited by my outfit your sure took it off fast. What would you have done if I had been wearing one of those short skirts that were popular then?” “What do you think I would have done?” He grunted. _I’m so getting one of those skirts..._ “We’d probably be doing this on the couch with most of our clothing still on.” Maddox chuckled, at least until his lips muffled the sound her amusement. Rafael’s hand brushed her cheek before running through her hair as he pumped into her. Her own hands gripping his shoulders while his head nestled in the crook of her neck. “Raf... I...” She panted. “Yes.” He said, his eyes looking into hers. _Fuck... What if I’m wrong... What if I only think he loves me because I love him and I really, really want him to love me..._ “Maddox?” He panted, pulling her from her thoughts and back to his eyes that were still staring at hers. “I... I...” She panted, her head tilting back. “You what?” He purred as he brought his lips back to her neck. “I’m really close.” Maddox moaned as her body buckled against his. Rafael smirked at her for chickening out, not that he had had the stones to say it either, kissing her as he gave into his own release.

Maddox eyes were glazing over from boredom as she listened to one of her colleagues pitch an idea in the meeting Kevin had insisted she attend. It wasn’t so much that the idea was bad just that this person didn’t know how to explain what they were trying to convey. There was a television on the news with the volume down in the corner that her eyes kept drifting to. “Turn that up.” Maddox blurted, interrupting the guy speaking when she saw the headline, two dead, multiple wounded, in front of a shot of the courthouse. Kevin and Maddox’s boss, who was leading the meeting, looked at her curiously as he adjusted the volume so they could hear. “Things took a dramatic turn in the trial of Johnny Drake. Though it’s unclear who the victims are, there have been two reported fatalities, and sources are telling us the judge is one of the wounded.” The reporter on the television said. “I have to go.” Maddox croaked, barely finding her voice as she started gathering her things. “It’s a big building I’m sure he’s fine.” Kevin said not trying to stop her but put her mind at ease. “That’s his trial... he’s the one prosecuting Johnny D.” Maddox replied, her face going white. “Who’s the prosecutor?” Their boss asked. “Her boyfriend,” Kevin replied before adding, “my car is here, I’ll drive you. It’ll take forever by train.” Maddox followed in a daze as Kevin guided her to his car. _Why didn’t I tell him... I should have told him..._ Maddox thought as she wrung her hands together. “Why don’t you try calling?” Kevin suggested as he drove. “Phone... yes...” She stammered as she pulled it out and pressed Rafael’s contact, tears forming when there wasn’t an answer. “It’s probably chaotic, keep trying.” Kevin said trying to reassure her.

The area outside the courthouse was covered with news crews, police, and other first responders. Kevin had dropped her off and headed back to work since there was nowhere for him to park. Maddox had almost lost hope of getting inside when she saw the tall blondish detective walking close to the police line. _Shit... what was his name... why can’t I ever remember peoples names..._ “Detective!” She yelled as she got closer. Carisi looked at her for a moment as he tried to place her. “Rafael? Is he ok?” Maddox asked when he got closer. The exchange in the elevator, her in that green dress the night Barba had brought her by the precinct when they were clearly on their way to another function, her exchange with Senator Feldman in the bullpen... all came flooding to his memory when he saw look on her face. “He is, come on.” Carisi said, gesturing for her to cross the police line. “Carisi, you coming?” Liv called, standing next to her car. Maddox hadn’t noticed her and from the look on her face she hadn’t seen Maddox either. “I’m going to take her to Barba. Give me a minute, ok?” Carisi called, as Liv nodded. “Fin, hey,” Carisi called when he saw him as they entered the building, “can you take her to Barba, Liv’s waiting.” “Sure, tell Liv I’ll be up there soon.” Fin replied before guiding her into the disheveled courtroom, the only two people in it were a young blond girl, and Rafael, his shirt sleeves rolled up but vest and tie still on. “Raf...” Maddox exhaled. “Maddox, what are you doing here?” Rafael breathed, making his way to her and wrapping his arms around her. “Ariel, let’s get you back to your mom.” Fin said, guiding the girl out of the courtroom. “I saw the news, and I tried to call... you never answered.” Maddox said looking up at him. “My phone is on silent in my briefcase... I didn’t even think...” He said squeezing her tighter. “All I could think about was how I chickened out on telling you how I felt yesterday. That now I might never get to... that you’d never know how I felt... and... What are you laughing at?” She huffed when she looked up to see him chuckling at her as she rambled. “I love you, too.” Rafael smiled, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I didn’t actually get to say it.” Maddox pouted. “No one’s stopping you.” He smirked. “Eh... seems kind of expected now.” She smiled, ignoring his eye roll. “You want to hang out in my office while I finish up some paperwork?” He asked. “Sure, what exactly happened?” She replied, inquiring about the shooting. “Johnny D took a court officers gun, shot another CO, then Judge Barth before dragging the CO into the hall. Amaro followed, they shot at each other, Johnny D and the Co are dead and Nick is in the hospital having surgery.” He said. “My god. Is the Judge ok? Will Nick be ok?” She asked as she watched him gather his things off the prosecution desk. “She is, she was shot in the shoulder. Liv is going to let me know about Nick when she finds something out.” He replied, guiding her out of the courtroom. “You know I love you right?” Maddox smiled. “I do.” He smiled, shaking his head. “Good, because if you ever scare me like that again and then not answer your phone...” “You do know it’s a felony to threaten me right?” Rafael chuckled, interrupting her. “I’m pretty sure withholding sex doesn’t count in what you’re referencing.” She said. “Yeah, like that would ever happen.” He smirked.

“You really should come. All the detectives are going to be there, Noah’s nanny...” Rafael said, trying to convince her to go with him to the get together Liv was having to celebrate the finalization of the adoption of Noah. “I’m going to go hang out with Molly while my moms at work, we haven’t had time for just the two of us in a while. You go. Have fun. Help her celebrate and bring me back a slice of cake if there is one.” Maddox smiled, adjusting his jacket. “You know, if you went you could eat cake there and not rely on me remembering to bring it back for you.” He smirked. “Did she invite me?” She asked. “Well... she just called everybody to come over... it wasn’t exactly a formal invite or anything.” He replied. “Yes, but did she say, hey bring Maddox if you want?” She asked. “No...” Rafael sighed, “she probably assumed I would, she knows we’re together.” “Look Raf, this isn’t about me, or you and me... Today is about Liv officially becoming Noah’s mom. He may be too young to understand what’s happening but it’s a big deal. Go... Help her celebrate.” Maddox smiled and leaned in to kiss him before making her way to the door. “And don’t forget my cake.” She added, giggling at his eye roll as she left.

“Where’s Rafael again?” Molly asked as she opened a bottle of wine she had hidden out of sight from Megan. “One of the detectives... sergeant... I can’t remember what her title is but she’s having a small gathering to celebrate the adoption of her son.” Maddox replied. “Why didn’t he take you with him?” Molly questioned, pouring them each a glass. “She’s the one who put that file together on me. I don’t think she likes me with Rafael... not that she knows me.” Maddox huffed. “From what you told me that file was pretty extensive.” Molly replied taking a sip as they walked to the terrace. “That file wasn’t about me, it was about my parents.” Maddox said, rolling her eyes. “Are you ever going to forgive her for looking out for the guy you love.” Molly said, completely sounding like an annoy sister when she said the word love. “I’m so not telling you things anymore.” Maddox chuckled. “Seriously though, he’s obviously friends with her, she’s going to be around. You’re going to have to talk to her eventually.” Molly said. “I know, I just didn’t think this was the time. She should be enjoying the adoption of Noah, not trying to make things less awkward between us.” Maddox replied. “That’s mighty big of you.” Molly chuckled. “You laugh because you know it’s irritating the crap out of me.” Maddox smirked. “Yep, but you’re putting up a good front.” Molly smiled. “I still believe it’s the right thing for me not to be there.” Maddox sighed. “I know. You always did put others first... I have no idea who you got that from.” Molly smiled.

“Where’s Maddox today?” Liv asked as people started to leave. “She spending some time with her aunt.” Rafael replied. “You know she could have come.” Liv said. “Not really. I’m not sure how you feel about her.” He said. “I made a poor choice, I get that, but I would like to get to know her, the girl you are so fond of.” She said. “Girl...” He smirked, teasing her for her word choice. “Fine woman...” Liv smiled. “I’m not an idiot, I know she’s young, too young... but somehow we work. All those things you found out about her made her mature for her years.” Rafael stated. “You finished looking through the file?” Liv questioned. “I glanced at it occasionally while she shredded it’s contents.” He replied. “And none of that worries you?” She asked. “The file wasn’t about Maddox... it was about her parents. She’s her own person and very different from them.” He said. “You’ve met them both?” She questioned. “Her mom is living with her aunt and working on staying clean. Maddox refuses to get her hopes up but Megan is doing well.” He replied. “So she’s living with her mom again... that’s got to be a little rough.” Liv sighed. “Maddox basically lives with me. She hasn’t changed her address or anything but she has a key and sleeps there every night.” Rafael shrugged. “I didn’t know you two were that serious.” She said, almost sounding apologetic for her past actions. “I can be having a terrible day... McCoy, Dodds, the mayor, commissioner, you name it, all breathing down my neck for results on the latest arduous case you’ve brought me, in what I assume is your constant need to fuel my migraines, and then I get home and Maddox is curled up on my couch with a book. The television isn’t on, there’s no radio or anything else for background noise... it’s just quiet. The headache from the day melts away and it’s just the two of us as she leans against me continuing to read as I either join her or continue to work. I’ve never had that... someone who can, just by being there, make my whole day better.” He said, unconsciously smiling as he pictured her on his couch. “You seem happy.” Liv acknowledged, getting a ziplock for the piece of cake he had placed on a small paper plate. “Thanks,” he said taking it from her, “I am.” Liv watched as Rafael slid the cake in the ziplock and started for the door. “Hey Rafa,” she called, causing him to turn back to face her, “I’m happy for you.” “Now we just have to convince Maddox of that.” Rafael smiled. Liv softly chuckled and nodded before he turned again to leave.


	19. Chapter 19

“Why did you want to use the studio today?” Jesse asked as he unlocked one of the art studio’s on campus for Maddox. “I’m being forced to use some of my banked vacation days before I lose them.” She replied. “You should have gone somewhere with Raf.” He suggested. “I know but he’s kind of a workaholic, that and he’s been really busy the last few weeks. He has a ton of paperwork to get through now.” Maddox said. “So you decided to paint.” Jesse smiled. “I did, I always found it relaxing and a little inspiring to paint here.” She replied, taking the supplies she had brought with her out of her bag. “You want to get lunch in a bit? I’m teaching a summer class and have some grading to do so I’ll be around for a while.” Jesse offered. “I’m actually meeting Raf for lunch, but bringing you might be a fun surprise.” Maddox smiled.

“I’ve never actually seen Rafael’s office, we always met somewhere when we’d have lunch.” Jesse said as they climbed the steps to the courthouse. “It’s a really nice office. If I ever get one it’s going to be this tiny closet of a space with no windows.” Maddox huffed as they got on the elevator. “I doubt they have offices like that at your agency.” Jesse smirked. “Seriously...” She sighed as they rounded the corner and she noticed all of SVU in his office. “He looks busy.” Jesse noted. _He’s always busy..._ “Hey Maddox, I’ll let him know you’re here.” Carmen said as they got closer. “Thanks, Carmen.” Maddox smiled. They watched as Carmen poked her head in his office and Rafael smile when he noticed Jesse was with her. “You two can go in.” Carmen said. “Jesse, this is a pleasant surprise.” Rafael said giving his friend a hug. “I like how you’re more excited to see Jesse than me.” Maddox teased. “What? I saw you this morning.” Rafael smiled, before giving her a quick kiss. “This is your mutual friend?” Rollins asked, as she looked at Jesse. “Yes.” Maddox chuckled when she noticed Rollins eyes lingered on Jesse for a moment. “How long have you known Barba?” Fin asked. “What Raf, eighteen years now?” Jesse asked, looking towards Rafael as he questioned his own math. “Something like that.” Rafael smiled. “And how long have you two known each other?” Carisi asked. gesturing between Jesse and Maddox. “Five years.” Maddox answered. “Did you know you were playing match maker when you introduced them?” Liv smiled. “Ha. I figured you’d leave me out of the story of how you two met.” Jesse chuckled. “Why would they do that?” Fin asked. “I swear to god Jesse, if you answer that...” Maddox whispered close to Jesse’s ear. “No reason...” Jesse smirked. “That’s all we get?” Rollins huffed. “I wasn’t playing matchmaker. I didn’t even know they had started talking until a few weeks into their relationship.” Jesse added, chuckling softly. “Were there a lot of people there?” Carisi asked. “Where?”Jesse questioned. “When you introduced them.” Carisi clarified. “No it was just the three of us.” Jesse chuckled a little harder this time. “And you didn’t notice them hitting it off?” Carisi asked causing Jesse to actually laugh. “I’m sorry, I’m really am... but your face is priceless right now.” Jesse said to Rafael as he continued to laugh. “Her work is a block from my apartment. We ran into each other on the street one day.” Rafael huffed as he folded his arms. “Did you need anything else?” He added, annoyed with the detectives questioning. “Yes, to know what he finds so funny.” Rollins said. “I’m sorry sweetheart, but neither of them will ever tell you that.” Jesse chuckled. “You could.” Rollins smiled. “Not if I value my friendship with either of them.” Jesse smirked.

“Are we done?” Rafael huffed towards Liv. “We’re are.” Liv said, following as Fin and Carisi started to leave. “Bye Rollins.” Rafael said, forcing her to stop staring at Jesse and leave with the others. “What’s the deal with the blond?” Jesse smirked after the door shut behind her. “Don’t feel too flattered, I’m pretty sure she’s rebounding.” Rafael muttered while making a note in a file on his desk. “Those are my favorite, they tend to get less attached and are up for most anything.” Jesse chuckled, eliciting an eye roll from Rafael. “Who was Amanda dating?” Maddox asked. “Since when do you know her as Amanda?” Rafael huffed. “Since she told me she preferred it to Rollins because she thought it would annoy you more. I find it a little humorous that she was right.” Maddox chuckled. “And her name stuck...” He sighed. “Apparently.” Maddox smiled. “She and Nick had something going on. I don’t think she’s taking his move to California so well.” Rafael said as they headed out of his office towards the elevator. _Amanda and Nick... really..._ “She seemed fine to me.” Jesse smirked. “There are plenty of other women in this city for you to exploit.” Rafael chuckled. “This is true.” Jesse smiled. _Wait, exploit?!_ “Do you think he exploited me?” Maddox asked, almost sounding offended. “No, I think you two had more of a symbiotic relationship.” He smirked, taking her hand. “Mutually beneficial... I like that.” Maddox smiled. “So, just to be clear, you’re saying that Rollins chick is off limits?” Jesse asked. “Yes.” Both Rafael and Maddox chuckled.

“What are you wearing?” Rafael smirked when he got home from work later that week. Maddox was in a pink, wrap around, high waisted, mini skirt that had four buttons on the front and a black midriff top with cap sleeves. “An outfit I found at Target.” She replied, smiling when she felt his hands on her hips as she leaned on the kitchen counter flipping through a magazine. “Why are you wearing it?” He hummed into her hair as his hands skimmed the bottom of her top. “It’s kind of a birthday present.” Maddox smiled. “It’s not my birthday.” Rafael smirked. “I know, it’s mine.” She chuckled. “How is this outfit a birthday present for you?” He asked, his body still pressed against hers despite the fact that he had paused his movements. “The outfit isn’t my present, what I knew the outfit would lead to is.” Maddox hummed, reaching her hand into his hair and pulling him to her lips as she looked over her shoulder. “God, I love you.” Rafael chuckled, his hands breaching the bottom of her shirt. “I know.” She smiled when they made contact with her breast. They continued to kiss as Maddox turned to face him, leaning against the counter when he pressed against her, his hands moving under her skirt. “Please tell me you wore underwear when you left the house...” Rafael hummed between kisses. “I did.” She chuckled, reaching her hands down to unfasten his slacks, enjoying the deep moan he released against her lips when she ran her hand along him before pulling him free. “Wait... It’s your birthday...” He said, attempting to stop her as she dropped to her knees. “Yes and I get to do what I want to do.” Maddox smiled as she looked up at him. Rafael watched as she licked from his base to his tip before taking him into her mouth. One hand gripped her hair as she bobbed while he used the to other brace himself on the counter. “Maddox.” He panted, pulling back on her hair gently to get her to release him. “Where do you want me?” She smirked, still looking up at him from her knees. “Leaning against the counter.” Rafael smirked, helping her up and stepping behind her as she rested her elbows on the granite surface. His body weight pressed against her as he ran his hands down her thighs to pull her skirt up enough to push into her. Maddox moaned as he filled her, lifting her slightly with each thrust. “Fuck, Raf...” She grunted, her palms flat on the counter. Rafael pressed his lips to the area of her neck where it met her shoulder as his hands teased her breast again. “Jesus.” Maddox panted as she leaned her head back against his shoulder. Her hands white knuckling the edge of the counter as she gripped it, her body pushing back into his, her toes barely touching the ground anymore when he thrust. “My god...” She moaned as her body jerked against his, giving into her release. Rafael’s arms wrapped tightly around her waist as he pulled her away from the counter, forcing her to brace herself with one hand on the back of his neck. “Jesus Raf... I can’t... Fuck...” She panted, her free hand digging into one of his arms. “Yes you can.” He purred, failing to relent in the force with which he was shoving into her. “Fuck...” Maddox groaned when her body shuddered against him again. She would have doubled over if it hadn’t been for his arms holding her in place. Rafael thrust a few more times before succumbing to his own release, grunting against the back of her neck. “Woah, you ok?” He chuckled, catching her when she could barely stand after he removed himself. “Yeah, my legs are just a little shaky.” She smiled. “Here...” He smirked, turning her to face him so he could carry her to the couch. 

“Better?” Rafael smiled, sitting next to her after he adjusted himself and refastened his slacks. “I am, thank you.” Maddox chuckled as she leaned into his side. “So, your birthday is July nineteenth?” He asked. “Yep.” She answered. “Is that all you wanted for your birthday?” He questioned, running his hand through her hair. “Pretty much.” She smiled, pulling up to kiss him. “You don’t want an actual gift, something you can keep?” Rafael asked. “Not really. I just want you.” Maddox replied, running her finger along the length of a suspender. “You’ve got to want something?” He smirked. “I’m not a huge fan of things.” She said dismissively. “Why is that?” He inquired. “Things are just objects that are subject to being missed when you inevitably have to leave them behind. I prefer to not get attached in the first place.” Maddox shrugged. _You have no idea how many things I’ve had to leave behind that part of me wishes I still had today..._ Rafael watched her for a moment, while she absentmindedly ran her fingers along his chest. He wanted to hold her, to let her know she’d never have to just up and leave again if she didn’t want to... but even he knew he couldn’t guarantee that. “You’ll just have to settle for me, I guess.” He said, smiling playfully when she looked up at him. “So, you’re my present?” She smiled, lifting her brows quickly at him. “Yes and as your present, I would like to treat you to dinner.” He chuckled. “And if I’m a good girl, can I play with my present after?” Maddox teased, barely getting it out with a straight face. “Jesus, you’re going to wear me out tonight.” Rafael chuckled as he stood to pull her to her feet. “I thought you wanted food?” She asked when he started for the bedroom. “I do, but if you think I’m going to let you go out without underwear you don’t know me very well.” He chuckled. “I’ll change into something a little nicer, this outfit was really just for you anyway.” Maddox smirked before disappearing into his closet to find one of her work dresses.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode reference: Season 17 Episodes 1 and 2

“So, another body was found in Yates burial ground?” Maddox asked as they laid in his bed. “Yep, Rollins doesn’t seem to think it’s one of Yates’ though.” Rafael huffed. “Rollins?” She questioned. “The nosy blond one.” He chuckled. “Oh, yeah... Amanda.” She said. “I really dislike that you call her that.” Rafael said. “Her name?” She questioned. “Yes.” He huffed. “So why does Amanda think it’s not Yates.” She asked, purposefully stretching out Rollins name to annoy him. “Because the girl was a redhead and Yates is playing her.” He grumbled. “What does being a redhead have to do with anything?” Maddox questioned. “Apparently Yates only likes brunettes.” Rafael muttered. “If he goes after brunettes why wouldn’t you let me come see you in court?” She asked. “Still not a chance I was willing to take and now that we’ve found a redhead we don’t know if he only stuck to brunettes.” He replied. “So what happens now?” Maddox asked, cuddling closer to him. “He’s trading information he may have for a visit with his fiancé. All I know is he better have something useful...” Rafael huffed. “You got him a conjugal visit?” She chuckled. “Don’t remind me...” He sighed.

“You’re working late.” Kevin noted as he walked passed Maddox’s cubicle on his way out for the night. “No I’m not. I’m working on a personal project while I avoid going home to sit in an empty apartment.” Maddox sighed, turning her screen for him to see the sketch she was working on. “Trouble with the ADA?” He smirked. “No,” she smiled, “Rafael’s great. He just has this case he’s working on that has kept him at the office late every night this week. I just thought I’d be productive.” “That and you don’t have a sketch pad for your laptop at home.” Kevin chuckled. “Are you kidding? Do you know how much a good one of these cost?” Maddox laughed. “It’s good.” He nodded towards her screen. “It’s far from done...” She sighed, never fully satisfied with any of her personal work. “Even so, I really need to take advantage of your drawing capabilities more often.” He smiled. “It’s part of a series, they all revolve around this girl...” Maddox said as she pulled up her Dropbox. Kevin watched as she clicked through the folders until she got to the one she wanted. The same little girl appeared in each files thumbnail image. “They’re very... ominous.” Kevin stated, pulling up a chair as she clicked through them. “They’re supposed to be.” She smiled. “I just didn’t expect dark from you, you’re always so upbeat... a little high strung but upbeat.” He chuckled. “Oh I can be dark and twisty.” Maddox smirked. “What scene are you going to put the girl you’re working on in?” He asked. The sketch Maddox was currently working on only had the girl on a white background, she hadn’t made it to the point of creating the scene yet. “A sea of buildings.” Maddox replied. “Like she’s lost.” Kevin questioned. “Yes, but they all have a glimmer of hope in them.” Maddox said pulling up one with the little girl being encompassed by shelves and shelves of books. The shelves almost seeming to grow taller around her as she stood in the middle of them. “Where’s the hope in this one?” Kevin smirked. “It’s in the books themselves.” She smiled. Kevin leaned in closer, reading the spines of the books as he did. Every so often a book would have a word written on it’s spine, knowledge, adventure, truth, dream, courage, patience... “It’s subtle.” He chuckled. “It’s supposed to be.” Maddox laughed softly, shaking her head. “What’s the inspiration?” He asked. _My dysfunctional life..._ “Just different hardships people face in life.” She replied. “You should put a gallery show together. I know plenty that would carry this series alone. It could be pretty dramatic... your black and white sketches printed on oversized canvases, hung on either dark gray or maybe stark white walls...” Kevin said, thinking out loud, “I could make some calls...” _So not ready for my life to be on display, purposely out there for people to scrutinize..._ “It’s still I work in progress. I may take you up on the offer when I finish though.” Maddox smiled.

Maddox gathered her things to head to Rafael’s around eight thirty. “Just leaving work. Do you want me to pick up food or will you be really late again?” She texted Rafael. “Get food, I’m leaving in ten minutes.” He replied. _So thirty..._ Maddox thought, chuckling to herself as she stopped to pick up some household items they were low on while deciding what food to get. Ultimately she decided on a build your own salad place she used to go to for lunch all the time but had never picked up for dinner. She picked him up a bowl of soup as well since she wasn’t entirely sure if he’d like the salad she had put together for him. 

“You didn’t shave today.” Maddox noted when Rafael entered the apartment with some noticeable scruff. “Yeah, I skipped it this morning when I decided to go in early.” Rafael sighed, sitting next to her at the table. “I kind of like it.” She smiled, running her hand along his cheek. “Don’t get used to it, I’m shaving it off in the morning.” He smirked. “You don’t like being scruffy?” She teased, knowing he preferred a more polished look. “That and it itches.” He huffed, opening the salad container. “I hope that’s ok, I wasn’t really sure what you’d like on your salad...” Maddox said as he took a bite. “It’s good, really good actually.” He replied, picking his fork through it to see what all she had put in it. “How was work?” She asked. “I had to arraign our deputy chief medical examiner today, so... that was fun...” Rafael said sarcastically. “Amanda was right then, it wasn’t Yates?” Maddox asked. “It’s looking that way.” He sighed. “Because yesterday you weren’t so convinced... You said that they only needed to follow up in case Yates was working an appeal.” She stated. “I know what I said. That was before they found out that Rudnick used lived in the house the body was found in and used to be engaged the her. That she left for Sweden and never returned to the states and Rudnick returned but somehow never left... He also failed to mention he went to medical school and was friends with both Yates and Yates’ fiancé. Oh and to top it off he likes to dress as a woman.” Rafael said rubbing his eyes. “What does cross dressing have to do with anything?” Maddox questioned. “He may have left the country dressed as his ex fiancé and the most recent victim was seen leaving a shelter with someone dressed as a woman.” He replied. “Now the cross dressing comment makes more sense.” She smirked. 

“Jesus, not you too.” Rafael sighed when he returned home from work to find her sitting on his couch reading a book, a small stack of newspapers next to her... Rudnick’s picture on the cover of each. “What? It’s a crazy story... ME autopsies his own fiancé thirteen years later... who he murdered.” Maddox teasingly exaggerated the word murder like she was at a murder mystery dinner theater. “Now you sound like Rollins.” He chuckled, as he removed his already loosened tie. “I actually kind of like Amanda.” She smiled. “You don’t really know her.” He smirked, discarding his suit jacket, vest, and tie on the back of a chair. “That’s true, but from the few encounters I have had with her she seems a little cynical while managing to retain a sense of humor... Those tend to be my people.” She smiled. Rafael rolled his eyes while shaking his head, making his way closer to her. “How was your day?” Maddox asked when he sat next to her. “Stressful.” He sighed, leaning against her. “How so?” She inquired, running her hands through his hair. “Rudnick is missing after killing a witness within twelve hours of making bail. Everybody’s falling all over themselves to place blame. I even got a call from the governor. This case is a disaster.” Rafael said. “Aren’t they always?” Maddox teased. “Ha.” He half grunted, half chuckled. “You want to go to bed?” She asked, leaning forward enough to kiss the top of his head. “Not really, but I need to.” He sighed. “Come on.” Maddox said, tapping him with the book she had been reading. “Is that my book?” Rafael scoffed when he realized she was holding the book he had been slowly picking is way through the last week or so. “It is, it’s good too.” She smiled, standing when he did. “Just don’t spoil it for me.” Rafael said, rolling his eyes as he followed her to his bedroom.

“Are you too busy for me to bring lunch by your office today?” Maddox texted Rafael when her schedule unexpectedly freed up an extra hour around lunch time. “I’m busy but I’d love to see you. If you don’t mind constant interruptions and the possibility of having to leave depending on the interruption, you can swing by.” He replied. “I’ll grab something I can take to Central Park and eat just in case.” She sent back. “Again with the texting...” Kevin teased as he stood at the opening to her cubicle. “Just making lunch plans.” She smiled. “Did you get the files sent to the printer?” He asked. “I did, they’ll be ready next Tuesday by three.” Maddox replied. “And the studio is booked for Wednesday?” He questioned. “Nine AM.” She stated. “Please tell me you’re bringing your boyfriend to the firms Christmas party this year?” Kevin smirked. “You do realize it’s September...” Maddox chuckled. “It’s almost October which means the party is only two and a half months away.” He smiled. “If he’s not working I’ll bring him.” She smiled while rolling her eyes. “That’s all I ask.” He smirked. “You know I’m not sharing, right?” She chuckled. “I know, but I’ve got to make sure he’s good enough for you.” Kevin grinned. “Uh huh...” Maddox smiled.

Maddox picked up sandwiches from a deli close to Rafael’s work, figuring that would be easiest if their lunch was completely interrupted and she had to leave. When she approached Carmen’s desk she noticed a woman in his office she didn’t recognize. “Hi Maddox,” Carmen smiled, “he shouldn’t be too much longer.” “Who’s that?” Maddox asked gesturing to the woman in his office. “Rita Calhoun, defense’s council.” Carmen replied. “That explains the exasperated look on his face.” Maddox chuckled before making her way to a chair to wait. “Maddox, you can go in.” Carman smiled a few minutes later as the door to his office opened and Rita exited. “Girlfriend?” Rita smirked as they passed each other, Maddox clearly carrying lunch for the two of them. “That’s your business, how?” Maddox scoffed, mostly at the judgmental tone Rita had used. “At least now I know how he relieves stress.” Rita deadpanned, more or less continuing on her path toward the elevators. “Excuse me!” Maddox snapped as she stood in the doorway to Rafael’s office, watching the woman walk away. “Ignore her, she can’t help herself.” Rafael called as he stood and made his way towards her. “She’s a treat.” She huffed, moving to his round table to set out the food. “Carmen, if you can help it, no interruptions for an hour... at least thirty minutes.” Rafael sighed, poking his head out the door. “One pull controls all of them...” Maddox noted as she watched him close the blinds between his office and the world just outside. “Makes life easier.” He smiled, joining her at the table. 

“Can she really keep people away?” She asked, the mischievous look not going unnoticed. “You said lunch.” Rafael scolded, gripping his hand in her hair. “Did you lock your door?” Maddox questioned, her breathing already heavy. “I did.” He smirked. “We’ve never done anything in your office.” Maddox whispered. “Are you trying to prove Rita right?” He teased, walking her backwards toward his couch, his hand still tightly gripped in her hair. “I’m only trying to help you relax a little.” She smiled as innocently as she could. “Someone could interrupt us at any moment.” Rafael breathed, before pressing his lips to her. “Is it wrong if that’s exciting me?” Maddox smirked when their lips parted. “It’s a little twisted.” He teased, unsuccessfully fighting back a smile when she reached between them to unfasten his slacks. “Good.” She smirked, pushing him back on the couch, giggling when he pulled her with him. “Shhh... You really do have to be quiet.” Rafael whispered. “Maybe I need something in my mouth.” Maddox grinned, taking his vest off as she straddled him. Her dress riding up her thighs as she did. “We don’t have that kind of time.” He smirked. Maddox leaned forward and kissed him, sliding his suspenders down his arms so she could pull his pants down and out of the way. “You’re not wearing underwear...” She chuckled quietly, pulling back from his lips to look at him. “I really need to do laundry.” Rafael smirked, pulling her back to his lips as he reached his hand beneath her to pull her own underwear to the side before plunging himself deep inside her. He kept his lips to hers, muffling her moans as she rode him. “Lo siento, amor... but I have to make this quick. (I’m sorry, love...)” He panted, picking her up and moving her beneath him on the couch. “Fuck...” Maddox panted, trying to keep her voice low, the pressure building as he thrust into her. Rafael watched her. The way her body tensed slightly before it began to jerk. Her eyes that maintained contact with his until the last minute before rolling back as she arched against him. “Fuck, I love you.” She grunted softly, her body buckling towards him again causing him to chuckle. Rafael quicken his pace as his pinnacle approached, panting, “Yo también te quiero. (I love you too)” softly in her ear. Maddox pulled him to her lips when she felt him collapse against her. “We have to get dressed.” Rafael sighed, pulling his lips from hers. “I don’t.” She smirked. He rolled his eyes and smiled as he stood to redress himself. 

“You looked worried before, when the other lawyer was in here.” Maddox said as they sat down to eat. “I’m kind of stuck in a no win situation. I can’t let Rudnick off but if I get a conviction every case Rudnick has worked on will be subject to appeal, including Yates.” Rafael sighed. “Is there anything that can be done to prevent... the appeals?” She questioned, completely aware she had no idea how to word what she was asking. Rafael smiled at the clumsy question before answering. “Not to prevent them, but Warner is going back over his work to make sure nothing was missed or inaccurate in his findings.” “Warner?” Maddox asked, fairly sure the name had never been mentioned before. “Another medical examiner. You’ve never met her.” He smiled. “Oh,” she nodded, “Raf?” “Yes.” He smirked. “What did you say to me in Spanish earlier?” Maddox asked. “Yo también te quiero. I love you too.” He replied.

Maddox was waiting outside the restaurant not far from the courthouse Rafael had texted her to meet him at. She watched as Rafael, Carisi, Rollins, and Liv talked as they walked down the sidewalk towards her. “Let me know if you find something.” Rafael said to Rollins and Carisi as he stopped next to Maddox. “Will do counselor.” Carisi nodded, both he and Rollins acknowledging her before they rushed off. “Hi Maddox.” Liv smiled. “Liv.” Maddox nodded. “Do you want to join us for dinner?” Rafael asked, extending an invitation to Liv. _Please say no... please say no..._ “I need to get home to Noah.” Liv said, begging off. “Another time.” Rafael suggested. “Definitely.” Liv smiled. “You look relieved.” Rafael chuckled as they entered the restaurant. “I’m not quite over it...” She said dismissively. “You’re never going to get over it if you don’t actually talk to her.” He noted, lifting his eyebrows at her. “And if she had joined us I would have been nice and put in actual effort to get to know her, but I’m allowed to be relieved that I don’t have to do that tonight if I that’s how I feel.” She countered. “Fine.” Rafael smirked. “How was court?” Maddox asked, changing the subject. “Terrible. Two hours on the stand and I’m pretty sure I just made the jury like him more.” He grumbled. 

“Why?” Maddox groaned as Rafael’s phone rang at four thirty in the morning. “It’s work.” He whispered as he answered the phone. “Your work sucks.” She grumbled, pulling her head from his chest and onto her pillow. “You can go back to sleep.” Rafael smiled, watching her grip her arms tightly around the pillow. “Barba.” He spoke into the phone as he climbed out of bed, making his way to the living room so he didn’t disturb her. “You’re not alone.” Carisi said, sounding a little surprised on his end of the line. “What did you need, Carisi?” Rafael grumbled, rubbing his eyes. “We found something you need to see.” Carisi replied. “Now?” Rafael huffed. “It’s worth the early morning, I promise.” Carisi said. “I’ll be at the precinct by five thirty.” Rafael sighed, hanging up the phone. “Maddox...” Rafael whispered, leaning close to her as he stood next to the bed. “I thought you said I could sleep?” She muttered into the pillow. “You can, I was just letting you know I’m going into work after I shower.” He said. “Ok,” she said turning to face him, “be careful.” “I will.” He smiled.

“How busy are you today?” Rafael texted Maddox around ten that same morning. “Working on some projects at my computer today. I could get away for lunch if you wanted, pretty much anytime.” She replied. “Ok. I’ll let you know a good time as soon as I do.” He sent back. Maddox smiled to herself and went back to work. She had multiple projects she was working on, all at different stages of completion. Every time she opened a page to work on a draft for the newest project Kevin had enlisted her help on her mind went blank. So instead she decided to get the mock-up finalized for her presentation the following week. This still needed to be sent to the printer and the other she wouldn’t have to pitch ideas for until the week after. Maddox was completely engrossed in her work when a voice spoke behind her. “It’s nice to see your office for a change.” “Jesus Christ!” Maddox gasped, jumping slightly in her seat as she turned to see Rafael standing at the opening to her cubicle. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” He chuckled. “Sure you didn’t,” she smiled, gesturing to her extra chair, “I should be used to it. Kevin sneaks up on me all the time. He thinks it’s funny that I’m so jumpy.” “Do you have a lot left?” Rafael asked, pulling the chair closer to her as he sat. “Yes and no. I just need to finish what I’m currently doing so I don’t lose my place and save. Then we can go eat.” Maddox said, turning her attention back to her computer screen. “Take whatever time you need, I’m in no rush.” He stated as he took in her work space. 

It was well organized, everything in the most functional place possible in the small space. A large monitor was placed in the corner with her laptop closed but connected right below, a separate keyboard and mouse just in front. To the right of her computer was a large flat black surface tilted at an angle, which he assumed was something that allowed her to draw on the computer, this assumption being confirmed when she used it moments after he noticed it. Normal office supplies to the right beyond that, a stapler, pens and pencils in a holder, and an incoming and outgoing station with only a few items in the outgoing section. To the left of the computer she had an art area. Markers and colored pencils, all organized by color, texture, and tip shape, lined two levels of the shelf sitting on the desk. An assortment of different textured paper lined the lowest level. “You work space is very different than mine.” Rafael said once she had saved her file and turned to face him. “That it is,” Maddox chuckled, “Where do you want to go for lunch?” “I was thinking that Italian place on fifty ninth.” He suggested. “I’m good with that.” She smiled, reaching under her desk to grab her purse. “Maddox.” Kevin said as he got to her cubicle. “Yes Kevin.” She replied, grinning when she turned to see his eyes bouncing between her and Rafael. “Uh...” He hesitated briefly before regaining himself and continuing. “I’m going to call the client to schedule a meeting to pitch our ideas the week after next. Are you better with Tuesday or Wednesday?” “Considering I’m staring at a blank screen let’s do Wednesday to give me an extra day.” Maddox grumbled. “You’ll figure something out. Just remember, it’s a way of life... not just a website.” Kevin laughed. “I really think that tag line is my problem... I mean what am I supposed to do with that? Use a picture of people living a life of luxury with a big cursor hovering over it like you can click your way in...” She chuckled. “That could actually work.” Kevin smirked. “I’ll start working on it this afternoon.” Maddox said, shaking her head. “So... are you going to introduce me?” Kevin smiled. “Yes,” she chuckled, “Rafael this is my boss Kevin Adler, Kevin this is my boyfriend Rafael Barba.” “It’s nice to actually meet the man I always catch her texting.” Kevin smiled, extending his hand towards Rafael. “It’s nice to meet the only person from work she’s ever mentioned.” Rafael replied, standing to shake his hand. “All good things I hope.” Kevin grinned. “You know you’re my favorite.” Maddox smirked, now standing next to Rafael. “Are you taking lunch?” Kevin asked. “We are.” She replied. “I’ll swing by this afternoon then to help brainstorm additional ideas for the tag line you’re stuck on.” Kevin offered. “And to talk about Rafael...” Maddox chuckled, shooing them both out of her cubicle. “Well I can’t exactly talk about him in front of him.” Kevin smirked. “Never sopped you before.” She smiled, taking Rafael’s hand as they left.

“So that was your boss, huh?” Rafael chuckled as they walked to the restaurant. “Yep.” Maddox said. “The one that thought I was attractive?” He smirked. “Thinks you’re attractive.” She corrected, fighting back a chuckle. “You two seem to get along pretty well.” Rafael smiled. “We do, we have a similar sense of humor.” Maddox replied. “How much does he know about you?” He questioned. “Not a lot actually... we have a fun, surface level, work relationship. I’ve showed him some of my art but that’s really as personal as we get.” She smiled. “He knows about me, am I not personal?” He smirked. “Sure you are, but our conversation consist of us both thinking you’re attractive and whether or not you’re good in bed.” Maddox chuckled. “As long as it’s not personal...” Rafael said sarcastically. “I gave him a simple yes, I didn’t go into detail about our sex life.” She smiled, taking his hand in hers. “So you think I’m good huh?” He teased. “Like you don’t know you are...” She said, rolling her eyes when he smirked, “What brought you to me for lunch today?” “Carisi found a video of Rudnick talking to himself, plotting to murder Yates’ fiancé. That’s why he called me so early this morning. Rudnick confessed to the two most recent murders and I dropped the charges on his ex fiancé. I thought I’d take the afternoon off, deal with the paperwork tomorrow, and surprise you for lunch. I might even take a nap after.” Rafael smiled. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 17 Espisode 4

“Maternal outrage, my ass...” Rollins muttered as she and Liv passed Maddox when they were leaving Rafael’s office. “Hi Liv, Amanda.” Maddox smiled. She was in a particularly good mood since Kevin had told her that morning that he had recommended her to take his position when he moved up to creative director. The agency’s current creative director was planning on retiring at the end of the year and Kevin had already discussed in detail with Maddox his plans for the corner office. It wasn’t a done deal, but since the position would report to Kevin and he had been grooming her for it over the last few months, though he didn’t mention that part to her, she was feeling pretty confident. “Hi, Maddox.” Liv said, returning her smiled. “Can you tell your boyfriend to not be such a pig.” Rollins huffed. “You mean, misogynistic?” Maddox questioned, trying to understand where Rollins was coming from with the word pig. “Yes... He seems to think that just because we’re women we can’t see a case involving children for what it really is... because we’re too emotional.” Rollins replied, a bit dramatically. _No... no ones emotional..._ Maddox thought as she glanced at Rollins rather large belly. “I’ll see what I can do.” Maddox said, chuckling when Liv rolled her eyes and shooed Rollins toward the elevator. 

“Amanda’s pregnant!” Maddox blurted when she entered his office. “For a while now.” Rafael smirked. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She scoffed, plopping down in one of the chairs across from his desk. “I thought you didn’t get excited when people announced they were pregnant?” He chuckled. “I don’t, but I mean whose is it? Is it Nicks? Is she seeing someone? My god... did Jesse sleep with her?” Maddox rambled her questions off quickly, eliciting an eye roll from Rafael. “I’ve heard mention that it’s not Nicks, I have no idea if she’s seeing someone, and as for Jesse... you’d have to ask him but I’m pretty sure she’s further along than having been knocked up in July.” Rafael chuckled. “Curiouser and curiouser...” She said, trailing off as she watched him shift things around on his desk.  “Ok, it’s bugging me because I’ve heard it but can’t place it... Where’s the quote from?” He asked after a moment. “Alice in Wonderland.” Maddox smiled, watching him shake his head. “Are you ready?” Rafael asked, smirking at how comfortable she had made herself. “I am,” she grinned, standing so they could leave for lunch, “What case are you working that caused you to accused Liv and Amanda of being too emotional?” “I didn’t accuse them of being over emotional, I said I would need more than maternal outrage to make a case. They brought me a tragic oversight... not something I can take to trial.” Rafael replied dismissively, not wanting to bring up the department of child services with her since they had been involved in her life at one point. “They don’t seem to agree.” Maddox stated. “They never do,” he smirked, taking her hand as they entered the elevator, “What was your good news?” “It’s not exactly good news yet, just the possibility of good news.” She grinned. “You seem excited.” He noted, lifting an eyebrow at her. “I know, I’m trying not to get my hopes up but I really, really want this?” Maddox whined, as she bounced a little. “Want what?” Rafael chuckled. “Kevin told me this morning that our current creative director is retiring at the end of the year and that he is being promoted to that position. Apparently he’s known this for months... He then went on, in excruciating detail of his plans for his future office...” “Kind of like you are now, instead of getting to the part involving you.” Rafael smirked as he interrupted her. “I’m getting there...,” Maddox sassed, “He’s suggesting that I be promoted to his current position as art director. I mean the promotion wouldn’t happen until January and a few other people have to agree to it, but considering the position will report to Kevin, his opinion will be weighted fairly heavily. That, and they like to promote from within and I’m the only one with the experience to move into the position thanks to Kevin’s insistence that I be allowed to attend more meetings and take charge of more projects.” Maddox rambled excitedly. “When will you find out?” Rafael asked. “By the end of the month.” She grinned.

“Morning.” Maddox chuckled when Rafael grumbled next to her as his alarm went off. “Morning...” He sighed, blinking his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. “I didn’t hear you come in last night.” She said, cuddling against his chest. “I worked late... too late. I didn’t want to wake you.” Rafael replied, pulling her closer to him when he wrapped his arm around her. “Liv and Amanda brought you a case after all?” Maddox asked. “That they did...” He sighed, really hoping she wouldn’t ask about. “You’re usually more forthcoming with details.” She stated looking up at him. “It’s...” Rafael sighed as he looked at her, “is it ok if I don’t want to talk about this one?” “It is as long as you talk to me if you need to.” She smiled. “I will.” He smirked, thankful that she’d leave it alone. It wasn’t that the case itself was too horrific to talk about, more that he didn’t know how she’d react to it involving the department of child services. He wasn’t sure of her opinion on DCS ad after what he’d learned was almost afraid to ask.

“Seriously though, what do you think my chances are?” Maddox asked as she sat in Kevins office. “They’re going to be a lot smaller if we don’t finish this mock-up.” He teased. “Yeah, yeah.” She muttered, turning her attention back to her work. “Will I get your office?” She asked, ten minutes later, a stupid grin on her face. “I’m sure you’d get an office, possibly mine.” Kevin chuckled. Maddox’s smile widened, if that was possible, before she turned her attention back to her work. Both of them bounced ideas off the other as they worked to get everything perfect since they were pitching this to the client in a few days day. Maddox was checking for typos and anything else needing to be fixed when Kevin spoke. “Isn’t that your boyfriend?” She looked up to see him gesturing toward the television in the corner of his office. “Turn it up.” Maddox said. They both watched as he spoke. “He’s going after DCS? Caseworkers?” She muttered rhetorically. “You didn’t know?” Kevin asked. “He said he didn’t want to talk about this one.” She stated, confusion present on her face. _I can’t believe he’s going after caseworkers..._ “He’s talking now.” Kevin smirked.   

“I saw you on TV today.” Maddox huffed when Rafael got home from work. Rafael closed his eyes and exhaled as he sat his briefcase down. It had been a long day, granted he had caused his own headache this time, but the last thing he wanted to was to upset her. “I know I should have told you. I just didn’t want to bring up your childhood.” He sighed. “I’m not upset that you didn’t tell me or that you were concerned for my feelings, that’s actually kind of sweet... I’m mad that you’re going after DCS to begin with.” Maddox grumbled. “Wait... you’re upset that I’m trying to help children not be overlooked and left to die or be abused?” Rafael questioned, where she was coming from being completely lost on him. “No, I’m not upset that you’re helping children but that you’re going after caseworkers. You do know those people are crazy overworked and paid next to nothing.” She snapped. “And...” He huffed, a little tired of being attacked today. “Look, I know you’re on a crusade here, but before you chastise the lowest man on the totem pole for a systematic failure, you need to decide if it will actually change anything. Otherwise your just destroying the life of someone who was already bailing out water just to stay afloat.” Maddox fumed as she left the kitchen. “Where are you going?” Rafael asked. “To bed.” She huffed. “It’s barely nine.” He argued. “I really don’t care.” Maddox barked slamming the door. Rafael sighed as he stared at his now empty living space and made his way to the kitchen, smiling to himself that despite being upset, she had still picked up food and taken the time to set it out for him. 

“Maddox, can we talk?” Rafael said softly, sitting on the bed next to her. “About what?” She huffed, laying with her back to him. “For starters can you explain why you’re mad at me. I would like to understand your side.” He suggested. “I just hate that you’re going after the caseworker.” Maddox sighed. “It was ultimately his negligence that led to the child’s death.” Rafael replied. “You don’t understand how overworked they are. I promise they care. You don’t get into that kind of work if you don’t care. My caseworker didn’t always show up, because she had more children than she could possibly check up on. But when she did, she always check in with me to make sure things were going well. She never just took Frank and Gina’s word for it that everything was fine, though with them she could have.” Maddox said, turning to look at him. “You were lucky.” He said. “Yes, you’re right I was lucky...” She said sarcastically, turning away again. “I didn’t mean...” Rafael started, stopping himself and audible exhaling instead. “No, your right, I was lucky,” Maddox sighed, “you should have heard some of the things the girls I shared a room with had lived through... My point is that it wasn’t my caseworkers fault she was stretched so thin she couldn’t visit regularly.” “So it’s more concern for the caseworker than trying to actually going after the system?” He asked. “You really think this will change anything?” She countered, turning to look at him. “I don’t know but I have to try.” Rafael sighed.

“What’s your deal today?” Kevin asked as he walked up on Maddox muttering angrily at the copy machine. “This stupid piece of crap machine needs to be replaced.” She grumbled, opening the front to dislodge her third paper jam in the last twenty minutes. “Yes, because the copy machine made you come in huffy this morning.” He chuckled. “Rafael and I had a little disagreement last night.” Maddox huffed, finally getting the last of the paper out of the machine. “You broke up with the ADA?” Kevin blurted. “No. We had an argument, we didn’t break up. I’m just still a little annoyed.” She said rolling her eyes. “Well, we pitch in less than an hour, you think you can seem a little less annoyed?” Kevin asked. “I will be my normal bubbly self.” She smiled, chuckling when he shook his head as he walked away.

“How’d your pitch go?” Rafael asked when he got home. “Fine.” Maddox shrugged. “Any news on the promotion?” He asked, trying to get more than one syllable out of her. “No.” She replied, her eyes returning to her book. “You were right?” He sighed, sitting next to her. “About what?” Maddox questioned as she turned a page. “The caseworker caring.” Rafael said, pulling her book down with two fingers so she’d look at him. “Are you still prosecuting him?” She asked. “No, he took a plea and is willing to testify against his bosses.” He replied. “He’s still going to jail?” Maddox huffed. “I gave him the least amount of jail time I could... A little girl was locked in a dog cage, starved, and later died.” Rafael said. He wasn’t placating to her anymore but he didn’t speak harshly either. Maddox looked at him and sighed before speaking. “What time does he testify?” “You want to come to the trial?” He asked. “I want to hear both you and the defense. Make my mind up for myself.” She replied. “Trial starts tomorrow afternoon and will most likely continue through the next day.” Rafael said. “Ok. I’ll check with Kevin to see if I can take it off. We just picked up a new client so as long as I get some work done while I’m out of the office or come up to work after it shouldn’t be a problem.” Maddox shrugged. “So your pitch went well.” He smirked. “Really well.” She smiled.

Maddox sat in the back of the courtroom, not really wanting to be noticed. She just wanted to observe. “Maddox?” Liv said as she and Carisi walked passed her to take their own seats. “Hi Liv.” Maddox smiled. “Do you have plans with Barba?” Liv asked. “No, inherent interest in the case.” Maddox replied, smiling at Rafael when he looked back at her. She was no longer upset with him, understanding why he was prosecuting, she truly did want to see both sides and make her mind up for herself. Not just take her boyfriends word on it. _Geez... no wonder he didn’t tell me the details..._ Maddox thought as she listened to his opening statement. Her opinion of the defense attorney was quickly turned negative when he started blaming the caseworker, deciding she disliked him even more when he verbally attacked the caseworker on the stand. 

The next day she watched from the same location in the back of the courtroom as Rafael introduced case file after case file of forged reports. Reports that had the children signed off as fine on the same days they were admitted to emergency rooms or were no longer living in the country. When the DCS supervisor melted down on the stand Maddox watched Rafael, his face seeming to have not expected the rant she was unleashing. It was what Maddox had been trying to get at, though not truly being familiar enough with the system to state it clearly. The trial recessed after the supervisor’s testimony, if you could call it that, and Maddox started to make her way out and head back to work, having seen enough, when she heard Rafael call her. She turned and made her way towards him through the people exiting the courtroom. “Are we ok?” Rafael whispered, not really knowing how she felt about the trial anymore, especially after the supervisor’s meltdown. “We were always ok, I don’t have to agree with everything you do.” Maddox smiled. “Just checking.” He smirked. “You get that it’s deeper than this right?” She questioned. “You mean that the pressure to forge paperwork to make it appear as though more families are being monitored than actually are is deeper than three people?” Rafael said sarcastically. “Just checking.” Maddox smirked. “I’m working on it.” He said softly, pulling her in for a quick side hug. “I’m going to head back to work, fill me in when you get home.” She said before making her way towards the exit.

“So, what happened?” Maddox asked when he walked in the apartment. “The supervisor is at Bellevue, her lawyer plead guilty to manslaughter charges, her boss is doing a year, the DCS commissioner is also stepping down, and the city has appointed an outside administrative board to change the culture of DCS.” Rafael said, sitting next to her on the couch. “How hated are you for this case by city officials?” She questioned. “They aren’t exactly happy but I really don’t feel like my job is to make them happy. The only person’s opinion of me I care about is you.” He smirked. “I’m pretty happy with you.” Maddox smiled, pulling him to her lips. “Do you want to actually go out for dinner tonight?” He asked. “No, I already ordered Chinese.” She said, cuddling into his side. “Tomorrow then.” Rafael smiled as he wrapped his arm around her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode reference: Season 17, Episode 5

“You’re tense.” Maddox stated when she climbed behind Rafael on the couch after offering to rub his shoulders. “That tends to happen when you piss off most of city hall.” He sighed. “It’s only been a week. I’m sure it will blow over soon.” She said, smiling when he moaned as she dug her fingers into his shoulders. “Can we talk about your work instead?” Rafael sighed. “Sure, what about it?” She asked. “Have you heard anything about your possible promotion?” He inquired. “Only that there are some reservations about my age. I mean forget all the work I’ve done, the hours I’ve put in... I really think it has more to do with being female than my age.” Maddox huffed. “Why do you say that?” Rafael asked. “Because there isn’t a single woman in a position higher than Kevin’s in the company and the other person they are considering for the job is Adam. Not only have I been there longer and have more experience, he’s also only a year older than me which kind of negates the concern they seem to have with my age.” She replied. “Are you going to say something?” He asked. “So people can think I only got the position because I cried sexual discrimination... I’ll pass.” Maddox sighed. “But if it is sexual discrimination...” Rafael said. “You don’t get it. It wouldn’t matter if it was or wasn’t. Any authority I might have had would be diminished because the people under me would only think I got the job because the company wanted to avoid a lawsuit. If I get the job great, if not I’ll continue to do what I do... if it becomes apparent I will never move up I’ll move to a different agency.” Maddox shrugged. “I hate that you’re not excited anymore.” Rafael said, pushing his bottom lip up. “I knew better than to get my hopes up...” She sighed, pushing him to get up so they could go to bed.

“They do realize I have more experience than Adam. I started working at the small agency I interned at as soon as I graduated... at twenty... I had interned with them for a year before that. The owner of that agency used to work here and personally recommended me once he felt I outgrew his agency. I’ve been doing this for six years now, quite successfully I might add. What has Adam done besides help out on the concepts I’ve come up with.” Maddox huffed as she and Kevin sat down to eat. He had suggested they get out of the office for lunch seeing as they really hadn’t done so since she had started dating Rafael. “Seriously Maddox, stop stressing about it. They are only considering Adam so it doesn’t look like I hand picked my replacement. ” Kevin chuckled, putting air quotes around the word considering. “Are you sure?” She asked. “Positive. The jobs as good as yours.” He smiled, picking up his menu. _Kevin wouldn’t fuck with me, would he?_ “Don’t you dare fuck with me.” Maddox grinned. “You’re a little neurotic, you know that?” He laughed, “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t know something. They are telling you tomorrow.” “Seriously!” She squeaked. “Seriously.” Kevin smiled while rolling his eyes.

“You’re cooking.” Rafael said when he got home, smiling for the first time all day when Maddox turned to face him. She had an apron on, which he found rather ridiculous despite the fact that he thought she looked really cute in it, and a large grin on her face. “I am. It’s just a pesto baked rigatoni.” She replied, moving to finish cleaning the dishes that were in the sink while the dish baked in the oven. “You seem excited again.” Rafael smiled, setting his briefcase and jacket down in the nearest chair as he made his way to join her in the kitchen. “Kevin told me they’re picking me, that they’re telling me tomorrow.” Maddox said, grinning when she felt his arms wrap around her waist. “That’s fantastic. I guess your company’s not so misogynistic after all.” He said between the kisses he was planting on her neck. “It’s a step in the right direction but they are still severely lacking in females among the upper management.” She smirked, turning to face him. “You’ll just have to change that.” Rafael smiled, picking her up and sitting her on the counter she had just cleaned. “You only have twenty minutes.” Maddox chuckled, when he reached under her dress and pulled her underwear off. “Twenty minutes?” He questioned. “Nineteen now.” She smiled, gesturing to the oven timer with her eyes. “I can get you off now and maybe you can return the favor after dinner...” Rafael hummed, their eyes connecting as his fingers softly teased her between her legs. “Eighteen minutes.” Maddox smirked, quickly lifting an eyebrow at him. 

Rafael rolled his eyes and pressed his lips to hers, muffling the gasp she made when his fingers pushed into her. Maddox rested back on her elbows when he lowered himself and pulled her to the edge of the counter, her legs resting on his shoulders while he flicked his tongue against her clit. “Fuck Raf...” She moaned as he worked as though the oven timer was some kind of challenge, his fingers and tongue, swirling and sinking into her. “Jesus.” Maddox grunted, buckling forward. He sucked harder enjoying the desperation in her strained attempts to breath through the sensation flooding through her. “Please... Raf...” Maddox managed to get out, attempting to push him away. Rafael smiled as he lightened his touch, pulling back from her and bringing himself back up to kiss her. “Proud of yourself?” She chuckled when he smirked as the timer went off. “I am.” He smiled, helping her off the counter.

Maddox plated the food and met Rafael who had gone to pour them each a drink at the table. “Mind if I turn on the news? I’ve been stuck in meetings all day other than lunch, and haven’t had a chance to read much.” She asked, picking the remote up off the table next to the couch without waiting for his response. “Sure.” Rafael sighed softly, he didn’t really want to rewatch the days events, not exactly wanting to talk about it yet. Maddox didn’t notice his slight hesitation as she flipped the station to a national news network and set the remote back down before rejoining him at the table. Most of the news was political, Obama pulling troops out of Afghanistan, Clintons upcoming testimony on Benghazi, continual discussion of the numerous Republican presidential candidates... Rafael was pleased that dinner was mostly over and no mention of the police shooting had been brought up. Of course as they were cleaning the dishes the story came on. “When did this happen?” Maddox asked, moving to the couch as Rafael put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher. “Last night. I found out about it this morning.” He sighed. “They shot at him thirty five times?” She questioned, turning to him. “If you actually listen to the new anchor they’ll tell you.” He smirked. He didn’t want his mood to shift back to work, to feel all the pressure being put on him again... the stress that had somehow vanished when Maddox had turned and smiled at him when he walked in the door.

Maddox rolled her eyes and listened to the news until she got the basic gist of the story.  Rafael was still watching the panel bouncing comments back and forth, his mind back on work, when she ran her hand up his thigh as she moved to the floor in front of him. “What are you doing?” He asked, looking at her curiously. “Returning the favor.” She smiled as she unfastened his slacks. “Oh...” He smirked, adjusting himself into a better position. Maddox pulled him out, licking him before taking him in her mouth. Rafael watched her for a moment, his hand resting on her head as she bobbed on him, until the panel that was still discussing the police shooting of Terrence Reynolds pulled his thoughts back to work. “Raf?” Maddox said, pulling him back to the present. “Hmmm...” He hummed, looking down at her. “Where’d you go just now?” She asked. He was hard but not exactly responding to her the way he normally did. “Sorry... I was just thinking about the poor bastard who got stuck indicting the three cops.” He sighed, reaching for the remote and flipping the television off. “Come here.” He said, pulling her onto his lap, easing her on him as he did. “No more distractions.” Maddox smiled. “Not if we take this dress off.” Rafael smirked, pulling it over her head while she rode him. Her moans kept him with her, the case pushed aside to focus on her lips, her breast. Rafael inched himself to the edge of the couch, giving her better leverage to push from, while bringing his mouth close enough to tongue her nipple. “Fuck, Raf...” She panted, riding him harder as her climax approached. He felt her tighten around him before she collapsed against his chest. 

“You haven’t finished.” Maddox panted into his neck. “Flip over.” He ordered, fighting back a smirk when she grinned. Maddox moved so that she was on her hands and knees, her arms resting on the armrest. “Does it turn you on as much as it does me that your still basically dressed and I’m completely naked?” She asked, looking over her shoulder at him as he pushed into her. Rafael rolled his eyes and leaned forward to grip her hair, pulling her head back enough that he could whisper in her ear. “Yes, but if you keep talking I won’t be able to order you around with a straight face.” “Just fuck me Raf, I’ve gone twice, it’s your turn.” Maddox chuckled, pulling herself up enough to kiss him. “If that’s what you want.” Rafael said, shaking his head and thrusting into her, his hand still gripped tightly in her hair. Maddox was gripping the armrest by the time he finally grunted his release, his breathing heavy as he collapsed against her. Rafael moved to sit back on the couch, pulling her into his side and wrapping an arm around her as her did. 

“You seem distracted tonight.” Maddox said as she rested her head against his shoulder. “I am.” He sighed. “Why?” She asked, tracing lines down the length of his suspender. “That poor bastard stuck indicting the three cops... that’s me.” He said, making eye contact when she pulled her head off his chest to look at him. “Why you?” She asked. “The DA wants me to get back in the good graces of city hall. Everyone wants an indictment. Well, almost everyone... Liv is upset. All of NYPD is basically upset. They say they were following police procedure.” Rafael said. “Unloading their gun into someone is following procedure? It seems a bit excessive.” Maddox scoffed. “At least you see my concern.” Rafael sighed. “I don’t think I’ve seen you this stressed.” She said, pushing her bottom lip up. “It’s just... if I get an indictment NYPD hates me and if I don’t my bosses will blame me.” He shrugged. “Why’d you let me go on about my stupid promotion when you got home?” Maddox asked. “Because it’s not stupid and you looked really happy, not to mention cute in that ridiculous apron.” He smiled. “The apron is not ridiculous. I didn’t want to get anything on my dress.” She huffed. “You could have changed.” He smirked. “I suppose but this was way more fun.” Maddox chuckled. “Are you ready for bed.” Rafael asked. “Yeah. Are you ok?” She asked as they stood to head to his room. “I am.” He replied, lightly spanking her as she walked in front of him, laughing when she giggled.

“They want to see you now.” Kevin said poking his head into her cubical. “Now?” Maddox questioned. “Now.” He smirked. Maddox followed Kevin to the conference room. Joining Thomas, the Vice President of creative, Jeff, their current creative director, and Penny, the head of HR who were sitting around the table. “You’ve been with our agency for roughly three years now, correct?” Penny asked, mainly to verify that her records were accurate. She had only been hired the month prior and was still going through her predecessors haphazard filing system. “I started October 15, 2012.” Maddox stated. “Bless you.” Penny smiled as she made a note in the file. “You’re a stickler for details.” Thomas chuckled. “That and I tend to remember dates. Names... they take me a while but for some reason dates stick.” Maddox smiled. “As you know Jeff will be retiring at the end of this year and Kevin is moving up to creative director when he does. We have looked at both yours and Adams work with our agency extensively, your work seeming to stand out. You’ve led ad campaigns, organized photo shoots, talent, product, not to mention come up with some of our most effective concepts not only to sell but that have also attracted new clients to our doors. The most logical step is to offer you the art director position when it opens in January. You will have five people that report to you and will be expected to work collaboratively at times with your fellow art directors. Penny has the formal offer letter with the job description, salary, benefits... start date. Read it over, sign whether you except or decline the offer and return a copy to us by end of day Monday.” Thomas said, standing to leave. Kevin smiled at her as he and Jeff followed. “Here’s the letter.” Penny smiled, pushing the papers toward her. “Thank you.” Maddox said as she picked them up, glancing at the front page. “One is for you to keep, the other needs to be signed and returned, as Thomas said, by end of day Monday. I try to leave by six.” Penny said, standing to leave to go back to the mess of an office she was trying to organize. “If you have questions, feel free to stop by my office.” She added before exiting the conference room. Maddox smiled as she walked back to her cubical. She was half tempted to sign and return the offer right now but also kind of wanted Rafael to read it over... it seemed pretty straight forward but it was basically a contract... _It has my salary listed... Are we at a point where he should know what I make?_ Maddox thought as she stared at the number that was incredibly close to being six figures, a fairly significant increase from her current pay.

Maddox knew Rafael would be late after she and Kevin watched the news of the grand jury’s decision to indict, so she had stayed a little late at work adding buildings to the background of the sketch she was working on in her little girl series. She had stopped to pick up dinner and was making her way down the hall when she saw a man walking towards her. Instinctively, she moved as far from him as possible as they passed each other, both looking over their shoulder as they continued down the hall in the opposite directions. Maddox paused at Rafael’s door, her key already out and looked back at the man who was still watching her from the space in front of the elevator when she saw the enveloped taped to his door. “You might want to rethink whose bed you sleep in.” The man call to her before stepping on the elevator. Maddox quickly unlocked the door, taking the envelope with her as she stepped inside, locking the door behind her. She set it on the counter with the food and called Rafael. “Maddox, hi.” He said as he answered. “How late are you going to be?” She asked. “I’m about to leave, why?” Rafael questioned. He could tell from her voice that something wasn’t right. “Did you open it?” He asked after she had told him about the guy and the envelope. “No. I set it on the counter and called you.” Maddox replied. “Ok. Leave it there. I’m on my way.” Rafael said. “Please be careful.” She urged.

Maddox almost attacked him when she wrapped her arms around him as he walked in the door. “Took you long enough.” She huffed when he put his arms around her, running his hand through her hair. “I had to make a stop.” He sighed, pulling her with him as he made his way to the counter. Rafael put on the latex gloves he had picked up and opened the envelope, pulling out a white piece of paper with the words recuse yourself typed on it. Underneath was a small stack of images. Maddox watched as he flipped through pictures of the two of them in various compromising positions from the night before. “Jesus.” Rafael huffed, moving to close the curtains. He was seventeen floors up and rarely closed the curtains covering his floor to ceiling living room windows, never seeing the point before. You’d need a telephoto lens to see into his apartment. “What are you going to do?” Maddox asked when he came back over and slid the contents and the envelope itself into a ziplock bag. “Nothing.” He said. “Nothing?” She questioned. “The case has already been handed off to another prosecutor, I was only enlisted to indict. I don’t need to recuse myself.” He sighed pulling her closer. “But...” She started. “I’ve been getting little threats since yesterday. I’ve already called a few private security agencies. I’ll pick one tonight. I’m pretty sure it’s just an intimidation tactic but...” he paused and looked at her, placing his hand on her cheek, “there are some things I’m not willing to risk.” Maddox watched him take the ziplock to a drawer in his office. “You’re not taking that to the police?” She asked. “I’m almost positive it’s coming from someone within NYPD.” He huffed. 

“Did you get the promotion?” Rafael asked, pulling her to sit next to him on the couch. “I did. Why won’t you take it to Liv or the other detectives?” Maddox asked, not concerned with her offer letter anymore. She’d sign it and give it to Penny on Monday... it was straight forward enough. “They don’t agree with the indictment.” He sighed. “Yeah but they would want to know. They would discretely look into it, maybe find the person. I could describe him... He was an average size white guy.” She stated. “That’s helpful.” He smirked at her fairly generic description. “I could give more detail...” Maddox pouted playfully. “If it gets bad I will but if I can avoid the people I work with seeing pictures of you riding me completely nude with my mouth on your breast I’d prefer it.” He sighed. “So you don’t want them to know you bend me over your couch and pull my hair?” Maddox smirked. “Preferably not.” He chuckled. “You like to keep your kinks private, I get it.” She teased. “You are more salacious than I am.” Rafael countered. “No I’m not, that’s part of why we work so well together.” Maddox smiled, pulling herself to sit on his lap and kissing him. “But it’s more than just the sex?” He asked, his voice quavering slightly. “So much more,” she smiled looking at him, “I’m just saying the sex is pretty fantastic.” Rafael pressed his hands against her back and pulled her to his lips again. “You want to eat?” She asked when they lips parted. Rafael nodded, standing after she did. “Maddox, I love you.” He said, taking her hand as he pulled her back to him for a moment, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I love you too, Raf.” She smiled, looking up at him. _More than I could ever begin to try to put into words..._


	23. Chapter 23

Maddox had been on edge. Rafael refused to open the curtains when they were home, even just a little to let some sunlight in. He insisted she have the building’s security guard walk her to his apartment, at least when she came home late from work since she had argued with him about his originally idea of every time she returned to his apartment. Not to mention that he had all but refused to let her take the subway anywhere, offering up the car service he used regularly to her instead. Maddox enjoyed walking around New York, getting lost in a book as she rode the train... None of which she seemed to be _allowed_ to do anymore. She understood where he was coming from, why he was concerned, but control was not something she liked giving up... at least not outside of the bedroom and even then she knew true control was hers. One word and he’d stop... he had told her as much that first night. At least she had talked him out of hiring someone to follow her around all day... that would have been fun to explain at work. It hadn’t all been bad though, the car service had made meeting him for lunch much easier.

“Hi Maddox.” Rollins greeted when she walked in the bullpen. “Jesus, you’re huge.” Maddox blurted, when she saw her. “Thanks.” Rollins huffed. “Rafael told me to meet him here.” Maddox stated as though there would be another reason for her to stop by the precinct in the middle of the afternoon. “He’s in Liv’s office.” Rollins said, gesturing to the closed door as she not so gracefully lowered herself in her chair. “When are you due?” Maddox asked. “Mid November,” Rollins replied, unconsciously placing her hand on her belly, “you can sit.” “Thanks.” Maddox smiled, taking the seat across from Rollins desk. “Are you doing anything for Barba’s birthday?” Rollins asked. _His_ _birthday?_ “I am now. When is it?” Maddox grinned. “October twenty fourth.” Rollins chuckled, assuming from Maddox’s reaction that he hadn’t told her when his birthday was.

“Carisi, do me a favor and grab the McCrae file for me so I don’t have to get up again.” Rollins called as he, Fin, and someone Maddox hadn’t seen before entered the bullpen. “Sure thing.” Carisi smiled. “Maddox, this is Sargent Dodds. He recently joined us. Dodds, this is Maddox.” Fin said, introducing them. “It’s nice to meet you.” Dodds smiled. “What do you do here?” He added, having thought he’d been introduced to all the detectives earlier. “Nothing. I’m meeting my boyfriend for lunch.” She smiled. “Maddox is ADA Barba’s girlfriend.” Carisi interjected as he handed Rollins the file. “You’re dating Barba?” Dodds blurted, sounding a little more shocked than he intended. “It would be really interesting to find out what goes on in that moment when someone looks at you and comes to all sorts of conclusions.” Maddox smiled, enjoying the fact that she both finally got to use the Malcolm Gladwell quote and that she made Dodds turn a little pink in the process. “Sorry... I didn’t mean...” Dodds stammered. “I’m only screwing with you,” Maddox chuckled, “I mean I’ve been dying to use that quote but I’m also aware of our age difference.” _Not_ _that_ _I_ _notice_ _it_ _unless_ _someone_ _else_ _brings_ _it_ _up_... “He’s just... kind of ornery. I didn’t expect him to be in a relationship, let alone with...” Dodds stopped himself as he glanced at her thinking better of finishing his thought. “I wouldn’t describe him as ill tempered... he’s actually quite charming and considerate.” Maddox said. “Are you talking about the same Barba we know?” Carisi quipped. “I can only speak to the Rafael I know.” Maddox replied. “Nick said you described him as demanding.” Rollins smiled. “Can he not be all three?” Maddox smirked.

“All three what? I assume you’re talking about me.” Rafael asked. He had exited Liv’s office at some point and both of them had joined the small group gathered at Rollins desk. “Charming, considerate, and demanding.” Maddox smiled, standing to meet him. “You do realize considerate and demanding contradict the other?” Rafael teased, his hand resting on her hip as he absentmindedly put his arm around her. “And yet somehow you manage.” Maddox smiled. “And now I’m going to be sick.” Rollins said, rolling her eyes. “Are you still having morning sickness?” Maddox asked, turning her attention back to Rollins. “No.” Rollins chuckled. Rafael rolled his eyes as Maddox chuckled with her. “Maddox, can I borrow you for a minute?” Liv asked. “Sure.” Maddox replied, patting Rafael’s stomach lightly before following Liv into her office.

“I wanted to apologize again for digging into your past the way I did. I really just intended to make sure Rafael had nothing to worry about. I didn’t actually expect to find anything, especially not as easily as I did.” Liv said as the sat in her office. “Do you still have reservations about me?” Maddox asked. “No. He’s been so on edge and stressed lately... we all have, but the way his demeanor changed the moment he stepped out of my office and saw you sitting at Rollins desk tells me everything I need to know... at least about how he feels.” Liv smiled. “I don’t have secrets from Raf. I never have. That doesn’t mean he knows every little detail about me, but if he’s asked or something has come up... he knows.” Maddox said. “I get that now.” Liv said. “Do you have feelings for him?” Maddox asked bluntly. “I may have toyed with the thought at one point but I can assure you I don’t. I do however consider him a close friend. I know that it was my mistake but I was hoping maybe we could move passed it.” Liv offered. “We will...” Maddox said pausing briefly before continuing, “I didn’t have the easiest childhood and it takes a lot for me to trust someone but I rarely hold a grudge for long.” “I’m not sure that answered anything.” Liv stated. “I will put forth an effort because you’re are important to Rafael but it may take some time before I feel completely comfortable.” Maddox replied. “Oh... ok.” Liv said, resting her chin on her hand as she chewed on her lower lip. “If it helps I really don’t think about it, or care... The fact that you felt the need to do it was insulting but other than that I never really cared. The file wasn’t really about me anyway... mostly my parents, well my mom... or a time in my life I had no say in.” Maddox sighed. “I am sorry.” Liv said. “I know.” Maddox smiled.

“If she doesn’t work here why did Liv pull her into her office?” Dodds asked, sensing that something was off. “Liv wanted to apologize to her.” Rafael stated, glancing back to Liv’s closed door. He knew Maddox didn’t really care anymore... or at least didn’t mention it, but he wasn’t sure how she’d react to it being brought up again. “What could Liv have to apologize for? They barely even speak.” Carisi said. “Maybe whatever it is is why they don’t speak.” Fin stated. “Back during the Heather Manning case Maddox seemed upset with Liv... Has she been upset this whole time?” Rollins asked, her eyes becoming larger and the corners of her lips twitching up. “I don’t think she’s upset anymore.” Rafael answered, though he wasn’t sure... they never talked about the file. “What’d Liv do?” Carisi asked. Rafael glanced at Dodds, knowing who his father was and thought better of even hinting at the fact that Liv had used NYPD resources to pry into Maddox’s past. “You’d have to ask Liv.” He replied instead, smiling when Maddox and Liv emerged from her office, both laughing about something. “I guess they worked it out.” Dodds stated.

“Are you and Liv good?” Rafael asked as they walked to a nearby restaurant. “We will be. I’m not upset anymore, it’s not like it changed anything about how you felt about me, but I wouldn’t say I completely trust her.” Maddox replied. _Even_ _if_ _she_ _only_ _toyed_ _with_ _the_ _idea_ _of_ _liking_ _you_... She had appreciated the honesty but it hadn’t exactly put her mind at ease. What did _toy_ _with_ _the_ _idea_ mean anyway? “It did though.” He said. “It did what?” She questioned. “That file, or at least the presence of the file changed so much about how I felt towards you.” He replied. “Oh...” Maddox uttered, looking a little dejected. “Change isn’t the right word... sentient, maybe...” Rafael thought out loud as he tired to figure out how to word what he was trying to say. _Sentient?_ _Conscious_... _no_ _consciousness_ , _the_ _conscious_ _mind_... _cognizant_... She thought as she wracked through her understanding of the word. _Oh_... “It didn’t change how I felt but made me realize how deeply I felt,” Rafael continued, “My reaction to your father... I haven’t punched anyone in over twenty years, ironically enough that being my own father. The anger that stirred in one false statement from him made me react in a way I never thought I would in my adult life. That wouldn’t have happened without that file. Your reaction initially, when you thought something had happened to your mother, how you reacted after you realized what it was. The blame, not placed on me, never placed on me... you had the ability to stay calm and rational and while I hated that you and Liv had this rift between you, she put it there, not you. At lunch when you offered me the file to read, no hesitation, even though I knew for a fact you hadn’t even looked at it yourself to know what it contained. And then while I watch youshred its contents... I almost told you I loved you that night, and probably would have if I hadn’t thought I was completely crazy for even thinking it two months in.” “If it helps, I was thinking it too.” Maddox smiled. “Are you heading back to work after we eat?” He asked as they approached the restaurant. “No, since we decided not to eat until three I took the rest of the afternoon off but I told my mom and Molly I’d stop by for a bit.” She replied. “Ok...” Rafael almost pouted, “you’re taking the car service to Chelsea?” “I am.” Maddox smiled.

“What time does my mom get off?” Maddox asked as she and Molly enjoyed a cup of coffee on her terrace. “She should be home by six.” Molly smiled. “How’s she doing?” Maddox asked. “Actually really well. I’ve never seen her this much like her old self, the sister I remember from when you were a baby.” Molly smiled. “When exactly did she start using? I can never remember, all I know is it wasn’t while she was pregnant with me.” Maddox inquired. “I think sometime around your fifth birthday, or else that’s when I first noticed it. She showed up at our parents house for your party but she didn’t seem right and she had brought this guy with her that our parents immediately hated. After that she just seemed to continually get worse. She’d leave you with us for weeks on end and when she hung around long enough to actually talk to us it was like her thoughts were all over the place. Nothing she said seemed to make sense.” Molly replied. “Did grandma and grandpa mind that she left me there?” Maddox asked hesitantly, they had died when she was young but she had only good memories of them. “Of course not. They filed DCS reports multiple times, trying to get custody of you from Megan. The main reason DCS finally took custody away from her when she OD’d is because of all the reports they had filed.” Molly said. “If only they had still been alive...” Maddox sighed. “You can’t think like that.” Molly stated. “I know. Everything I’ve been through is a part of who I am. I don’t think I’d be nearly as artistic as I am without it.” Maddox sighed again. “Then you would have had to had majored in something else.” Molly said. “Like what? Finance, like you?” Maddox chuckled. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with majoring in finance.” Molly smirked. “No, but then I wouldn’t have met Jesse...” Maddox said softly, staring off a bit as she thought. “And no Jesse means no Rafael.” Molly added, saying the thought she knew was going through Maddox’s head. “And this is why I like to look forward, rationalizing the past is just too fucked up.” Maddox said, forcing a smile. Molly didn’t say anything, merely watched Maddox for a moment. She thought Maddox was still thinking about her past, how things had worked out over the years but she wasn’t. Maddox had a Lawrence Arms song playing in her head, one she had all but used as a mantra in her late teens. _Don’t_ _recreate_ _the_ _scene_. _Or_ _reinvent_ _the_ _meanings_. _Cause_ _all_ _that_ _shit_ _it_ _means_ _nothing_ , _you_ _just_ _take_ _it_ _as_ _it_ _comes_ _and_ _let_ _it_ _all_ _fade_ _away_. _So_ _it_ goes, _so_ _it_ _goes_... Picking out the lines that suited her best for any given moment, this one particularly resonating for her as she worked through a lot of things from before she had moved in with Molly. “You ok?” Molly asked. “I’m good.” Maddox smiled, a smile that turned into a grin when she saw her mother walk out on the terrace to join them while wearing a short sleeve shirt. She couldn’t remember the last time that Megan had worn one, even in summer she had always had her arms covered.

“Hi mami.” Rafael muttered sleepily as he answered his phone. Maddox smiled when she realized his mom was calling to tell him happy birthday, also humored by the fact that he was doing a pretty good job of not letting her know that. She rolled her eyes as Rafael continued to give his mother monosyllabic responses and moved her attention a little lower. Rafael had been so focused on not letting Maddox know it was his birthday that he didn’t notice what she was doing until Maddox gently tongued him. “Hang on mami.” Rafael huffed, pulling the phone away as he looked down at Maddox, who merely smiled back at him before placing him in her mouth. “Let me call you back?” He huffed, getting off the phone rather quickly, a skill he had mastered over the years thanks to the constant interruptions from his job. “You couldn’t have waited five minutes?” He grumbled, relaxing as he gave into what she was doing. Who was he to object if she had decided randomly to give him head on his birthday. Maddox sucked and bobbed until he was on the edge. He had thought she’d get him hard and then they’d move onto a more mutually enjoyable activity but she seemed set on pleasing him. It was moments after he grunted his release, and Maddox smiled up at him, that he realized she knew. “Who told you?” He panted, when she curled against him. “Amanda,” She smiled, “I can’t believe you weren’t going to tell me.” “How does Amanda know?” He huffed. “So exactly how much teasing do I get to do about you turning forty?” Maddox smirked. “Preferably none.” He sighed. _Ha! He_ _upset_ _he’s_ _turning_ _forty_. “You do realize it’s just a number.” Maddox chuckled. “Yes but yesterday you were in your twenties and I was in my thirties and today you’re in your twenties and I’m in my forties.” Rafael grumbled. “And in five years I’ll be in my thirties and you’ll be in your forties... and that’ll last for five years and then the cycle will repeat with me in my forties and you in your fifties and so forth. So why don’t you just enjoy me in my twenties while you have the opportunity.” Maddox smiled. “When you put it that way...” Rafael smirked, rolling himself on top of her. “What do you want to do for your birthday?” Maddox asked, giggling when he started to kiss down her neck and chest. “The same thing we did for your birthday.” He smiled before gently tugging her nipple into his mouth. “Ok but I get to pay for dinner when we go out.” Maddox smiled, watching him kiss down her torso. “That’s fine. Do you still have that outfit?” Rafael asked, cocking an eyebrow as he looked up at her. “I do.” She chuckled. “Maybe we order in then.” He smiled. “You just want to have sex all day.” She smiled. “Maybe not all day.” Rafael smirked. “You’re just lucky your birthday landed on a Saturday.” Maddox chuckled, at least until her voice hitched when tongued her.


	24. Chapter 24

“Thanks for agreeing to meet this girl with me. She was extremely vague over the phone but made it very clear she wanted to know how both the police would handle her case and what would happen if it went to trial.” Liv said to Rafael as he met her at the precinct. “It’s fine. Why did she want to meet after five?” He asked. “She’s in school all day, this was the easiest time for her.” Liv replied. “Something new from Hudson?” Rafael asked, lifting a brow. “I don’t think so. She didn’t go into to details on the phone but from the way she spoke I get the feeling whatever it is happened when she was younger.” Liv said. “Ok,” Rafael exhaled, “I told Maddox to meet me here after she got through with work, but she wont mind waiting if the meeting runs long. She’s been complaining about not having extra time to read lately anyway.” Her complaints were mostly that she didn’t get to read as much now that she didn’t get to take the train anymore but that would have required an explanation that he wasn’t ready to give. “How long have you two been together now?” She asked. “Working on eleven months.” He grinned. “Stop looking so happy, it’s concerning.” Liv chuckled, the light moment interrupted when a young brunette entered the bullpen.

She couldn’t have been more than twenty but looked as though she was barely old enough to drive. “I’m looking for Olivia Benson.” She said as Liv approached her. “I’m Olivia Benson.” Liv replied. “We spoke on the phone earlier.” The girl said flatly, not wanting to go into more detail as she glanced around the busy bullpen. “Yes, my office is this way.” Liv said gesturing for her to follow. “This is our ADA, Rafael Barba. I asked him to join us to answer any questions you may have about a trial.” Liv said as she shut the door to her office. “That’s helpful...” The girls stated, nervously tapping her fingers on the armrest of the chair. “Can I get your name?” Liv asked. “Uh... Is it ok if this stays more hypothetical? I really just want to get an idea of whether this is even worth acting on. I’d prefer not to give my name unless I decide to actually press charges.” The girl replied. “That’s fine.” Liv nodded. “Ok...” the girl exhaled before beginning. “There’s a friend of my family. I’ve known him my whole life it seems... He’s one of my fathers best friends...” She was restating herself as she hesitated on getting to the reason she was there, having never actually said it out loud, faltering now with two strangers in the room. “When I was younger he did things... to me.” “How old were you?” Liv asked softly, trying to help her tell her story. “It started when I was thirteen, maybe... I’ve been taking an intro to psychology class and it’s been bringing back all sorts of memories... I think he was grooming me for years before.” The girl sighed. “When did it stop?” Liv asked, jotting down a few notes. “When I moved into the dorm at my college. I rarely go home anymore, but with the holidays coming up I will have to and I know he will be there. He was last year and I managed but it was hard to avoid him.” She said. “How old are you?” Rafael asked. “Nineteen.” She replied and he nodded as he thought.

“You said he did things to you?” Liv questioned. “Yes. He used to spend a lot of time with me and always seemed interested in what I was interested in. One night he came by the house when my parents were at a lacrosse game my older brother was playing in and I was home alone. I didn’t think anything of it when I let him in... We talked for a bit and then he pinned me on the couch and...” She trailed off. “He raped you.” Liv said for her and she nodded. “After that it just kind of became this thing we did. Lines were blurred. I never really wanted to but I didn’t know how to say no. I’m not sure I ever said no I was so confused by what was happening.” She said. “You moved out of your parents when you were how old?” Rafael asked, trying to get a timeline of how long this took place. “I turned seventeen the summer before I started college. I graduated early hoping to get out of the house sooner. It had become less frequent as I got older and wasn’t home as much but he still came around.” She replied. “Are you wanting to press charges?” Liv asked. “I’m not sure. I want to be able to go home without fear of seeing him but I also don’t want my life torn inside out for nothing.” She sighed. “We could look into him, find out if he’s done this before, anything to help support your claims.” Liv said. “I’m almost positive he’s done it before.” She scoffed. “Why do you say that?” Liv asked. “Just a hunch.” She shrugged. “You’re definitely within the statue of limitations to press charges but it will be a challenge to actually prove... he said, she said always are.” Rafael sighed. He wasn’t trying to talk her out of pressing charges, he just wanted to be honest with her. “But we can see what we can find to corroborate your claims before you decide.” Liv added while giving Rafael a small glare. “I have a video. I set up an old phone to record with in my room for a while. It only happened once while it was up and the video isn’t great. You can tell who we are but you can’t tell how old I am and while I don’t exactly reciprocate I never say actually say no.” She sighed. “Do you consent?” Rafael asked, if she hadn’t that was something he could work with. “No... I don’t say much of anything.” She sighed. “Is it time and date stamped?” Liv asked. “I have no idea.” The girl replied. “If it is, that might be enough. We can find out.” Liv suggested. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She said as she stood.

Maddox was sitting at Rollins desk when they emerged from Liv’s office. “Thank you both for your input. I need to think it over but if I decide to pursue something I’ll be in touch.” The girl said. “Here’s my card, feel free to call anytime.” Liv said handing her the small piece of card stock. Maddox turned and watched as the girl got closer, her stomach dropping as her sister’s eyes met hers. “Susan?” Sydney blurted. “Sydney, hi.” Maddox replied, standing to move towards her. “You work here?” Sydney questioned, noticing how comfortable Maddox seemed with the detective she had been talking to. “No, I’m meeting someone for dinner. What are you doing here?” Maddox asked. “Like you don’t know.” Sydney huffed. “Actually, I don’t.” Maddox said. “I know he did the same thing to you. That’s why you left?” Sydney snapped. “Who?” Maddox questioned. She knew who, or at least she feared she knew who... “You left and he moved onto me. You could have just stayed. I mean your life was already fucked up... at least maybe he would have left me alone.” Sydney barked. “Excuse me!” Maddox fumed, “What, I was just supposed to stick around and let him do whatever he wanted to me so you could continue to live your perfect little life? How was I supposed to know he’d move onto you. Dad would kill him if he knew he did anything to you.” “Like I could ever tell dad.” Sydney grumbled. “You should, you’re the daughter he actually wanted.” Maddox huffed. “He was always nice to you.” Sydney countered. “Sure...” Maddox said, rolling her eyes. “You could have at least told him. Maybe he would have kept Paul out of the house, away from me.” Sydney chastised. “I should have told him?” Maddox scoffed, “Look I get you want to place blame somewhere but your perfect father knew. I screamed for help. Paul didn’t even bother to stop me, he knew no one cared. When dad opened the door to my room I begged, pleaded for him to help me but he just looked at me like I was nothing and left. Then, as if what happened hadn’t been bad enough, both he and your mother basically called me whore the next day. That’s when I left, so if you want to blame someone blame him, but don’t you dare put fault on me for getting myself out of the most horrific environment I’ve ever lived in. I’m sorry that he hurt you but I had to leave.” Maddox fought back the tears that were threatening as she looked around the bullpen... at all the eyes staring at her. _Great_... “You ok, Maddox?” Rafael asked, pulling her gaze to his. “I will be.” She sighed, making her way to his arms. “He’s who you were meeting for dinner?” Sydney asked. “What does it matter to you?” Maddox huffed. “It doesn’t.” Sydney said softly, turning to leave. “Syd...” Maddox exhaled. “Yes.” Sydney sighed. “I’m sorry.” Maddox said. “It’s not your fault.” Sydney replied before leaving the bullpen. “Can I talk to both of you?” Liv asked, turning to Rafael and Maddox. “That’s up to you.” Rafael said when Maddox looked at him. “Fine.” She sighed, following Liv into her office with Rafael right behind her.

“That was your sister?” Liv asked. “Half sister. She’s Arther Feldmans daughter.” Maddox replied. “And she’s nineteen?” Rafael questioned. “She’s around six years younger than me so I guess. We were never exactly close.” Maddox said. “Ok...” Liv paused for a moment before continuing. “Who is Paul?” “Paul Owens. My father’s campaign manager.” Maddox sighed. “Ok...” Liv exhaled as she wrote something down. “Don’t do anything unless she ask you to.” Maddox cautioned. “We would only do a preliminary search, nothing invasive.” Liv replied. “It wouldn’t matter. My dad would find out. He always does... and he would assume if it came from anyone connected to Rafael that it was because of me.” Maddox huffed. “And that would be a bad thing?” Liv questioned. “If Rafael likes his career and you like yours,” Maddox sighed, “My father is extremely powerful and could careless about me. If Sydney talks to him he will probably be supportive, but my advice if she does decide to come forward would be to talk to him before you investigate. Make sure he knows why you’re digging into Paul.” “Can I ask what happened to you?” Liv inquired. _Preferably_ _not_... Maddox looked at Rafael who was sitting in the chair next to her. “It’s your choice. It wont be admissible in court so you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Rafael said. “It could help with our investigation.” Liv noted. “Not really. There’s no report of it anywhere except with her therapist and the details aren’t that much different than Sydney’s.” Rafael replied. “Your father witnessed it?” Liv asked, a sadness in her eyes Maddox hadn’t expected. “Yes, but if you think he’ll admit to that...” Maddox pushed her bottom lip up and shrugged. “And that’s why you hit him that day in my office?” Liv questioned turning to Rafael who merely nodded. “Can I ask how long he... was it more than once with Sydney?” Maddox questioned. Rafael closed his eyes and bit his lower lip as he exhaled which was enough of an answer for Maddox. “Why would you ask if it happened more than once?” Liv asked. “Because after...” Maddox closed her eyes and exhaled, “ he said next time would be better for me. I didn’t stick around to see if he’d be back. I went to live with Molly the next day.” “How old were you?” Liv asked. “Fourteen... Please don’t do anything unless Sydney ask you to.” Maddox urged as she watched Liv scribble something else down. “Ok.” Liv nodded.

Rafael took her hand as they left Liv’s office, Rollins and Carisi looking up from her desk as he helped her with some details on the file she had open. Fin and Dodds looking up from their respective desk... All eyes on the two of them as they left. _Do_ _they_ _have_ _to_ _stare_... “You’d think they’d have a little more tact working in SVU.” Maddox muttered when the elevator door closed. “I think it’s more to do with the verbal display between you and your sister than what happened.” Rafael said. “She’s not my sister.” Maddox huffed. She hated what had happened to her, but even when she lived in her fathers home she hadn’t been allowed to interact much with her half siblings. Like she was going to have some kind of negative influence on them or worse... they might get along. Rafael stood quietly next to her, still holding her hand as the elevator door opened. “Do you mind if we get takeout instead? I don’t exactly feel like being around people right now.” Maddox asked, wrapping her coat tighter when the cold air hit her as they exited the building. “That’s fine.” He said, smiling softly when she looked back at him.

Maddox barely ate anything. Rafael watched as she quietly pushed the food around her plate before moving to the couch and pulling a small sketchbook and pencil from her bag. He had never seen her like this, not even when they had run into Paul at the Gala and she had told him what happened in much greater detail than she had dared today. “What are you working on?” He asked, pleasantly surprised when she moved so that she could lean against him when he sat down. “An idea I have for this series I’m working on. I just want to get a rough sketch outlined so I don’t forget.” She replied. “That’s a rough sketch?” He said, smiling at the detail she was putting into it. “One day I’ll show the finished ones.” Maddox smiled. “Why not today?” He asked. “I’m not quite ready.” She stated. She had shown them to Kevin but he had no idea how personal they were... that it was her life, Rafael would. “When you’re ready then.” He smiled. “Definitely.” Maddox replied.

“Are you ok?” Rafael asked after he had watched her sketch for a bit. “I’m fine...” she sighed, looking up at him, “I hate that I went from being your girlfriend to a becoming a victim in less than ten minutes but I’m fine.” “They don’t think of you as a victim.” He assured her. “Did you not see their faces as we left?” She scoffed. He couldn’t argue with her, they had stared at her with the same sad eyes he’d seen reserved for survivors of some of the more heinous cases they’d worked, but he had assumed that was mostly because of how her father had behaved. “Everyone has their own past and I promise you each of them will treat you no different than before next time you see them.” Rafael smiled. He meant that. He could tell her about Liv’s father, or the countless times her own life had been in jeopardy, or Amanda’s former Captain... but they weren’t his stories to tell. She would just have to trust him on this. “Is it ok if that’s a while from now?” She sighed. “It is, but the longer you avoid being around them the more awkward you’ll make it for yourself.” He replied. Maddox rolled her eyes and snuggled against him. “What do you want Sydney to choose?” He asked after a bit. “Selfishly I want her to decide to do nothing so things can go back to normal, but I can’t help but think that if he did it to her too, has he done it to others or will he do it again... I don’t want anyone else hurt... Is it wrong if I hope to be left out of it?” She asked. “I don’t see how you could be a part of it anyway... at least not if it goes to trial.” Rafael replied, pulling her closer.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode Reference: Season 17 Episode 9

“Liv’s not doing anything with the information Sydney brought her is she?” Maddox asked as they got ready for work. “I doubt it. She’s been so busy with the two moms from the Hodda case I don’t think she’d have time.” Rafael replied, adjusting his tie in the mirror. “Good.” She exhaled. “You’re really worried your dad would do something if she did?” He asked, fighting back a grin as she stood with her hair and makeup done, but in only her bra and underwear searching for the dress she wanted out of his closet. “You haven’t seen him destroy careers, I have. You know that show House of Cards?” She questioned, slipping the dress on. “You’re comparing your father to that Underwood guy?” Rafael asked, lifting and eyebrow. “Do I think he’s ever pushed someone in front of a subway train... no. Do I think he’s capable of it? That’s a different question.” Maddox sighed, pulling her hair aside so Rafael could zip the dress for her. “Come on, no one’s truly capable of that. It’s a television show.” He smiled. “You’re going to court today so a man can plead guilty to molesting and murdering little boys and you don’t think someone’s capable of doing unthinkable things to protect the powerful career they have created for themselves?” Maddox scoffed. “That’s it, I’m hiring security.” He huffed. “No, don’t. He’s not really that extreme, I’ve only known him to destroy careers and if Liv isn’t prying then we have nothing to worry about.” She smiled, giving him a kiss before they both left for work.

Maddox had returned to Rafael’s apartment to find it empty most nights that week. Hodda backing out of the plea deal meant the case had gone to trial and she could tell from the whiskey on his breath when he did finally make it home that it wasn’t going as well as he’d like. Tonight she decided to stay late at work and sketch a bit. Rafael would disapprove of her staying late unnecessarily but she’d have Roger, the building’s security guard, walk her up when she got home and her work was less than two blocks to his apartment. She pulled up her newest sketch. The girl, which she had purposefully left out of the rough sketch Rafael had watched her draw, was sitting at the far end of a table with a small family happily laughing and talking at the other end. Despite the table being exaggerated, the sketch had every detail she could remember from her fathers home, from the textured wallpaper to the table setting. The tapered candles that were only lit when company was present, the chandelier... even the clothing each of them had worn her last meal there. The glimmer of hope... a small suitcase sitting by the girls chair. Maddox had thought she’d drawn the piece for this, but after running into Sydney she realized what Paul did and how they treated her were two different events. This being more of a summation of her two years spent living with her father’s family.

“You’re late.” Rafael huffed when she entered his apartment. “Roger walked me up.” Maddox smiled. “New project at work?” He asked, calming himself, it wasn’t her he was upset with. “I wanted to get a little drawing done using some equipment at work. I lost track of time.” She replied, hoping he’d let it go. “As long as you’re careful.” He smiled. “How was today?” Maddox asked, sitting next to him on the couch. “Well, the bright side is Carisi might make a decent lawyer...” He huffed. “The trial isn’t going so well then?” She asked. “Liv’s taking things personally, which I get, this stretches back to the first case she worked at SVU, but her attitude today... At least she got it together when she testified. Then, to top it off, Lisa used my own cross of Hodda to build up her defense with Huang.” Rafael grumbled. “Lisa?” Maddox questioned. “Lisa Hassler, the defense attorney.” He clarified. “You know her well enough to call her Lisa?” She asked, lifting a brow. “We dated in law school.” Now wasn’t exactly the best time to mention it, but just saying they went to law school together felt like a lie of omission and he wouldn’t do that to her. “Is she pretty?” Maddox smirked. “Not as pretty as you.” He replied, smiling when she rolled her eyes. “The jury will see that that Hodda guy is evil.” She assured him, changing the subject back to the trial. “We’ll see...” He huffed. “Do you need to work out a little aggression?” She asked, lifting her brows at him a couple times. “Aggression?” He questioned. “Or stress... whichever.” Maddox smiled. “You’ll let me know if it’s too much?” He smirked. “I will.” Maddox promised, taking his hand as she pulled him into his bedroom.

“Come here.” Rafael smirked pulling her to him. Maddox smiled as his lips crashed against hers, his arms pulling her tighter. A soft yelp escaped her when he not so gently bit her lip before moving his kisses to her neck and shoulders. “Can I...” She whispered, reaching between them to unfasten his pants. _Why_ _am_ _I_ _worked_ _up_ _already?_ He had only kissed her... “You can.” He breathed, leaning back slightly to look down at her. Maddox fought back a smile as she tugged his slacks tighter to unbutton them. Rafael pressed her head into his shoulder, groaning softly when she stroked him. He forced her head back and kissed her again, walking her backwards toward his bed. “Turn around.” He ordered, brushing her hair off her neck when she did. His hands slowly tugging the zipper of her dress down, pushing it off her shoulders, and letting it fall to the floor. Maddox kicked the dress aside and started to step out of her heals when he stoped her. “Leave them.” Rafael grunted, pulling her head back so she’d look at him. “Ok.” She breathed, her eyes locking with his. He really didn’t care about the shoes, it was more for the game they were playing... She liked giving up control and he enjoyed taking it. _Fuck_ , _he_ _still_ _hasn’t_ _done_ _anything_... She thought as she felt her pulse quicken.“Pull these down and spread you legs.” He ordered, snapping the elastic of her underwear against her skin. Maddox bit her lip to prevent the smile that threatened and did what he asked. “Jesus.” She gasped, bracing herself on his bed when his fingers pushed into her. He didn’t ask if she was ok, trusting that she’d tell him if she wasn’t. “Fuck.” She panted as he continued to bury his fingers within her, curling them purposefully. Maddox jerked and bucked against him, her hands gripping the bedspread. “Raf...” She moaned as she collapsed against the bed, her body shuddering.

“Up.” He commanded, removing his hand from her. Maddox pulled herself back to her hands, her breathing heavy. Rafael smirked when he noticed her legs tremble as he stepped closer to her. Slowly he eased himself inside her, holding himself fully sheathed as he slipped her bra off. He pulled almost completely out, causing her to gasp when he rammed back into her. Soon, Maddox was no longer able to support herself on her arms, instead opting to lay over the edge of his bed as he pounded into her.She knew she’d have light bruising from where his hands were gripped tightly on her hips, but at the moment that didn’t concern her. Rafael watched her hand clench the bedspread again... her lips parting before she buried her face in the mattress, muffling the moan escaping her. Her body seemed to curl inward before it began to jerk again, he slowed his thrust once he felt her tighten and her body begin to relax. “On the bed.” He ordered, smacking her ass when she didn’t initially comply. He hadn’t given her anytime to recover and it took more effort than she expected to crawl on the bed. So much so that her upper body collapsed back against it once she did. Rafael had to stifle a chuckle at the sight of her, half spent in front of him. He considered taking pity on her but this had been her suggestion, and the look on her face didn’t seem to indicate she had changed her mind. “I want you against the headboard.” He purred, lifting her upper half off the bed. Maddox’s body seemed to be working against her as she crawled to the headboard and pulled herself up. Rafael removed the underwear still trapped around one of her legs, tossing them in the floor next to the shoes that had never made it off the ground, and moved behind her again. He was more gentle this time when he pushed inside her, building the intensity slowly to give her some time to breath. “Fuck...” Maddox groaned, pushing back against him. “Too much?” He asked, not bothering to slow unless she told him him to. “No... Fuck... No.” She panted, white knuckling the headboard as the familiar sensation began again. Her back arched and her head pushed back against his shoulder. She was so unstable at that point she had to stretch her right arm back, gripping the back of his neck to keep from collapsing. The position made it possible for Rafael to press his lips to hers as he continued to thrust through her orgasm. “My god.” Maddox panted as he held her tightly in his arms. _I_ _feel_ _thoroughly_ _used_... _but_ _in_ _a_ _good_ _way_... _Jesus_ , _that_ _doesn’t_ _even_ _make_ _sense_... “You ok?” Rafael asked, half afraid she’d collapse if he let go of her. “Yeah, I’m good.” She smiled, kissing him again.

Rafael quickly stripped what remained of his work close and crawled back in bed next to her. “Wait, did you finish?” Maddox asked realizing she hadn’t even noticed. “I did,” he chuckled, “during your last orgasm.” “Ok.” She smirked, looking up at him. “I love you.” Rafael smiled, kissing the top of her head as she rested her head on his chest. “Love you too.” Maddox replied, gently squeezing him. _Seriously_... _don’t_ _ask_... Maddox thought to herself as her mind drifted back to Hassler. “What is it?” Rafael questioned, noticing her looking more pensive than moments prior. “Is she one of the ones you loved?” She asked. “Who?” He questioned not even thinking about Hassler or the trial anymore. “The defense attorney you used to date.” Maddox clarified. “Not even close.” He chuckled. “But she’s included in the number you dated?” She asked, feeling suddenly self conscious. “Yes...” he answered. “Did she love you?” Maddox asked. “I doubt it.” He replied. She opened her mouth to speak again when Rafael interrupted. “Maddox, the only woman I want to think about right now, and possible ever again, is the one laying naked in my arms.” “Fine.” She huffed while smiling up at him.

The jury was taking forever to come back with a verdict and Rafael seemed to spend his days in court listening to the court reporter reread different testimonies. Considering Thanksgiving was quickly approaching and holiday advertising is completed months in advance, Maddox’s day had been pretty slow at work. “Can you meet for a late lunch, early dinner? Maybe four thirty.” She texted, hoping he would be out of court by then. He had just sat down in the courtroom when he responded that that should be fine and had almost forgotten when he noticed her enter the building as he left the small room used for private conversations with Carisi and Hassler. “Maddox.” He called, catching her before she made it to the elevator. “And to think I was going to see if you were still single after the trial.” Hassler chuckled, eliciting a curious look from Carisi. “We wouldn’t last a week.” Rafael quipped. “I only wanted a night. If I recall, that was the best part anyway.” She smirked. Rafael rolled his eyes at the face Carisi was making as Hassler left walking passed Maddox when she did. “So that’s your ex?” Maddox asked, smiling as she approached them. “Still jealous?” He teased. “No.” She smirked. “We can still do dinner but it will have to be a little later. I just worked out a plea and need to meet with Liv and Senora Rodriguez to let them know.” Rafael sighed. “That’s fine. I’ll go hang out with Molly until you’re ready. We can eat in Chelsea.” She smiled. “She’d be jealous if she saw the conversation I just witnessed.” Carisi said after Maddox got far enough away that she couldn’t hear him. “Hassler said herself, _if_ I were single... I’m very much attached.” Rafael smirked. “That’s not the conversation I was referring to.” Carisi stated. He was talking about the conversation they had had while working out the plea deal. The subtle looks and body language that had truthfully just been an indication that they had been closer at one time. A familiarity brought back from the mock trials they were pitted against each other in, long nights spent studying and whatever else had happened while they had, however briefly, dated. “Believe me, Hassler has nothing on Maddox.” Rafael smirked.

Work had been slow again the next day and Maddox ended up spending the majority of the late afternoon sketching. She was about to pack up and head home when Rafael texted that the jury had deadlocked, the deal was off, and that he would joining Liv and Senora Rodriguez at vigil for Hector that evening. She begged off when he invited her to join them, not having actually met Senora Rodriguez and having only heard about what happened second hand. She felt it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to go and instead opted to stay at work and sketch a little longer. It was close to nine when she left. Maddox had almost made it to Rafael’s building when she heard her name... not Maddox but Susan. She froze, turning slowly to find her father and Paul standing mere feet from her. “Arther.” She replied, not bothering to even acknowledge Paul. “What do you think you’re doing?” Arther asked. “Walking home.” Maddox replied. “Don’t play innocent.” Arther snapped. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She said. “Why is that Lieutenant looking into Paul? If you think anyone is going to believe you after all these years... that anyone would believe you over me... You’re delusional.” Arther warned. “I could care less about you, either of you. I have nothing to do with whatever is happening.” Maddox stated, uncomfortably aware of how close Paul had moved to her. “Tell her to back off. Tell her you changed your mind. It was a lie. Whatever you have to do... Half of your boyfriends job is playing politics. No one does that better than I do.” Arther threatened. “Do you even know how old I am? I couldn’t press charges if I wanted to, which I don’t. I just want to live my life and never see either of you again.” Maddox barked, recoiling when Paul placed his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t touch me.” She hissed. “You’re still so beautiful.” Paul smiled, ignoring her request as he ran his hand along her cheek, using one arm to hold her in place. _What_ _kind_ _of_ _person_ _lets_ _someone_ _like_ _this_ _around_ _their_ _family_... Paul had never been this direct when she was living with her father, but from Arther’s lack of reaction it seemed not to be a new behavior. “So you didn’t mention anything?” Arther questioned. _Not_ _intentionally_... “No. Maybe you should ask Paul who else might have.” Maddox cringed, pulling away from him when she felt his breath on her neck. He had moved behind her and had gently brushed her hair to one side. “Paul!” Arther snapped, when he started to pull her back to him. “Are we done?” Maddox asked. “For now.” Arther stated. She made her way into Rafael’s building grimly aware of them watching her.

“What’s the matter?” Rafael asked when he finally got home. Maddox was sitting on the floor in the corner of his bedroom with her legs pulled up in front of her slightly rocking. She didn’t say anything when she looked up at him, her eyes red from crying and he noticed her hair was wet. She rarely took a shower in the evening. “Maddox?” He questioned, climbing down to sit next to her on the floor. “Liv is investigating. My father, Paul... They knew I’d be here. He has no clue about Sydney.” Rafael tried to make sense of her sentences. He knew what she was referencing but not sure why it caused this reaction tonight. “I still don’t know what happened.” He sighed, wrapping his arm around her. “They were waiting for me outside your building. My dad wanted to know why Liv was looking into Paul.” Maddox said. “Wait, they were both here? Tonight?” He asked. “Outside. My dad wanted to know what I was doing. Like I want any of that brought back up. Then Paul... I had to shower.” Maddox huffed. “What did he do?” Rafael asked, an anger in his voice she had never heard before. “No, he just touched me... my arm and cheek. I just... I couldn’t stand that he had touched me... how he touched me.” She cringed. “Come here.” He said, pulling her to her feet. Maddox complied, allowing him to pull her against him once she was standing. “Do you have to work tomorrow?” She asked, her voice slightly muffled by his chest. “I do. I shouldn’t be long though. I can bring charges for the kidnapping up again so there’s no way Hassler will want to take this to trial again. I’ll have a better plea worked out by lunch.” Rafael replied. “Ok. Molly invited you and your mom for Thanksgiving.” Maddox offered. “She’d like that. It’s just been the three of us, me, her and my abuelita, the last few years. We were both talking about how sad it would be without her this year.” He smiled. “Thursday then. I think Molly said three but I’ll double check.” She said. They stood in silence for a moment, Rafael’s arms around her as she rested her head against his chest. “Is Liv working tomorrow?” Maddox asked, not bothering to lift her head. “I’d assume. I think she was planning on taking Thursday through Sunday off to spend with Noah. Why?” He replied. “I may pay her a visit.” She huffed.


	26. Chapter 26

Rafael had tried to talk her out of it, suggesting that they talk to Liv together, but he wouldn’t be free until that afternoon and Maddox’s mind was set on finding out why Liv hadn’t left well enough alone sooner, rather than later. She had promised to be nice but the more she thought about everything the angrier she got. Why couldn’t Liv have just respected her wishes, why couldn’t she except that Maddox knew this world... knew that her father would find out, that he would react the way he had. She was tired of living in fear, and while she would respect Rafael and not mention the threats, she hated the fact that she now had to worry about her father and Paul as well. They knew where Rafael lived, where she basically lived. This somehow seemed more of an immediate threat than the hang ups and text he seemed to be getting less frequently lately.

“Maddox right?” Dodds asked when she entered the bullpen. “Yes. Is Liv around?” She asked, looking towards her office which she noticed was empty. “Hey Maddox.” Carisi greeted as he passed her on his way to his desk. “Hi.” She replied. “She stepped out but should be back any minute.” Dodds answered. “Ok, I can wait.” Maddox smiled, pulling her book out and finding a chair. She had been reading for less than thirty minutes when she saw Liv enter the bullpen. “We need to talk.” Maddox huffed as she stood, the friendliness from earlier now gone from her voice. “Ok.” Liv replied, not sure why Maddox seemed upset. Carisi and Dodds watched as Maddox followed Liv to her office. “What’s wrong?” Liv asked once her door was shut. “I told you to leave it alone unless Sydney asked you not to. Unless Sydney talked to our father first. I told you that if you investigated my father would find out.” Maddox snapped. “I looked into Paul and barely at that. I only checked to see if anyone had ever accused him of anything before.” Liv replied. “Well whatever you did, they know. They told me as much last night.” Maddox huffed. “I didn’t think you talked to them.” Liv said. “I don’t. They cornered me outside Rafael’s building.” Maddox replied. “We might be able to pull footage from a street cameras.” Liv stated, quickly exiting her office to see if Dodds could pull them up. “Seriously.” Maddox huffed as she followed, initially planning to stop them but her curiosity getting the best of her and what harm could looking at the street cameras do. “That’s weird...” Dodds said, backing the footage up again. “What?” Carisi asked. He had followed since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving had been excruciatingly slow. “There’s a gap in the footage.” Dodds replied. “That’s not possible” Liv stated, furrowing her brow. “That’s my father.” Maddox sighed. The three of them looked at her. “You can check again or look for other cameras but I can guarantee you won’t find anything. He probably had them shut off before they approached me. He doesn’t take chances. Just leave it alone please.” Maddox said, directing the last bit towards Liv. “I will.” Liv promised.

“You will what?” Rafael asked as he joined them. The meeting with Hassler had gone better than he’d expected so he had stopped by the precinct to catch Maddox since she hadn’t texted that she had left yet. “I’ll leave it alone and won’t look into anything else involving Paul Owens or Arther Feldman. I didn’t even do a background check. I only typed Pauls name into the database to see if he’d been accused of anything before.” Liv stated. “His fathers a federal judge so more than likely if he has, it’s been erased or expunged or whatever you call it. Hell he may have just prevented it from going anywhere to begin with... These people don’t play by the rules, my father included. If you had asked I would have told you.” Maddox huffed. “Senator Arther Feldman? He’s close with the police commissioner.” Dodds said. “Who isn’t he close with?” Maddox scoffed. “He’s your father?” Dodds questioned. He’d been invited to the Feldman house many times over the years. His dad wasn’t exactly close with Arther but he was close with the commissioner and got an invite to parties held at the Feldman’s penthouse. Captain Dodds had started bringing Mike along so he could network, but he had never seen photos of Maddox around the home only the other two kids, Tanner and Sydney, which he was just now connecting to the girl who came by the precinct a few weeks back. “I’m the one mistake he couldn’t get rid of, though he has done what he could to erase me from his life. Twenty five years ago he wasn’t as bold as he is now. I doubt I’d be here if he had been.” Maddox sighed. “Jeez...” Dodds muttered.

“I’m finished for the day, do you want to head home or see if Molly needs help for tomorrow?” Rafael asked. “You head home and maybe we can swing but Molly’s later. I have an appointment.” Maddox replied. “An appointment?” He questioned. “With Dr. Patterson. I meant to make one after I ran into Sydney and after last night I decided to call. I need to talk through a few things and she was nice enough to work me in today.” She smiled. “Ok. Meet me at home then.” Rafael said, giving her a kiss as she left. “Are you sure that’s all you did?” Rafael challenged, turning to Liv once Maddox was out of sight. “I swear. Something in the system must flag when certain people associated with Senator Feldman are entered.” Liv answered. “You’re done?” He clipped. “I promise.” She assured him. “You better be.” Rafael huffed, he had enough to worry about without adding Paul or Arther Feldman to his list.

“This has been quite the year for you.” Dr. Patterson noted when Maddox joined her in her office. “Yeah... Ten years living in different worlds on the same island and suddenly the worlds collide.” Maddox huffed. “How do you feel you’re handling it?” Dr. Patterson asked. “Running into my father and Paul at the gala was a bit of a shock. Seeing Sydney wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I’d feel worse, the reminder of the family I don’t have, not what was actually done to her... I feel terrible about that.” Maddox replied. “What about last night?” Dr. Patterson questioned, jotting down a few notes. “Truthfully, I’m afraid. Paul was creepy... unlike I had ever seen him before. It was like he no longer felt the need to hide who he was. I’m pretty sure my father believed me when I said I couldn’t press charges and understood that it was very likely that someone else could be. If he hadn’t, I’m not sure what he would have let Paul do.” Maddox cringed. “Did you tell Rafael that?” Dr. Patterson asked, lifting an eyebrow. “No. It would only worry him and he has enough on his mind right now.” Maddox sighed. “How are things with the two of you? Last time we talked the relationship was still pretty new.” Dr. Patterson said. “We’re great. I didn’t know being this comfortable with someone was possible. I mean I’m completely comfortable with Molly and I have become extremely close with Jesse over the years, but this is different. It’s been easy from the beginning. We’ve had disagreements but nothing we couldn’t talk through or just respect that the other didn’t agree... Should it be this easy?” Maddox questioned, suddenly doubting everything she felt she knew. “It shouldn’t be a constant struggle but you will hit points that are harder than others. Don’t discount the easy though. Sometimes it just is.” Dr. Patterson smiled. “Ok.” Maddox exhaled. “You should tell him about Paul. From what you’ve told me he’d want to know, even if it added a little stress.” Dr. Patterson suggested. “What good would that do?.” Maddox sighed. She hadn’t told Dr. Patterson about the threats Rafael had been getting and didn’t really want to get into that now. “You put too much on yourself.” Dr. Patterson frowned. “Yeah, yeah... I always do.” Maddox chuckled as Dr. Patterson smiled.

Rafael and Maddox stopped by to pick his mom up on their way to Molly’s around ten the next morning. “I could have made it to Chelsea.” Lucia grumbled as she climbed in the car. “But isn’t this easier?” Rafael smiled. “I guess...” She muttered, smiling when she noticed Maddox. “You didn’t tell me you were bringing Maddox to pick me up.” Lucia scolded. “Considering she was already at my place it wouldn’t have made sense to drop her off first.” Rafael smirked. He hadn’t mentioned to his mom that Maddox slept at his place every night, knowing that if she knew how serious he was about her she would never leave him alone about grand babies or marriage... whichever one was on her mind that particular day. “So how long have you two actually been together now?” Lucia asked. “About eleven months.” Maddox smiled. “I can’t remember the last time Rafi has been with someone that long... I couldn’t even tell you the last time he was in a relationship at all... Not that he tells me anything.” Lucia stated. “Can we talk about something besides my failed love life?” Rafael scoffed. “It’s the hours you work. Most people can’t handle the person they’re dating to get calls at crazy hours and working as late as you do.” Maddox smiled. “It doesn’t bother you?” Lucia asked. “Not as long as he comes home to me.” Maddox chuckled. “Home?” Lucia questioned, turning her attention to Rafael. “Maddox spends a lot of time at my place.” Rafael smirked, rolling his eyes when Lucia grinned.

“Lucia this is my mom, Megan, and my aunt Molly.” Maddox said, introducing them as they joined Molly and Megan in the main living area of Molly’s brownstone. “It’s nice to meet you.” Molly and Megan said almost in unison. Megan looked even better than the last time Maddox had seen her. She had spent most of the money Molly didn’t force her to save on a new wardrobe, makeup, and a haircut. “Mom, can I borrow you for a minute?” Maddox asked. “Sure.” Megan smiled, following her daughter upstairs. “What’s up?” Megan asked, as she sat on Maddox’s bed. “I just... you look great. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen your hair actually look healthy.” Maddox smiled. “I know. Anytime I get an urge to do something stupid I look in the mirror to remind myself how far I’ve come. Then I think of how lucky I am that I didn’t do more damage than I did to myself... and then I call my sponsor.” Megan grinned. “Your system seems to be working. Maybe Molly should have let you move in sooner.” Maddox stated. “Molly would have never risked me being here when you lived here, even as an adult. She said you had been through enough already and I have to agree with her. I wasn’t ready before now and I would have hated for you to watch me try and fail at quitting from that proximity.” Megan said. “We didn’t mention anything to Raf’s mom and she brought a bottle of wine. Are you going to be ok with that?” Maddox asked. “I’ll be fine. I never liked wine, that was always Molly’s thing. Two sips in and I have a splitting headache so it’s not even initially enjoyable for me.” Megan replied. “Ok. I just wanted to check. You really do look fantastic.” Maddox smiled. “Better than Rebecca?” Megan asked. “Mom...” Maddox sighed. “I loved your father. I never understood why he chose her over me.” Megan said. “I don’t think dad actually loves Rebecca. She just fit what he needed to created his picture perfect family. He’s more concerned with how voters see him than anything.” Maddox replied. “We could have been a picture perfect family.” Megan huffed. “Yes, him in his thirties, knocking up his eighteen year old girlfriend, while engaged to another woman.” Maddox said sarcastically. “Do you think he ever loved me?” Megan asked. “I don’t know if he actually loves anyone.” Maddox sighed, Arther was a touchy subject for her mother, his rejection being what initially caused her downward spiral. “He’s kind of a shitty person huh?” Megan said. _More_ _so_ _than_ _I_   _ever_   _hope_ _to_ _tell_ _you_... “That he is.” Maddox replied. “You found a good one though.” Megan smirked. “That I did.” Maddox smiled. “We should get back.” Megan suggested. “What’d we miss?” Maddox asked as they rejoined the others. “Not too much, but I kind of love your future mother in law.” Molly chuckled. “You think you’re funny.” Maddox smirked, the fact that the statement didn’t seem to bother Rafael, not going unnoticed.

“Do you want to move in with me?” Rafael asked when they got back to his apartment. “You mean officially, like change my address?” Maddox questioned. “Yes. You basically live here anyway and it’s seems to be working out ok.” He smirked. “Ok. I’ll get the rest of my things from Molly’s tomorrow and let her and my mom know.” She smiled. “What do you have? We can figure out where to put it.” Rafael suggested, pulling her next to him on the couch. “I have a few books, maybe twenty and that picture of me and my mom...” Maddox said as she thought about what was left in her room, all her clothes having made their way to Rafael’s months ago. “Oh! My easel and paints.” She added, almost in disbelief that she had forgotten about them. “That can go in our study, there’s room for your books on the bookshelf, and the picture can go anywhere you’d like.” He smiled. “I can chip in with bills, even more so once my new salary kicks in in January.” Maddox offered. “We’ll discuss what the monthly expenses are in January then.” Rafael chuckled. “Ok.” Maddox smiled leaning into him just as there was a knock at his door. Both Rafael and Maddox looked at each other, neither of them expecting anyone. Rafael stood and went to look out the peephole, finding Arther and Sydney Feldman standing on the other side of his door.

“My daughter spoke with you?” Arther huffed as Rafael opened the door. “She did.” Rafael replied. “You would be the prosecutor if she decided to move forward?” Arther asked. “Unless you would prefer someone else.” Rafael said. “No. I looked into you after I found out you were dating Susan. You’re good, better than most of the hacks they have in your office.” Arther stated. “Thanks, I think... Why are you here?” Rafael replied, still not exactly sure why Arther and Sydney were at his door. “Can we come in?” Arther asked. Rafael moved back slightly and gestured for them to enter. “Hi Susan.” Arther nodded. “Hi...” Maddox replied, not sure how to take her fathers lack of disdain towards her. “We will meet with that Lieutenant on Monday but I wanted to make one thing perfectly clear, I will not tolerate her lies.” Arther said, gesturing towards Maddox. _That_   _was_   _short_ _lived_... Maddox thought, almost standing to leave the room and wishing she had when he spoke again. “Sydney told me what she said about me knowing what Paul did to her. If she hadn’t acted like such a whore, giggling and flirting with Paul all the time, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I could have protected Sydney...” Arther pulled his other daughter protectively closer to him. _I_ _guess_ _he_ _loves_ _someone_ _after_ _all_... Maddox thought fighting back the urge to cry as she heard everything she had feared her father would say if she had come forward to begin with. “I’m going to bed.” Maddox managed to say softly, squeezing Rafael’s hand gently as she passed him on the way to his bedroom. “So you what, walked in on your forty something year old campaign manager raping your fourteen year old daughter and thought she wanted it?” Rafael scoffed. “You have know idea what she was like then... she was so much like her mother. Her mother pursued me for years before anything happened. Paul’s weak.” Arther huffed. “Why are you here?” Rafael fumed. “To find out if you would call me as a witness and if that would be brought up.” Arther stated. “I might call you as a witness but I would leave Maddox out of it.” Rafael huffed. “Ok.” Arther nodded. “You can leave now.” Rafael huffed, opening his door for Arther and his daughter. “You will do your best for Sydney?” Arther asked as they stepped into the hall. “I have my own reasons to ensure that man spends as much time behind bars as humanly possible.” Rafael stated, slamming the door on them.

Tears were falling but no sounds escaped her as she cried on Rafael’s bed. She could hear her father and Rafael as they spoke, how her father spoke about her. His words only validating her decision to not say anything. Who would have believed her... Arther has no qualms about lying. “Are you ok?” Rafael asked softly as he sat next to her. “I’m so tired of you asking me that.” Maddox said, forcing a chuckle. “What else am I supposed to say?” Rafael smiled, pulling her against him when she sat up. “So Sydneys case will go to trial?” Maddox asked, wiping the tears with her fingers. “Depending on what SVU finds when they investigate, but more than likely.” Rafael sighed. “It’s amazing how something happening to one daughter can mean absolutely nothing while if it happens to the other he’s ready to discount thirty years of friendship and risk what ever Paul knows about him...” Maddox huffed. “He’s a terrible person.” Rafael said. “Not to Sydney. To her he’s the most amazing father in the world.” Maddox sighed.


	27. Chapter 27

“Are you awake?” Rafael asked noticing Maddox’s eyes seemed like they were open, though it was hard to tell from the position they were lying in with her head resting on his chest. “I have been for a while... I woke up around five and couldn’t get back to sleep.” She sighed. “What time is it?” He asked, starting to shift to look at the clock on his nightstand. “A little after eight.” Maddox replied. “You’ve just been lying there awake for three hours?” Rafael shifted her so she’d have to look at him. “I had a lot to think about.” She shrugged. _Please_ _don’t_ _ask_ _if_ _I’m_ _ok_ _again_... “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, almost as though he read her mind. “I don’t want to talk about my dad or Sydney or Paul... I’ve gone over it and over it in my head. I don’t think I want to know anything about the trial or what any of them say. I want our life to return to how it was before Sydney walked out of Liv’s office. If I ask how the trial is going you can tell me, but other than that can you keep it from me?” Maddox asked. “I can do that. Do you want to know the verdict?” Rafael questioned. “Yes.” She nodded. “Ok.” He stated, wrapping his arm tighter around her. “I wonder what happened over Thanksgiving that caused Sydney to tell her dad...” Maddox thought out loud. “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.” Rafael smirked. “I don’t.” She smiled. “If you still want to know Monday, just ask.” He said. “Thanks.” She replied, giving him a quick kiss before climbing out of bed. “Where are you going?” He questioned, smiling as he watched her walk across his room to the bathroom. “I’m going to shower and then maybe we can get brunch before I head to Molly’s to get the rest of my things.” Maddox smiled before disappearing into the bathroom.

“You know I was only teasing with the mother in law comment yesterday?” Molly chuckled as she helped Maddox pack her books and art supplies into a large duffel bag. It was the same bag she had used to pack what she could when she left her fathers almost exactly eleven years before. The timing of everything starting to mess with her head, though she was doing her best to ignore it. “I know... he didn’t ask me marry him, just move in... which really just seems like a formality at this point.” Maddox smiled. “Do you want to marry him?” Molly grinned, lifting her brows high on her forehead. “You’re crazy...” Maddox chuckled. “Wait... do you not?” Molly questioned, sounding a bit more serious this time. “I didn’t say that. I’ve never really thought about marriage. I have a lot of things I want to mark off my bucket list but truthfully getting married was never one of them.” Maddox shrugged. “Then why are you moving in with him?” Molly asked. “I don’t want to be with anyone else. I love Rafael. I’m just saying I haven’t thought about marriage... the actual ceremony. I was never that little girl planning what her future wedding would look like. I’m committed to him though.” Maddox replied. “So if he were to ask, would you say yes?” Molly inquired as she bagged a few paints into ziplocks. “Less than a year in? I’d look at him like he was crazy. Thankfully he’s not that impulsive.” Maddox smiled. “Says the girl who’s slept in his bed every night since the day she met him.” Molly smirked. “We met a week before I started sleeping there.” Maddox countered. “Yes, because that’s so much less impulsive.” Molly laughed. “Whatever...” Maddox sassed. “So, your answer would be no then?” Molly questioned. “I didn’t say that.” Maddox smiled.

Monday had been excruciatingly slow. Maddox spent the morning changing her address with the post office, her bank, sent off for an updated ID, and anywhere else she could think of. This took less than an hour considering all of it she could do from her computer. She even stopped by Penny in HR’s office to change her address on file at work. It was barely ten when she made it back to her desk. Maddox spun in her chair a couple times before getting up to go to Kevin’s office. “You know people are going to think we’re sleeping together if you keep hanging out in my office.” He teased as she plopped down in a chair across from his desk. “Let ‘em talk.” She smirked. “I’m glad you stopped by actually. I was about to come to you.” He smiled. “Really? What for?” She asked. “Cultivated Apparel wants to rebrand next summer. Their stores are beginning to feel a bit dated and the foot traffic is starting to reflect it. They want to do a complete redesign of all their stores nation wide and are open to the possibility of a name change.” Kevin told her. “That’s big.” Maddox breathed. “That’s yours.” Kevin stated. “Mine?” She questioned. “Your first project as the new me.” He smirked. “I don’t even know who’s going to be under me yet.” Maddox replied, her brain already thinking about possible name changes. “I think our team works pretty well together so I wasn’t planning on shaking things up. They’ve all responded well to you when you’ve taken charge in the past. You’ll just have to find your replacement.” Kevin said. “That’s right... I interviewed with you and then Jeff.” Maddox said as she though out loud. “Penny will get together a stack of resumes, separating out current and recent interns. You can start interviewing in January, once you have an office.” Kevin said. “Yours?” She chuckled. “It makes the most sense seeing as I’m moving to Jeff’s cushy corner office.” He smiled. “What’s staying?” Maddox grinned. She knew he had plans to go completely clean and modern with lots of white and a pop of color in Jeffs office and was hoping he was leaving most of his mid century furniture behind. “All of it, if you want.” Kevin replied. “Oh, I want.” She smiled, standing to look around his office. He had blinds, a different style but the same concept as Rafael did, over the windows separating it from the see of cubicles outside. A window mirroring it on the other side looking out toward fifth avenue and Central Park, it was a fantastic view from the twenty third floor their agency was on and she chuckled as she noticed for the first time she could see Rafael’s building. “What’s funny?” Kevin asked. “Nothing, I just didn’t know you could see Raf’s... well I guess technically now our building... from your window.” Maddox said. “You moved in with the lawyer?” Kevin blurted. “Last weekend.” She smiled.

Kevin had suggested they grab lunch while they both simultaneously talked about her move and the upcoming project. Maddox was happier than ever to get back to her cubicle with something to actually work on, the holidays weren’t always the busiest times. She wanted to get her ideas down before she lost them and needed to figure who out of her small team would be best to delegate different task to. The pitch wouldn’t take place until February but since this was the first that fell solely on her she wanted to make sure every detail was covered. She also wanted to get a start on things since work would undoubtedly pick up come January. When she got frustrated with figuring out what task to assign everyone her mind drifted to paint colors for the one exposed wall in what would be her office come the new year. “Hey Raf.” Maddox smiled as she answered her phone. “How late are you going to be?” He asked. “I can leave whenever,” Maddox said before looking at the clock for the first time in a while, “Oh... I didn’t realize it was almost eight.” “I’m home. How about I come to you and we go out for dinner.” Rafael replied. “That sounds great, I want to finish what I’m currently doing and that should give me just enough time.” She smiled. Maddox had spent the majority of the afternoon and evening looking at Cultivated Apparels website, clothing, and online pictures of their store fronts and had managed to come up with a few different basic concepts for a rebrand. Kevin said he’d send her the new line they were planning to carry as soon as he received it, so she knew some of her work could change but not too drastically since the overall clothing style of classy chic would remain. “Are you ready?” Rafael asked while standing in the opening to her cubicle. “Just one second.” Maddox smiled, turning to save the files she had opened and shut down her computer.

Maddox was so wrapped up in her new assignment she didn’t even think about her father or Sydney during dinner. And Rafael made good on his promise not to mention anything... there wasn’t much to tell yet anyway. “I’m glad you’re excited.” He chuckled as they walked into the apartment. She had spent all of dinner and their trip home talking about her plans for the stores and the website that needed a major overhaul. “I haven’t been this excited about a project in a while.” Maddox smiled, pulling him to her lips. “Are you a little anxious too?” He smirked as she worked open the buttons on his shirt. “I don’t have to be stressed to want to have sex with you.” She teased, walking him toward their bedroom. “Yes, but typically when you attack me as we walk through the door it’s due to stress.” Rafael chuckled, placing his hand on her cheek as she unfastened his pants. “I may be a little stressed... I could fall flat on my face. They might not like anything I come up with... They could fire me or change their mind on the promotion...” She started. “Maddox. Look at me.” Rafael said, smiling at her when she did, “You’ll do great. Kevin knows you’re ready, so quit panicking and deal with your stress in the unhealthy way we always do.” “It’s not unhealthy, even my shrink says so. Fixating is unhealthy.” Maddox smirked, pushing his shirt off his shoulders. “You talk to your therapist about our sex life?” He questioned as he undressed her. “Not exactly,” She replied, chuckling when he tossed her on the bed, “more about using sex to de-stress.” “What did she say?” He smirked, climbing on top of her, both of them completely nude now. “That as long as I wasn’t reckless about it it was fine. Sex can actually reduce stress levels and help balance hormones.” Maddox smiled as his body pressed against hers. “Good to know.” Rafael breathed, pressing his lips to hers as he slowly pushed into her. “It doesn’t hurt that you’re really good at it.” She smiled, her voice hitching slightly as he filled her. The corners of his lips pulled up at her comment before colliding with hers again. Their lips barely parted as they, for lack of a better description, made love. It was tender and gentle, nothing like they typically enjoyed but it was perfect for that night. He still had the upcoming trial on the back his mind and despite her excitement with the new project it was on hers too. That was what Maddox meant when she had tried to explain to Dr. Patterson that things were so easy and comfortable with Rafael. They always seemed to know what the other needed without having to say anything... and not only when it came to sex. “I love you.” Rafael whispered as he laid panting on top of her. “I love you too.” Maddox smiled, pressing her lips to his one last time before they readjusted slightly to sleep.

The week had flown by and Maddox couldn’t stand not knowing what was happening with Sydneys case anymore. “So is it going to trial?” She half blurted as she and Rafael ate a late lunch in their apartment that Sunday. “It is.” He replied, not knowing how much she wanted him to divulge. “When?” She asked. “I’ll be in court starting next Wednesday.” Rafael said. “So you’ll be prepping Sydney Monday and Tuesday?” Maddox questioned. “And your father...” He added. “Fun,” she said sarcastically, “Did she say what made her decide to press charges?” “Paul was at their Thanksgiving gathering and cornered her. He didn’t listen when she said no and she was afraid he would never stop if she didn’t.” Rafael sighed. “He’s still...” Maddox said trailing off in disbelief of just how bad it had been for Sydney. Rafael nodded. He hadn’t told her much about what Sydney had said in her statement, not knowing what Maddox did and didn’t want to know. “Anything else you want to know?” He asked softly. “Did they arrest Paul?” Maddox asked. “On Friday. They did it quietly at Arther’s request. Wouldn’t want his name spread through the papers just yet...” Rafael grumbled. “I take it he’s wanting you to spin him in a good light.” She huffed. “Nothing but the ever doting father. It works better for trial though.” He sighed. “When you prep Arther do it without Sydney there and make sure there isn’t anything the defense can use against him. Paul was really creepy that night outside of the apartment and my father didn’t seem too terribly surprised by it.” Maddox warned. “Creepy how?” He huffed. “Almost as though he wanted to do something to me... I’m not sure if I read it right but it seemed like my father would have let him too, at least until I pointed out that I was too old to press charges and that perhaps someone else was. Arther snapped at him to stop and let me go. I guess he figured it was too risky to do anything new since I’m dating you...” She shrugged, answering him honestly even though she knew he’d be upset that she hadn’t told him before. “I’m going to kill him.” Rafael snapped. “No you’re not, just get him put behind bars.” Maddox replied. “I meant your father.” He grumbled. “He’s not worth it. After this is over we can forget he even exist. That’s what I’ve done for the last ten years... that and vote for anyone running against him.” She smiled.


	28. Chapter 28

Maddox stayed late at work so she could draw. Something about knowing Rafael had spent the day with her father and half sister had compelled her to work on her little girl series. She didn’t look at the clock, just kept refining her sketch until she was happy with it, finally finishing the the dining room scene. Maddox stared at it for a moment before flipping through the other completed sketches. They had started as a form of therapy, a way to work through the things that had happened over the years. It was something Dr. Patterson had suggested. Maddox hadn’t realized how much she enjoyed drawing until she had started this assignment. She never intended it to turn into the collection it had and definitely hadn’t expected it to change her life the way that it had. _This_ _is_ _why_ _I_ _chose_ _to_ _major_ _in_ _art_... Maddox thought as it hit her that without this suggestion she would have never realized how much she truly enjoyed creating art. It wasn’t the actual event, but process of working through it that had led her to Rafael. And while she realized that one wouldn’t have happened without the other it made her feel better to think of it this way.

She quickly roughed out a sketch of the little girl sitting in her therapist office showing her the first drawing she had completed, the first drawing in the series. “Hey.” Maddox smiled, answering her phone when she saw Rafael’s name pop up. “Are you still at work?” He asked, trying not to let concern show in his voice since he knew she was struggling with the trial. “Crap, I’m about to leave.” She said, glancing at the clock. She hadn’t realized it was well after ten. “Be careful.” Rafael replied, slightly relieved that she had just lost track of time. “I’m thinking about taking the afternoon off tomorrow and either calling Jesse to see if I can paint in one of the studios on campus or hang out with my mom and Molly for a bit.” Maddox announced when she entered their apartment. “What are you thinking about painting?” Rafael asked as she sat next to him on the couch. “I don’t know yet. When I paint at home I typically have a plan, roughing out in pencil a general sketch on the canvas before I start. It’s different at school though, it always has been... I go in with a blank canvas and paints and just kind of see what happens.” She smiled leaning into him. “Will Jesse hang around if you end up being there late?” He asked. “He’d never leave me alone after dark. You have to have a code to get into the building after hours but almost everyone who knows an art major knows it. Jesse’s a bit overprotective.” Maddox replied, cuddling closer to him. “Good.” Rafael smiled.

Maddox had ended up staying at work until about four since Jesse didn’t have any studio time available until five. Wanting things to feel closer to normal she opted not to call the car service and instead to take the subway for the first time since that man had left the pictures taped to Rafael’s door. It felt familiar and comfortable and she soon lost herself in her book as she made her way to NYU. “How long do I have?” She asked as Jesse unlocked the studio for her. “As long as you want. Most everyone is gone for the holiday’s. There are a few stragglers still hanging around but since grades had to be submitted by five so no one has pressing assignments to complete.” Jesse said. “Thanks for this.” Maddox smiled, feeling at ease for the first time since Arther and Sydney stopped by Rafael’s... their home. “No problem. I’ve got some things to finalize in my office but I’ll check in on you in a few hours.” Jesse replied before leaving.

“Is everything ok?” Jesse asked when he re-entered the studio more than a few hours later. “Yes, why would you think it wasn’t?” Maddox questioned. Jesse merely gestured at her painting. “Oh... yeah. It is a little dark I guess.” She sighed. She hadn’t really been paying that much attention to what she was doing, just letting her emotions lead. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jesse offered, helping as she started to clean up. “We can talk in your office, not here.” Maddox replied. “Are you and Raf ok?” He asked. “Raf’s great.” Maddox smiled.

“Do you remember when we started becoming more experimental and I told you that I had been raped?” Maddox asked as she sat in a chair across from Jesse’s desk. “That’s not exactly something you forget.” Jesse replied. “Rafael’s about to prosecute the man who did it, but because he did it to someone else.” She sighed. “Does Raf know?” Jesse questioned. “He does.” She replied, pushing her bottom lip up slightly. “Fuck, Maddox...” Jesse exhaled. “It’s just left a lot on my mind... The memory of what happened and everything that went with it. Did I even handle it right... I mean if I had said something would it have prevented him from hurting anyone else...” Maddox sighed again. “I’m sure you handle it as best you could at the time, you were how old again?” Jesse asked. “Fourteen.” She huffed. “Be a little kinder to the girl you used to be.” He said. “Easier said than done.” Maddox grumbled. “Hence the painting.” Jesse smiled, garnering a chuckle from her.

“Can I show you something?” She asked, gesturing to his computer. “Sure.” He said, moving out of the way so she could pull up whatever it was she wanted to show him. “I’ve only showed these to one other person besides my therapist.” Maddox said as she logged into her Dropbox. “Raf?” He asked. “No. My boss at work. He caught me working on one on his way out for the evening so I showed him the series... He has know idea how personal they are. Rafael would... I’m not quite ready for that yet. You’ll know, but you somehow seem easier to show them to.” Maddox smiled. “Even though I could be critical of the work itself?” Jesse smirked. “I value your constructive criticism.” She chuckled pulling the whole series up at once on his dual screens. “This is some of the best work I’ve seen you do.” Jesse said, enlarging one sketch at a time to get a closer look. “It’s the most personal work I’ve ever done.” She sighed. “Is this what started it?” He asked when he got to the rough sketch of the little girl in the therapist office. “It is.” Maddox replied, feeling suddenly vulnerable. “I like how your little bit of hope in this one is the series itself.” Jesse smirked. _Leave_ _it_ _to_ _Jesse_ _to_ _know_ _me_ _well_ _enough_ _to_ _pick_ _up_ on _that_... “What’s going in the blank white spot in this one?” He asked when he got to the one of the little girl lost in a sea of buildings. “I haven’t decided yet, but don’t you dare mentioned anything... it’ll come to me when I’m ready.” Maddox said. “I wasn’t planning on suggesting anything, but I do want to see it when you finish.” He smirked. “Definitely.” She smiled. “You should show them to Raf.” Jesse suggested, closing and logging her out of Dropbox. “I will. I’m actually really excited to, I’m just also a little anxious. I think I want it to be finished first.” Maddox replied. “You really like him.” Jesse chuckled. “Shut up. And yes I do.” Maddox grinned. “How serious are you two now?” He questioned as he packed up his things. “I filled out a change of address last week.” She replied. “You moved in with him? He’s never lived with anyone.” Jesse stammered. “So he said,” Maddox smiled, “I’ve slept there every night for the last eleven months, we just made it official.”

“How was your day?” Rafael asked when she got home. “It was good, therapeutic.” Maddox smirked, leaning down to give him a kiss. “That’s good.” He smiled. “How was yours?” She asked as she put away her bag. “Fine.” He grumbled. “Apparently not,” she chuckled, cuddling next to him, “things not going well with the trial?” _The_ _trial_... she kept separating herself from it. “The defense keeps stalling, trial wont start until Friday now.” Rafael huffed. “I figured Paul would be rushing things in hopes of getting out of jail faster.” Maddox said. “He’s not in jail. He made bail a few hours after the arraignment on Monday.” Rafael sighed. “Oh... that’s less comforting.” Maddox scoffed. “I’m sorry.” Rafael looked a little dejected. “Why, it’s not your fault. The judge probably knows his father and his family is well off. I should have expected that, I just didn’t think.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure how I’m going to feel if I lose this case...” He sighed. “Don’t put that much pressure on yourself. If you win great, if not, so it goes... our life goes back to normal either way.” Maddox said, turning so that she faced him, her hand lightly grazing his cheek. Rafael didn’t say anything, just looked at her, his eyes full of concern... sadness... she wasn’t quite sure. “I’m serious, just do the best you can. I can handle either outcome.” Maddox assured him. “If only my office, SVU, and your father were so accommodating.” He smirked, pulling her to his lips. “How’s it going with my father?” She asked, leaning her head on his chest. “You were right about Paul having something on him but he assured me it would be mutually destructive and wouldn’t tell me what it was.” Rafael huffed.

It was Thursday, and Maddox was in the weekly staff meeting with everyone else in the office. Thomas, Jeff, and Kevin were announcing that few changes would be happening in the new year. “As most of you know, Jeff will be retiring at the end of the year,” Thomas said, pausing for a moment as the news sank in with those who may not have known, “Kevin will be taking over as our creative director and...” he paused again as he looked for Maddox in the small sea of people, motioning for her to join them when he found her, “Maddox will become our newest art director.” Her coworkers seemed pleased... with the exception of Adam. “About time they promoted a woman.” Julie, one of the copy editors who was standing close to her when she shrank back away from the spotlight, smiled. “I’m not going to be the only female art director.” Maddox chuckled, knowing exactly what she meant. They continued to listen as Thomas talked about other news within the agency. Maddox noticed a courier standing off to the side, waiting for the meeting to finish, about the same time Thomas did. “Did you need something?” He called to the courier. “I’m looking for a Susan Maddox.” He replied, reading the name off the paper he had. Maddox made her way over to him. “That’s me.” “You’ve been served.” The courier said handing her the folded piece of paper. Maddox opened it, reading it, almost in disbelief. “Is everything ok?” Kevin asked. The meeting was still going and thankfully the courier hadn’t announced it so that everyone could hear, but he could tell from her expression that something wasn’t right. Maddox handed the paper to Kevin, letting him read it. “Do you need to talk to Rafael?” Her asked, rather seriously. “Yes.” Maddox nodded. “Go. I fill you in on the rest of the meeting.” Kevin said.

“What the hell is this?” Maddox asked as she barged into Rafael’s office, not exactly caring that he was in the middle of a conversation with Liv and Carisi or that poor Carmen was left speechless at his door. Rafael nodded at Carmen that it was ok before turning his attention to Maddox. “What is what?” He questioned. “This.” She huffed, handing him the piece of paper that had been delivered to her in the middle of her staff meeting. “The defense is subpoenaing you to testify?” He asked rhetorically as he read it. “Why? How could I possibly help their case?” Maddox snapped. “It’s Buchanan... He’s trying to discredit the whole case. Me, you, your sister... He’ll most likely want to spin this to you trying to set Paul up or something.” Rafael sighed. “That’s absurd.” Maddox barked. “That’s Buchanan.” Carisi stated. Rafael and Maddox both glanced at him before resuming their conversation. “Can he do that? Just say whatever he wants? Lie?” Maddox asked. “He can ask questions that guide the jury into thinking there’s reasonable doubt. I’ll help you prep. It’s possible if we can play your answers right he may open the door for me to bring up your assault on cross.” Rafael said, not exactly meaning to smile as his mind started to work this in his favor. “Great...” Maddox sighed, making her way to his couch as she gestured for them to carry on with whatever conversation they were having before she barged in. 


	29. Chapter 29

“Do I want to know?” Maddox asked when Rafael got home late Friday evening and immediately poured himself a drink. “Sydney doesn’t make the greatest witness. We practiced keeping her emotions in check but Buchanan played her. She appeared an unstable, emotional wreck by the time he was through with her. Just unstable enough for the jury to buy his ridiculous defense.” Rafael huffed, before taking a sip. Since Maddox was on the witness list she couldn’t watch the trial until after her testimony, which was fine by her, she hadn’t wanted to to begin with. That didn’t mean they couldn’t discuss the case, the fact that she and Rafael were in a relationship wasn’t secret. “I just hope your father is more composed on the stand Monday.” Rafael sighed. “I don’t care who this Buchanan guy is, but he has no idea who he’s dealing with if he thinks he’s going to rattle Arther Feldman.” Maddox muttered as she rolled her eyes. She had never met Buchanan, the first time they would meet would be when he questioned her on the stand, but she knew her father... she had more in common with him than she’d ever care to admit. “When do you want to prep for your testimony?” Rafael asked. “This weekend sometime. I don’t want to take anymore time off work. I’d like to save something for closer to Christmas.” She sighed. “We can go to the courthouse tomorrow.” Rafael stated, pulling her into his side. “Or we can just go over questions here.” Maddox shrugged. “Believe me, you’ll want practice sitting in that box, it’s more intimidating than it seems.” He said softly, kissing the top of her head.

“Could they find a more uncomfortable chair?” Maddox complained after the second hour of siting in the witness box. “I really don’t think it’s meant to be comfortable or uncomfortable,” Rafael sighed, “We can take a break if you want?” “Maybe eat?” She smirked. “Fine. I’ll feed you.” He chuckled, reaching for his phone as it rang. “Great...” he said, his voice laced with sarcasm, “can you meet for lunch? Twenty minutes. I’ll text you where.” Rafael hung up and looked at Maddox. “Buchanan subpoenaed Jesse as well.” “What does that mean?” She asked. “It means I have new questions we have to prepare for...” He sighed. “Jesse’s going to meet us for lunch. Where do you want to go?” “Can we do that little Mediterranean place a few blocks from here?” Maddox suggested. “That’s fine.” He nodded, texting Jesse as they gathered the few items they brought with them.

“I’ve never even met this guy, why would they want me to testify?” Jesse asked as he joined them at the table. “I can only assume that you will be called to testify after Maddox, as a form of character witness against her.” Rafael sighed. “I have nothing but good things to say about Maddox.” Jesse smiled. “Against her sexual history.” Rafael clarified. “Oh...” Jesse bit his bottom lip. “How did I get dragged into this anyway? I have done my best to avoid all of this... them... for the last eleven years and now my sexual history gets to be shared with the world. I’m mean I’m not ashamed of the things I’ve done... with either of you, but I still think of it as a private matter.” Maddox huffed. “Please don’t be that defensive on the stand.” Rafael smirked. “I won’t.” She muttered. “So... this Buchanan guy is going to ask me about the sexual relationship between myself and Maddox?” Jesse questioned. “If I can’t get your subpoena thrown out for being completely irrelevant.” Rafael huffed, “The judge won’t rule until she hears Maddox testimony. If you do testify, he’ll ask how it started, who initiated... what kind of relationship it was. We’ll need to make sure you two are on the same page, not verbatim, but that your recollection of events match up.” “I’m free the rest of the afternoon.” Jesse shrugged, offering up his time.

It had been surprisingly easy to discuss in detail the less than conventional relationship she and Jesse had shared. Perhaps not so surprising, since she found it incredibly easy to be open and honest with Rafael, she had from the beginning. He never seemed to judge or come off jealous of her past... with the exception of the one encounter with James. Never Jesse though. _I_ _guess_ _it’s_ _because_ _they_ _know_ _each_ _other_ _so_ _well_... Maddox thought as she watched them chat from a distance, the fine lines around Rafael’s eyes crinkling as he laughed at something Jesse said. Two men from the same neighborhood. Both sharing a somewhat sordid past, though one much more sordid than the other... not to mention open about it... _What_ _kind_ _of_ _questions_ _is_ _this_ _Buchanan_ _guy_ _going_ _to_ _ask_ _me_... Maddox internally rolled her eyes before joining them by the witness box. “How’d we do?” She teased, looking at Rafael for approval of the practice testimony he had just walked each of them through. “It’s easy with just me... controlled. We still need to go over it a few more times before you actually face Buchanan.” He smirked. 

“Hey mom.” Maddox smiled as Megan opened the door. “Maddox, sweetheart, come in. I’m half tempted to call in so I can spend some time with you too.” Megan smiled, pulling the door wide for Maddox to enter. “I get the week off between Christmas and New Years, I promise I’ll spend some time with you then.” Maddox smiled, following her to the main living level. She had purposely planned a time to visit Molly so that her mother wouldn’t be there. A slight twinge of guilt hit her as her Megan teasingly pouted, but she needed to talk to Molly without her mom around. “I work Christmas Eve but thankfully the diner isn’t opened on Christmas Day.” Megan grinned. “I’m sure Molly is already planning what to cook.” Maddox chuckled. “When am I planning to cook?” Molly asked as she joined them. “Christmas.” Megan responded. “I was thinking of doing Indian this year.” Molly smiled. “I’ll ask Raf if he likes Indian.” Maddox smirked. “I’d offer to go Cuban, but that’s too intimidating if he and his mom will be joining us again. I like to experiment in the kitchen, but not with someone who can compare it to their mother and grandmothers cooking.” Molly chuckled. “I’m pretty sure Lucia likes to cook, maybe she’d want to join you in the kitchen.” Maddox suggested. “Ooh... I’d like that.” Molly smiled, her eyes lighting up. “Ok, I’m off to work. You two don’t have too much fun without me.” Megan said, giving them each a hug on her way out.

“Is this a wine conversation?” Molly asked, lifting a brow once she heard the front door shut. “It’s a tequila conversation...” Maddox sighed. “I don’t currently keep anything other than wine in the house.” Molly replied. “I know, I’m just saying that’s the kind of conversation it is...” Maddox shrugged. “Ok...” Molly breathed, guiding them to sit in the living room. “Rafael is prosecuting Paul...” Maddox started when Molly interrupted. “But I didn’t think...” “Not for what he did to me, for what he did to Sydney.” Maddox clarified. “I guess Arther cares now.” Molly hissed. “He’s the ever doting father...” Maddox sighed, rolling her eyes. “How are you handling all of it?” Molly asked. “I was fine until the defense subpoenaed me to testify.” Maddox huffed. “Why would they do that?” Molly questioned. “Raf thinks the defense is going to use my past with Jesse to imply that I was a promiscuous teen and the fact that both Raf and Jesse are older than me to suggest that I had a thing for Paul...” Maddox shuddered, “That I’m somehow manipulating Sydney into making a false accusation as a form of revenge for being rejected or something...” “That’s ridiculous.” Molly huffed. “That’s what I said.” Maddox sighed. “When do you testify?”Molly asked. “I’m not sure yet, sometime next week. Could you possibly be there when I do?” Maddox asked. “You tell me when and I’ll be there.” Molly replied. Maddox exhaled, her body visibly relaxing. “Do you want me to talk to Megan?” Molly asked. Maddox shook her head in response, tensing again. “Ok... Are you ever planning on telling her what happened?” Molly questioned. “No. She’d blame herself... I don’t want her to do that.” Maddox sighed.

“I’m up tomorrow?” Maddox questioned as she entered Rafael’s office after work. She had been notified by Buchanan’s office but still felt the urge to verify with Rafael. “Yes. At one.” He replied, shifting through a few things on his desk. “Ok...” She sighed, letting out a long breath. At least she only had to take a half day and could distract herself with work in the morning. “Facing them helps with the healing process.” Liv interjected from Rafael’s round table. She and Dodds were going over some of the paperwork entered into evidence by the defense... making sure they hadn’t missed something. Maddox hadn’t even noticed them when she entered. “I’m not facing him... I’m defending the choices I’ve made when it comes to the people I’ve slept with.” Maddox huffed. “I’ll intercede where I can.” Rafael said, pulling her attention back to him. “How did my dad do?” Maddox asked. “Extremely well. You were right, the man is hard to rattle. Buchanan’s attempt was entertaining though. As much as I despise the man, your father is extremely intelligent and composed.” Rafael said, almost sounding impressed... almost. “Did I come up during his testimony?” Maddox asked. “Why do you ask?” Rafael questioned, furrowing his brow slightly.. she had come up. “I was just curious as to if he shared his disdain for me or if he perjured himself.” She replied, forcing a chuckle. “He didn’t perjure himself.” Rafael muttered. _That_ _bad_ _huh_... “Can we get this over with?” Maddox huffed. Rafael had wanted to go over her testimony one more time before she took the stand and she was ready for her part to be over so she could go back to trying to forget about the trial altogether. “Yes.” He nodded, guiding her out of his office, leaving Liv and Dodds to continue without him.

“Will you sit down... you’re making me anxious.” Rafael scolded as he watched Maddox pace between the living room and kitchen. Her heals clicking against the stained concrete. “Or at least take your shoes off so you’re quieter.” He smirked, glancing up at her over the file he was reading. Maddox rolled her eyes and kicked her shoes off before continuing to score a path in the floor. Rafael was sitting in one of the chairs perpendicular to his couch, leaving Maddox just in his peripheral. He quietly sighed and rolled his eyes, moving himself to the couch so she’d be behind him, out of sight, which turned out not to be any better. “Maddox, seriously, have a seat.” He beseeched. “I can’t. I’m too wound up.” She sighed, pausing to look at him. He had turned on the couch just enough to see her again, watching her as she made her way around the couch... her hands working the fastening on the back of her skirt. “Maddox...” he scolded, watching her wiggle out of the navy blue pencil skirt, that hit just past her knees. “What... I need to unwind a little.” She smiled, her fingers fiddling with the safety pins she had used to gather the shirt she was wearing in the back so that it fit her better. “Is that my shirt?” Rafael asked, noticing how loosely it hung on her frame once the pins were removed. “It is,” Maddox smirked, “still smells like you too.” “You’re wearing one of my dirty shirts?” He questioned, quirking an eyebrow at her. “No. The one you wore for twenty minutes this morning before changing your mind and discarding it on the bed.” She smiled, starting to unbutton it. “Don’t do that.” He said forcefully, causing her to pause. “You have a problem with me wearing your shirt?” Maddox questioned. She really didn’t think he’d care, and truthfully only worn it because the subtle scent left from his brief time in it that morning had helped ground her nerves. “No. I have a problem with you taking it off.” He smirked, pulling her onto his lap as she giggled. Rafael’s lips found hers as his hands worked her bra off. She pushed herself back on his thighs so she could unfasten his slacks. Placing her feet back on the floor, she lifted her lower half enough to tug his slacks down and wiggle out of her underwear. Her lips never leaving his as she settle herself back on his lap easing him into her as she did, enjoying his soft groan that vibrated across her lips. “So you don’t mind that I wore your shirt all day?” She asked, pulling back and smiling playfully at him. Rafael took her in as she rode him, his hands tightly gripping his shirt against her hips. “You can wear anything of mine you want, though I am surprised my shirt looked that put together on you.” He smirked. “The wonders of safety pins.” Maddox chuckled, pressing her lips back to his, pushing herself harder against him. Rafael groaned, mostly at her movement, but partially at the though of tiny holes puncturing his shirt. His hands reached under the shirt, up to her breast, his hips thrust up to meet hers. “Fuck Raf.” She panted as he seemed to burrow deeper each time she pressed down on him. Her neck arched back, the rhythm she had established, disrupted as she began to quiver. Rafael continued to thrust, his mind going to her sitting in the witness box earlier that evening, his shirt tucked into her navy blue pencil skirt. The way she had the shirt neatly folded like the wrapping on the edge of a present across her back. “Jesus...” He groaned, forcing his mind back to the event at hand. Maddox’s body, slightly ridged against his, her moans muffled by his shoulder, arms gripped around his neck. Rafael moved one arm around her, holding her tightly to him, grunting his release. “My god... I though you were never going to finish.” Maddox chuckled through labored breaths, to spent to even attempt to lift her head. “Do me one favor...” He panted. “Anything.” Her voice was soft, playful as she shifted her head so that her cheek as opposed to forehead rested on his shoulder. “Don’t wear one of my shirts on the stand tomorrow... I need to be able to concentrate.” Maddox couldn’t see his face but she knew he was smirking.


	30. Chapter 30

Maddox sat uncomfortably on the wooden chair, trying not to make it noticeable that she was fidgeting with her skirt as she waited for Buchanan’s questioning to start. She looked at Rafael, before glancing around the courtroom. Molly was sitting a few rows back from Arther, Rebecca, Sydney, and Tanner. _Great... a family reunion..._ She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. _All of SVU too..._ Maddox knew they typically attended trials as a form of support but considering the information she and Rafael had prepared to share she would have preferred they hadn’t. Her attention was quickly brought back to Buchanan as he stood, making his way towards her. “You’re in a relationship with ADA Barba, correct?” Buchanan asked, gesturing to Rafael as he sat at the prosecution desk. _Right off the bat, ok..._ “I am.” Maddox replied. “And Mr. Barba is, ten... twelve years older than you?” Buchanan asked, knowing with how he worded it, to truthfully answer his question, she had to give a number or risk coming off sounding petty. “Fifteen.” Maddox said dismissively since the age difference had never been something she really gave much thought. “And before Mr. Barba you were in a relationship with a...,” Buchanan fiddled with a file as though he were verifying the name, “Jesse Narbaez?” “I wasn’t technically in a relationship with Jesse.” Maddox said calmly. “But you did regularly have sex with him?” Buchanan questioned. “I did.” She replied. “How much older than you is Mr. Narbaez?” Buchanan asked. “Ten years.” Maddox answered. “So it’s safe to say you are attracted to older men?” Buchanan smiled. “I guess.” Maddox replied, trying to remember how Rafael had prepped her to answer that question, feeling pretty sure the unassertive response she gave was not his preference. “And the sex with Mr. Narbaez, was it intimate or more... unconventional?” Buchanan asked. “Objection, your honor,” Rafael called from his seat, “relevance?” “I’m getting there.” Buchanan smiled, turning to the judge. “Get there quickly.” Judge Barth stated. “So, which was it Ms. Maddox?” Buchanan asked again. _Salacious, lewd, smutty, lascivious..._ “Given those two options, unconventional.” Maddox replied. “Did he pursue you or did you pursue him?” Buchanan asked. “I’m not sure either of us pursued the other...” Maddox said, slightly stressing the word pursued. “Who initiated the sexual relationship?” He sighed, rephrasing his question. “I did.” She stated. “And who initiated the sexual relationship between you and Mr. Barba?” Buchanan asked. _Jesse... oh jeez, don’t say that... then me... but it was just intended to be the one time... Raf’s the one who kissed me... that kiss though... shit this shouldn’t be this complicated..._ “You’d have to ask Rafael but I’m pretty sure that was a mutual decision.” Maddox replied, glancing at him only to bite back a smile when he subtly nodded at her. “What about sex with Mr. Barba? Is it intimate or more unconventional?” Buchanan asked, lifting an eyebrow. _I have got to work in a Mr. Barba sometime..._ “Objection.” Rafael huffed, half afraid to hear her answer. “I’m still waiting for the point Buchanan.” Judge Barth interjected. “I’m almost there, your honor.” Buchanan said. Judge Barth nodded for him to continue. “Which is it Ms. Maddox?” Buchanan smiled. _Again... Salacious, lewd, smutty, lascivious... but somehow intimate at the same time... even that first night I randomly stopped by and he cuddled against me as we slept..._ “It’s always intimate...” Maddox said, blushing slightly when she realize she had unconsciously smiled, not noticing Rafael fighting his own blush and smile as he watched her. “So it’s safe to say you’ve had both intimate and unconventional relationships with older men.” Buchanan asked. “I suppose.” Maddox replied.  

“And when you were between the ages of twelve and fourteen you lived with your father correct?” Buchanan questioned. “Unfortunately.” Maddox sighed. “You don’t like your father much do you?” Buchanan asked. “I don’t like my father at all.” Maddox said flatly. “Why?” Buchanan looked at her cocking his head to the side slightly. “He’s never been a father to me.” She shrugged. “He gave you shelter, your own room, clothes, food... How is that not fatherly.”  Buchanan asked. “He did the bare minimum required of the courts when they forced me on him. There is much more to being a father than merely providing basic needs.” Maddox stated. “Surely they didn’t lock you in your room, void of any interactions with your family.” Buchanan scoffed. “No, but my interaction with his family was limited. I ate meals at home with them, shared a ride to and from school with Tanner, but if they went out as a family or had functions at their home, I wasn’t included... mostly I read in my room.” She replied. “You make it out like they barely acknowledged your existence.” Buchanan chuckled. “They did barely acknowledge me. I was the constant reminder of my fathers infidelity, just sitting at their dinner table.” Maddox said, her voice lacking emotion. “Maybe in front of his family, but given a moment alone, just the two of you, your father must have been more receptive to you.” Buchanan suggested. “No.” Maddox replied. “He never gave you an encouraging hug or pat on the back?” Buchanan asked. “My father has never hugged me, he has never held me... I honestly can’t remember a time I’ve ever been physically touched by father in any way, even just a tap on the shoulder.” Maddox stated, the calmness remaining.  

Buchanan had thought talking about her father would unsettle her, get her emotions to take over. Once he realized that tactic wouldn’t work he changed gears. “You lived with your mother up until you moved in with your father correct?” Buchanan asked. “I spent a year or so in foster care in between.” Maddox stated. “Foster care must have been hard on you.” Buchanan said. “Frank and Gina were nice. Their house was crowded and the girls I shared a room with came and went, moving between this relative or that... many running away... Their stories were much more heartbreaking than mine.” She lamented. It was the first emotion she had really shown. “What about before you were placed with Frank and Gina?” Buchanan asked. “What about it?” Maddox questioned. She came off defensive and Buchanan’s lip twitched up knowing he’d hit a nerve. “The group home you lived in must have been a shock when you first got there.” He said sounding almost sincere. “I was only there for a month.” Maddox replied as she focused on her breathing. _It really hadn’t been that bad..._ “You seemed to have been in a lot of fights.” Buchanan said, lifting an eyebrow at her as he flipped through a file. “I didn’t get into fights... I was beat up a lot.” Maddox shrugged. “One of the other kids broke your arm... unprovoked?” Buchanan questioned. “She broke my arm because I wouldn’t give her the locket my grandparents had given me a month before they died, the only thing I had with a picture of them at the time. The only picture I had of anyone in my family... I don’t know why I bothered to fight back, she took it anyway.” Maddox shrugged as she swallowed back her urge to cry before looking Buchanan square in the eye. Buchanan only had an overview, because that’s all that DCS had documented. Her response wasn’t exactly what he had expected and quickly changed the subject to her mother.  

“Where did you live when you lived with your mother?” “Lots of places.” Maddox replied. “Which place did you live the longest?” Buchanan asked. “The most consistent place I lived was when she’d drop me off at my grandparents.” Maddox said. “What kind of places did you live in when you weren’t with your grandparents?” Buchanan asked. “Cheap hotels mostly, sometimes we’d crash with her friends... occasionally she’d find an abandoned building. We had an apartment for a short period after my grandparents passed but that didn’t last long.” Maddox replied. “Why was that?” He coaxed. “My mom preferred to spend her money on drugs than rent.” Maddox said flatly. “Losing the apartment must have been tough.” Buchanan stated. “I didn’t know any different. Besides the apartment never got furnished so when we left, for me, it was just another abandoned place we had crashed. Though the fridge and heat had been a nice change.” Maddox said, smiling fondly at the memory of her mother making lunch for them in the kitchen on one of her better days. This was another sketch in her little girl series. “Where were you living when your mother OD’d?” Buchanan asked. His questioning of her nomadic childhood was meant to cast doubt on her character, but so far the jury only seemed sympathetic. He knew where they had been living and had a plan. “With her dealer.” Maddox stated. “He was older than your mom, correct? Roughly my clients age?” Buchanan asked. “I guess. I was ten, almost eleven... everyone seemed older to me.” Maddox replied. “Did your mom ever have sex with him in exchange for drugs?” Buchanan questioned. Maddox glanced at Rafael and then back at Buchanan before answering. “She did.” She had completely forgotten about that. It was a part of her mothers past she hadn’t wanted to remember. “Did she do that with a lot of her dealers?” Buchanan asked. “Depending on how strapped for cash she was.” Maddox sighed. “Did she ever offer you in exchange for drugs?” He asked. _You’re a twisted fuck..._ Maddox thought, narrowing her eyes at him. “Objection.” Rafael called, knowing it would be overturned, but half afraid to hear her answer despite feeling pretty confident she would have mentioned it if she had. “It goes to the witness state of mind.” Buchanan stated as he addressed the judge. “I’ll allow.” Judge Barth replied, though she looked less than pleased. “My mother suffers from addiction and has been willing to put herself through hell to satisfy the urges she gets, but she has never put me in harms way. If my mother had even unknowingly put me in a situation where something like you’re suggesting happened to me, we would not be on speaking terms.” Maddox huffed. “I don’t see her here.” Buchanan said gesturing to the gallery. “That’s because she’s been consistently sober for the first time that I can remember and I didn’t think this trial would be the best thing for her.” Maddox snapped.

Buchanan was getting know where talking about her mother, but he was pleased that Maddox’s emotions were high. “During the time you lived with your father you knew my client?” He asked, deciding now would be a good time to bring him up. Hoping she’d remain agitated. “I did.” Maddox stated, though her contempt for Paul was evident. “How close were you with Mr. Owens?” Buchanan asked. “I thought of him like a father.” She managed, despite it being harder for her to get out than she thought it would be. “Like a father? That’s curious... Didn’t you flirt with my client during that time?” Buchanan questioned. “No.” She stated. “You never found an excuse to talk to him when he was over, touch his thigh or arm softly when given the opportunity...” Buchanan inquired. Maddox dug her nails into her skin as flashes of Paul doing those things to her popped into her head. “No, I didn’t. You may have the actions of your client confused with me.” She managed to get out with more strength behind it than she felt as her gaze met with Pauls who seemed to be enjoying this segment of her testimony. “I see... so you had a boyfriend at school?” He asked. “No. I focused on school while at school.” Maddox said. “At fourteen you didn’t notice the boys at school?” Buchanan questioned as though it was unbelievable. “I never stayed long enough at a school to become more than that weird girl who kept to herself and read. I preferred it that way.” Maddox shrugged. “But you did spend time with my client.” Buchanan stated. “Discussing books and current events... sometimes we just talked about how my day had been.” Maddox replied. “You were fond of him?” Buchanan asked. “He was the only person that talked to me.” Maddox shrugged. “So fond of him that you propositioned my client when he was at your fathers home? Didn’t you tell him you wanted him to be your first?” Buchanan asked. “When I was fourteen?” Maddox huffed, taken aback by the absurdity of the question. “And when he turned you down, didn’t you get upset? Didn’t you talk with your sister about making this false claim against him as revenge for rejecting you all those years ago?” Buchanan more accused than asked. “None of that is true.” Maddox huffed. “Are you sure it isn’t?” Buchanan questioned. “You think that’s how I wanted to lose my virginity, with the only person who I had ever thought of as a father forcing themselves on me...” Maddox snapped as Buchanan interrupted her accusation. “Objection your honor.” “Approach?” Rafael called as he stood.

Judge Barth nodded for them both to approach the bench. “Your honor, the witness was only responding to Mr. Buchanan’s line of questioning. He opened this door when he asked if she had ever proposition his client to take her virginity. Her recollection of the events that took place between herself and Mr. Owens should be considered.” Rafael stated. “Your honor, she’s well beyond the statute here and can no longer bring charges against my client for these outrageous claims.” Buchanan argued. “No one’s adding charges. Buchanan called her as a witness, I’m merely asking for her to be able to speak to what she knows.” Rafael challenged. “I agree. You opened this door Buchanan.” Judge Barth stated. Rafael sighed with relief as he headed back to his seat. Though he wasn’t excited to do it, he could now ask her about what Paul had done to her.

Buchanan paused for a moment before speaking again. “Ms. Maddox do you spend a lot of time thinking about the years you spent at your fathers?” He was careful in the wording of his question. “No.” Maddox replied. It wasn’t harsh or sad or even filled with anger. It was one word but the way she said it resonated with truth. “You don’t? If what you’re claiming happened had happened to me I think I’d think about it.” He stated. “I try to look forward.” Maddox replied. “Try? It’s hard though right? Part of you must still dwell on the rejection you faced as an obsessive teen. So much so that you concocted this absurd story about my client, enlisting the help of your sister once you realized you were too old to make the claim yourself.” Buchanan accused. Rafael stood to object but Maddox spoke before he got a chance. “It’s been over ten years Mr. Buchanan. I see a therapist, I have a life... I’ve moved on. It’s human to occasionally look back, to reflect on how certain events have shaped your life but it’s not healthy to dwell.” She spoke calmly, the weight of the words, for her personally, clear in her voice. Rafael remained standing, relieved she had spoken before he could object as he glanced between her and the jury. Buchanan looked irritated, the brief pause as he and Rafael had spoke to the judge helped her reset and calm herself... to separate herself from what had happened to her again. She didn’t get defensive when Buchanan made his accusation, instead she had remained composed despite the obvious sadness in her voice. Rafael could tell the jury had noticed, their faces reflecting sympathy towards her. Buchanan had noticed too. His plan had been to make her emotional, to use that against her on the stand so she seemed unstable... someone capable of doing what he was suggesting. “You’re more like your father than you seem to know.” Buchanan stated, almost sounding impressed, but half hoping it would upset her. “I’m blessed with my fathers mind and my mothers heart.” She remarked. “No more questions.” Buchanan spoke, making his way back to his chair before he made the mistake of letting her speak again. Anymore attempts to discredit her would only push the jury to sympathize with her more and he knew it.

Rafael stood making eye contact as he approached her. “Maddox, what was your relationship with Mr. Owens like?” He asked. Maddox took a breath. _Just like we rehearsed..._ “In the beginning he was nice. He was the only person that came around my fathers home that talked to me. He’d check in on me, ask me how my day had been or about the book I was reading.” Maddox said. “How long did you know Mr. Owens?” Rafael asked. “For about a year.” She replied. “When you were between the ages of thirteen and fourteen?” He questioned. “Yes.” She nodded. “How did your opinion of Mr. Owens change?” Rafael asked. “He was like a father to me. I actually thought he cared about me, but I was wrong.” Maddox answered, her voice cracking softly as she spoke. It wasn’t intentional, the betrayal of losing the only emotional support she had at that time... in the way that she had, had really messed with her over the years. “And why was that?” Rafael asked softly. Maddox took a breath and dropped her eyes to the railing in front of her. She didn’t want to look at Rafael, or the jury... she didn’t want to know who was in the gallery watching and she definitely didn’t want to look at Paul. “Because he was just hoping I’d let my guard down.” She said barely above a whisper. The blame she placed on herself for not seeing it coming rearing its head. “Maddox...” Rafael spoke softly, his voice sweet and familiar, coaxing her to speak up. “He was building my trust up so I’d let my guard down.” She repeated loud enough to be heard this time. “Why did he want you to trust him?” He asked. “So that I wouldn’t question if he came in my room. So I’d think he was just coming to check in like he did every time he came by the house.” Maddox answered her voice shaking mainly because she knew what was coming. They had rehearsed two versions of her testimony and she had been fine with both, but somehow sitting here with everyone watching, after being attacked by Buchanan, was different. “And what happened on the last night you slept at your fathers home?” Rafael asked, hating himself for it. Wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and hold her. “Paul stopped by my room and came in shutting the door behind him. I thought we’d talk, he’d check in on me. Instead he kissed me and pinned me down, holding me in place while he removed only the clothing needed to accomplish what he wanted.” Maddox replied. “And what was that?” Rafael asked, needing her to actually say it. “To have sex with me.” “And when he was finished?” He coaxed, needing her to connect her assault to Sydney’s for the jury. “He placed his hand on my cheek and told me that next time would be better for me. I didn’t wait around to find out if he’d be back, I left my fathers home the next day.” She replied, cringing at the memory. 

“Why didn’t you come forward at the time?” Rafael asked. “I told Molly, my aunt, the next day. We discussed going to the police but... what was the point. My father would have never taken my side and who would believe me over him or Paul for that matter. I just wanted to move forward and pretend it never happened. We decided together that talking to someone would be the best option and I’ve been seeing a therapist ever since.” Maddox replied. “Moving forward is easier said than done.” Rafael stated. “It took time.” She said. “Did you date in high school?” Rafael asked, wanting to build into his questions about Jesse, knowing the judge would more than likely allow his testimony. “No. I always felt isolated at school because I never seemed to stay at one for very long... I didn’t start making friends until I transferred schools after I moved in with Molly, and gained stability. At that point I wasn’t really interested in dating anyone.” Maddox replied. “Why did you enter into the type of relationship you did with Jesse?” Rafael asked. “I didn’t want to associate sex with what happened to me. I had known Jesse for years, we were friends. He had a reputation, but that was part of the appeal. I didn’t want to commit to a relationship, I wanted a safe environment to explore my sexuality. An environment I could control. It wasn’t conventional, but it worked for me at the time.” Maddox stated. “Why didn’t you want a more conventional relationship?” Rafael asked. “I tried that my freshman year of college and ended up hurting a really good friend. For a long time I was afraid I was incapable of loving someone.” She shrugged. “How long was it between that relationship and the one you started with Jesse?” He asked. “Three years maybe. I knew Jesse but didn’t sleep with until after I graduated.” Maddox stated. “As Buchanan pointed out, Jesse is a few years older than you, did age play a factor?” Rafael asked. “I’ve never been around people my own age. I was a grade ahead in school, mainly hung around with grad students as an undergrad, and graduated college at twenty. My aunt is my best friend. She’s more like a sister than an aunt, we’re roughly the same age difference as her and my mother. She and Jesse are the same age. My mothers parents were only ten years older than my father... The ages of the people in my life have never been stereotypical, as a result I don’t generally register age, just people.” Maddox replied. Rafael paused and exhaled, the corners of his lips turning up slightly before he spoke again. “Now, something I never thought I’d ask a witness... How is our relationship different than that of the one you had with Jesse?” “You were unexpected. I feel completely at ease around you, I think I have from the beginning... We are committed to each other... I now know what it feels like to love someone.” Maddox smiled softly at him, almost forgetting they were in a room full of onlookers. “I love you too,” Rafael smirked, “No more questions.” He made his way back to his seat, cutting their bit short in an effort to keep their relationship to themselves as much as possible while still conveying their commitment to each other.  

Maddox stood when the judge told her to step down, smiling when Rafael gently squeezed her hand as she passed him on her way to join Molly. “How do you feel?” Molly asked, pulling Maddox into a side hug when she sat down. “Ok I guess.” Maddox sighed. “What are they discussing?” Molly questioned, gesturing to Rafael and Buchanan as they spoke to Judge Barth. “I assume wether to allow Jesse’s testimony or not.” Maddox replied. “Is Rafael concerned about what Jesse will say?” Molly asked. “I think it’s more concerned for how Buchanan will try to spin his words.” Maddox sighed as she watched Rafael walk back to his seat and Buchanan call Jesse to the stand. “I guess Jesse’s up.” Molly stated, giving Maddox a half shrug, half smile.

 


	31. Chapter 31

“Mr. Narbaez...” Buchanan started, but was quickly interrupted by Jesse. “Jesse, please. Mr. Narbaez is my father.” Jesse scrunched up his face in a manner much too young for his age and Maddox watched as a few of the women on the jury had to suppress their chuckles. “You do realize he is extremely attractive in a boy from the wrong side of the tracks kind of way.” Molly whispered in Maddox’s ear when she had rolled her eyes at their reaction. “I do.” Maddox smirked. “Jesse then... when Ms. Maddox proposition you...” “Propositioned?” Jesse chuckled giving Buchanan a amused look as he interrupted him again. Rafael would have rolled his eyes if he hadn’t expected his friend to behave this way. He had told Jesse to be himself knowing that Jesse’s humor was half of his charm. “What would be a better term for her proposal?” Buchanan questioned. “It was more of a conversation... We’re friends, she mentioned wanting to explore different aspects of sex but didn’t want to sleep around. She said if she was going to learn, she may as well learn from someone who knew what they were doing. I teasingly told her that that might ruin sex with other men.” Jesse replied, chuckling slightly. “That confident in your abilities?” Buchanan smirked. “It was a joke.” Jesse smiled, lifting his brows slightly.

“Did she mention whether she had had sex before?”  Buchanan asked. “At the time she told me about an ex from her freshman year of college. I wouldn’t have slept with her if she had been a virgin.” Jesse replied. “Why not?” Buchanan inquired. “Because that’s not how anyone should lose their virginity... even if they think it’s what they want.” Jesse said. “She said she didn’t want to sleep around... were you two exclusive during the time you were sleeping together?” Buchanan asked. “For nearly four years?” Jesse almost blurted, “Maddox didn’t sleep around... I am who I am.” He shrugged, a faint smile twitching at his lips. “So you cheated on her?” Buchanan questioned, lifting a brow. “No. We weren’t in a relationship. She knew who and when, if I slept with someone else. Maddox needed someone safe, someone she trusted, without the fear of hurting them.” Jesse replied. “Safe? Weren’t you risking her health by sleeping with anything that moved?” Buchanan chided. “I don’t expect you to understand the choices I have made, but I will assure you that I’m safe. Condoms are nonnegotiable, I’m more discerning than you give me credit for, and I get tested regularly. I also insisted that Maddox get tested.” Jesse replied, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Do you make it a habit of sleeping with your students?” Buchanan scoffed. “I don’t sleep with my students. Maddox had graduated and had never been one of my student.” Jesse stated. “So you’ve never slept with a former student?” Buchanan asked. “Not that I’m aware of. I guess it possible... I teach an art history class every semester that rosters two hundred plus students. It’s not like I remember every single student I’ve ever taught. No one has mentioned taking my class.” Jesse shrugged.

“So you two talked... Did she ever mention my client?” Buchanan asked, changing the subject. “Not by name, no, but when she came to paint in one of the studios last week she mentioned that Raf was prosecuting the man who raped her... just not for raping her.” Jesse said. “She had told you she had been sexually assaulted and you still ‘taught’ her things?” Buchanan scoffed, emphasizing the word taught. “She didn’t tell me initially, it was only when we started becoming more adventurous that she mentioned being raped. She didn’t go into detail, but needed me to understand that if she said no or stop or that she wasn’t interested in trying something that she meant it.” Jesse stated. “Adventurous how?”  Buchanan inquired, this being his main reason for calling Jesse to the stand. “Objection.” Rafael interjected. “I think we can use our imagination, Mr. Buchanan.” Judge Barth stated, dismissing his line of questioning. “She was open to trying new things... more than just your ordinary, run of the mill sex? At whose suggestion?” Buchanan asked. “If you’re asking who pushed boundaries, that would be me. She wanted to learn, to explore... but she was far too inexperienced to know what to even begin to suggest.” Jesse replied. 

“Did you discuss fantasies or role playing ideas?” Buchanan questioned, trying a different tactic. “Not so much fantasies... I’m mean, I guess you could call it that, but it was really more about exploring her curiosity after a while. I’m not big on role playing... she never brought it up either.” Jesse said. “These fantasies or her curiosity as you put it... Did she ask to be tied up or pinned down... restrained in any way?” Buchanan asked. Rafael almost stood to object. He had the unnerving feeling that Buchanan was turning this into some sort of twisted rape fantasy inquisition. “Never.” Jesse stated before Rafael had a chance to speak, “Maddox needed complete control. She’d start to panic if I tried to pin her down or hold her in place. It was a boundary established early... one she never adjusted.” Rafael glanced over his shoulder at Maddox, who smiled softly at him. He had pinned her arms down the morning she had tried to google him... she hadn’t panicked. Or at least he hoped she hadn’t and he had missed it... no, she had been playful, teasing him with the one bit of information she had found on him, ‘You’re an ADA?’ that silly grin on her face... no she hadn’t panicked. “Oh...” Buchanan muttered, pausing to think about his next question, clearly expecting a different response. “You and Ms. Maddox are close?” Buchanan asked. “We are.” Jesse replied. “Still? Even though she’s in a relationship with Mr. Barba?” Buchanan questioned. “We’re all friends.” Jesse smiled. “You don’t feel like she left you for him?” Buchanan asked. “You don’t get it. Maddox and I were always just friends... we’re still just friends, we just no longer sleep together. It may not make sense to you but aside from today, sex hasn’t even crossed my mind. She loves Raf, one of my closest friends, and he loves her. I’m happy for both of them.” Jesse said. Rafael watched Buchanan pace, having hoped for a more emotional response from Jesse, anything that might give him something to prod at. “If you two are such good friends why do you think she never told you about her father or my client?” Buchanan asked, careful not to mention what Maddox had claimed he had done to her. “She did mention her father and her mother. I’ve spent time with her and Molly. We’ve been extremely good friends for nearly six years. She never went into details of what your client did to her. I still don’t know the details. I just assumed it was something she didn’t want to talk about.” Jesse replied. 

Rafael watched Buchanan pace again, wondering why he had called Jesse as a witness at all. It had to have been to bring up the type of sexual activities they had engaged in and since Judge Barth had dismissed those questions Buchanan seemed to be grasping at straws. Buchanan finally paused and looked at Jesse. “How do you know Mr. Barba?” Buchanan asked, gesturing to Rafael. “His mother was the principal of my high school. She’s an extremely pushy woman and wouldn’t let me skip out on the mentorship program she ran over the summer. Claimed she saw potential and that I’d be throwing my life away if I continued down the path I was on. Raf volunteered for her, or perhaps was coerced... either way, we were matched up and have been friends ever since. He and Mrs. Barba probably saved my life. I’d have never made it to college without either of them.” Jesse smiled. “And what influence did you have on Mr. Barba?” Buchanan quipped. “I like to think I’ve had a positive influence.” Jesse smirked. “No more questions.” Buchanan huffed, slightly irritated that he hadn’t gotten to ask the questions he had really wanted to ask. 

Rafael stood and smiled as he approached Jesse in the witness box. “Jesse.” Rafael nodded. “Raf.” Jesse greeted. “Mr. Barba for the court records.” Rafael corrected. “Yeah, you wish.” Jesse smiled. Rafael chuckled and shook his head before continuing. “The relationship between you and Maddox worked because you communicated, correct?” Rafael asked. “Yes. There had to be complete trust, well she needed to trust me. We discussed everything beforehand in sometimes painstaking detail.” Jesse replied. “No surprises then?” Rafael questioned. “I would sometimes spring something on her but only something we had previously done or already discussed in great detail. After spending four years with someone, whether you’re emotionally involved or not, you learn to read them pretty well. I would have never put Maddox in a situation that would harm her and she knew that. If she felt uncomfortable, all she had to do was say so and we’d stop.” Jesse said. “Had that happened?” Rafael asked. This wasn’t a questioned he had prepped Jesse to answer, but the question about being restrained from Buchanan was still floating around his head. “Had what happened?” Jesse asked for clarification. “Has she ever asked you to stop?” Rafael asked. “Once. It was towards the beginning and I pinned her arms down. She panicked and I don’t mean a tiny freak out telling me to stop. This was a full panic attack. I ended up holding her as she rocked back and forth in my arms trying to regain control of her breathing, tears streaming down her cheeks. I never did anything without talking to her first after that. It was maybe a year later she told me she had been raped. I just assumed the bastard held her down and that’s why she reacted that way.” Jesse shrugged, his demeanor saddened by the memory. “No further questions.” Rafael stated, making his way back to his seat. He had prepped Jesse for a lot more but didn’t feel it was necessary to continue questioning him. “Court will adjourn until tomorrow morning.” Judge Barth stated, banging her gavel to dismiss court for the day. 

Jesse, Maddox and Molly stood in the hall outside the courtroom waiting for Rafael. “You did well up there.” Liv said as she passed Maddox. “Thanks, I think...” Maddox sighed, running her hands through her hair before turning to Liv again, “Crap... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out as rude as it did... I’m just not sure the appropriate response...” “I get it. It’s nerve racking and you never know how the jury is going to interpret you.” Liv said, giving her an understanding smile before turning to leave again. “Hey Liv.” Maddox called. “Yeah.” Liv said turning once more. “You were right... about facing him. It helped.” Maddox said, giving her a weak smile. “I’m glad.” Liv nodded and then turned to leave again.

“Hey.” Rafael said softly, wrapping his arm around Maddox waist. “Hey.” Maddox smiled, the stress of the day melting away as she leaned into him. “What was with that last question?” Jesse asked, clearly not pleased to have shared that moment between him and Maddox with everyone. “Believe me it was necessary. That jury saw you as caring, Paul as a monster, and Maddox as the victim.” Rafael sighed. “When did this trial become about me?” Maddox muttered. “When the defense decided to make it about you. If it makes you feel better I’m pretty sure Buchanan is regretting it.” Rafael smirked. “We are going to grab an early dinner, do you want to join us?” Maddox asked. “I can’t. I need to prep for tomorrow and the judge has given Buchanan until seven to submit a possible new witness.” Rafael sighed. “Who?” Maddox questioned. “Not sure.” Rafael said as he sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. “Oh...” Maddox sighed. “Can I borrow you for a minute before you go?” Rafael asked, glancing at Molly and Jesse. “Sure.” Maddox replied, furrowing her brow as she followed him to the elevator.

“What’s wrong?” She asked once they were in his office. “You don’t like being pinned down?” Rafael half blurted the question. It had been running through his head for so long now. “No.” Maddox whispered. “But I have. You never told me... You didn’t tell me to stop.” Rafael fretted, his eyes intensely scanning hers. “You can be a bit demanding, but when have you pinned me down?” Maddox questioned, racking her brain for what he was referencing. “That morning you googled me. I pinned your arms above your head so you’d have to stop.” He sighed. “Oh...” Maddox chuckled, “I guess you did.” “Really? That’s your response?” Rafael huffed. “Raf... you had stolen my phone and then playfully stopped me from reading about you. It was light and fun and I’m pretty sure I was giggling and teasing you.” She shrugged. “But I held you like that while we...” He trailed off. “I know, and it was intense. You wouldn’t let me look away from you. I wasn’t thinking about anything except the lingering orgasm you insisted on telling me when I could have. I promise nothing about that morning made me uncomfortable. In fact I’m pretty sure I asked you to do it again.” Maddox smiled running her hand along his cheek. “I don’t want to do anything that you’re uncomfortable with.” Rafael sighed, pushing his cheek into her hand. “Everything is different with you. When we’re together I’m completely in the moment, you are the only thing I think about. I’ve never felt the need to mention it.” Maddox said softly. “You barely knew me then.” He sighed. “Do you remember the first time, when I asked you to wait?” Rafael nodded that he did. “You leaned down, looked at me, and asked if I wanted to stop. I can still see the look in your eyes. They were full of concern and need, not a need to finish what we had started, but I need to know that I was ok with it. I’m pretty sure I’ve known from that moment that you’d never hurt me.” Maddox said, her eyes soft as she looked at him. Rafael exhaled and pulled her against him, kissing the top of her head. “I could never hurt you.” “I know. I’m mean if it were really something you were into, I’d probably let you tie me up and do as you wished with me.” Maddox laughed, looking up at him, her eyes widening the moment she realized what she had said. _What is wrong with you... you’d freak the fuck out if he did that._ “It’s a good thing I’m not into that.” Rafael smirked, smushing her face against his chest as he squeezed her back into him. “Thank God...” Maddox sighed with relief. “The arm thing was ok though?” Rafael asked. “Playfully, in the moment... yes.” Maddox smiled.


	32. Chapter 32

“How was dinner?” Rafael asked when he got home. “It was nice. It’s been a while since I spent time with Molly and Jesse. I had forgotten how much they like to pick on each other. Oh! And he’s going to join us for Christmas.” Maddox grinned. “Playing match maker?” Rafael chuckled. “Christ no. That would be weird. Besides, Molly may be single right now, but when she does date she’s completely monogamous, Jesse, well... isn’t.” Maddox shrugged as she watched Rafael look through the pantry for something to eat. “I keep thinking he’ll grow out of that one day, but he never seems to.” He sighed as he closed the pantry, not finding anything he wanted. “I got you something from the restaurant.” Maddox smiled, pulling the container out of the fridge after grabbing a plate. “Bless you.” He smirked as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind while she placed the food in the microwave. “Who’s the new witness?” She asked, turning to face him. Rafael closed his eyes and bit his lip as he exhaled. “James Hunt.” “Oh...” She paused, looking down as the information registered, “Raf, he hates me.” “I really don’t believe that.” Rafael smiled. “It doesn’t really matter whether you believe it or not... he still hates me...” Maddox muttered. “Ok...” He conceded, though he still didn’t believe it. “You know, we could just give Buchanan Alex’s name too. Then the jury can know everyone I’ve ever slept with.” Maddox huffed, turning to pull his food out of the microwave. “Maddox...” Rafael sighed as she handed him the plate. “When?” She questioned, moving to sit in her normal spot at the counter. “Tomorrow morning. He’s up first.” He replied, joining her. “I’ll text Kevin and see if I can come in late.” Maddox sighed. “Is there anything I should know?” Rafael asked. “Like... like what?” She started to hissed, but quickly adjusted her tone, none of this was his fault. “Like why you think he hates you.” He said softly. “He hates me because I didn’t love him.” Maddox murmured. “He doesn’t hate you.” Rafael stated again, a smile pulling at his lips. “Yes he does. The last thing he said to me was that if I knew I couldn’t love him then I never should have slept with him. And he’s right, I shouldn’t have.” Maddox said, tearing the square of paper towel he had brought to use as a napkin into tiny pieces. “You didn’t want to lose your friend.” Rafael sighed. “I lost him anyway. I would have rather have not hurt him in the process.” She grumbled, handing back what was left of his napkin as she stood. “Where are you going?” Rafael asked. “To lay down.” She sighed. “I still have questions.” Rafael said quietly. “Eat and come to bed. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” Maddox shrugged.

Maddox found a seat toward the back of the courtroom and tried to make herself as small as possible. She wanted to hear what James had to say but didn’t really know if she wanted him to notice her. _I_ _should_ _just_ _go_ _to_ _work_... Maddox was about to get up to leave when Rollin sat down next to her. “You and that Jesse guy, huh?” Rollins chuckled. “Aren’t you on maternity leave?” Maddox huffed. “Believe me, I’m not judging... just find it entertaining.” Rollins teased. “That didn’t answer my question.” Maddox smirked, Rollins presence actually making her feel better about being there. “I’m going stir crazy at home. My mom is watching the baby so I can get out for a bit. She’d frown if she knew where I was.” Rollins smiled. “You were here yesterday? I didn’t see you.” Maddox questioned. “Yeah, I was trying to hide from Liv.” Rollins replied. “Did you succeed?” Maddox asked. “No.” Rollins smiled, causing them both to chuckle.

“Wow... he’s like really pretty.” Rollins said as James was sworn in. “Yeah, he modeled his way through college. His goal was to graduate completely debt free.” Maddox whispered. “Did he?” Rollins asked. “I assume. I used to see ads with him all over the place so I know he got work. We stopped talking at the end of our freshman year.” Maddox shrugged. “He’s an ex?” Rollins asked. “He was my best friend.” Maddox sighed as James stated his full name for the record.

“Mr. Hunt, you knew Ms. Maddox in high school correct?” Buchanan asked. “I did. She was one of my best friends.” James replied. His eyes scanned the courtroom and either he didn’t notice her or he made a point not to acknowledge that he had... she couldn’t tell. “And the two of you later dated?” Buchanan continued. “Our freshman year of college.” James said. “For how long?” Buchanan asked. “A few months.” James replied. “During the time you knew her, did she ever mention my client, Paul Owens?” Buchanan questioned, gesturing towards Paul. “No.” James stated. “Did she ever tell you she had been sexually assaulted?” Buchanan asked, lifting a brow. “No.” James said, his voice faltering slightly since Buchanan hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with why he was being called to the stand, only asking him questions he deemed necessary at the time. “Hmm... So you were her best friend and she never mentioned this alleged assault.” Buchanan repeated as though he was pondering the thought out loud for the first time. “Objection. Is there a question?” Rafael interjected. “There is.” Buchanan smiled at Judge Barth. “Then ask it.” She stated. “Would you find it odd for her to not mention something like that to you?” Buchanan asked, turning his attention back to James. “I thought we told each other everything.” James replied. “She told you about her past, her mother for example?” Buchanan questioned. “Yes and that she lived with her aunt because her mom had lost custody of her.” James stated. “Did she ever mention living with her father?” Buchanan asked. “No. I asked about her dad once and the only thing she said was that he had a family, but it didn’t include her. I didn’t pry much after that, my own father left when I was young. It’s not exactly something I like talking about, I assumed she felt the same.” James said. “You were close though. If she had been sexually assaulted this would have been something she would have told you once you started dating?” Buchanan asked. “I would have thought she would have mentioned something like that before we slept together.” James replied. “And yet she never brought up this alleged sexual assault during the time you knew her, correct?” Buchanan asked. “No.” James stated, his eyes softening as they met with hers, confirming that he had noticed her. _I_ _just_ _wanted_ _to_ _be_ _normal_... Maddox thought, her eyes dropping to her lap before he looked away. “I see... maybe because it never happened.” Buchanan suggested to the jury, quickly moving on to his next question before Rafael could object, “Why did you break up?” “Because she didn’t feel the same way about me that I did for her.” James huffed. “You loved her, but she didn’t love you?” Buchanan inquired. “Yeah. I never understood why she agreed to date me in the first place if she knew she didn’t feel like that about me.” James replied, a sadness in his voice that made Maddox wish she had gone to work. “No more questions.” Buchanan stated, moving smugly back to his seat for the first time since he had introduced Maddox to the jury.

“How did you transition from friendship to relationship?” Rafael asked from his seat. “What do you mean?” James asked, glaring at Rafael, recognizing him from the Super Bowl party Jesse had thrown. He and Maddox sharing a private moment on the couch, before the awkward exchange between the three of them when she looked up to find James staring at them. “Did you talk to her about changing the dynamic of your relationship?” Rafael asked. “Not exactly.” James muttered. “Then how did you start dating?” Rafael asked. “I kissed her.” James replied. “And then you talked?” Rafael questioned, choosing this moment to stand. James’ eyes met with Maddox’s again and he knew she had told him about their first time. “No. We continued to kiss.” James said. “Is that all you did?” Rafael pushed. “No... It’s not like she tried to stop it.” James huffed, defensively. “No, but you didn’t give her much of a chance to tell you how she felt either did you?” Rafael accused. “No, but...” James stammered. “And after, she tried the relationship, correct?” Rafael interrupted before James could get his thoughts together. “She did.” James stated. “In fact wasn’t it you who broke up with her?” Rafael asked. “Yes.” James answered. “Because she wouldn’t say she loved you?” Rafael added. “Yes.” James muttered. “How long did you give her?” Rafael asked. “What?” James snapped, furrowing his brow. “How long did you date before you expected her to tell you she loved you?” Rafael rephrased. “How long was it before she said it to you?” James countered. He hadn’t been sitting in the courtroom to hear her testimony. He didn’t talk to anyone who knew her to know she loved Rafael. He knew though. He could tell from the way she looked at him, both now and that night at Jesse’s party. “Longer than a few months.” Rafael said calmly, despite the brief pull at the corner of his lips as he fought the smirk that threatened. “We were together for three months but had been friends for almost three years. If she didn’t know whether she loved me by then, she was never going to.” James stated. “If she had stopped the initial kiss and told you she wasn’t interested. How would you have have taken it?” Rafael asked. “I don’t know.” James shrugged. “Would you have still been her friend?” Rafael questioned. “If I had wanted to be her friend I wouldn’t have kissed her.” James sighed.

“How old were you when you met Maddox?” Rafael asked. “Seventeen.” James replied. “And how old was she?” Rafael asked, pushing his bottom lip up and lifting his brows. “Fifteen. She skipped a grade and has a summer birthday. Mines in the fall. We were in the same grade.” James stammered. “So you met her shortly after she left her fathers home?” Rafael asked, ignoring his reaction to the previous question. Their age difference wasn’t why he had asked it. “I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t know she had lived with her father.” James said. “Hmmm... We know she live with him, Senator Feldman confirmed it himself. Why do you think she would have kept something as benign as living with her father from you?” Rafael questioned. “Her father’s Senator Feldman?” James muttered before answering, “Things had to have been pretty bad I guess.” James looked at Maddox again. “Like maybe being sexually assaulted by her fathers friend while living there?” Rafael questioned. “Objection.” Buchanan called. “Withdrawn. No more questions.” Rafael stated.

“Court will take a ten minute break.” Judge Barth stated. Maddox made her way to Rafael as everyone seemed to scatter out of the courtroom to stretch their legs or whatnot. “I’m going to head to work.” She said when she reached him. “Ok. Did you call the car service?” Rafael asked. “No, I’ll take the train. I need some space to think before I get to work.” Maddox replied, her eyes pleading with him not to fight her on this. He hadn’t received even a hang up in weeks. “Fine. Please be careful and text me when you get there.” He sighed. “I promise.” She smiled. Rafael leaned over the railing to give her quick kiss before she left.

Maddox had barely made it out of the courthouse when she heard her name. “James? Hi.” She stammered as he approached her. “Did that guy rape you?” James blurted. The trial not having been anything he had expected, though Buchanan had been fairly vague. He truly hadn’t known what to expect. Maddox closed her eyes and bit her lip before looking at him again. “When I was fourteen.”She nodded. “You never told me...” He said, looking confused and slightly hurt. “I met you less than a year later... I was still processing everything. I didn’t want anyone to know. At the time I blamed myself for what happened, for letting him into my room that night... part of me still blames myself.” Maddox sighed. “Is that why you cried? Because it was the first time since... him?” James asked. Maddox eyes darted between his before she closed them to blink away tears that threatened. “Partially... so many emotions where happening after... It was just easier to tell you I was overwhelmed than to try to explain.” Maddox replied. “I always thought it was because you thought you had made a mistake... with me.” He murmured. “The only thing I regret is hurting you. I’m glad you where the first person I chose to have sex with. I should have told you about Paul, but...” She shrugged and pushed her bottom lip up. “You weren’t ready, I get it.” James assured her. “I am sorry.” Maddox apologized. “I’ll live.” He shrugged, “You didn’t tell your boyfriend?” “That I cried?” She questioned. “Yeah, I thought for sure he was going to bring it up, but he never did.” James said, sounding somewhat relieved. “I didn’t tell him. I don’t typically keep things from him. Especially when he’s directly asking me about something like he was for your testimony, but I felt I had already hurt you enough... I didn’t want that dragged out too.” Maddox said. “You couldn’t have asked him not to use it?” James asked. “I could have, but he wants Paul in jail. He’d risk a fight with me to achieve that.” Maddox replied. “I can’t blame him for that, I want that fucker in jail too.” He muttered, tucking a bit of her hair behind her ear like he used to... like Rafael does now. Maddox smiled at the familiarity. “Would it have helped?” James questioned. “Possibly... I really don’t know.” She shrugged. “Did I hurt your case? I was still upset with you when I was on the stand.” James asked. “It’s not my case, it’s my sisters. You don’t hate me anymore?” She asked, her voice soft. “I never hated you. I was upset and didn’t consider that you might be going through something, I was so focused on how I felt.” He sighed. “Oh... I always thought you hated me.” Maddox breathed. “You couldn’t help the way you felt... it just hurt too much to be around you.” James shrugged.

“Why did they call me to testify if it’s your sisters case?” James asked after a short bit of silence. “To try to discredit me after my testimony yesterday. The defense has been trying to make it out like I’m obsessed and looking for revenge, getting my sister to help me. Either Buchanan didn’t know Paul raped me or he didn’t expect it to come out. Now he’s attempting to cast doubt on my accusation.” Maddox replied. “I didn’t even know you had a sister...” He said quietly. “Half sister... my fathers side, we’re not close.” Maddox stated, not bothering to hide her contempt for her father. “That guy is a friend of your fathers?” James asked. “I don’t think they’re friends anymore.” Maddox replied. “Of course not, you and your sister. No one would remain friends with someone after that.” He said, shaking his head as though his previous question had been ridiculous. _She’s_ _the_ _only_ _one_ _that_ _mattered_... “No they wouldn’t.” She agreed, the truth being too much to explain. “Do you have time to stop for coffee? Maybe catch up a bit?” James asked. “I actually need to get to work. I already texted my boss I was on my way.” Maddox lied, begging off... she hadn’t texted Kevin. It was nice to talk to James again but she feared the only thing they’d talk about was her past... the trial, and she had done enough of that lately. That and she didn’t want to have to justify getting coffee with James to Rafael. She was sure he wouldn’t care but the time they ran into James at Jesse’s party Rafael had seemed slightly jealous. There was no need to even risk him feeling that way again. As much as she had missed James as a friend over the years she had made peace with him being a part of her past. “Maybe another time.” He suggested. “Another time.” She replied, knowing this was just something to say, neither of them had the others number. “You’re happy with the, too old for you, lawyer?” James teased. “Very happy.” Maddox smiled, returning the quick hug he offered before starting to descend the steps of the courthouse. “I’m glad.” He said, causing her to turn back to face him. “Are you happy?” She asked. “Very happy.” He smiled. Maddox smiled and then turned to continue down the steps.

“How was work?” Rafael asked, playfully pulling her against him as he crawled in bed. “Raf...” Maddox chuckled, trying to mark her place in her book before she lost the page she was on. She hadn’t wanted to fall asleep before he got home but had been tired enough to lay down. “It was fine. I’m moving into my new office tomorrow.” She smiled, curling against him after placing the book on her nightstand. “That’s exciting.” He smiled. “It is.” She smirked, “How’d the rest of Buchanan’s witnesses go today?” “Your sister has made a few enemies over the years but overall it wasn’t too bad. I would be surprised if any of the jurors changed their minds based on the testimonies from today.” Rafael shrugged. “Even after James?” She questioned. “Even after James.” He assured her. “We talked when I left the courthouse today.” Maddox said. “You and James?” Rafael questioned. “Yeah. It was good. I think we both got a little closure.” She smiled. “I told you he didn’t hate you.” He smirked. “It’s just Paul left?” Maddox asked, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Yes. Are you going to be there for it?” Rafael questioned. “No. I have no interest in anything he has to say.” She muttered. “Let’s not talk about the trial anymore.” He suggested. “Ok, what do you want to talk about then?” She asked. “How much you love me.” Rafael teased. “You’re a goob.” Maddox chuckled as he playfully pulled her closer, not letting her wiggle away. “Maybe, but you still love me.” He chuckled, pushing his fingers into her hair and pulling her head back so she’d look at him. “Yes, yes I do.” She smiled as he leaned in to kiss her.


	33. Chapter 33

Rafael fiddled with his phone as he sat at the prosecution desk waiting for Buchanan to arrive. Everyone was waiting for Buchanan. The jury looked annoyed, while Judge Barth seemed to become increasingly impatient as the minutes ticked by. The courtroom doors flung open with Buchanan apologizing for the late arrival as he hurried to the defense desk. “Where’s your client Mr. Buchanan?” Judge Barth asked. “He’s... uh... he’s...” Buchanan stammered. “Have you not spoken with him today?” Judge Barth questioned. Rafael looked over his shoulder, his eyes meeting with Liv’s. “I have not. If I could indulge you for a brief recess?” Buchanan smiled. “He’s you last witness?” Judge Barth asked. “He is.” Buchanan replied. “You have thirty minutes to get him here or we start with summations.” Judge Barth ordered. “You want me to check on Maddox?” Liv asked Rafael after making her way through the crowd of people exiting to stretch their legs. “Yes, take Carisi with you. Have Dodds and Fin start checking flights.” Rafael said, simultaneously texting Liv Maddox’s work address.

“What is the trial about?” Kevin asked as he helped Maddox move things from her cubicle to his old office, her new office. “My sister has been sexually assaulted by one of my fathers friends for years. She’s just now got up the courage to stop him.” Maddox replied hoping that would be enough to satisfy his curiosity, though it was Kevin so she doubted it. “And the defense called you to testify... in a case your boyfriend is prosecuting? That makes absolutely no sense.” He muttered. “You remember that nineties movie, The Crush, with Alicia Silverstone?” She asked. “Do you?” Kevin chuckled, “What were you three?” “I watched it on Netflix a few years ago.” Maddox smirked, rolling her eyes. “What about it?” Kevin smiled. “I lived with my father for two years when I was around fourteen. The defense was trying to turn me into the something resembling that character... only ten years later. That I was conspiring with my sister as some sort of revenge. It’s ridiculous.” Maddox scoffed. “They didn’t succeed did they?” He asked. “Raf doesn’t think so, but you can never tell what a jury’s thinking...” She shrugged. “You’ve never mentioned having a sister.” Kevin noted as they carried the last two boxes of things into her office. “Half sister. I have a half brother too. We’re not close though, my father and Rebecca made sure of that. She was eight and he was eleven when I went to live with Molly.” Maddox replied, seeming rather apathetic to her family dynamics, so he let it go.

“It did not seem like there was this much stuff in your cubicle.” Kevin chuckled. Everything that had been stored nice and orderly behind closed doors was piled in boxes and scattered on every surface of her new office. “It wont seem like much stuff once things are put back in cabinets and drawers in this office either.” Maddox smirked. “I’ll let you start organizing things and swing back by around eleven, we can do lunch... maybe shop for something to spruce the place up a bit.” He smirked. “What, like a plant?” She laughed, since she had managed to kill the one he asked her to water while on vacation a year or so ago. “Something like that.” Kevin smiled. He had barely made it to the door when Maddox noticed. “Did you close the blinds?” She asked. “What?” He questioned, turning to face her. “The blinds,” she said, gesturing to the ones covering the window looking out over the sea of cubicles, “I could have sworn they were open.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kevin replied with a little smirk so she assumed he was messing with her. “Lunch at eleven.” Maddox smiled, shaking her head as he left.

“Hmmm...” She murmured, furrowing her brow at the five missed calls from Rafael. Maddox unlocked her phone to call him back when she noticed the text. “Please text me so I know you’re safe. Paul didn’t show up for court and Buchanan doesn’t seem to know where he is. Liv and Carisi are on their way to you.” The text wasn’t that old, maybe ten minutes. Maddox stood at her desk as she texted him back. “I’m fine. Kevin was helping me move things into my office and I left my phone on my desk or I would have responded sooner. I’ll leave my door open for Liv and Carisi.” She sat her phone back down and turned her attention to the pile on the low cabinet unit behind her desk. She had barely started sorting through things when she heard the door shut. “Hey L...” She started with the intention of greeting both Liv and Carisi, losing her voice completely as she watched Paul click the lock on her door.

“Hi Susie.” Paul smiled slowly stalking towards her. “Jesus... were you hiding behind the door?” Maddox questioned as her brain starting to work again... at least enough to keep the desk between them. “It worked well enough.” He smirked moving back to put himself between her and the door when she got close to the front of her desk. Maddox stopped and moved back towards her starting point as he advanced on her from the other side. “What do you want?” She asked, the two of them moving around her desk like magnets flipped so they pushed away from the other. “You know... you’re the only one I’ve only had once.” Paul said, smiling when she froze. “How many have there been?” Maddox asked, trying to buy time. “I put a lot of work into you and then you just left.” He huffed, ignoring her question. “Work?” She asked, wanting to keep him talking. To keep him talking preferably on the opposite side of the desk from her. “Yes work,” he hissed, “you took forever to open up to me. You’re stubborn and strong willed like Arther. Sydney is meek like her mother. That’s how Arther prefers his women, meek and eager to please. Your mom was that way too. I can still see her following him around at the bar we’d go to after work, fetching him beers and anything else he wanted. Not you though. You didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I though for sure with how they treated you, like you were a decorative present they hated but couldn’t get rid of in case the person who gave it to them stopped by, that you’d warm up to me faster. You think I really cared about all those books you read?” Paul scoffed. “You knew my mother?” Maddox asked. “How many Megan’s has Arther fucked?” Paul chuckled, “Of course he got smarter and wore condoms after you were born, at least until his vasectomy.” “He still cheats on Rebecca?” Maddox muttered mostly to herself. “She pretends she doesn’t know but she does. He’s got his type and I’ve got mine.” He shrugged advancing on her again. “They know you’re missing. People are coming here to look for you.” Maddox blurted, hoping maybe he would run, not wanting to be caught. “I’m going to jail anyway at this point.” He smiled, moving quicker than she expected, his hand grasping her arm before she could get out of reach. “Please don’t...” She barely whispered when he pulled her to him. 

_Fucking_ _move_... _hit_ _him_ , _kick_ _him_... _scream_... _do_ _something_! Maddox’s brain was yelling at her but her body remained paralyzed with fear. Paul’s arm was wrapped tightly around her waist, his scent filling her nostrils. He smelled exactly the same, a distinct mix nutmeg and orange with an earthy undertone... it turned her stomach. “You know, you’re a little too old for me now, but I’ll make an exception.” Paul purred, running his free hand through her hair. Her body finally responded and she pushed against his chest trying to pull away screaming for help. “Would you shut up, I don’t have much time as it is.” Paul grumbled, back handing her across the face hard enough to quiet her. Maddox reached for her cheek, she knew it would be red, possibly bruised. The sting was familiar, reminiscent of the time she spent in the group home. Those girls had really liked to slap... always going for the face or hair. She had hardly recognized herself in the mirror by the time she got placed with Frank and Gina. “No.” Maddox croaked, pulled back to reality when Paul started dragging her toward the couch that sat along the wall facing her desk. She tried to pull away again. Tried to get to the door. Tried to get herself separated from him but his grip on her was tight and the more she struggled the more strength he put behind his hold. Part of her had always thought he had overpowered her so easily because she had only been fourteen but he was still so much stronger than her. “You know, I have no problem with you being unconscious.” Paul threatened, gripping her hair and yanking her head back hard enough to immobilize her. Every time she struggled against his grip it hurt, and not just the pull on her hair. That she could handle. It was the angle he held her neck at. Each movement sent a searing pain through her neck and shoulders so she stopped fighting hoping he’d relax his hold. “Good girl.” He smirked, slowly walking them towards the couch.

Desperately, Maddox pushed at him when they reached the couch and he let her hair go. She tried to run again so he gripped her waist and threw her on the couch, her head hitting the armrest. “Fuck...” She groaned, reaching for her head as it pounded loudly in her ears. The mid century styled couch didn’t have much padding and it felt as though her head had just been struck by a block of wood. Things were fuzzy, her eyes wouldn’t focus. She tried to get up but felt herself being pushed back down and then what felt like someone sitting on her. _How_ _hard_ _did_ _I_ _hit_ _my_ _head_... She thought as her head continued to throbbed and suddenly she remembered Paul. She still couldn’t focus her eyes. A blob moving over her. The ringing in her ears so loud she couldn’t hear clearly beyond it. “Help me... please.” She managed but she couldn’t tell how loud she had spoken. She hadn’t heard herself but she had thought she heard him laugh. There was a tug at the waist of her pants so she tried again and again and again, not knowing if she was yelling or barely speaking as she fought not to succumb to the impending darkness. Eventually it took over and everything surrounding her disappeared.


	34. Chapter 34

“Do you really think he’d risk coming here?” Carisi asked as he and Liv rode up the elevator. “Honestly, he seems like the self preservation type. I’d assume he’s attempting to leave the country.” Liv replied. “But coming here was your suggestion.” Carisi said, furrowing his brow. “She’s Barba’s girlfriend. I’m not taking a chance on being wrong.” Liv stated. “He seems happier, less short tempered since she came around.” Carisi noted. “That he does.” Liv chuckled as the doors opened. “I’m Kevin, security notified me that you were on your way up. Is there something I can help you with?” He asked, greeting them as they exited the elevator. “I’m Lieutenant Benson and this is Detective Carisi, we’re looking for Susan Maddox.” Liv replied. “Is she in some kind of trouble?” Kevin asked. “No. We’re here to check in with her. She knows we’re coming.” Carisi said. “I’ll show you to her office.” Kevin smiled, gesturing for them to follow.

“I was with her maybe thirty minutes ago. She didn’t mention that you were coming.” Kevin said as he guided them past cubicle after cubicle. “I’m not sure when Barba texted her.” Liv stated, noting how easily it would be to go unnoticed if you wanted to sneak through here. The cubicles created hallway like paths with lots of little juts to hide in, especially with most of them being empty due to the impending holiday. “It’s the office just ahead.” Kevin said, pointing to the door at the end of the walkway they had just turned down. The door was shut which immediately gave Liv a bad feeling since Rafael had texted that Maddox said she’d leave it open for them. “Maddox!” Liv called as she knocked. There was no answer. She tried the door but found it to be locked. “I have a key, it was my office until last week and we haven’t changed the locks yet.” Kevin said pulling his keys from his pocket, holding the key up when he found the correct one. Carisi took it from him and opened the door.

Paul smiled at them as they entered, Maddox laying unconscious in front of him, her pants either almost pulled back up or barely starting to be pulled down, it was hard to tell. “I think I’ll keep you in the dark on whether I just finished or barely started.” Paul laughed when Carisi pulled him off the couch, cuffing him as he read him his rights. “Jesus...” Kevin stammered as he watched Liv check Maddox for a pulse and Carisi radio for a bus. “Are you going to call Barba?” Carisi asked Liv, who chewed her lip as she thought. “Can I be here when you do?” Paul smiled. “Get him out of here.” Liv hissed. Carisi pushed Paul towards the elevator, to take him back to the precinct. Liv pulled out her phone, texting Barba to call when they were through with summations, knowing they had started already.

Maddox groaned. There were lights and sounds but everything was blurry and muffled and her head was throbbing. “Maddox?” She barely heard her name and started to drift off again. “Maddox! Stay with me.” _Is_ _that_ _Liv_... Nothing made sense. Nothing seemed right. _Am_ _I_ _moving?_ “Maddox?” Liv said again and she tried to open her eyes. To actually focus them. “My head...” Maddox grumbled, trying to reach for it, panicking when she realized she was being held down. “Breath Maddox. You’re in an ambulance, the restraints are only for transportation.” Liv assured her. “Fuck, my head.” Maddox groaned, squeezing her eyes shut. When she opened them again her vision finally started to focus. Equipment mounted and securely strapped along the walls. The paramedic starting to move towards her as Liv sat just to her left. “What happened?” Maddox whispered, looking between the two. “Hey Maddox, I’m Adam. I’m going to ask you a few questions ok?” The paramedic said as he traded places with Liv. “Ok.” Maddox nodded, almost immediately regretting the head movement. “When’s your birthday?” “July nineteenth.” Maddox answered. Adam turned to Liv to verify that was correct but she made a face to say she didn’t know. “What’s your middle name?” Adam asked. “Nicole.” Maddox replied and again Liv indicated she didn’t know if that was correct or not. This time Maddox laughed, finding it funny that Liv had put a whole file together on her but didn’t know some of the basic information. “Ow...” She muttered, regretting the laugh when the pain in her head surged. “Do you know what day it is?” Adam asked. “Thursday... I know Tuesday was the fifteenth so... December seventeenth?” Maddox rarely paid attention to the actual date unless she had something scheduled. She had testified on Tuesday. “Your deductive reasoning seems intact.” Adam chuckled at her round about way of getting to the correct date.

“Oh my god! Paul!” Maddox blurted as pieces of her morning came back to her. “He’s in custody.” Liv said. “Did he...” Maddox croaked, her voice trailing off as tears slid down her cheek. “I was going to ask you that. You were unconscious when we got there. Kevin let us in and Paul was either just starting or had redressed you.” Liv replied. “I blacked out after hitting my head. The last thing I remember was trying to yell for help as he tugged at my pants. I was so out of it though...” Maddox sighed. “I can help you walk back through it, see if you recall something.” Liv offered. “What time did you get there?” Maddox asked, suddenly remembering the text from Rafael. “We signed in with security at ten ten.” Liv said. “So you probably got to my office around ten fifteen?” Maddox questioned. “Sounds right.” Liv nodded. “I remember texting Raf back around ten, noting the time of his text because I had hoped he hadn’t been worried too long. Paul was already hiding in my office, he shut the door when I turned to start putting things away behind my desk. We moved around my desk talking as I tried to keep him away from me... I don’t know for how long but by the time he got me to the couch he couldn’t have had more than ten minutes, probably less...” Maddox said. “That’s not a lot of time.” Liv said reassuringly. “Is it enough time?” Maddox questioned, wanting Liv’s professional opinion. “I’ve worked cases where it took less time.” Liv sighed. “I almost think this is worse...” Maddox grumbled. “The not knowing?” Liv asked. “Yes. At least the first time I knew what happened. I can remember every painful moment. The way his hands gripped around my wrist beside my shoulders as he supported his weight on them. Now I’m just transposing moments from then to now, not even knowing if anything actually happened.” Maddox said swallowing back tears. “It’s invasive but a rape kit should give you an answer.” Liv suggested. “I have to know.” Maddox sighed.

“We’ll get you back for a CT after Cindy is through with your exam.” Dr. Kahn said once she was through with her initial exam. “A MRI.” Maddox corrected. “The CT is faster.” Dr Kahn stated. “I’m not ok with the radiation used and the time difference between the CT and the MRI is not substantial enough to make me change my mind.” Maddox stated firmly. “I actually agree with you on that, I’ll put in for a MRI.” Dr. Kahn smiled. “Then why offer the other?” Maddox asked curiously. “Hospital policy.” Dr. Kahn shrugged. “You know how long a CT scan takes versus a MRI?” Liv questioned, lifting her brow. “I read a lot. It’s both a blessing and a curse.” Maddox chuckled. Cindy handed her a hospital gown and instructed her on which bag to put each garment of clothing in. “Do you want me to wait outside?” Liv asked. “Not really.” Maddox said shaking her head. “Ok.” Liv nodded.

“Raf hasn’t called yet?” Maddox asked as she moved from behind the curtain to the exam table shifting to where Cindy wanted her. “He must still be in court. I can try calling if you want?” Liv offered. “No. I’d like to know if Paul did anything before I talk to him.” Maddox sighed. “Test may still be out when he calls.” Liv informed her, wanting her to know this wouldn’t be instant. “Then we’ll deal with it when he calls.” Maddox said, her mood sinking even more not wanting Rafael to have to suffer through not knowing. _You_ _put_ _too_ _much_ _on_ _yourself_... Her therapist words invaded her mind but she dismissed them, noting to make an appointment. Maddox stared at the ceiling as Cindy scrapped, poke, prodded... whatever she was doing down there to collect evidence. “When is the last time you had consensual sex?” Cindy asked after sealing up the last container and handing Maddox a pair of scrubs. “Last night.” Maddox whispered as though Liv didn’t know she and Rafael had sex. _Really_... Maddox internally rolled her eyes at herself. She had literally told Liv and a room full of stranger about her sex life only two days ago. “You may need to get a DNA sample from him to rule him out if you didn’t use protection.” Cindy stated.. “Jesus...” Maddox muttered. “The kit will be processed through our lab. We’ll get what we need from Barba if we have to.” Liv reassured her. Cindy started photographing the bruise on Maddox’s cheek, the ones on her wrist and hips that Maddox hadn’t even noticed, then turned to document the wounds that couldn’t easily be photographed in the paperwork.

“Did he call?” Maddox asked when she was brought back to the room after the MRI. “He did. He’s on his way.” Liv replied. “Ok...” Maddox said, letting out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “You seemed relieved.” Liv smiled. “I think I am.” Maddox half chuckled. They sat in silence for a moment before Maddox spoke again. “Did you tell him?” “You think he’d let me off the phone without telling him?” Liv countered, giving her a you know better than that look. “Good. I think it’s easier that you told him, I can just fill in blanks if he has questions.” Maddox sighed. “Easier for you.” Liv smirked.

Dr. Kahn came back when the MRI results were in. “There is no bleeding or swelling of your brain, but I’d say you’ve sustained a substantial concussion. You may experience headaches, fatigue, dizziness, trouble concentrating... there will be a full list of things to look for in your discharge paperwork.” Dr. Kahn stated. “For how long?” Maddox asked. “Most likely a few days, at most a few weeks. If symptoms get worse you may be doing too much and need to take it easy. The best thing you can do is give your brain time to rest which unfortunately includes both physical and mental activities.” Dr. Kahn replied. “A nurse will be in shortly to go over the discharge paperwork and then you’ll be free to go. Take tomorrow off and rest this weekend.” Dr. Kahn added as she opened the door to leave.

Rafael arrived while they were waiting for the nurse. “Are you ok?” He asked, quickly moving to her side. “I just have a concussion. A nurse should be in soon to discharge me.” Maddox said. “Do you know whether he...” Rafael asked, trailing off. “No.” Maddox sighed, looking up at him, “I really don’t feel like anything happened but I wasn’t conscious so I can’t be sure.” “Melinda has put a rush on it.” Liv interjected. “How long will it take?” Maddox asked. “We can swing by after you’re discharged if you want, see what she’s found.” Liv stated. “Can we stop by the apartment so I can shower and change first?” Maddox cringed, gesturing to the scrubs that she assumed had been cleaned but were spotted with a few mystery stains. “We can.” Liv nodded. The nurse doing the discharge had been quick, almost seeming to be in a rush to get to other patients, but was nice enough to indulge Rafael, answering his many questions about her recovery.

Liv and Rafael waited in the living room while Maddox searched the closet for something to wear. She could hear them talking, soft muffled voices... too soft to make out what they were saying. It was almost odd, someone else being there... almost. Other than the night they met and the unfortunate time Arther and Sydney stopped by, it had alway just been the two of them. Their own little place of solitude in the city. _Maybe_ _we_ _should_ _invite_ _people_ _over_ _sometime?_ _Have_ _a_ _dinner_ _party_ _or_ _whatever_ _adults_ _do_... _He_ _seems_ _to_ _like_ _it_ _this_ _way_ _though_... _undisturbed_ _and_ _quiet_. Maddox chuckled to herself as she thought about that first time she dropped by his place unannounced, how surprised he had looked. Realizing now that he would have seemed surprised to see almost anyone at his door, even his mom didn’t randomly stop by. “Maddox!” Rafael called. “I’m coming.” She replied, pulling a gray fitted pencil skirt and a white long sleeve blouse off their hangers, quickly changing into them and the underwear she had grabbed before entering the closet.

“Hey Melinda. We were wondering what you could tell us about Maddox’s rape kit.” Liv said as the three of them entered the lab. “I’m mean there’s no tearing or anything inconsistent with consensual sex sometime with in the last few days. We found a trace amount of semen but it wasn’t a match to Paul Owens and CSU didn’t find a used condom in your office or on Mr. Owens person. In fact there weren’t any fluids found on anything in your office or clothing. Given the information Liv gave me over the phone and the kit results, I’d say he didn’t get a chance to do anything.” Melinda replied, looking to Maddox. “That’s a relief.” Maddox breathed, leaning against Rafael as the stress of the day seemed to hit her all at once. She felt pretty confident, just based on how she felt down there that nothing had happened but needed some sort of confirmation since her mind wasn’t a reliable source. Rafael still had his arm around her for support when his phone rang. “Barba.” Rafael answered. “What is it?” Maddox asked after he hung up. “Jury’s back.” He stated, looking slightly surprised, having not expected it so soon. “That’s good, right?” Maddox asked. “Either really good or really bad. Considering he missed his own testimony, I’d say it’s good.” Rafael smirked.

This time when Maddox sat in the courtroom, she sat next to Liv and the other detectives, directly behind Rafael. Sydney, her father, Tanner, and Rebecca sat on the row behind them. Paul was back at the defense desk, next to Buchanan. “Has the jury reached a verdict?” Judge Barth asked. “We have.” The foreman stated. Maddox listened as he read off a guilty verdict for each charge Rafael had brought against Paul. “Considering the stunt he pulled today the judge will most likely give him the max on sentencing, no matter who his father is.” Liv whispered to Maddox. “Thank you for today. For showing up when you did.” Maddox smiled softly getting up when Sydney called to her. “Thank you.” Arther said reaching his hand to Rafael to shake. “If I had my way you’d be joining him behind bars. This was for them.” Rafael huffed, glancing towards Maddox and Sydney who were talking at the end of a row, ignoring Arther’s hand. “For Sydney then, thank you.” Arther said. “And Maddox.” Rafael snapped.

“Did Paul come after you this morning? Is that why he wasn’t in court?” Sydney asked, staring at the bruise on Maddox’s cheek. “It could have been worse.” Maddox shrugged, not wanting to relive the morning again. “Thank you for testifying.” Sydney smiled as she wiped away tears. “I wasn’t exactly given a choice.” Maddox chuckled. “I know but my testimony was awful. That Buchanan guy made me out to seem unstable. Yours... he didn’t get to you.” Sydney said. “I’ve had longer to process than you have.” Maddox replied. “This is true.” Sydney stated. “Hey, I know dad thinks that therapist are for the weak minded or something equally stupid, but talking to someone helps.” Maddox said. “I’ve already scheduled an appointment for after the holidays.” Sydney smiled. “I’m here too, if you need.” Maddox offered, not knowing for sure whether she wanted her to except it or not. “I appreciate that.” Sydney nodded, shrugging apologetically and leaving as her father called her to join them.

“Are you ready to go home?” Rafael asked when she joined him by the prosecution desk. “I am.” Maddox smiled, taking his hand as they left. “How are you really feeling?” Rafael asked. “A bit beat up but so much better after talking to that lady in the lab.” Maddox said. “Melinda.” Rafael chuckled, “How’s your head?” “Throbbing, but my ears have stopped ringing, my vision is normal, and I don’t feel dizzy so I’m not complaining.” Maddox sighed. “Are you hungry?” He asked. “Starving.” Maddox replied, realizing she hadn’t eaten anything since toast for breakfast that morning.


	35. Chapter 35

“Are you sure you’re up for going to this thing?” Rafael asked as they got dressed. “It’s the agency’s Christmas Party not a marathon. Besides, after Thursday Kevin is probably going crazy wanting to know what happened.” Maddox chuckled. “Does he know?” Rafael questioned. “About what Paul did to me in the past?” She asked. “Yes.” He nodded. “No. Up until Sydney walked out of Liv’s office the only people I had told were Molly, Jesse, you, and my shrink. I enjoy Kevin’s banter, gossiping about which guys we think are hot, and our work relationship, but I don’t think I want him knowing what happened to me when I was younger. I’ll tell him Paul knew he was going to jail and wanted revenge or something. Just address the present.” Maddox said, straightening his tie. “You look good in red.” Rafael smirked, tangling his hand in her hair. “I know what you’re doing and it wont distract me, we’re going.” Maddox chuckled, pulling away from him to grab her shoes. “So who are these guys you think are hot?” He questioned, following her out of the bedroom.

“Jesus, Maddox, you look like shit.” Kevin said, holding her face so he could look at the bruise better. “Thanks,” Maddox chuckled, “you remember Rafael.” “I do. It’s good to see you again. I heard you got that bastard twenty years.” Kevin said, shaking his hand. “Twenty five.” Rafael smirked. “Where’s the bar set up?” Maddox asked. “Over by Penny’s office.” Kevin replied, pointing to the bar on the other side of the open space they had set up for the party. “I’ll get it, you want a martini?” Rafael asked. “Yes.” Maddox nodded. “He’s got a nice ass.” Kevin smirked as Rafael walked away, once he was out of ear shot. “Yes he does.” Maddox chuckled. “So how are youreally?” Kevin asked. “I’m fine. Things could have been a lot worse.” Maddox said, dismissively.

“What about that one, talking to Julie?” Kevin asked pointing at a guy across the room when Rafael returned. “Hmmm... I’d say he’s an eight, maybe nine.” Maddox said, taking her drink from Rafael. “Julie always brings a hot date.” Kevin mumbled. “Is this what you meant when you said you gossiped about which guys are hot?” Rafael questioned, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Kevin can’t help himself. We do this when we go out for lunch too.” Maddox chuckled. “I like to look and it’s not like we’re mean. We just rate the ones the otheralready thinks is attractive. We never pick someone to criticize for being a two or something.” Kevin explained. “I’m not judging.” Rafael smirked. “Why didn’t you bring anyone? That Dave guy from last year was pretty easy on the eyes.” Maddox asked. “Yeah, he also turned out to be a complete asshat. I’m doing the single thing right now.” Kevin grumbled. “Don’t sound so excited about it.” Maddox chuckled.

They had been at the party for a while. Karen from accounting had already drunkenly sang along to Santa Baby, while standing on a table. She would be thankful to know she had sounded halfway decent, despite the inevitable embarrassment. “What is it about work Christmas Parties that make people do embarrassing things?” Maddox chuckled as she pulled Rafael away from the main party space. “That would be the open bar.” Rafael smirked. “They do always have good booze.” Maddox smiled. “Have you ever gotten drunk at one of these?” Rafael asked. “I always stop drinking when I start to feel it... or at least pace them out. I’ve never been drunk.” She replied, opening a door and pulling him through it. “You’ve never been drunk?” He asked looking at her curiously. “My mothers an addict.” Maddox shrugged. “And you need to be in control.” Rafael stated. “So my shrink says...” She sighed, clicking the lock on the door. The sound sending a shiver down her spine but she ignored it.

“Where are we?” Rafael whispered when she ran her hands into his hair. The blinds were pulled on both the window facing outside and the window over looking the cubicles so the room was fairly dark. “My office.” Maddox purred, tugging him toward her lips. “Maddox...” He said, exhaling and pulling back from her. “What?” She pouted. “I’m all for sneaking off to have sex in your office but not like this.” He said, lifting her chin so she’d look at him. “And how’s this?” Maddox huffed. “To cover up how you’re feeling about Paul being in here.” Rafael sighed. “I just want to replace the memory with something pleasant...” She muttered. “I know but it won’t replace it, it doesn’t work that way. You’ll just add to it.” He said, sounding more reasonable than she wished he did. “I’ve wanted this for so long... my own office. I didn’t even get to unpack and it’s tainted. Every time I sit at my desk I’m going to see him locking the door, the two of us circling my desk... the couch... I don’t have any other memories here.” Maddox grimaced. “My vacation starts Monday. I’ll come to work with you and help you unpack. We can create memories that way... with the lights on. And if you still want to have sex in an office we can sneak into the DA’s offices and have sex in mine.” Rafael smirked. “You wouldn’t dare. You said it was too risky the last time.” Maddox chuckled. “Why not. Carmen and half the office will be gone. The only people who will be there are the poor saps without enough seniority to take vacation during the holidays... and believe me their offices are nowhere near mine.” He smiled. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about you bending me over your desk?” Maddox purred, pushing up to kiss him. “Couldn’t possible be as many times as I’ve thought about bending you over it, I do sit there everyday... though usually you’re sitting on the edge of the desk.” He chuckled, running his hand through her hair. “Do you want to head home?” She asked. “Only if you do.” Rafael replied. “I do.” Maddox smiled, flipping on the light and rummaging through a box. “What are you looking for?” He asked. “The sketch pad that connects to my laptop. I know how I want to finish my last sketch.” Maddox grinned, finding it and everything needed to connect it. Rafael watched as she moved to another box on the floor by the window, and pulled out the tote she kept to drag things to and from work in.

“Oh... you’re drawing now?” Rafael asked when Maddox starting setting everything up on his coffee table. “That was the plan. I may change out of the dress first. Why?” Maddox replied, looking up at him from where she sat in the floor. “No reason.” He said, extending his hand to help her up, “but I do think you should get comfortable.” “Yes, warm pajamas sound much better to sit on the floor in than this dress.” Maddox smiled, letting him help her up. “It looks really good on you though.” Rafael smirked.

Rafael laid on the couch behind her as she sat on the floor, the sketch pad sitting next to the laptop on his coffee table. “I see what you mean about these being more detailed.” He smiled as he watched her draw. “This might be my favorite piece I’ve done.” Maddox said, zooming in to add detail to the newest building she was drawing. “Did you just add a tiny man in a suit?” He chuckled. “He’s only tiny in comparison to the girl, it’s just the perspective though, she’s a lot closer in the scene than he is. He’s regular size if you look at the building.” She smirked. “You’re drawing the courthouse?” Rafael questioned, when she zoomed out a little more. “I am.” Maddox smiled. “Why is it so much lighter than the other buildings? They seem so dark and ominous.” He asked, slightly mesmerized by how quickly she added to her drawing. “Think of it as the light at the end of the tunnel.” Maddox replied. “The little girl is you?” He asked. “The little girl is always me. I’ll show you the others when I’m done.” She said, blending the dark buildings and edges of the lighter courthouse together. “Others?” Rafael questioned, moving to sit on the floor next to her so he could see better. “There’s a whole series. Kevin suggested I do a gallery show, but I don’t know... they’re really personal.” Maddox sighed. “Why hadn’t you shown them to me before?” He asked. “I wanted them to be finished first and they are now.” She smiled, zooming out so the whole image could be seen. “So the little man in the suit...” Rafael smirked. “If I have to explain that, you’re not as smart as you think you are.” Maddox chuckled.

Rafael looked at each drawing as she flipped through them chronologically. The first being rows and rows of dark stacks in the library, Rafael’s eye immediately going to the lighter area with the little girl reading in Maddox’s favorite spot. Then a funeral for her grandparents where the little girl was leaving with what Rafael assumed was Molly. An unfurnished apartment, the little girl sitting in a dark living room with what looked like Megan smiling while she made sandwiches in the kitchen. The same woman making sandwiches in the one before, laying in her own vomit as the little girl watched paramedics revive her.

“I didn’t know about that until Buchanan brought it up while you were on the stand.” Rafael noted when she got to the one of her arm being set in a cast while a man and woman waited. “It’s not a time I like remembering. Frank and Gina weren’t actually at the hospital but I still had the cast when I went to live with them.” Maddox replied. “You must have been so small then...” He sighed, not being able to shake the mental image of a malnourished, ten year old Maddox. “I was an easy target.” She shrugged, moving on to the next image. This one of the little girl peaking around around a corner to get a glimpse of the elegant party two other children were dancing around the middle of. A man glaring at her from across the room. “I wasn’t allowed to leave my room when they had guest. Arther threw all my books away as punishment for my curiosity.” Maddox sighed. “I’m really am glad I hit him.” Rafael muttered causing Maddox to smiled.

She went through the next few quickly. The girl crumpled on a bed as a man left her room. The girl sitting at a table, a family laughing at the other end and a bag packed at her feet. That girl with her bag, sitting by a door as why he assumed was Molly approaching. “These started as therapy?” He asked when she brought up the one of the girl handing the first drawing to a woman sitting in what looked like a therapist office. “They did. They’re also when I learned I enjoyed drawing.” Maddox smiled. Rafael noticed the girl seemed to age as she got to the one of her starting a new school and happily meeting people. The girl was even older in the drawing of her in the studio getting advice on some artwork from what he assumed was Jesse.

Maddox left the one from the gala up for a little longer than the others. It was the first one with Rafael... the moment he pulled her closer to him so Paul wouldn’t touch her cheek again. She had been so thankful for it but had never told him. “Thank you.” She whispered. “For what?” Rafael asked. “For protecting me from him, even then... before you knew how screwed up I was.” Maddox chuckled. “You’re not screwed up, he and your father are.” He huffed. “Apparently he still sleeps with women that look like my mom...” She said rolling her eyes. “Sydney alluded to that.” Rafael said. “No wonder Rebecca hates me so much...” Maddox sighed. “You do realize she had a choice.” He stated. “I know.” Maddox mumbled, pulling up the sketch she had just finished. “She’s a little girl again.” Rafael noted. “I’ve kind of been thinking of this one as a summation of the series. The little girl and her bag, traversing the darkness until she can finally break into the light.” She didn’t point it out to him but if you looked closely you could see aspects of her life in the different buildings. The drug dealers apartment building her mother had OD’d in was one of the buildings, the room she shared at Frank and Gina’s could be seen through a window... Molly’s small efficiency could be seen through another. Her fathers building with a window looking into her old room. As the buildings got lighter toward the courthouse there was Molly’s brownstone, Rafael’s building, and her favorite building on NYU’s campus.

“I’ve wondered how things would be different if I hadn’t taken you to that gala.” Rafael sighed. “Or if I hadn’t been sitting on Amanda’’s desk when Sydney left Liv’s office...” Maddox said, pointing out that that wasn’t the only time their paths crossed with her fathers family. “I guess you’re right.” He said pushing his bottom lip up. “I’m glad it happened... All of it. I finally have closure. I wouldn’t have that without you.” Maddox smiled, leaning into his chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intentions to stretch this one for at least the rest of season seventeen but this feels like a nice ending and every time I look at the upcoming episodes it feels like I’d be writing filler to get to the two ideas I had left...
> 
> If you’re curious...
> 
> Arther's name would have come up as one of the politicians involved in the sex trafficking ring the Catholic Church runs in Unholiest Alliance. His name would have come up when they found the paperwork burried behind the church. And Maddox would have yelled at Rafael for giving the guy threatening him their address at the end of the season. The threats would have stopped after Munson killed Dodds since they started when Rafael indicted the cops...


End file.
